Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching Fountain of Youth: A Two-Hour Expedition to Nowhere
Adventure films are a delicate balance of charm, wonder, and heart—which is why "Fountain of Youth" is such a fascinating disappointment to dissect. What should have been a thrilling revival of a beloved genre instead becomes a masterclass in missed opportunities.
The frustration comes not from the film being terrible (we've seen worse), but from how tantalizingly close it comes to greatness before veering off course. With John Krasinski, Natalie Portman, and stunning locations around the world, all the ingredients were there. Yet something vital is missing: soul.
Great adventure protagonists care deeply about something—Indiana Jones respects artifacts even while stealing them, Benjamin Gates in National Treasure risks everything to protect historical treasures while pursuing them. Krasinski's Luke, by contrast, moves through the story with curious detachment, displaying impressive combat skills without explanation and making quips that never land with the intended charm.
The supporting cast fares no better, with potentially interesting characters reduced to exposition machines. The chemistry between leads is nonexistent despite the script insisting otherwise. Even the central mystery—the Fountain of Youth itself—operates on confusing, inconsistent rules that change to serve the plot rather than create a coherent mythology.
What makes this analysis worthwhile is recognizing how "Fountain of Youth" illuminates exactly what makes adventure films work by doing the opposite. It's a reminder that spectacle without heart falls flat, that heroes need vulnerability alongside capability, and that audiences want to feel wonder alongside the characters discovering ancient secrets.
If you love adventure cinema and want to understand why some attempts work brilliantly while others fail, join us for this deep dive into a film that might just kill the genre it hoped to revitalize. Subscribe, share your thoughts in the comments, and let us know what adventure classics you'd recommend instead!
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In my defense, this is the darkest timeline, so really everyone was born in the wrong time right now, it's not going well. It is not going well, that is correct.
Speaker 2:It's like I grew up with the atomic bomb. Yeah, we got over it. I'm like, okay, it's going pretty good, that's great. You might be wishing for the atomic bomb about now.
Speaker 1:I miss those days Wow.
Speaker 2:I missed. Stop, drop and duck, duck undercover.
Speaker 1:And that's how you hid from bombs.
Speaker 2:Yes, you would crawl under your desk.
Speaker 1:Okay, they know that's not going to work, right? Even then they had to know that that wasn't going to work. You've got to give us something that's called a false sense of security. Dan, I'm glad you fell for it.
Speaker 2:Oh, no, no, no. None of us thought that we were going to.
Speaker 1:Even then you were like this is pretty dumb right. I guess we'll do it, but it's not going to stop a bomb.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, no like my entire childhood was living in fear of the atomic bomb.
Speaker 1:Well, couldn't you just crawl into a refrigerator? You know Indiana Jones? Hey, watch it with Dan. And Tony.
Speaker 2:Hey, watch it with Dan and Tony. I'm Dan.
Speaker 1:And I'm Tony.
Speaker 2:On this show. We watch a movie, then we talk about the movie. It's as simple as that. We'll make it more complex.
Speaker 1:It's as simple as that. It We'll make it more complex. It's as simple as that, and yet it usually takes Dan three to five minutes to describe what we do at the top of the show.
Speaker 2:No, I've been getting better.
Speaker 1:Tony, you're right, I know I'm sorry, I'm being harsh today.
Speaker 2:We look for terrible movies and you know what? Most of the times, we find them.
Speaker 1:We find them. We find them, we're looking. You don't have to look very hard. That's the whole thing about Hollywood in this show. You don't have to look very hard. They pretty much just present them to you on a silver platter.
Speaker 2:You like see the trailer and you're like, oh, we're going to be watching that for the show.
Speaker 1:I fell for this one hard, because this is right in my wheelhouse. These are some of my favorite movies of all time. Like this genre is is my favorite second favorite, maybe to horror, but probably close to my favorite. And um boy, did they do everything wrong, every, everything, every single. It's like they've never seen an adventure movie in their lives.
Speaker 2:I do not know the bad girls or the adversarial girl's name. I never caught her name.
Speaker 1:You mean in the movie?
Speaker 2:In the movie.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2:Her real name's Iza, something, something she's been in a number of things I've seen.
Speaker 1:Have you seen Ambulance yet? Did I talk about that? Is Ambulance, michael Bay Is that the movie that's Well, you should watch it.
Speaker 2:That, like I haven't seen the Scorsese one, there's a Scorsese one with. No, it's not Scorsese what's his name With the Prince of Persia.
Speaker 1:Oh really, yeah, what is that? I don't know. I don't know what that is.
Speaker 2:Okay, you're saying the Michael Bay directed Ambulance and it's pretty fun.
Speaker 1:It's pretty fun, yeah, also with Jake Gyllenhaal, of course, and also this lady.
Speaker 2:It is Jake Gyllenhaal. Yes.
Speaker 1:It's Jake Gyllenhaal and one other guy Whose name I can't remember. Yeah, it's great. Great is a bit of an exaggeration, but it's a very fun action movie. It's like all shot on drones and stuff, so there's some really cool stuff that they are able to do. It's Michael Bay, so it's still a little Bayish, but it's the more Grounded of the Bay films.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, I think I tried to watch Domino at one point. Domino, sure, that one was just very rough, very very, very hard Very hard and I just have not really gone back to Bay since I've been like I don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's fine. I like to give people extra chances for no reason.
Speaker 2:Tony, what movie are we watching?
Speaker 1:We are watching the Apple TV Plus Disappointment, fountain of Youth 2025, two hours and seven minutes. Too long.
Speaker 2:National Treasure. I believe it was two hours 11 minutes, I think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, something like that. Yeah, and you know what? That movie? Not too long, because that is very possible to make a movie that does make use of the time you give it.
Speaker 2:Of his adversaries. In the National Treasure movie does he beat the shit out of or shoot with a gun?
Speaker 1:I don't, I don't remember anyone dying. I'm sure they do. But it's not it's not like this though, right? Well, because I mean, sean Bean is the adversary, right? Yes, starts as a starts as a friend becomes the adversary, and I'm sure there are goons that, at the end, probably don't make it out of that final cave. Yeah, like I'm sure people die, similar to how they did on the staircase in this movie.
Speaker 2:People definitely fall to their death in that staircase at the International Treasure. I mean I can't swear to that, but as I remember, no, no, that for sure happens.
