Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching Corky Romano: No Comedic Evidence Anywhere
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A movie can be harmless and still drive you nuts, especially when you can see the better version hiding inside it. We go back to 2001 and rewatch Corky Romano, the Chris Kattan comedy that lives in a lot of people’s nostalgia, then we ask the uncomfortable question: why does it feel like the script keeps forgetting to write the joke?
We walk through the big story beats and the bigger craft problems, from the “one folder of evidence” FBI premise to the endless string of classic gag setups that never escalate into a payoff. We talk about what works in spurts, like Corky being genuinely good at his veterinarian job and the brief moment when that expertise could have become the running comedic engine. Then we get into what doesn’t work: inconsistent character rules, a romance that expects you to find workplace creepiness charming, and an ending that waves away consequences because the mob boss technically didn’t commit murder.
Along the way, we hit our favorite nitpicks and rewrite ideas, including the cocaine sequence, the evidence room weirdness, and the finale twist that barely matters. Then we pivot into what we’re obsessed with right now: the absurd Lego store consignment controversy exploding into lawsuits and body cam footage, plus Tony’s annual six-week Love Island USA lock-in. We also tee up next week’s rewatch, KPAX, and the arguments it’s about to resurrect.
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Elmo Sparks NBA Finals Backlash
SPEAKER_02Did you get did you see um the the trouble not the trouble, but like the story surrounding the NBA finals? Have you seen this? Well, Elmo, the Sesame Street character who lives in New York, came out on X and said that they wished both teams good luck, and New York is pissed. Elmo? Elmo? Yeah Elmo no longer listen. It's so fun to go down. If you find that rabbit hole, just go down it for a while. It's such a treat. People are so mean to this poor little poor little puppet. Uh it's great. It's really great. Hey, hey puppet, stay in your lane. I'm sure someone said something similar. Uh a lot of trader calls, you know. Yeah. It's fun. It was very fun. Wow. Also, go next. So.
Show Premise And 2001 Nostalgia
SPEAKER_00Welcome to Hate Watching with Dan and Tony. I'm Dan. I am Tony. On this show, we go back to 2001 when they were making the greatest movies of all time.
SPEAKER_02Just better days, you know, in general, really. Better times. MTV was around doing good stuff. What a treat. You know?
SPEAKER_00Yep, yep. Before the MTV generation joined the government.
SPEAKER_02Is that was that with the downfall of both society and the government?
SPEAKER_00The one guy that's the transportation secretary was on real world or road rules.
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah. No, that is correct. Yeah, you're right about that. We're doing great, America.
SPEAKER_00But then again, uh Gopher from the Love Boat like went on to be like governor or mayor of some some city. See, see, sometimes it works out great.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Jesse Ventura, what a treat.
SPEAKER_00Uh Jesse, uh yeah, one of the better wrestling uh government people. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. And he had a great show about conspiracy theories. Remember that show?
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_02I don't know. I don't remember what it was called, but if you can find it, you should watch that show. That was a great show. He's big into conspiracy theories.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So on this show, we watch a movie and then we talk about a movie. This week, uh Tony picked a gem of a gem.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, thank you. That's a great wow, way to set that up. Knocked it out of the park. Home run. Um, I just went back to my childhood. And by childhood, I mean my formative teen years, really, because you said 2001, so I was 16. Oh, wow. Something like that. Yeah. Um, high school. And here's the thing. I know I watched this movie multiple times in high school for sure. Had the DVD. I remember that vividly. Oh, wow. And I think I told you this last week the only line I remember from this movie is you guys want some cookies? That is the only thing I remembered from this entire movie that I have seen multiple times in the past. So that's not usually a great sign. So I was like, we should revisit it. We should just revisit it. Plus, Chris Catan was adorable back in the day. Yeah. Um, did I say the name of this movie?
Why Corky Romano Got Picked
SPEAKER_02I don't know. We are doing uh Corky Romano, classic, classic movie.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I had seen this film, I think. At least I'd seen the beginning and I feel like I'd seen the end, and maybe I'd also seen the middle. I have no idea.
SPEAKER_02Or slept a little bit. Who knows? Who knows?
SPEAKER_00You know, when the premise started, I was like, yeah, okay, this is the premise I remembered. And then you you get to the ending and you're like, well, that sort of resolves the situation. Don't quite, though.
SPEAKER_02Not really at all. If you think about it for just about two seconds, you're like, it's pretty interesting.
SPEAKER_00Oh, the gangsters aren't going to jail.
SPEAKER_02No, not not going to jail at all because he didn't murder anyone. And that's what they were. They were only looking for murder. You know, gambling, racketeering, money laundering. No one cares about those crimes. Just murder.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so you're like, I feel like I probably missed a couple of lines in there where they explained why nothing was happening.
SPEAKER_02I'm pretty sure you didn't. I'm just gonna tell you that right now. I watched the movie as well, and I was like, okay, well, we're just jumping over a bunch of stuff here.
Funnier Comedies And Missing Jokes
SPEAKER_00Um, my first thoughts are uh pretty much uh, you know, the naked gun is funnier than the naked gun was funnier than this movie.
SPEAKER_02Correct. I agree. Obviously, I agree because I found that movie very funny. Um this movie doesn't have any jokes in it. Oh no, there's one joke. There's one good joke that I liked.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, I I think I laughed twice and I chuckled maybe twice.
SPEAKER_02Hey, that's pretty good, Dan. Yeah, that's pretty good. Um I'm just gonna say the stick-up bit, I don't know what to call it for real, but when they're at the towards the end, it's the right before the resolution when they're in the room and he like puts the gun to someone's back, and then someone puts the gun to their back, and then someone puts a gun to that person's back, and it's like a line of like, uh, now you're caught. Now you're caught. That was a joke.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02That's okay. It was a joke. I enjoyed it.
SPEAKER_00Uh I mean, I I I guess at that point I was I was not analyzing every maneuver that occurred to try to see if it was.
SPEAKER_02Well, you're really missing out, Dan. Really missed out on a good bit there.
SPEAKER_00But you know, at times they sort of play him as Klutzy um to kind of get things going. Um sometimes not. Sometimes not. There's one part at the beginning where he's he's driving and doing walking on sunshine or whatever. He's like, you know, all animated, and then the next shot he's like parking and he's just like totally fine. Driving like a normal person. Yeah. Like, yeah, there's some continuity going on there. You know, you know.
SPEAKER_02You don't need consistency in your character, Stan. That's not something you need in a movie.
SPEAKER_00And I mean, since it's hard to be consistent with this character since it's not really a character. It's just sort of that is correct. You know, Chris, Chris kind of move around, and then when we get to something that we think's funny, then sort of kick into a little bit of a bit. We'll do a I I guess the thing I'm always amazed at with this and with Naked Gun is just how quickly they get out of the bits. That they really, you know, they'll even cue up a song to start doing a bit, and they will, they will, after 30 seconds, they're like, We gotta get out of food. We gotta go, guys, we gotta go. We got a lot of other stuff to cover. We we can't spend time in this thing that is ostensibly the funny thing in our movie.
SPEAKER_02Well, you there's a there's a very famous quote. Um, I don't remember which director said it. I think it was Spielberg. Yeah. But he said, You gotta hit it and quit it. Uh and that's that's how you that's how you gotta do comedy. Uh oh, comedy.
SPEAKER_00I mean, no poor Jaws. I mean, that the thing about Jaws is they they sit in stuff all the time.
SPEAKER_02He doesn't hit it and quit it. No.
SPEAKER_00They waste lots of time. God, I was watching something where the they um we're doing like the shot breakdown of of the mayor right when they're trying to shut down the beach for the first time. And it's like going from two shot to three shot, and I think it's maybe Dreyfus, uh, the sheriff, and the mayor. Yeah. And when you watch how the how the tension is built and how the who's in charge is built, he does it with the camera. It's it's phenomenal. And I mean, I don't know, I don't know, you know, we'll have to see with uh whatever the Independence Day coming out, dispatch day. Disclosure day.
SPEAKER_02I'm pretty excited about this movie. I'm you know, I'm gonna see it.
SPEAKER_00I mean, you put Emily Blunt as the primary person, you're like, well, okay, you know. I'll see it. Yeah, I I will watch that. You know, I'm very excited. Yeah. Um, so yeah, Corky Romano, not a lot of that kind of play going on where the camera does stuff for what are you talking about?
SPEAKER_02There's a couple of Dutch angles to let you know like something's amiss. Um, they shoot Corky low, you know, one time just because he's talking to his crotch while he's walking. I don't know if it has anything to do with power. Um that's all I got.
SPEAKER_00They you're right. They never did really give up on his his crotch being wired. They sure didn't. That was like the one thing that they were like, we're gonna do this at the beginning, and then he's gonna have his crotch wired for sound the whole time.