Speaker 1:That staircase is very dangerous I don't think we take out a giant uh gatling gun or whatever the hell this thing is, and just mow people down. That I don't believe happens okay, I'm just.
Speaker 2:I haven't seen that stretch a while, I just wanted to to calibrate to make sure my memory of it was Nicolas Cage's main skill, wasn't?
Speaker 1:beating up hired killers.
Speaker 2:Having the skills to beat the shit out of hired killers.
Speaker 1:No, there are gunshots, but I would wager I should really watch this movie again. I don't think Nick wields a gun. I think the bad guys do and kind of shoot, because the whole point of that movie is he's staying one step ahead of them.
Speaker 2:He's dodging the bullets.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's not like, oh, I'm going to stand and fight and murder y'all. I don't think so.
Speaker 2:Come on, Sean Bean, I'm going to kick the shit out of you because I'm the greatest kickboxer fighter in the world.
Speaker 1:No yeah.
Speaker 2:Spoilers. These are things that happen in this movie.
Speaker 1:I'm going to try to look it up. Is this possible to look up A national treasure? Nicolas Cage's character, Benjamin Franklin Gates, doesn't explicitly kill anyone. Okay.
Speaker 2:There you go, explicitly kill anyone. Okay, there you go. I mean not that what's his name explicitly kills anyone, but he certainly makes it. So people are dying around him fairly regularly and no one cares at all.
Speaker 1:There's the scene when they float the boat, the sub or whatever. At one point they're just firing machine guns willy-nilly, they crash a helicopter. I mean that's ridiculous.
Speaker 2:They didn't crash a helicopter. I mean, they shot the helicopter. We're hit, we're hit, I guess we're going to have to go back to base and we have just enough power and energy Right, because we have plenty of time to fly over the ocean for ten minutes?
Speaker 1:I don't know, I don't know I can't, I don't understand how helicopters work, but it's still silly. They're fine when you shoot them like for 10 to 15 minutes, you know what I mean. Then they gotta sit down, you gotta patch the hole, that's all that happens.
Speaker 2:You gotta weld it shut whip out some insta weld and a little duct tape.
Speaker 1:Fine little gaff tape goes a long way Because they're on a movie set.
Speaker 2:Nailed it, so this movie.
Speaker 1:Is bad. Thanks for coming by everybody. So this I was talking to the wife and it's not the worst movie we've seen.
Speaker 2:In a while.
Speaker 1:But it is, to me, the most frustrating movie because of all of the wasted potential and terrible choices, that a movie that should be great and I should love and should revitalize this genre that's been dormant for 20 years, is gonna do the opposite. People are gonna look at this and be like I guess we can't make movies like that anymore because nobody likes them. And no, no, no, no. You made a shitty movie and nobody liked it. That's what happens. Try again.
Speaker 2:They really. You know, I'm thinking of the movies we've done. We did Uncharted.
Speaker 1:Uncharted yeah.
Speaker 2:Which you know it's, and we didn't do the gray man but the gray man's sort of in the same sort of place, and they're just sort of wrong-headed movies that just they don't understand what the genre is.
Speaker 1:No and that's weird.
Speaker 2:It's not that confusing. I wouldn't think so you throw some people that are in semi-conflict together and then in the first act you do that. You throw them together in the first act or the beginning of the second act and you have your team assembled. Then they act as a team to overcome a bunch of issues.
Speaker 1:Hopefully multiple, like what would you call it like solving multiple clues. I feel like this movie they solve one clue did they solve a clue? Well, the kid solved the one clue the kid solved.
Speaker 2:The kid did two things and they did nothing. I looked at the poster of this movie. Maybe after I watched maybe 10 minutes of, I looked at the poster of this movie.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:You know, maybe after I'd watched you know maybe 10 minutes of it, I looked at the poster and I'm like holy shit, her kid is coming along on the adventure.
Speaker 1:On this crazy adventure, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I say to myself oh, okay. The only reason this kid is coming along is because we're going to shoot him at the end, and then we're going to shoot him at the end, and then we're going to have to use the fountain of youth to save him.
Speaker 1:This is going to be the whole thing To be. Let me be very clear. I assumed the ending would be the same, except for we're not shooting a child, Dan, because that is crazy.
Speaker 2:They just bring me on.
Speaker 1:I'm like die I thought they were going to shoot Natalie Portman because she's the one that's like I don't want to do this, I don't want to be here. When, when, west, then you shoot her and then krasinski has to like, choose her over the riches. That's what I thought was gonna happen.
Speaker 2:Why is there a child there? You, if you're not gonna shoot the child, I?
Speaker 1:thought the child being there was a bad decision from jump street, like I didn't think they should have ever brought the kid along, except for the fact that the kid and the redhead were the only interesting characters on that journey. When they have that scene in the cafe, I was like, okay, I would follow this movie, like this odd couple of the smart-ass kid and the rich idiot.
Speaker 2:Like oh boy, oh boy, this is bad movie well, we'll talk about that scene when we get to it, because sure, that scene is a scene from a. It's a scene from a different movie correct.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not a scene from this movie, it's absolutely not a scene from this movie like like the kid is playing the proper kid character but Dom Hall is not playing his character, he's not doing anything, he never plays that character. They never were like okay, you got to play this character. And I watched the first 10 minutes or so of National Treasure. He has a whole childhood thing where grandpa's like kind of does it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, grandpa tells the story right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the dad yells at him and like stop treasure hunters, you dumb, dumbs and then they're in the snow and they go and they find, they find a boat, then they find the ship you know under the ice.
Speaker 1:It's all coming back as you're, as you're telling me, yeah, keep going he, he.
Speaker 2:he gets this little seal that he rolls and it shows some words and then he does a whole. He does a whole thing where he gets things wrong. He says things and then he realizes they're wrong.
Speaker 1:Great, Okay, yeah, cause he's working it out.
Speaker 2:He's working it out and it's he's doing a great job. And Sean beans there and this other guy's there, the other dumb guy's like I think that's a prison and he's like no, and he's like this poor guy's like pouting. But you instantly see sean bean, you're like he, automatically you're not trusting him oh yeah, you're like first of all sean bean, but yeah you're like nah, something, something's going on with you, sean.
Speaker 2:You're not here for the right reasons yeah, and you gotta give us you know, and not that we're gonna get to the end of the movie and go oh, Dom Hall's the real bad guy. Because we realized that about halfway through, because we don't have a real bad guy, we're like oh, we haven't seen a real bad guy.
Speaker 1:When you're searching for a bad guy, he's usually right in front of you, so yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when the standard bad guys, who are actually good guys, are literally saying oh, by the way, I'm not the bad guy, but I'm just trying to slow you down.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, very confused. Well. So it's kind of like the mummy, right, because they have that whole people clad that are protecting. We're going to talk about the mummy.
Speaker 2:They have a whole bunch of people that in this thing they have people protecting the secret.
Speaker 1:No, they have a group of them. No, she has a bunch of people that in this thing.
Speaker 2:They have people protecting the secret. Yeah, they have a group of them, she had. No, she has a bunch of people that all die along the way.
Speaker 1:I mean, I guess that's true, but we don't know any of them. And then, and then stanley tucci has like a key of some.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna actually need you to explain a bunch of things about this movie to me, by the way, just forewarning but the point is in the you have the guys that are protecting it and then at a certain point they sort of change sides a little bit. But you understand it.
Speaker 2:There is a natural progression point where they're protecting it and they will just shoot you or whatever. They'll do what they need to do. And then at a certain point it's gone too far and they're like, okay, we're all working together, yeah, and it's a perfect regression. This movie does not understand that at all.
Speaker 1:This movie doesn't understand anything that anyone's ever done before. It doesn't understand Indiana Jones. It doesn't understand National Treasure. It doesn't understand the Mummy. It doesn't even understand Sahara Okay, we're going to treasure. It doesn't understand the mummy. It doesn't even understand sahara.
Speaker 2:Okay, we're gonna go to sahara's the worst movie ever.
Speaker 1:No, this is 10 times worse than sahara, and I'm gonna prove it at some point I saw sahara.
Speaker 2:Sahara's fine. It's not good, but hold on.
Speaker 1:Steve's on is great, oh yeah he, he.
Speaker 2:I won't say he made his career, but he certainly showed that he could do what it takes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, amen.
Speaker 2:It was a fun movie. It was fun. It was a fun, not special movie. That's what it was.
Speaker 1:That is all I wanted this movie to be. It doesn't have to be groundbreaking, it doesn't have to be great, it just has to be fun and watchable. I just want to be able to put it on for two hours and like, just chill, just chill. Instead, I'm yelling at the screen, I'm mad at everybody, I'm googling people to see if their lives have fallen apart because I'm so upset um sorry, okay, well, we're gonna. We're gonna talk about this because it's gonna be long we start john krasinski's character, luke.
Speaker 2:He's on a scooter, the phone rings. God, he's beset on all sides by they're. He's in thailand. He's beset on all sides by thailand people, thai people, kasem. He's got a painting rolled up on his back and kasem's like that's not your painting, so hold on yeah, so it just to catch everybody up.
Speaker 1:I tried to watch this movie in earnest, uh, two weeks ago and at this point I was like, oh, I think I need to turn this off because I think this needs to be a hate watching.
Speaker 2:It is this point of the movie.
Speaker 1:Wow, that was quick, but I let it go and by the end of this chase scene, my wife turns to me. She's like we have to turn this off. This has to be for the podcast, otherwise we're just going to be mad all night. I was like you're right, we're done. But so the point, point where I knew I was gonna hate this movie yeah, krasinski's riding on a scooter, ignoring a phone call. Ignoring a phone call without any any facial expressions at all. Ignoring, ignoring kasem pulls up and kasem gives a very.
Speaker 1:Am I saying that right, kasem?
Speaker 2:yeah, kasem, kasem, or it's kasem because kasem, okay well listen, I apologize.
Speaker 1:Um, he pulls up and he has this very funny look on his face while he's holding the phone and redialing and in that face I laughed and I was like, oh great, this is gonna be great. Then we cut to krasinski and he notices them and there's no joke, he's unable to deliver a facial expression of any surprise of any of anything. And then he is charmless.
Speaker 1:in this scene there's no charm he's condescending and he's not charming in this scene, like there's a way to do it, like Brandon Fraser is very condescending in the mummy. Like, especially at the beginning.
Speaker 2:Right yeah, he's the greatest. Way that at the beginning. Right yeah, he's the greatest. In a way that's charming. He knows he's the greatest and he's 100 greatest.
Speaker 1:And here's the thing I'm like oh, I think he's the greatest. I think I like. I believe him. He's definitely right. Krasinski has no charm in this. He's charmless. He's got negative char I don't know what, the anti-charm, but that's what we'll call it. He's got the anti-charm and I knew immediately the first, the very first line. When he's just like, oh hey, kasem, or whatever he says, I was like oh shit, we're in trouble. This guy can't pull this off whatsoever.
Speaker 1:And kasem is very funny, he's trying all of his reactions are at least jokes. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like he's doing his best.
Speaker 1:He's my favorite character in the movie and he's barely in it. His two scenes in this movie are better than anything. Anyone else does the entire film.
Speaker 2:Because that's the thing is. Through the movie, they try and convince us that his character has a love of adventure.
Speaker 1:But he doesn't.
Speaker 2:He doesn't he doesn't, I'll just tell you right now.
Speaker 1:He says it, he says it a bunch, but he does not. He is not enjoying. He needs to be loving every second of the adventure. He needs to. He needs to thrive on adventure, but he's like he's just grumpy most of the time. He's grumpy but like thinks he's cooler than everybody. He thinks he's above it, which is weird because it's mostly his plan. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, I hate him. I hate him. And here's the thing office people, let me know, because I hated the office. The office is one of my least favorite sitcoms of all time. I think it's trash. Having said that, I've never actually watched it all the way through. I've just seen episodes and I'm like I don't laugh at all. Is he charming in that show on any level?
Speaker 2:Is he charming? No, I think he's a creature of the Office. So he is like a guy who thinks understand, who like thinks he's sort of better than it and you know, because good at his, you know he's good at his job, and so he doesn't have to work hard at it, and so he just sort of he's, he's sort of a smart ass.
Speaker 1:You know, he's just like whatever and which is kind of what he's doing here. But it doesn't make sense here because here he also needs to be like beguiling and like the roguish, you know what I mean like he needs to have one. He needs to have an edge to him, like an edge of danger, not an edge of anger, which is what he has. He think he thinks everybody's stupid and he hates everybody and I hate him. He just doesn't have that. He needs to have that spark in him. Like yeah, again I mean I'm gonna talk about the mummy, but like brendan fraser, yeah, he's condescending, he thinks he's above everybody, but he, he is having the time of his life.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean let's let's think about his character versus benny. Who's the? Who's the guy, the egyptian guy, or whatever?