SPEAKER_02For always, yeah. How many times did he have to put it on and take it off, or was it just always there? I I don't know. I really don't know. Somebody thought that that was a very funny bit, though. And they really wanted to get that in the movie a bunch.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and and one time it works, he calls his brothers and they come help, and then the other two times they don't come to help, and one time getting ice cream, and one time they're getting food or something. It's kind of like, well They're at a strip club one time. Oh, maybe the third one is the strip club, yeah. Um yeah. Any any any other before we start, thoughts?
Touchstone Vibes And Cast Setup
SPEAKER_02The only other thought that I have is it's a touchstone picture. And at the beginning it's got that little touchstone logo, and that is one of the most nostalgic images for me. And when that hit, I was like, oh man, oh man, so good. Like Three Ninjas is Touchstone, and that's like a movie that I watched a million times as a kid.
SPEAKER_00Because Touchstone is kind of it's Disney but PG.
SPEAKER_02Exactly, exactly. I mean, so good. They had a lot of bangers in the late 90s, early 2000s. Touchstone was great. Are they dead? Are they gone? I should have looked that up. I think so.
Plot Logic Problems Start Piling Up
SPEAKER_00Okay, hour 26 this movie. We start off the DOJ is looking into uh Francis, who is a mobster who's played by Columbo, uh, whatever his name is. Oh, sure. He doesn't open his eyes much in this movie. He doesn't open his eyes much in general.
SPEAKER_02Is that okay? I've never watched Columbo or ever seen this guy in other things, and I'm thinking I was just like, is this a character choice? Is this what old age is? Because my dad, like, I don't know if you see, you can't see my eyes because we have bad quality, but I'm getting like droop, droopy, like the over-eye hangs. And my dad had to have that, he did a surgery to remove those. So he like removes skin on his eyes to keep them open more. And I thought maybe this guy, maybe just old age is just droopy eyes. Peter Falk, that's who it is. Um that is his name. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I was telling you how Shannon watches these videos from this Chinese guy who talks about the terrible plastic surgeries. Yeah. Well, over there, short of sight about eyes, so they want to have larger and larger eyes, so they keep on um they keep on having eye surgeries, right? To make their eyes look bigger. There's one girl that had so many that well, there's one girl who can't stop crying.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you fucked up your tear ducks. That's not good. That's not good at all. Never not crying. Oh no.
SPEAKER_00The other girl uh can't shut her eyes.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean, that one makes sense just based on if you're just doing this and this and this, like eventually they're not your eyelids aren't gonna touch, guy. Like, that's just what's gonna happen. You only have so much skin.
SPEAKER_00So she has to constantly like hydrate her eyes to keep them from drying out.
SPEAKER_02And that sounds like a nightmare. And then the other girl just is always hydrating.
SPEAKER_00Maybe they should get in a relationship, you know, solve each other.
SPEAKER_02Cry into my eyes.
SPEAKER_00That's fun. That's a little funny thing to think about. Like, you're if you think your life is bad, oh, it could be so much worse.
SPEAKER_02You might not be able to blink. Uh yeah, terrible. That sounds awful. So real quick, touchstone closed in 2016. Very sad. So 10 years ago, Tony's childhood died. Yeah, established in '84, close in 2016. That's a good run. I don't know the math of it, but 32 years is a good run.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So we got we got dad, Francis, we got Polly, who's uh played by Peter Berg. Is that what his name is? Yeah, Pete Berg. Uh he's he's the angry idiot who can't read. Yeah, this is a tough, tough start. The other brother, Peter, who's played by one of the Penn brothers. Yeah, Chris Penn. Chris Penn.
SPEAKER_02He's all right, Pete brother. He's a homosexual. What did they say? So, and just to set this up, if you haven't watched this the movie, they're setting it up as the character flaws. It's like a an FBI dossier, and it's telling you the kit the flaws of these people, and Peter Berg is illiterate, and then Chris Penn is uh homosexual. Uh, so that's bad. That's really bad. Oh, I was like, oh no, you can't do that. Um it's just like, whoa, hey. It was a wild time back then, man. We did not care at all.
SPEAKER_00And then we have uh what's his name? Reno Williams, uh Fred, Fred from uh Fred, what's his name? He was in uh Slither. No, what's the one with uh tremors? The guy for Tremors. Ah, Kevin Bacon. No, the other guy. Right, but Kevin Bacon's in Tremors. Thank you. So's Michael Gross. Is that his name? So's Reba McIntyre. No, Reba McIntyre and Michael Reba McIntyre. Really? Reba McIntyre and Michael Gross play the the gun nuts.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I don't even remember that.
SPEAKER_02That's crazy. I love that. She's wonderful. She's wonderful. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, so it's Fred. What's his name? Whatever, the Fred guy. I don't know. Um, and he plays their lawyer, who's also an FBI informant. They tell us that right off the bat. Right, right away. In case you're wondering who the one of the bad guys is, you're not gonna have to wonder. No, there's no twists in the movie. No.
SPEAKER_02Well, there's one, I guess, technically, but it's not really a twist.
SPEAKER_00It's the worst twist in any movie.
SPEAKER_02I feel like that bar is pretty low. I don't know if it's the worst one ever. It would be in the conversation. Well, yeah, well, we'll talk about the twist when we get there. All right, all right.
SPEAKER_00So uh it's a witch hunt. Who has somebody has a heart attack? Who has a heart attack out in front of the federal courthouse? Does the dad so the dad has a heart attack out in front of the federal courthouse because he doesn't want to go through this? We go back to the house, he's in bed, and they the bet the FBI has an airtight case, and they must have an informant, but then they never follow up on looking for an informant in their own house.
SPEAKER_02They're just they come up with a different plan, it's fine.
SPEAKER_00So instead, their plan is they need to send someone, because they have someone that'll help them in the FBI, which why don't they just send that person? But they gotta send some random person into the FBI to steal or destroy the evidence. Which is just one file, by the way. When the amount of evidence when they show you how the amount of evidence, it easily fits in a briefcase, doesn't even take up a briefcase, just like slides right in. It's just manila.
SPEAKER_02The snitches, that's the only evidence they have. It's not an overwhelming amount of evidence, it's one guy's word. That's it.
SPEAKER_00And more importantly, that guy's still alive and could give the testimony again.
SPEAKER_02Right. Just bring him in. He's fine. Just tell people. Oh, it's so good.
SPEAKER_00You know, we're we're not we're not gonna, you know, didn't didn't you expect it to be like a couple of file boxes of stuff or something?
SPEAKER_02Something there should have been stuff. There should have been a it should have just been at least a box, not just a stack of papers like this big. It might have just been the script for the movie that they just repackaged.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we're just like instead of printing script on the front of that one, print evidence. Evidence, and then you're good. Oh, it's pretty terrible. So they're gonna send in Corky, who's sort of the estranged son. Then we start with him. Oh, he's driving and he's singing to A-HA.
SPEAKER_02Great stuff. Take on it. I've been there. We've all been there. It's hard to hit that high note, I'm not gonna lie to you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So uh what what do you think of him doing dancing and sort of gesturing to people?
SPEAKER_02So here's my problem. Uh oh. And this is kind of in it, doesn't matter. He is dancing behind the wheel and jerking the wheel all over the place. There's one point where he like jerks the wheel all the way to the right while he looks and sings. The car doesn't move. Which is weird. What's weirder is somebody honks at him and like yells at him for driving recklessly, but he hasn't done anything wrong. He's driving relatively slow and very straight every time they cut away. You have to make him oblivious and driving all over the road. Yeah. Like I'm not saying you have to like run over mailboxes or do something that ridiculous, but he has to be in the wrong lane or something. He's he's driving fine, which is ridiculous because inside he's crazy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so he has to be oblivious to the world or something. Yeah, something. We have to set up some sort of set of rules, but we don't. Nah. Uh he gets to the place, he's the assistant vet. The real vet's going to golf, and so he's gonna check on patience.
SPEAKER_02The only well, maybe not the only. I would say the best thing that this movie does is make him good at his job. He's bad at being a human, not like a bad guy, just like he's not great at being a human. He's bad at walking and you know, talking to people. But he's very good at his job. He cares about it. Which is great. He cares about being a vet, and he's good at being a vet. He was observant. He was like, Oh, I saw the droppings in outside, so I know that your dog or your cat is suffering from this, and I know that your dog is suffering from this, and I know your bird is so like he's he's adept at that one part of his life, and I appreciate that.
SPEAKER_00Well, he's gonna get thrown into the FBI and then he's gonna be working on this one case, and so basically, each time he goes out and has to interact in some way, they have to figure out a way to make it so that his failure is a success. Correct. And in in a few cases, his his actual skills do come into play to add to his success, which is great.
SPEAKER_02Surprising. Um right, so the instinct is there, but I I don't think that they nail that part of it, obviously.