Speaker 1:He beats up.
Speaker 2:Benny. He's huge, benny's little and he picks on Benny. He's terrible to Benny when they're on the opposite sides of the thing. He's like who's on the right side of? The thing, benny, right side of the river and you're like that is petty, that is not the bigger man.
Speaker 2:That's like I'm going to rub it in Fuck you, screw you petty. That is not the bigger man, that's like a. I'm gonna rub it in fuck you, screw you. Yeah, and we love it, we, we love this character because we know we, we know that this guy's gonna be put through stuff and he's gonna be able to get through it and he does go through shit and he goes through like he gets.
Speaker 1:he gets beat up a bunch in that movie, yeah.
Speaker 2:And he's up to the challenge. This guy does not seem like he's up to the challenge except when they have him, when they give him the ability to defeat every challenge.
Speaker 1:Barely even trying. You want to know, what frustrates me the most about not maybe not the most, but really frustrated me If you look at the clothes in this movie oh, I didn't look at the clothes. They never get dirty. There it is. Guys are in the mother freaking desert. They're going through like temples and shit. Nobody gets dirty. They enter the, the fountain of youth, and their clothes are completely clean. I mean, except for Krasinski has a tiny spot of blood where he gets shot in the arm, a tiny spot of blood.
Speaker 2:I don't know how gunshots work. He doesn't get shot in the arm, he gets shot in the chest.
Speaker 1:Are you sure? Because it has to be the arm, because he's totally fine when he walks around, he has an injury and all he's doing is holding his arm.
Speaker 2:Maybe he does get shot in the arm Dan. I don't know. I just remember the whole being right here. That's the whole point.
Speaker 1:I don't know. The fact that we don't even know the answer to that is crazy.
Speaker 2:Do you understand that? It seemed like he got shot right to the side of the arm, but then his arm had a bandage on it.
Speaker 1:His arm has a bandage on it which we never see anyone put on, by the way it seemed like he got shot somewhere and then he had a bandage in another place. Yeah, exactly, we don't know, they don't know, nobody cares, it's wild and anyways. So he's got a little spot of blood, I don't know, maybe two spots of blood, who knows but the rest of his clothes completely clean. And then he goes into the F of youth. He's not even wet when he comes out. I don't even understand it.
Speaker 1:I don't understand anything, it's not really water. Well, I'm going to have a lot of questions on that, dan, so put a pin in that, because I have a lot of fountain of youth questions for you.
Speaker 2:That was the one. That's the part I got was like wait what?
Speaker 1:Oh no, you don't understand it either. We're in trouble. What's the rules? What's the rules? That's what I wrote down. What are the rules? Question mark. Question mark.
Speaker 2:Question mark nobody knows it's too powerful and people aren't ready for it yet, but someday they'll be ready and you're like why? Why would they be ready, but also ready for what?
Speaker 1:just to kill their, the people they love? I don't understand, but let's, let's wait. We'll wait for that, I'm sorry. Anyhow, back to this boring motorcycle ride. That should be funny and is not funny. And this is how we introduce our main character, and he is un-like-able.
Speaker 2:So he hits the brakes and escapes from the people that are on all sides of him and they chase him until he gets away to the train station. He calls Murph, Um, there's a plane ready, but he has to go another way. So they got it. He has to go to um, he has to go to Bangkok, or he has to get on train to Bangkok. And then he um, oh yeah, this I'll tell you when I stopped liking this movie or not, when I was like, really like, and then he I'll tell you when I stopped liking this movie.
Speaker 1:Oh, great perfect.
Speaker 2:When I was really like oh okay.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:He gets off of his scooter and then runs or something, and then he steals a working man's scooter.
Speaker 1:That has his entire livelihood on the back.
Speaker 2:Has a trailer with his little food food stand and then he goes and destroys the trailer. The trailer gets completely destroyed and that's the point that I like.
Speaker 1:When he steals it, it's like, okay, there better be a way of like this guy gets his bike back or I'm gonna be pissed because again this is this guy's entire life. This is how he makes money and krasinski just steals it nonchalantly and we're're supposed to be like that's funny. But then he detaches it and lets it run into the car and explode. That man just lost everything. That man's dead in two weeks.
Speaker 2:He has lost everything. There was a nice scene where he was riding through the train station. It was good looking. I mean good looking.
Speaker 1:Sure, a lot of this movie looks fine. I was going to say good, but I don't care about giving it a compliment.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Then at the last minute he jumps off the scooter and then gets on the train. Yeah, yeah, the train. And this is when, through this movie, I was thinking about his character and he just destroyed a guy's livelihood, probably destroyed his cart, lost his scooter to him also, which I'm assuming someone else is just going to pick up and steal. Oh for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just sitting there, yeah.
Speaker 2:We have the Robin Hoods of the world and the Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones did not go around just wrecking people's lives, sure?
Speaker 1:there's also another big difference what's the big? Difference. Indiana jones cares he cares um.
Speaker 2:He's a human yeah, and this guy, just, he is just a wrecking ball through the world for really no reason, just because he doesn't care about anything. If his sister was buried in a capsule underground and she was going to die in 48 hours, you can set up bullshit stakes where you're going to make the random person you know like dang, let's tell you you know your dog is, we've got your dog. If you don't do it, we tell us you know the the dog. I'm not going to say we'll do something bad to the dog, I'm going to do whatever it takes. And if people get hurt in the way, I'm going to feel bad about it, and that's the thing you could do. In a movie, a character can say oh shit, you know I've ruined this sucks, but I have to do it.
Speaker 2:You have to give us and that makes you know once it. That builds a character. Because he's not a character, because we never believe in what he's doing. We don't understand. We just don't understand what he, why he's doing all this. Yeah, you know, if he's like an adrenaline, who did we ever watch something where the guy was an adrenaline junkie? Did we ever do it?
Speaker 2:Because there were some other movies we watched and we're like, if you made this guy an adrenaline junkie I'd get it. This guy's like you know, if you had a Mark Wahlberg guy, I don't like. But if he played an adrenaline junkie, you know a little bit in that movie where they're flying he plays like the psychopath Flight path.
Speaker 1:Is that what?
Speaker 2:it was. You're like okay, this is just a freaking weird guy that has to do these terrible things. I believe that more than I believe this character.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I still don't totally understand his motivation at all. You know what I mean? Like full stop, he keeps saying something like, uh, our names will live forever if we discover this or whatever. But like I don't, does he care? Does he really care about that? I don't think he cares about that one, um, and he also doesn't care about the stuff. That's my biggest complaint about everyone in this movie. Nobody is like, hey, this is priceless artifacts, let's protect them. Natalie Portman kind of does it at the very end, but it's way too late because that's a swing from her character that hasn't cared about anything before that.
Speaker 1:They stole six really priceless paintings and nobody really cared they would not care if that that warehouse caught on fire and all that right like nobody, like the whole point of national treasure is that nicholas cage is saying you, you can't steal the declaration because you will hurt it. I can steal it because I will make sure it doesn't get damaged and I will return it in perfect condition. He does that, doesn't he?
Speaker 2:That's like his whole. Yes, he takes the responsibility, he's responsible. Nobody takes any responsibility in this movie.
Speaker 1:No, they have these six priceless paintings and they're just like, ah, take them, you can take them all, but there's one more painting you don't have yet. Ha, ha, ha ha, like I don't, I don't care about this. Nobody cares about the stuff. No one is doing it for the right reasons, and that drives me crazy. These movies are all about people that care about these things. Indiana Jones cares about the shit that he's looking for. He wants to make sure it gets to the rightful place national treasure. He cares. The whole point is he cares so much he's trying to do the bad thing before a bad person does the bad thing, which is a hilarious. I just I love that. I think it's very funny he does, doesn't he?
Speaker 2:he does the bad thing before the bad guy can do the bad thing, yes, and do damage. Think about that. It's about preserving he's about preserving.
Speaker 1:He's like it's going to happen either way. I should be the one to do it, because I'm going to make sure that it still stands. You're going to destroy it. You're going to be John Krasinski. We need a Nicolas Cage in this movie to prevent John Krasinski from doing the shit that he's doing.
Speaker 2:Wow, and I mean, just think about it, if you're writing this and you come up with that idea.
Speaker 1:It's great.
Speaker 2:It is your character, it's your entire character. He cares more about the stuff than he does himself or anything else. He's like I've got to do this to protect the thing Interesting yeah, he jumps the train, he falls asleep. The thing Interesting he jumps the train, he falls asleep. Now he has these dreams about this gold mask that his dad was looking for and the dad didn't find it or did find it. We hear different stories. I watched the beginning of Indiana Jones.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Boom, boom, boom. He gets there. They jump the pit. I mean mean it is so perfect in every way, shape and form, you're just like there. No one will ever make a better act one for any movie, I think ever. I. I mean, I don't, I don't know how of this kind of movie it's. It's unbelievable, everything that's woven in Him. Not talking for a long time, we don't see his face. When we see his face, it's because he's finally Whatever. He turns into that main room where there's a little idol. Behind him there's a gold round mask. You know this. Is this the same mask that they're looking at?
Speaker 1:Oh Inch, I didn't even.
Speaker 2:oh shit, that would be wild if it was right very similar interesting certainly they're like I don't know, in an egyptian sort of sand situation with that, but I was like, huh, that's kind of weird, that's interesting, yeah. So maybe it's probably just like a nod, because they're like, oh, we're basically.
Speaker 1:But I was like, huh, that's kind of weird, that's interesting, yeah so maybe it's probably just like a nod Cause they're like oh, we're basically Indiana Jones, but better, but they're not. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:He wakes up on the train. Here's Eliza Gonzalez, or whatever her name is.
Speaker 1:No idea what her name in the thing, yeah, I maybe I should look that up, look up her name, so we know her name. So I don't just call her girly, because I did write girly, which is very rude, but whatever IMDB says, esme, esme.
Speaker 2:Okay, so her name is Esme. I never heard that, are you sure I?
Speaker 1:don't think I've ever heard that in this movie. That doesn't sound familiar to me oh no, I never heard it.
Speaker 2:I never heard it. Okay, yeah, weird. He probably never learned her name. You know which? Once again if you're in conflict with someone, let's just do names. While we're sitting there, what's?
Speaker 1:your name. Well, doesn't he make that joke? Isn't he like are we getting ahead of ourselves? Should we start with names? Isn't he like are we getting ahead?
Speaker 2:of ourselves, should we?
Speaker 1:start with names, and then she doesn't give him her name.
Speaker 2:You gotta give the name, but she says his name. Yeah, it's weird. So here's Esme. She's hot that's a given um, she does like they do, a whole you talk in your sleep bit which they do later, which never amounts to anything.
Speaker 1:No, it doesn't. But they talk about it like it's going to because I don't and I don't understand. I don't, I don't get it. It's not like a joke, it doesn't. They do it twice, I think, because the sister then does it once and he goes. People keep telling me that, okay, then we don't ever do it again.
Speaker 2:We do it twice. What's?
Speaker 1:next, right Like what's the next one? What's the top of that beat? Somebody do it again. Someone tell me what's going on. Nothing, it's just like a weird thing that they thought was maybe funny. I don't know.
Speaker 2:It might have to do with how they write movies, where they write them on the fly, and so they do set up things they're like, okay, we're gonna set this thing up well, it's like in case we need to get out some information and he can say oh, you can set it in your sleep, oh, you set it in your sleep, and that's how we know this. I guess I don't know yeah, I don't know but then you got two hours and seven minutes.
Speaker 1:Cut that shit out yeah, it's weird, you got two hours and seven minutes. Cut that shit out. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:It's weird. She recovers paintings she's got guys, he makes the things like I've got guys and he gestures to these two sleeping monks and I was like, okay, this is going to be interesting, it's not the guys jump him. He beats the shit out of them. She attacks him. He beats the shit out of her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he beats the shit out of them. She attacks him. He beats the shit out of her. Yeah, he like tosses her in a bathroom and locks her in at the end or something.
Speaker 2:Well, before that, he beats the shit out of her.
Speaker 1:Well, to be fair, he's twice the size of her.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, but you can't have the bigger dude beating the shit out of a woman.
Speaker 1:No, no, you always got to punch up. You can't have the bigger dude beating the shit out of a woman. No, no, you always got to punch up. You can't punch down.
Speaker 2:And he's much bigger than the guys she brings with her.
Speaker 1:I think he must be very tall. He always seems like the biggest guy in the room to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you're just like wait a second. Where's the jeopardy in any of this?