SPEAKER_00Um no, because he just doesn't have enough skill. If if he's if his vet skills sort of if the deal that he was dealing with needed some vet skills, yes, that would have made it more interesting and funnier if like he had something really obscure to add and you know, and we know that it's uh just a part of the script, we but still we're like, okay, that's that's clever that they figured out these absurd ways to make his specialized knowledge useful.
SPEAKER_02Which is I thought that was where they were going or gonna try because I think it's the first scene, the murder scene that he goes to, he calls out the maggots and they're like, Oh, yeah, you're right, maggots take this long to form. This is time of death. And I was like, Oh, that's fun. We're gonna that's the first one, and then we're gonna build from there. And we don't. We don't do that at all. The only other time they bring in the animal thing is stupid, and he gives mouth to mouth to a dog, and I was like, Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. That's dumb. You can give mouth to mouth to a dog, you totally can, but make it more that's so let me have I told my fish story on here, Dan.
Vet Skills, Fish Story, And Maggots
SPEAKER_02I was ice fishing with my dad, and uh, we're ice fishing, and I'm you know, we're catching fish, and I don't like things dying. Yeah, and there's I don't know if you've ever been ice fishing, but if you're just out and about, you know how like in a boat you put them in the little the cooler thing, and then you know they're there, and then they eventually you kill you, either hit them or they die. We're ice fishing, he just throws them on the ice. He's just you just set them next to you because it's it's cold. The fish isn't gonna go bad. So there's just a fish flopping next to me, and he's clearly dying. He's like gasping for air. So I picked it up and I tried to give him out the mouth. This is a true story. I got yelled at a lot that day. I got called a moron. Um, anyhow, but like I get it. What I'm saying is that's not a veterinary move. You know what I mean? Like, if I was in that situation, I'd be like, I guess I'll just give the dog mouth the mouth because I don't know what else to do. Make him use actual vet skills, and then that scene is more funny to me. I think you were probably murdering the fish more, Tony. For sure. So, what the reason why my dad called me an idiot was he was like, you know that they live. Underwater, right? So he yelled at me for trying to give them the oxygen and all that stuff because they don't breathe air. And he was like, it's choking on the air, and now you're giving it more air. You know what they can do?
SPEAKER_00If you have hyper oxygen, if you have hyper-oxygenated water. Okay. So basically, you have water and you put a lot of oxygen into it, you can breathe that. Is that what they do in the abyss? That's what they do in the abyss. I love that movie. And so basically, if you do that and then you put a person in there and then they breathe in that water and then can start that cycle. Your your lungs Is that real? Your lungs can, yes, because I remember when I was a kid, we had a science book and it had a they did it to a monkey. And I was just like, that is so weird. That is weird.
SPEAKER_02I always thought that was made up for that movie. Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. I wouldn't want to do that. It's just I'm just gonna throw that out.
SPEAKER_00It's truly a terrifying thing.
SPEAKER_02I don't know how you would convince yourself to do it. Oh, you like if I gotta they just gotta throw you under the water and you just say like if I put that helmet on and they start filling that water up, my my instinct is like close. Just close everything. You can't do it. You are not allowed to breathe in the water. I would die just holding my breath like an idiot. Yeah, it's pretty interesting. That's crazy.
SPEAKER_00So he takes care of Pierre, the bird. Um, and it's this this old couple's only reason for living. Then there's this mean cat, and he's like, You gotta give this cat rectovitamins, and the woman's like, so kill him. And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
SPEAKER_02We went from zero to a hundred here. That was wild.
SPEAKER_00And then uh and then it goes like they she does that, and then the cat goes crazy and runs around, then it gets Pierre the bird, and then they uh do a tug of war. Did the bird survive?
SPEAKER_02That's great. I I assume yes. Yeah. I'm just gonna say yeah.
SPEAKER_00And this is the point at which he gets the call from the family. So he goes to the family estate, he hugs Peter, they go to the bedroom, Polly is angry, and then Polly farts on him.
SPEAKER_02And this is your favorite joke, right?
SPEAKER_00I will tell you the point of the first thing that I I have a chuckle at the first thing that I found it amusing. I have nothing there.
SPEAKER_02We haven't gotten there. All right. Yeah, that's fair. Either I haven't gotten there either. Um, yeah, it's just dumb.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's not till about halfway down page two that I have my first chuckle.
SPEAKER_02Okay, interesting. It's just very excited.
SPEAKER_00It's just weird and forced. It doesn't seem like, you know, he doesn't walk over her and go, pfft, you know, go, ha, gotcha, you idiot, or whatever. It yeah, it seems like very could they really pointed out that it's happening.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, well, so I think this is their attempt just to foreshadow a joke later that they think is funny.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um, and I will just let them know that neither of them are funny.
SPEAKER_00No, they're very painful. Okay. Uh Corky has brought dad a the Black Beauty book, which was one that mom read him when he was a kid. We call back to this later on in the movie, and it really doesn't mean anything.
SPEAKER_02No, it's very weird.
SPEAKER_00Um, we do a we do a gag bit where he steps on the air hose and knocks over the equipment to which everyone just stands there like.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, this guy needs the oxygen to live. Daddy, papa, and everyone just watches him destroy all the machines. I mean, it's fine. They obviously still work because this isn't the real world. But it's weird that everyone just watches it happen.
SPEAKER_00Why aren't they yelling at him? I don't know. Why aren't they involved, you know? Because I guess they want it to just be this solo thing where he's like doing his thing, and it's just you're just like, okay, that's weird.
SPEAKER_02You would remove him from the situation immediately. Yeah. For sure.
SPEAKER_00So Dad uh confesses that they they actually are gangsters, so they want him to go to the FBI and destroy the evidence, and they're like, the the family needs you, and so he doesn't even really confirm that that's all, you know, that you don't have that rocky moment because that's what you're supposed to have. You're supposed to have things like no, no, no, no, and then you, you know, then you make the switch for whatever reason.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01You know, they kill your girlfriend, and you're like, I guess I'll do it. He doesn't have a girlfriend. Yeah, he doesn't have a girlfriend.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So they go to Dexter, the hacker who's played by Zach Galifanakis looking felt. He's just so naturally funny, even though he doesn't even have funny lines. You're just like, oh, this guy's fantastic.
SPEAKER_02He has a presence, man. Like, that's that's he's got it. You know, whatever it is, he's got it. Yeah. Yeah. And he came on screen. I was watching it with Naomi, and he came on screen. She was she's reading her book because that's generally what she does while I watch these movies because she doesn't care about our lives, Dan. Um, but she heard his voice and she looked up and she goes, and I quote, Wow, he used to be hot. So there you go.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, what happened? He got he got old and well, we all got old.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we all get old and put on a little weight. It is what it is.
SPEAKER_00So he sets up the whole fake thing that gives him too many qualifications, which is another problem that we they have. He can speak tons of languages, and he's a sharpshooter, and he's a this and he's a that. Um and gives him the name pissant. Because I think maybe they said that or something. Pissant. I don't I don't remember that. They hit that joke. I'll just I'll just tell you, I'll just tell you. Hit that joke hard. Everyone's calling it pissant, and then he's for a few times goes. It's it's French. And then never gets a laugh from anyone ever. Nope. No. Uh the bros drive him around, they tell him that he's too soft, and then they say, This is the best part. You can't come to the house again because the house is surveilled. The house that he just came from.
SPEAKER_02He just came from the house that you just brought him to and set up the whole plan, and then and then drove him away from the house. That house doesn't make a lick of sense. And then later, there's the the evidence against him is a picture of him dressed up as the mailman entering the house. Why is that one the only one that was surveilled?
SPEAKER_00That doesn't make any sense, man. Yeah. So the the three times that he goes to the house, he's in disguise, and the disguises sort of get more extreme. Sorta. Not like a lot, though. You know? So they wire him up, they put the wire in his crotch, he's ticklish. Uh, okay. Um, as he's walking to the uh the the FBI office, his briefcase falls open, and all these papers don't know why he has papers in the briefcase, because he shouldn't have any paper, and then they all blow. And we do it at this really long shot. Yeah. Um, this is a classic gag, right? You know, I mean, our boy Harrison, magician, he has a whole thing where his briefcase falls open and all of his magic tricks fall on the ground and he has a table. And it's it's great. You've have you seen it? Have you seen him do it?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It's great. It's it's wonderful, it's physical, it gets laughs. He figures out how to do certain things in there that that are additional laughs, that are not just someone, you know, being klutzy. You know, things go into the briefcase, they come out of the briefcase, you know, they go in, they go out. This thing is just like all the stuff falls out, and that's about it.