Speaker 1:Yeah, he can beat anybody? Yeah, he's never. Does he ever lose a fight? I don't think so. I don't think so either. I don't think yeah.
Speaker 2:Which is a problem he doesn't lose a fight. It's so weird.
Speaker 1:Also, I have a hard time believing that there's no sexual chemistry between them.
Speaker 2:You have a hard time believing there is sexual chemistry between them. Is that what you're saying?
Speaker 1:I guess what I'm trying to say is how is it possible that there's not sexual chemistry.
Speaker 2:Oh, I see what you're saying.
Speaker 1:It feels like that should be pretty easy, because they are both very attractive people. He is, I think so. I think people generally think he's he's attractive.
Speaker 1:I don't find him attractive at all, but I also think that people used to think he was charming. Maybe this movie has fixed everyone's beliefs and they now realize he's just a fucking goober. Um, but I just there needs to be a tension between them because he makes all of these awkward sexual jokes to her about, like, trying to kiss her and at one point she takes off a piece of clothing, is like, oh okay, we're doing this, but there's never chemistry between them I am never like oh okay, hello, this could be fun she doesn't flirt with him no, but she's uninterested in him.
Speaker 1:She in her defense. He is uninteresting right, but there's a point where Natalie Portman is like. I sensed the chemistry between you two. She says it. I was like where when I must have missed that part because I would love that and when they're fighting in the library, that should be a very sexy fight. Like two things are missing from that fight scene which I mean just going to talk about now is he needs to be protecting the books or she needs to be protecting. Someone needs to be protecting the books.
Speaker 2:We've got to talk about that. Let's talk about that soon when we talk about it, Dan.
Speaker 1:I'm so worked up over this movie.
Speaker 2:But I'm thinking about both of those scenes. She never flirts with him. He's just like you're a mess.
Speaker 1:He's just a creep. Yes, he's a creep. Yeah, he's just a creep the whole time, and he's supposed to be charming. None of this works. This movie sucks.
Speaker 2:You know she needs to, like you know, rub some blood off of you know she needs to do something. She needs to do, and I mean know she needs to do something. She needs to do and and I mean she, she needs to do something if you want to play that game, but if, if the whole thing is, he's a creep and she's like I'm doing a job, dude, I'm, I'm working yeah, and that's weird.
Speaker 1:It's weird like their relationship is weird. And then at the end of the movie she kisses him on the cheek and I was like no, nope, didn't earn it, didn't earn that at all.
Speaker 2:Kissed him on the cheek and I was like no, nope, didn't earn it, didn't earn that at all. Kissed him on the cheek. I I was like writing yeah when that happened and I like so I missed it, thankfully.
Speaker 1:Kisses him on the cheek and is like I'll kill you if I have to, which is like the closest thing that they've had to like any sort of chemistry.
Speaker 2:But it's the very last scene.
Speaker 1:That was the most chemistry they had in the whole thing, because she, because she showed interest right and she needs to be battling with that the whole time, like she needs to have this, like I'm interested in this guy because she also, when she's talking to stanley tucci, she's like no, this guy's different, he's gonna do it. He's different. I don't get the feeling that she thinks he's different. She needs to, at first, be like this is just another treasure hunter, he's an asshole. And then, through his determination and charm and being good at his job, she needs to be like okay, this guy is different, but I also still have to stop you. So I'm torn because I want to have sex with you, but I also need to kill you. I need to have these feelings happening on the screen for me to enjoy it.
Speaker 2:She needed a line at the very beginning saying something like you know you're not, you did not look like this in the photo, you know. Or something Just like something, where she's all like she finds him attractive, she has to find him attractive, yeah, like, oh, hang on a minute.
Speaker 1:Interesting, interesting yeah.
Speaker 2:You are tall, you know. You know, just like, with a little inflection in her voice she's got to be a little thirsty, and it would make it actually would make the fight scene interesting because they should be there, needs to be in.
Speaker 1:There needs to be a level of sexual chemistry during the fighting. I know that that sounds weird, but this is their fault. They set up that relationship.
Speaker 2:This is what they want.
Speaker 1:Yes, they're like because Natalie Portman is a sister, so there's no love interest there, which is fine, that's totally fine with me. It is weird because I do get more sexual chemistry between them than I do between him and the bad lady, which is very strange. But you know, that's on them.
Speaker 2:He gets picked up by Murph, who's his guy. He jumps off the train. Murph's going to come pick him up In the UK. We meet Charlotte, his sister. He has a son. They're getting divorced. She's kind of surprised they're getting divorced. She's kind of surprised um it's all very confusing, because, doesn't it?
Speaker 1:come out that he cheated on her. I I really didn't like this, but it did matters because they put it in there. She at one point she calls him a dog. She's like he's got dog-like tendencies and humps everything or something she did say which is weird because the guy that we meet is like very straight lace.
Speaker 1:No nonsense I'm. I don't get dog from him at all. You gotta unbutton a little show a little chest hair, buddy, that's all I, all right. But she does seem surprised in this scene, which is confusing because if he cheated, then she's the one asking for the divorce.
Speaker 2:Well, she's saying that they talked about it and worked out. Once again, this is a scene where you've manufactured stakes that don't make any sense.
Speaker 1:Don't make any sense and don't matter to the movie.
Speaker 2:They were. She says we'd already worked everything out and now you're showing up to this with a lawyer.
Speaker 1:To which she would say we're not having this meeting. Let me get a lawyer, Right because I'm an adult, I know I understand things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you walk in there and she's standing there with a lawyer. She should look at it and be like you're doing an absurd thing where you're giving her bad information about the situation and then expecting her to sit in the situation and solve the problem.
Speaker 1:No, and this is our first meeting with this character. So, I'm just so confused on who she is and where she's, I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't know anything here we are at the museum where she works, where she is, I believe she might be the head curator. I guess she's the curator of she's definitely important.
Speaker 1:You know, you know what I'm saying and I don't know a lot about art or art buildings, but she's very important. There I do. You worked at like a wood.
Speaker 2:A wood you put things in a wood thing. What am?
Speaker 1:I saying you put paintings in wood. Right, that's what you did for a while.
Speaker 2:But paintings and what no, I worked at. I've worked at museums and galleries and everything to do with the art world.
Speaker 2:Here we go. She's a curator at the museum. She says I like what I do. We never see any point at which she didn't like this job. We didn't see her in her office having to do a lot of shitty paperwork. We don't see her. We don't see. You know, if I was writing a thing about a paperwork, we don't see her. If I was writing a thing about a museum curator who wasn't having fun, it would be really easy. What you would say is she would say I thought I'd be actually doing something. But you know what a head of a museum and important curators do a lot of times they raise money.
Speaker 1:That is what they do.
Speaker 2:The head of a museum is a guy that knows how to raise money. He knows how to get money out of rich people's pockets because I need donations to keep it afloat. They need to. The the public walking through the door of the museum is not paying for having those paintings on the wall.
Speaker 2:They're rich people, yeah, and so you know she's there, we're at opening and she's just having a hobnob with the most horrible people ever. And he comes in and it's like, oh, you enjoying yourself. And she's all like I did not think this is what it would be Right, she doesn't even give us one line, that's all great.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's not one line in this entire movie, from the way I see it. She does like her job and the only person that doesn't think that she likes her job is Krasinski. And he kidnaps her and she's like okay, because even at the end she's like well, now you got me fired, you know what I mean? Or whatever, like I still don't have a job and that's somehow not a bad thing. I'm so confused. Also, real quickly, I like your idea of it being some sort of a party where there's stuff happening as opposed to.
Speaker 1:The only two people in the museum are her and him.
Speaker 2:Well, this movie and we'll talk about it in Act 3, has a way of just making people disappear. It does not exist in situations You're like wow, one of the biggest tourist sites in the entire world it's closed. They closed it. Yeah super weird. A site you cannot close is closed somehow.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, for people to set up machine guns. Giant turret. Machine guns. Yeah, machine guns. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. I just it's just, it's a weird scene because there should be other people in the museum but and also, if there are other people in the museum, it's easier for him to escape. This guy steals a painting and then just runs, runs for a mile and then just walks out the front door.
Speaker 2:There's zero security anywhere?
Speaker 1:Where is the security guards? Where is anybody but her as someone?
Speaker 2:who has worked security in a museum. There are security people all over the place and you know what they all have. They all have walkie-talkies. What he's going down the hall?
Speaker 1:right towards you. He'll be there in three, two. Oh, you got him. Great, that's all that needs to happen.
Speaker 2:They all carry walkie-talkies and doors can be closed and all sorts of things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, only one door closes, right when he takes the painting. One door closes he gets underneath it, and then he's free to go. I don't understand any of this, Dan.
Speaker 2:I gotta tell you something about big museums. They're big.
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah, there's probably more than just the one room.
Speaker 2:I would guess I've never been to a museum in my life but, I'm assuming there's more than one room.
Speaker 1:I just run out this one door and there's the exit and I'm in the parking lot, all right.
Speaker 2:There's Cars Park right in front. It's a classic Hollywood thing is oh, we're going to. They go to the library and they just like pull up right in front of it. Now I'll get out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like no, that's not where you park. You're going at least one block that way parking and you're walking pal.
Speaker 2:You know, I'm going to have to watch more National Treasure to see if they do that in that movie or if they treat us like adults.
Speaker 1:I think I'm also going to watch it today.
Speaker 2:I know you are yeah.
Speaker 1:I am Okay.
Speaker 2:So he's there to steal a painting, not to see her, which, once again, if you're there to steal the painting, why would you involve her?
Speaker 1:But whatever, honestly, he's a terrible brother, brother one. She tells him about the divorce and he doesn't give a shit. He's like well, I'm sorry to hear that. Anyway, let's talk about me for a little bit. He is the worst person in this movie. He's awful yeah yeah, um, and then yeah, he steals the painting while she's there, like immediately makes her an accomplice on purpose, right? Essentially, this is him trying to draw her into his web of crime.
Speaker 2:I guess, it's weird. He runs out, gets in this blue sports car which they then drive around, which of course-.
Speaker 1:Beautiful car, by the way, wow.
Speaker 2:There's no security at the thing, but as soon as he gets in a car there's street security.
Speaker 1:Okay, there's not museum security, but you can't be on the streets of wherever they are.
Speaker 2:And I guess he turns a corner and drives inside a semi and they close the doors like we've done in Spy Hunter and a million other things.
Speaker 1:Spy Hunter's so good, spy Hunter, yeah.
Speaker 2:Classic, and here are Murph and Deb, two generic characters that are just there to say things.
Speaker 1:They never get anything.
Speaker 2:Dan, what the hell Deb gets shot, and then Murph cradles her lovingly and lays-.
Speaker 1:For about 20 minutes. They call for We'll talk about it later. They call for a medic. He's like get a medic over here. But then we cut back after at least an hour of stuff has happened and they're still laying in the sand and I was like where is the medic? She's bleeding out, right now.
Speaker 2:It's maybe the most awkward staging thing I've ever seen in any movie, Because you're just like what are they doing? But they can't be part of the action and seem threatening, so they have to just sort of sit there.
Speaker 1:Power in the corner. Yeah, no, it's weird.
Speaker 2:But it's also not in the corner. It's like against things.
Speaker 1:Just the middle of a wall.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean you're absolutely in the corner. It's like against things, just the middle of a wall. Yeah, I mean you're absolutely the corner was misleading for sure, because they're just in the middle of a walkway that everyone has to go up and down and everyone sees them and nobody cares how's it going, hey hey, hey you're doing a good.
Speaker 2:You're good, all right, we'll see you later we're bleeding out here, but go, go, all right, don't worry, just calm, calm.
Speaker 1:We got some stuff to do inside. It's very frustrating because the whole part of having a team is to have a fun team. You know what I mean, fun team.
Speaker 2:Oh, you do comms, you do this, you do that.
Speaker 1:Right, great, you have.
Speaker 2:Jack Black sitting in the van, you know like eating Skittles or whatever Wonderful. He's a keyboard, yeah.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I mean, national Treasure has a great team. Right, I mean it's a small team, but it's a great team. These people need to be characters. They need to be characters and we have to know what they are, what they do and who you know. It's so weird to have just random people standing around talking for no reason. One weird to have just random people standing around talking for no reason.
Speaker 2:One guy has to drive and it's Mother's Milk from the Boys.
Speaker 1:We know he's a good actor. He's on another team where he does shit, so it's very confusing when he's here not doing anything.
Speaker 2:He's getting paid, thankfully. So they open up the painting. Nothing is there. He says he does a bunch of things oh you gotta forgive me for this.