SPEAKER_02And then they linger on that shot for a minute, about a minute, and just let the paper blow around. Yep. I don't I don't know, man. It's not it's it's a classic bit. Right, but they forgot to do the bit part of it. They did the setup and they didn't do the bit, um, which is a mistake. If you write just if you're writing a comedy and you write a setup, you should also then write the joke. Yeah. You see, setup, setup, nothing is not funny.
SPEAKER_00It just doesn't go anywhere. He goes in and they try to wand him, and you know, he's got the wire on the crotch, so he's freaking out. And eventually he pulls out the ID and they're like, Oh, you just walk through.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I guess would that work? Listen, early 2000s, I guess they didn't have badge scanners, so like they couldn't be like boop bloop. But did I think Mission Impossible had scanners, so now I'm not too sure that that's true.
SPEAKER_00I wouldn't be surprised if agents didn't have to get scanned, you know, because they probably have they probably have guns. Oh, they definitely, definitely have guns. Oh yeah. Yeah, and if you're like letting someone walk into the building with a gun, why would you be scanning them? Because that's fair to have a good one.
SPEAKER_02That's a good point, Dan. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And then uh two or three other times in the movie he goes past the guy, and then they sort of have a relationship after that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but not really.
SPEAKER_00Not in a funny way.
SPEAKER_02I would have Yeah, yes. Exactly.
SPEAKER_00It's just like, hey, here comes Chris Catan. He's funny. Hey, how's it going, guy? How's it going?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Like, I and I don't even need jokes. Give him a like a fun handshake. I don't know, you know. Something.
SPEAKER_00Something. He meets the boss and they immediately throw him on this task force where they're looking for the night vulture, who is well, first of all, stupidest name ever. Uh we don't know what he is, what he does, why he does it, or when he does it, or how he does it, or why they're after him, or anything, but he has something to do with the drug trade.
SPEAKER_02Something about drugs, and they're looking for him. So that's about all you need to know, my friend. Um because, like, here's the thing, right? Going back to the the entry, the doorman, is like he the whole the whole point of the outsider is then they ingratiate themselves to everyone around. Like she the doorman needs to love him, his co-workers need to love him, yeah, she falls in love with him, and then the only guy that doesn't like him is the bad guy, right? And they don't re- they kind of do it, they do it more with the two agents.
SPEAKER_00They they understand what the game is, but they aren't playing the game. And that's yeah, you intrinsically a lot a lot of comedic games, people understand what they are, but they don't they don't consciously know what they are, and so then they don't try to play them.
SPEAKER_02For sure.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, like so you have to figure out what that relationship with the scanner guy is, you know, and and and how as opposed to nothing.
SPEAKER_02As opposed to, hey, you hire like a real actor to do that part. Yeah, you gotta give him something.
SPEAKER_00You gotta give him something. But instead, the next two or three times we meet him, he just goes, Hey, you can walk in. You know, Corky's like, ah. Thanks. See ya later. Um, there's the bad guy whose name is Brick, and then he he immediately is like, Corky, you're a problem. And then Corky keeps on getting accolades and it hurts his feelings. And spoilers, Brick turns out to be the midnight vulture or whatever it's called. Night, just night, just night vulture.
SPEAKER_02It's not a specific time of night, Dan. It's just night.
SPEAKER_00Night vulture. He turns out to be the night vulture.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, which doesn't affect the story really, or there's no reason there's no reason why or how he would, you know, or what or even how the watch implicates him. I didn't actually even understand that. Did I miss something with the watch?
SPEAKER_00Was the watch that was with the dad's evidence implicated the night vulture? I I guess I don't know.
SPEAKER_02I don't know. Because he had it in his pocket and then like pulled it out, and he's like, Oh yeah, Mr. Night Vulture? So, like, I thought it might. Maybe there was a bit about the watch that they we didn't ever see, and so we I I don't know. I don't even know how Corky figured it out, to be honest with you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So then he meets Agent Russo, who's the hot lady. Um, and he's just instantly in love with her like he has never seen another woman. Oh, ever.
SPEAKER_02He's never met a woman. Yeah, which is that's fine, you know, because he's weird or whatever. Um, but he is creepy. She wouldn't find this charming.
SPEAKER_01No, no, yeah, no, it's fine.
SPEAKER_00No, and she's very attractive. I mean, I have to imagine a woman like that is constantly hit on 24-7.
SPEAKER_02Especially in the workplace, and so like someone else just fawning over her in the workplace would just be annoying. It wouldn't be like, oh, this is refreshing. You're doing it in a less aggressive way. I I don't know what's refreshing about it, uh, but they put that line in there so you know that it's somehow different and refreshing, but it's not. It's not. It's not.
SPEAKER_00So they go to the crime scene where someone was shot, mutilated, and dragged. Uh, none of those things mean anything. Um, of course, gets shocked at the dead body, he steps on his wiener, and he notices there's maggots, which makes them readjust their uh timeline of yeah, it doesn't mean anything, but they it shows that he knows what to do. Then he drops some evidence into the body, I think.
SPEAKER_02Which doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_00It doesn't matter, and nobody nobody reacts while he's walking into the body.
SPEAKER_02Nope, just ruining a crime scene. Nope. Nobody nobody cares.
SPEAKER_00And having watched enough body cam footage things, if somebody walked into the body, everyone would be yelling at them.
SPEAKER_02It's bad. Yeah, I uh I've never I don't watch body cam footage like Dan does, but I know that it would be bad.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Uh they drive over and does he smell Russo at this point? Or what is he? Oh no, he's smelling the drugs.
SPEAKER_02He smells the drugs, and I thought he was smelling it because he dropped it on the dead body. Yeah, I don't know. But it turns out that that was unrelated. So I don't really know. I don't know. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00So she drops him off. He's gotta take the drugs to evidence, so he's like, This is my big shot. He's uh there, there's a police dog without anyone around it. He gives the dog water, and then the dog grabs the drugs. They have a tug of war, the drugs explode, he gets a face full of cocaine, the dog gets a face full of cocaine, the dog disappears, he's high on cocaine, and he has to have to talk to some second graders.
Cocaine Scene That Almost Works
SPEAKER_02Now, part of me is like rolling my eyes, because this is a terrible setup, but also part of me is like, okay, well, at least we can have some fun doing some coke coke jokes in front of children. We don't.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I this was this was this was my first couple of laughs. It's only one joke. No, there's there's there's three. He says he's he he does a he does a line of jokes, including one which was I should buy a boat, which I which I chuckled at. Okay, didn't chuckle at it. And then he does this thing with noises where he's just like I don't even know what the noise the noises are insane. And they they go on long enough. And I was laughing through the noise. All right. And then he did another bit after the noises, which I don't remember what it was, but that wasn't funny at all.
SPEAKER_02He does the uh Did you are you asking a question? Do you ask a question? Do you have a question? Do you have a is it did you have a question? That that bit goes on for another minute.
SPEAKER_00That one didn't work. And I mean this this this should be this should be a this should be a home run.
SPEAKER_02The whole thing should be a home run. It should be. It should the whole reason you're setting up this weird side quest is because you, as the writer, are like, I have some fun jokes that he can do on Coke in front of kids. Um, my problem is the all the jokes you just said could be done in front of anyone. They're not kid specific. Oh, yeah, there's no reason to put him in front of kids if he's not gonna be at least sort of inappropriately talking to kids, not sexually, but like doing things that the teacher will be like, you need to leave. What you probably shouldn't be talking to children right now.
SPEAKER_00And then sorry, or you could have just had him uh addressing the agents about what just went down.
SPEAKER_02100% that's what I'm saying. Like it did if you're going to write a scene that doesn't really make sense in your movie, specifically putting him in front of kids on cocaine, there better be a very specific reason you've written that scene. And I didn't feel like there was it. It could have been a debrief for the mission, and he's just on Coke. Oh, should I buy a boat? Should I buy a boat? You know, fine. All of those jokes still land in front of a different audience. Yeah. But you, as the writer, were like, I need to put him in front of kids, even though that doesn't make sense in the story of this movie. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And so you need to, you need to prove to me that it needed to be kids. Yeah, he should have talked about his relationship with the woman. You know, they they they needed to actually put some information in there. But they were like, no, it's a bit. We don't have to put information in there.
SPEAKER_02Between the jokes, you can make those jokes, but he also has to have a conversation because then it cuts to a newspaper title that's like FBI agent vows recess will be safe from the night vulture. He didn't do that. What are you talking about? He didn't do that at all. He wasn't saying any words that mean anything. So, like, it just you gotta clean that up. You gotta clean it up, guys. But I chuckled and I laughed. So that's which is great. That's two. Yeah, yeah. The jokes were there, but you need to either make them for kids or do things in between jokes. Yeah, that's all I'm saying.
SPEAKER_00He goes back to the house. Um, he he does it as the mailman, and he runs down everybody that works on the FBI task force that's looking at like they're not really looking at the dad. Except the woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't bring her up. Uh day two, he hits on Russo again. He gets her this gag gift poster.
SPEAKER_02I don't know.
SPEAKER_00I don't know, man. And then we have this other thing where to get into the evidence room, he has to scan his card. It doesn't work a bunch. He's scanning it different ways, and then the second time he does it, he scans it a bunch of ways until it just works. Works. I don't I don't get the joke. Yeah. You gotta have somebody go like, you know, he's like scanning the card around, and then they just pick up the card and you push it into something. You know, there's gotta be there's gotta be somebody showing him what to do, how he's been doing it wrong for all these times.
SPEAKER_02Or at least make it clear that he has understood what he's been doing wrong. You know, like he's swiping, he's swiping, he's swiping, he's swiping, and then it turns out it's just a a touch. You know, some something that the time that it works is so different from what he's doing and so simple that that's the joke, but it was just it just eventually worked.
SPEAKER_00And that doesn't make any sense. Doesn't make any sense. And and the swiping is always exactly the same. 100%.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So you gotta vary that somehow. You gotta, yeah, you know, he's gotta like do it with his mouth, he's gotta, you know, you you gotta go fold Jim Carrey and and and be absurd. Because Jim Carrey goes absurd on this kind of stuff. Yes, I remember you know his work very well, but yeah, I would think back then he would be like, okay, we're gonna do this a thousand times until we get to like some sequence.
SPEAKER_02Just keep rolling, just keep rolling the camera, and I'll do this for 30, 40 minutes, and you'll get something you can use. Yeah. I promise that's what happens.
SPEAKER_00It's like with the the TJ Miller thing where he's doing the Deadpool thing from the bar in the first movie. Yeah. TJ Miller is funny. He may be an odious personality. He's a terrible guy. But when you listen to like, you know, what is it? It's like 15 minutes of outtakes or something, or five minutes or something. It's a bunch of outtakes.
SPEAKER_02Because that's what you do. You just roll and you just keep just keep joke, joke, joke, joke, and we'll find stuff we like.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And then you have that wonderful clip that you can put out there, and everyone's going to be like, oh my god, that's incredible. Because it is. Uh uh. Card doesn't work. Brick confronts him that he doesn't know all the languages that he says he knows. You know, you go, niho, you know, does like a Mandarin thing, and we get a little sort of all that's all Brick's confrontations never work comedically.
SPEAKER_02Correct. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I'm on too much.
SPEAKER_02Which is interesting because he's also in um Wedding Crashers. That same actor, yeah. Same actor, basically the same type of character. Um, and he's great in that when he plays against Vince Vaughn.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_02Like they because he he plays the same very, like, very straight, I'm gonna I'm gonna show everyone who you really are, like that sort of guy. Uh it just works better when he's against a comedian. Well now no offense to Chris, but that makes me feel like it's the director.
SPEAKER_00For sure. Yeah, yeah, totally. Because you've gotta you've gotta establish that somehow.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know, and and make that work. And, you know, make them do those things until you see some sort of dynamic between the two of them. You know, 100%. Where Chris is just trying to wiggle out of it, or he's he's doing something that you're just like, what is what is happening every time the two of them interact? And it just gets weirder and weirder. Um, so they're they're in a staff meeting, he's got a squeaky chair, we don't we don't work on that. He pours water for Russo. That doesn't go anywhere.
SPEAKER_02Oh no, wait, hold on. I'm confused. He's in the wedding singer. That's I said what yeah, I said the wrong wedding movie.
SPEAKER_00Uh, there's two wedding movies? Okay.
SPEAKER_02Yes, he's in the wedding singer with Adam Sandler, and that's who he's funny.
SPEAKER_00Oh, his wedding singer and wedding crashers is the Yes. Yeah. I confused my weddings.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00They have seen Wedding Crashers, maybe.
SPEAKER_02Bradley Cooper is in Wedding Crashers.
SPEAKER_00Really?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. That's I think now I have them straight.
SPEAKER_00You mean he plays the character that you're thinking this guy plays? Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02So I think so. This guy in this movie plays the wedding singer character that's the same, and then Bradley Cooper plays this character in Wedding Crasher. Yeah, and so I'm pretty sure I have it all straight now.
SPEAKER_00These are all very set characters. So you have to do them right. Yeah. Um okay, so the squeaky chair and the glass of water. These are classic bits. Yeah. Yeah. Sweek, squee. Yeah, everybody looks at him. Squeeze. Everybody looks at him. You know, you have to you have to get some dynam dynamic editing going on. Like the glass of water. Well, that's tough. You know, he's because he cut he just sort of pushes it over there. He doesn't he doesn't go to any extremes. He doesn't take off his shoe and push it further with the water.
SPEAKER_02He doesn't take off his shoe, but he climbs on the table a little bit. Oh, does he climb on the table? They're like, yeah, and then they're like per seant. And then it's a cut of him like basically laying on the table, and then that's it. That's the end of the joke.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. All all a setup that never really gets to the joke. 100%. You know, nail
Nazis, Evidence Room, And Lazy Bits
SPEAKER_00it. So they're gonna make him go do a a buy, they try to put a wire on him, they shave him, and then here he comes up to the junkyard full of Nazis. He looks like a child, he's got a badly applied bald cap, he's got a fanny pack with uh with a schwastick on it. I found that funny. I didn't laugh. I didn't laugh, but I thought it was funny. Um and then they immediately uh oh I no, I wrote Chuckle by the Nazi fanny pack.
SPEAKER_02There you go.
SPEAKER_00And they immediately discover the wire, and then they take him away in uh uh to a uh um they take him away to a warehouse.
SPEAKER_02To a place, yeah, a place that they're gonna electrocute him.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, they wouldn't they electrocute his nipples. Not not funny, but then he calls into the wire for his brothers, and then here come the brothers to put a put a ass kicking on the Nazis. Yeah. To the song of We're Not Gonna Take It. Uh, this could have been longer, this could have been funnier.
SPEAKER_02Um Yes, yes, it could have been.
SPEAKER_00Chris, what's his name? Who's playing Peter? Uh swinging the bat around. He looked like he knew what the fun. He looked like he was the guy who does this. 100%. These guys are real actor. These guys came in there at this is the first time I bought that these characters were who they were.
SPEAKER_02Sure. Yeah, yeah, 100%. So maybe you have to do something like this sooner then. Because this shouldn't be the first time that we're like, oh, okay. I see.
SPEAKER_00Or let him do it. You know, have give him some lines in here, you know. Let him let them do his thing.
SPEAKER_02Oh, 100%. You know, let them yeah, let them play in this for sure. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
SPEAKER_02Um, and then the the their people show up and uh Yeah, he well, he calls them and then they come and he's playing with the dog, I guess.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because there was a uh, you know, and I mean that's the the whole thing should have stemmed from his ability to interact with the dog. Yeah. That's what it should have done. Should have didn't. Uh so he's he's the hero for taking down the skinheads. Um he's back in the evidence room. The evidence room, very tiny. Uh one corner of it. There are only 12 cases in the FBI. No, there's there's a hundred cases, and they're all cocaine cases because there is 45% of the room where these shelves piled with cocaine.
SPEAKER_02You're right. You're absolutely right.
SPEAKER_00You're like the prop guy's like, we're gonna have files, we're gonna have cocaine. That's it. Okay, all right, that's fine. How much cocaine you got? Oh, I got a lot of it. And I mean, I'm sorry, but if he walks in that, you if you walk into that prop room and you see all that cocaine, he's gonna comment on that.
SPEAKER_01Oh. Yeah. Oh a lot of cocaine.
SPEAKER_00A lot of cocaine. You know, wow, you gotta make the those those those are your jokes where you're making fun of your own movie.
SPEAKER_02But being self-aware is very charming, everybody.
SPEAKER_00And that's the whole thing with comedy is paying attention to your environment and paying attention to what's going on and then reacting to it.
SPEAKER_02Yep.
SPEAKER_00And 100%. You know, I I mean, we we know that if uh uh Ace Ventura Pet Detective were to walk in there, he would have a bunch of observations.
SPEAKER_02Yes, he would.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and the world would be a better place for it.
SPEAKER_02You're right. I should re-watch that today. No, you should just for just for fun. That's a terrible movie. That is incorrect, and you know it.
SPEAKER_00Take it back. He finds the file, but Russo appears, and then they go do a mar they're like, let's go do martial arts.
SPEAKER_02And then we have this martial arts thing where she punches him in the nuts. And then is like, don't take it easy on me. Everyone takes it easy on me. So then he's not even doing anything different than every other guy. So, you know what? This doesn't make any sense. Their love story, it doesn't make any sense, Dan.
SPEAKER_00Okay,
Romance, Hostage Chaos, And Rewrite Ideas
SPEAKER_00here we go. There's a hostage situation. They go there, this guy has a person, he's got a gun, and then they give Corky the gun to shoot him. So weird.
SPEAKER_02This I did laugh at this part. Oh, okay. When only when he's aiming at the cop, and the cop looks back and it's like, whoa. And he's like, sorry, sorry. That was funny to me. Yeah. Um, but then the rest of the scene isn't funny because then he just fires the gun 120 times, and and then somehow they're like, Well, you saved the day.
SPEAKER_00He loses control of the gun. The gun shoots a propane tank, which blows up this wheater dog that got loose, and the suspect he has to run and save the dog. And this is when the woman falls the when Russo falls in love with him because he could do things.
SPEAKER_02Because he open mouth kissed a dog. Um, so I'm just gonna do a slight rewrite, and I have a quick, and I just want to see how you feel about it. Instead of him firing 200 bullets, what if the guy he he almost shoots his own guy? He's like, hey, sorry, sorry about that, just uh just lining up the sights, and then the other guy's like, you got the safety on. And then he just goes, you know, fixes it and shoots once and then blows up the gas station, and everyone's like, Oh God, what did you do? And then he just says, Oh, the gun was funky, and then's like, hey, you're right, it's a fake gun. That is much simpler and cleaner in my mind. He doesn't have to walk down the street firing a machine gun 200 times. He accidentally fires just one time and blows everything up, and then it turns out that that was the right call.
SPEAKER_00Now you're making sense. So they determined that this bad guy is not the night vulture, so they're still looking for them. What'd you what'd you pop in there, Dan? What are you doing? What?
SPEAKER_02Did you take a little candy?
SPEAKER_00No, I rubbed my chin for luck.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I thought you put some candy in your mouth. And I was like, what do we want to do? You're not sharing with the class? What do you got? A little butter scotch? Yeah, open, yeah, say, uh, let me see the tonsils.
SPEAKER_00All right, I believe you. I wish I was put I have uh I have Trader Joe's uh gummies out there, which I wish I was eating those right now. Oh, yeah. It'd be much more enjoyable than talking to you.
SPEAKER_02Um that's hurtful, but and I would allow you to do it, but you would be smacking all over the place. Nom nom nom gummies are tough.
SPEAKER_00Uh he's heading it, but heading back to work. He calls the vet to see how things are going. And oh no, he drives himself in, but then he locks himself out of the car. Oh no, he has to drive in the suspect. The suspect back. He's saying weird things and I don't know. He's talking nonsense, gibberish, I guess. I don't know. So he he almost locks himself out of the car, and then he's trying to reach his hand in, then the perp hits it, the car goes in reverse, and then he crashes into his own brother's car.
SPEAKER_02Right. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, and then here come all the FBI agent, and they're like, hey, what are you guys doing with the camera and everything? And so then he has to take over the situation so that they don't get talked to, and the way that he uh does dominance over them is he forces the tiniest fart out of his butt and then tells them to leave because they've been dominated by him. Yep. I guess I guess so. Oh no, wait, he says, yeah, sniff that one, ass clowns, get out of here. Yep.
SPEAKER_02So there you go. I mean, don't don't worry about the fact that he drove six blocks away from the precinct um with the with the perp in the back seat, his thing is kicked in. Don't worry about any of that. Don't worry about the fact that they're clearly surveilling something and they're on the FBI's wanted list. Like, don't worry about all that stuff. They're they're fine to go.
SPEAKER_00Because he dominated them and showed his manliness in front of everybody.
SPEAKER_04Okay, very strange.
SPEAKER_00That's a lot of work. Yeah. Uh the boss now, uh wait, where are we at? Uh but he goes. Oh, wait, so he take oh he he'd stolen. Wait, what happened? Oh boy. Oh, he goes back. Oh, I guess he already stole the folder and now it's in the gym in his briefcase.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, he had stolen it earlier, and then when she was like, let's go fight, he brought that with him to the gym and left it in the gym.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so we do another scene with the brothers where he's like, It's I know where it's at, I'm gonna go get it. They're like, Well, why are you doing that? Just go. Yeah, okay, don't tell us, just go get it. So he's searching the gym for the briefcase, and then here comes Brick. And now did Brick open the briefcase and see what was going on.
SPEAKER_02He seems to know what is inside. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So boom, but of course, like everything, whenever anything starts happening, we're like, breaking the case. And because Quirky speaks all these languages, he has to go and translate for this drug deal between a Malaysian guy and a Chinese guy or something? I don't know. Something.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I don't know. Something like that.
SPEAKER_00And he can't do it, and so eventually guns are pulled and uh people get shot, and then Corky's able to grab onto one guy, so that becomes the success.
SPEAKER_02Somehow. Somehow. Um, so when the scene started, I went on a real roller coaster here. When the scene started, I was like, oh no, this is gonna get real racist real quick. Sure. And part of me was excited, but also like, oh, this is you know, because you can't do it anymore, but it's like, I wonder how far they went back in the day. They actually didn't do anything racist. No, they didn't, amazingly, which was amazing, but also so disappointing for a 2001 movie. I was like, come on, let's do something bad here. We can't like we can't get away with it anymore. Let's see what they did, and they did nothing. And I was like, huh, respect, but also like what a letdown for watching an old movie.
SPEAKER_00All he ever did was repeat what the guys were saying. Which is very smart. I mean, it's like a really smart way to really smart way not to get super racist. Yeah, it really is. Because he's not going bing bong and you know making noises and being very, very I was I was impressed and disappointed at the same time. That was really when we did improv, that was the only game I was afraid of.
SPEAKER_02Sure.
SPEAKER_00I did not want to, I did not want to, because I was terrible at it, and yeah, I just didn't ever want to, I just knew no outcome was gonna be positive from that game. For me, for me, for me in particular.
SPEAKER_02Other people would be great, could could be good with it, but not me. It was terrible. Yeah, no, I was uh, you know, it's good.
SPEAKER_00Um, okay, so that now the boss now puts him in in in uh what happened to okay. I don't know where I'm at. Oh, he farted in their faces, the chickens fly, the boss now puts him in charge. Um, and then he goes, this is the point at which he goes back to the house again. This time what was that? What was the dis what was the disguise between postman and girl scout? Um packages? No. I don't remember. Well, the Girl Scout must not have been very funny. He dresses up as a Girl Scout, which is which is kind of funny, you know. It's it's weird looking.
SPEAKER_02You know what's weird is again, this is the only line of the movie I remember is he rings the doorbell and just goes, Do you guys want some cookies? In my head, I had played it up so much more than this. Yeah, for some reason, I remember someone like looking through the peephole, and then it's like a fish-eyed lens. You made it into a scene. You made that into a scene. I made it into this whole thing, and then I was like, Oh, can't wait, here it comes. And it's just done in like a second. I was like, really? Why did I remember that for 20, 30 years? That's wild to me. But that, yeah, well, that was it.
SPEAKER_00When you're a kid and you see him come out dressed as a girl, as a girl, little girl scout, you're like, okay, that's you know, you're like, oh my god, look at that. That's hilarious. Yeah, because I was probably I was looking at the uh some of the Rotten Tomatoes reviews of this movie, and the people were all like, the funniest. If you are an idiot, if you do not find this so funny, it's like, okay, yeah, you know, some people, their maturity is the same level as Tony when he was, you know, 12 years old.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. And mine uh honestly hasn't progressed super far, but you know, apparently enough. So that's something. Thank God.
Disguises, Casino Trouble, And Weird CGI
SPEAKER_00Um, so boom, he walks in there and boom, there's dad's new nurse, and that is none other than Agent Russo acting like she's I don't know, Ukrainian or something. Something, I don't know. But her name's Esperanza, yeah. I don't know what's happening. Then they have they go into the hall and talk in whispers, and then they almost kiss. She wants to kiss him. I does he want to kiss her, I I guess.
SPEAKER_02He does. He does, because they do the close-up of each face, and he's definitely into it, but then he you know, chickens out or something. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00Goes back into the room with dad, and one of the brothers, Peter, no, not Peter, Paulie, he figures it out. He figures out exactly what's going on, and you see it in his eyes and you see it in things he says, but then he doesn't say or do anything. Correct. Which you're like, if you're gonna play him an idiot, you can't have him figure out what's going on and then show us through his acting that he knows what's going on.
SPEAKER_02You in you see it in his eyes, right? And that's yeah, it's a problem.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So, okay. Um, now we set up that Corky has to go to an underground casino.
SPEAKER_02Well, the other, so the other two cops went to the underground casino and they got caught, so he's gonna go save.
SPEAKER_00He's gotta go rescue them. So, but it was supposedly an underground casino, which I don't think we ever see, do we?
SPEAKER_02No, we don't see it, but he mentions it. They say it when they're going, and then he mentions it at the door. He's like, I'm going to your underground casino to play some craps.
SPEAKER_00Yes. So at the front door, I think he gets turned away by a woman and then gets thrown by a by a little person, bouncer, who's dressed very strangely. Um he goes up the stairs, he sees the guys he's trying to rescue. Once again, if the FBI knew that two of their guys were being held hostage, they would just send cork. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Um he gets he he climbs in through a window, then he gets he uh he he climbs in and then somehow gets her, picks up her underwear and puts it on his face. She comes in.
SPEAKER_02He hits his nose somehow, so his nose is like bleeding, so he's using it to stop the bleeding. And then the joke is like, oh, it looks like he's smelling it. So then she calls him a pervert, and then pepper sprays the shit out of him. Uh, and then he goes in the next room and grabs a shirt that a woman is wearing and tears it off, apparently, and uses that to wipe his face. So just a real, real funny string of events here.
SPEAKER_00And then the little bouncer comes in and starts to use mini karate to karate him in the face. He does some sort of bicycle kick on the face, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Then they they want to get to the bottom of the thing, so they put his head in a paint shaker and shake him.
SPEAKER_02And his body goes erect and like shakes horizontal to the ground. Uh, it's super weird. This is a super weird thing.
SPEAKER_00But then they find his uh his business card, which tells him that he's one of the, you know, he's part of the criminal family.
SPEAKER_01He's part of the family.
SPEAKER_02Um, so they stop the shaker and then but they have digitally made his eyes continue to shake. Oh, okay. So his head, so his body has stopped shaking, but his eyes are still like going crazy. It's one of the scariest things I've ever seen.
SPEAKER_00They also did digital eyes with the cocaine. They made his eyes very large.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, they made them big for yeah, yeah, enlarged them, and yeah. So, you know, digital effects, very expensive on this movie.
SPEAKER_00The birth of CGI. Uh he's back This was the first movie to use CGI. First movie. Uh back at the house, uh Pete has figured out that something is going on with Corky and the nurse, and then so Corky has to do an extended Rudolph the Red Norse reindeer analogy about being different because he knows that his brother is gay.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Almost a nice moment, you know?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Back to the back to the office. The boys in the boss's office, and then he has to explain himself, and then Brick starts crying about a lack of recognition.
SPEAKER_02I liked this scene a lot. Yeah. It's the jealous ex, like the jealous lover type of trope here, where he's jealous of Cork that Corky's come in and getting all his special treatment, yeah, and then everyone's using the captain's real name instead of calling him like Sir or whatever. Like it's a it's a fun little scene. Um, yeah, I appreciated it. That's that's all I want to say. It's good.
SPEAKER_00And the two guys that he rescued are now wearing loud colored colored ties. Yeah. And he gets all mad. He's like, you know, I want to pee part of the the what does he call it? The something, the groovy tie squad. The groovy tie squad. I'm like, okay, that's that's kind of funny. It was it's a good bit. And then they say, you know, everybody hates you, Brick, because everybody thinks you're an asshole. You're an asshole. Even even your wife thinks you're an asshole.
SPEAKER_02I was like, oh my she's and some they say something about how she's like getting na railed by someone up north or something. It's like JC. It's intense. Yeah. It's a good scene. That's it's this is uh this is a good scene. I liked it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um, we kind of we go back to the house, and then we figure out that the the dad is up for murder because he he looked through the things, the evidence, and then he goes to yell at dad, and dad's like, that evidence is bullshit, and then he kicks the bros and the lawyer, the brothers and the lawyer out of the room, and then he uh he talks to him about his mom, I think, right?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, they have a nice little moment.
SPEAKER_00Yep, and then I think everybody then just comes back.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, everybody comes back. Well, yeah, the moment's over, you know.
SPEAKER_00And then he then he fights with Polly and takes Polly down.
SPEAKER_02Corky takes Polly to the ground.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, with like an arm bar of some sort. How is he taking Polly to the ground?
SPEAKER_02I told you so there's you know pressure points or uh, you know, something. Ligament or something. When did he learn that? From the Lady. Oh, that's right. The one time that she she punched him in the balls. That's what they should have done.
SPEAKER_00She should have taught him some move.
SPEAKER_02Oh, they should have done that. Yeah. I mean, they think they did because later at the end, like the end, the final moment is them both doing the penis punch. Uh really. To get the bad guys down. You don't remember that? Yeah.
unknownGet the bad guys down.
SPEAKER_01I don't remember that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's out. We'll get there. I think I fell asleep for a little bit near the end. Polly then admits he can't read. And then Polly's like, yeah, but what's his name? The homo. And then everybody pulls guns. And then Corky's, you know, get over it. And then they all hug it out. Hug it out. Yeah. Yep. And then I think Dad kicks him out again. Oh no, this is the this is where he kicks him out, and then they all talk about uh the mom.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because this this is what the mom used to do is hold the family together. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, and then they we think that dad's having a heart attack, and then the FBI shows up and everyone pulls guns.
Twist Reveal, Nut Punch Finale, No Consequences
SPEAKER_02Well, Chris Katan is like, I think I know who is setting dad up. Okay. So they he pretends that the dad's having a heart attack, so that the the informant goes and like confesses to the dad or something.
SPEAKER_00Okay. So he gets captured. Outside we find out that then Brick is the night vulture. Right. So this is so you did miss.
SPEAKER_02All right. So there's like a chase scene. They go out the window.
SPEAKER_00I fell asleep. I totally did not see any chasing.
SPEAKER_02So the informant takes off and then Corky chases him. You also missed. Did you miss my gun moment? Because this is the moment where I think so. I think because the the informant puts a gun on Corky and is like, I got, or Corky puts a gun on the informant, and then and then the lady puts a gun on Corky and is like, what are you doing? And then gun, gun, gun. And then the informant takes off. Corky chases him. Yeah. All the police come in, and they're like, oh, Corky went after the real bad guy. So then we go outside. Corky and him have a little fight. The blonde catches up, and she's like, What's going on? He's says he's the night vulture. And then the informant is out there, and so is the night vulture. And then Corky and the lady have like a little eye contact, and then they both punch them in the nuts, and that's how they win the fight.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I missed that. I was sleeping I slept with that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So that's the callback from the training sequence, quote unquote. Yeah. There it is. Just punch them in the nuts. Yeah. Then they get married. Right. So that's confusing. So now it's so weird. So he saves the day, right? And gets the night vulture and proves that his dad didn't murder anyone.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02But still for sure does money laundering. What did he say? Money laundering, racketeering, gambling. He like lists off things that he did do. Yeah. And then the FBI guy is like, well, we've got a lot more work for you, Corky. And Corky's like, no, because as we all know now, I'm not a real FBI agent. And they're like, cool, buddy. So good. And then they all go to the wedding.
SPEAKER_00And then Peter Fox at the wedding. I'm not for sure that like the Peter Fox would be in jail or something. Or, you know, they'd be like, nope, everyone's at the wedding. Nothing. And they all hug and everything's fine.
SPEAKER_02They're all best friends with the with the criminals and the FPI. I don't know, man. It's very weird. That part you're just like, yeah, well, we gotta make it all work out. Right, whatever. It doesn't matter. Who cares?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I mean, the debt should have turned state's evidence or something, and you know. Something. There's a bunch of very easy fixes for that, which isn't just there are no consequences to anything that had happened.
SPEAKER_02Right. He's just a mob boss. I wouldn't worry about it. Yeah. He's alright.
SPEAKER_00And that's the end, and there are no outtakes, and the movie just dance.
SPEAKER_02Nope. They call him uh one take Chris, you know, no jokes, no nothing. Just comes in, one take and heads out.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So, you know, it was just weird. It's not a it's not a great movie, but it's not a painful movie. No, you know, not really.
SPEAKER_00You wish it was better, but you know, 2001, the most of the movies were terrible back then. So that can't be true.
SPEAKER_02There's no way. I'm gonna look this up.
Best Movies Of 2001 And Chris Kattan
SPEAKER_02Best movie is a 2001.
SPEAKER_00Hit me with those top five movies from 2001.
SPEAKER_02Well, we already one of my favorite movies of all time came up, Out Cold. Now that's a funny movie. Have you seen Out Cold? Out Cold? I don't I don't think I've even been there. It also has Zach Galifanakis. It's a snowboarding movie where a group of teens try to save their local mountain from a big corporation. Uh it's great. Wonderful movie. It's like uh it's kind of like uh ski patrol successor, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00You heard they're making another super, you know, they're making another super troopers movie.
SPEAKER_02That's funny you say that. So supertroopers is on that list as well, but I don't I don't know if that came out in 2001. I'm not sure I believe that. Okay. There's not a ton, Dan. Okay.
SPEAKER_00Wow. I thought you were gonna make it. Zoolander. Zoolander was 2001. Uh Zoolander 2 better than Zoolander 1?
SPEAKER_02Everyone agrees. Joyride with Paul Walker and Steve Zahn. That came out. That was a great. I still that's an every year horror movie for me. Did any real film movies? I guess Super Troopers was 2001.
SPEAKER_00Did any real film? Super troopers. No, no, no. Real movies like made by filmmakers, not teen comedy. You didn't search teen comedies from 2001.
SPEAKER_02I just wrote best movies of 2001, and this is what's on my list here. Oh my god. Wet Hot American Summer came out. I watched half 2001. Didn't finish it. It's it's a very particular audience, I think, for Wet Hot. But I we used to love that movie. A Knight's Tale came out with Heath Ledger. That's a fun movie. I think that's unwatchable, right?
SPEAKER_00I believe it's one. I think I think that was that was right when Shannon and I started going out, and I was like, eh, she went to it and she came back and she was like, that was terrible.
SPEAKER_02I love it. I think it's great. It's like it's modern day vernacular and people in old time. You know what I mean? It's one of those. Ooh, I would um hate that. I gotta tell you, there's not Saving Silverman came out in 2001, so some great comedy. That's a real comedy, okay. But I'm not seeing like what won the Oscars? Like, where are like the real I don't understand what's happening in the show?
SPEAKER_002001 or 2002 Oscar nominees. That's what you're gonna look up, right?
SPEAKER_022002. Because that'll be the ones that'll be.
SPEAKER_00Let's see what were the best picture nominees 2002.
SPEAKER_02Alright. Best actor. I don't care about that. Where's like best film? Animated film, Shrek, Monsters Inc. Those are pretty good. I mean, Shrek is Lord of the Rings, the Fellowship of the Ring. So there's a real movie. Blackhawk Down. Oh, okay. Moulin Rouge! Oh shit. I didn't I didn't see Moulin Rouge. That's a great movie. There it is. So that's all you need to know right there. 2001 Moulin Rouge. Perfect year. Best year of cinema ever.
SPEAKER_00Do you want to say anything else about Chris Catan?
SPEAKER_02And uh I you know, I just there was a time where I was like, Chris Catan should get more work. I was young. He's not great. Yeah, you know what I mean? He's fine, but he's not yeah. They did it was about right.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, he went through some health issues, still going through health issues. I'm oh no, really? Oh yeah. That's sad. He's that's a bummer. He's got all sorts of back issues, I think. Yeah. I saw him once I saw him once live at Groundlings.
SPEAKER_01Um good?
SPEAKER_00You know, it's like when you s when I saw Melissa McCarthy at Groundlings, you were like, holy crazy on fire. Yeah, she knew exactly what she was doing in every scene, and she did not do the same things in every scene. She's just like, okay, let's go here, let's go here, I can do this, I can do that, and just you know, she she, you know, she's good, knows how to flex those muscles. Chris, the muscles have atrophied, unfortunately.
SPEAKER_02Sure, sure. Yeah, it happens. It it does happen.
SPEAKER_00Okay, now we talk about something we like this week.
Lego Store Drama And Love Island Mode
SPEAKER_00Well, if you weren't living under a rock, uh uh we had the whole Lego thing play out, which was the you missed it. Tony was living under a rock. I well, I'll tell you where I was living next, but you go first here. Uh everyone that pays attention to anything, um this this uh Lego store, bricks and mini figs, uh cons this one local store consigned a bunch of Lego Star Wars sets, and then the store changed hands and they didn't want to give back the remaining stock that they hadn't sold. And so they this youtuber guy, reckless somebody, reckless Ron, it's not reckless Ron, uh, got involved and it is just this cascade of stupidity. Um on the you know, the the YouTuber, of course, is doing lots of things that are just not I mean you they're stupid, but at least he's trying to do them in service of a good cause.
SPEAKER_02Sure.
SPEAKER_00And so he's raised three hundred thousand plus money on a GoFundMe, and wow, everyone is suing everyone, and there's police body camp footage, and the police That's why you know it. Oh, yeah. The police are are being so sketchy, you're just like Really? What do you mean, really? It's body cam stuff.
SPEAKER_02I don't it I want to be clear, I'm not surprised that the police are being sketchy. I just meant I don't know anything about the story, and the police being sketchy about Legos is like a weird thing to wrap my head around.
SPEAKER_00No, they they raided the they raided the YouTubers place, guns drawn. Wait, what? Oh yeah, no, it's when you look at the whole thing, it's it's an absurd escalation that that could have been solved by giving back some Lego sets that they were that the people who own the store or who bought the store have were not entitled to at all. And you're just like interesting, okay. It's just a bunch of stupidity from people who think I could do what I want. It's like, well, once once you've turns out you can. Yeah, and so like uh this it's like a chain of Lego stores, but most of them are franchises, so the people that own them own them, and you know, right, and so a lot of other people that own these stores are getting in having trouble because of the the situation and this because this one guy, yeah. Because this one guy, this one store scott look, and so people are having to sh close the stores and everything. Oh man, I'll have to do some research. That's wild. And you know, uh everybody's making videos about it on YouTube because you make a video and you instantly get 11,000 views. Sure. Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_02Well, maybe we should put that as our clip for the weekend.
SPEAKER_00Yes, we should. But that was the other thing is the police released all these redacted body camp footage, but then like two days later, unredacted footage came out of all of it and just made it made it that they were not doing what they were supposed to be doing. At one point, I guess what was one of the guys was like, one of the cops says to the other cop, yeah, I used to do hydrocodone with that guy. You know, when the cops are admitting drug use, that's uh hmm, okay.
SPEAKER_02Well, yeah, he said used to, Dan, okay. So oh my god.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, no, that's it is gonna be uh wild stuff. You know, it's it's gonna be an internet thing for a while, and then it's gonna be uh an endless lawsuit thing for time to come.
SPEAKER_02Wow, unbelievable.
SPEAKER_00So what have you been wasting your time doing, Tony?
SPEAKER_02Well, unless you've been under a Lego rock, you've been doing what I've been doing, which is enjoying the best time of the year, which is, of course, the six weeks of summer in which Love Island USA is on the air. It started this week, and it is already off to a banner start. We got some real nut jobs in the Casa this year. Um, it's just a treat. So as soon as that starts, Dan, that's all I do. I lock in on it. It's the best, it's my favorite six weeks of the year. So um we're living in it, we're having some fun. Oh boy, what a treat. Team Sincere. That's all I'm gonna say.
SPEAKER_00That's all you're gonna say. Um, we need a movie.
Next Week KPAX And Sign Off
SPEAKER_00Um, we do. Who in Hollywood is the most disgraced actor out there? Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey, we haven't seen him in a while. I think we have I think we've only ever seen him on Catwoman. He was the bad guy. He was like Was he the bad guy in Catwoman? I think no, what's her name was the bad guy, but he was in He's definitely in it. There was something it had something to do with him and Catwoman, I thought, right? I seem to remember him trying to adopt a cat or something weird happening. Oh, did we do his cat movie? We did his cat movie. That's what we did. That's not Catwoman. Nine lives. Nine lives. That's what we did.
SPEAKER_02What a treat.
SPEAKER_00We're going what are we doing now? We're going to outer space in a mental hospital for none other than K Packs.
SPEAKER_02K Pax. So, Dan, I'm gonna tell you right now, K Pax for three two to three years was my favorite movie of all time. I haven't seen it in 20 years, and I I can't wait to watch it again and be like, what the fuck was I thinking? This was your favorite movie. I was I was obsessed with this movie. I thought it was so smart and so cool. I don't remember anything about it, uh, but I remember I was just like, that's such a good movie, guys. It's so good. Uh, I can't wait to rewatch it and just be like, what is going on? Maybe it'll be good. You know, it might be getting. I don't think so because even at the time, everyone was like, dude, no, this movie sucks. I'm pretty sure. I don't remember everything, but I just I feel like I had a lot of arguments about this movie back in the day.
SPEAKER_00I've been defend K Packs, you don't know what you're talking about, bro.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I remember I yeah, I'm very this is exciting to me because I this is gonna be a trip down memory lane, and I we get to see into my psyche as uh as a young adult.
SPEAKER_01Not good things, clearly. K-Pax, he was he was Kacks worshiping uh Kevin Spacey. It can't be a good thing. Oh boy.
SPEAKER_00So we'll be back next week uh talking about KPAX. Uh if you like what we do, give us a thumbs up, leave a comment, or subscribe.
SPEAKER_01Be one of our subscribers where you get to see stuff first, you get those subscriber-only videos.
SPEAKER_02Nope, we don't work on it. We don't do any of those things, so don't listen to Dan. Just do it because it's fun.
SPEAKER_01And we'll be back next week hanging out with Kevin Spacey. He'll be here, I think. I think he might be here.
SPEAKER_02He might as well. He's got nothing else going on.
SPEAKER_01And uh thanks for coming along. We'll see you later.
SPEAKER_02Goodbye, everybody.