Speaker 1:Then he drugs her and then just leaves her on a park bench and I really wanted this to be funny, but it's again kind of creepy you mean?
Speaker 2:you mean leave your sister unconscious on a park bench? In the middle of the city.
Speaker 1:How could that be weird?
Speaker 2:That seems perfectly safe. Nothing could happen.
Speaker 1:How can that be weird? That's totally normal behavior. I don't know, man. This movie is so weird, so bad.
Speaker 2:I really thought he was going to leave her there with the painting. Yeah well, that would be the nice thing to do, or just to leave her there with the painting.
Speaker 1:Yeah well, that would be the nice thing to do. Or just maybe bring her back to the museum, make it seem like she never left, and they just find her in her office and she's like, oh, what happened? I don't know.
Speaker 2:Maybe she wakes up in a locked park car, whatever.
Speaker 1:But just a random bench. That's bad, that's bad news Bears.
Speaker 2:So in walks this guy, jamal, who's an agent of Interpol, she says something about his hounds, his mendacious houndstooth, and it is a blocky line. It is not well delivered.
Speaker 1:They have a couple back and forth, that they're using big words and I'm not saying I'm stupid, I mean I don't understand the word, so I am stupid, but they don't sound like natural words coming out of their mouths. And I'm confused on if this is like a joke in the movie, where they're trying to use big words that they don't understand, or if it's just horrible dialogue that comes out super weird and they didn't feel like doing another take. I don't know, but it's. It's incredibly awkward. This detective also not charming, which is a real bummer to me. Uh, nobody. Where is? Where are all the charming people in this movie? The tooch? Well, you're right about that. Tooch comes through. I wish he was in it more than about 45 seconds, that's for sure. Sweet cane, by the way, I love that oh, do you have a cool cane?
Speaker 2:I don't remember that tooch, yeah, yeah he's like you gotta, you gotta buy me a good cane and I I get to keep it I.
Speaker 1:He probably just showed up to set with that. He's like I think my character would have this cane. And then they're like cool Stanley, you do what you want to do, man.
Speaker 2:The rolling door that locked up the room rolls open and the painting has been returned.
Speaker 1:Yep, have you ever seen Pierce Brosnan's art heist movie? What's that called? Oh, is it the Thomas?
Speaker 2:Crown Affair. Is it that?
Speaker 1:one, the Thomas Crown Affair, where he Well heist movie, what's that called? Oh, is it the thomas crown affair? Is it that one, the thomas crown affair? Where, like he, well, I don't. I'm not gonna spoil it for everybody, but a similar thing happens in that movie and it's wonderful in this movie. It's stupid, it doesn't make any sense. How would they do?
Speaker 2:that how, what?
Speaker 1:they can't the door's down, dan, they can't just open the door. The Thomas Crown Affair does Like a trick. He has a trick in his, he tricks him totally different Scenario. It's so Weird and doesn't make any sense, so mad at it.
Speaker 2:They're like just have it be back, and Maybe we'll explain it later on in the script.
Speaker 1:Right, like oh, so how did? Okay, it's back In the room. How would he get that? They don't worry about it. We don't need to talk about it. He's a magician, she goes to see her ex.
Speaker 2:The ex is like I know everything that's happened to you. You're disgraced. We're like how does he know? How does he know?
Speaker 1:that who called him the police? The first call the police make were to her ex-husband like hey, by the way, if you cared to know, she's an accomplice to art theft. Now it's's like what is happening.
Speaker 2:That's not what happens. But there wasn't art theft either.
Speaker 1:The art's there no well, you know sort of semi-theft. Well, I don't know what they'd call it, but something happened. All right, dan, something happened. Something happened and now it's back to normal.
Speaker 2:She goes to see Murph and lo and behold, there's the whole gang, but also there's Owen Carver, the money guy, who I guess is one of the wealthiest guys on the planet.
Speaker 1:He's got to be. He floats a whole submarine, well, part of it. He saws a submarine in half and then floats it. He's got endless money, endless pockets of money.
Speaker 2:I'm very jealous he has liver cancer, and so he needs the fountain of youth.
Speaker 1:To live. Um, I don't know anything about liver cancer.
Speaker 2:She has been fired.
Speaker 1:Yes, she got fired and she's kind of upset about it. Enough to talk about it, but not enough to be mad.
Speaker 2:Not really mad.
Speaker 1:Right, like enough that she's like hey, you got me fired, but okay, so you owe me a Coke.
Speaker 2:You know what happens in the Phantom the one girl punches the other girl, then the other girl punches the other girl.
Speaker 1:Right, amen to that, yeah. She should have walked in there and kicked him in the nuts, Just well, let's not go too far, Dan He'll be dead.
Speaker 2:You'll die. Kick them the nuts you might. You don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes it feels like it.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, no reaction whatsoever. But she's all like, yeah, we're looking for the fountain of youth, um, and then he does a whole and every myth there is a seed of truth.
Speaker 1:Yeah, listen, truth, yeah, listen. They are very knowledgeable, like incredibly knowledgeable, and I understand that that's the trope, right, like our heroes know everything about it. But I, for whatever reason, I don't believe it in this movie. I don't under, I don't believe that they would know these things. I don't know.
Speaker 2:They're looking for the Fountain of Youth. God hid it. He left a bunch of people behind to protect it. The bigger the prize, the bigger the protection. If you go to the fountain you're going to get health, wealth, beauty. But so these six artists all hid clues and he's got all the paintings except one, and there's six in one, and each of the paintings has a secret letter on it and he just needs the Rembrandt. But the letter wasn't on the Rembrandt, so he can't solve the cipher. But she's like oh you're dumb, because that was a duplicate that Rembrandt made and the real Rembrandt is somewhere different.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's somewhere different and she's all like but she's like I don't really want to help you because I'm afraid to lose your son. And then we get one of my favorite lines in the movie Wealthy guy Owen says oh, I have a whole army of highfalutin lawyers. This is a line you can give a guy where you can establish his character.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm incredibly wealthy. I have lawyers in every city, in every world. Make him something.
Speaker 1:Highfalutin lawyers, which almost for a second made me think to myself well, he's not rich because he would. That's not what he would say in that moment. This is like this is what someone who's pretending to be rich would say. So I thought the twist was going to be something like he stole a bunch of money and is doing this to steal. So I I didn't know, but I was like he's not rich, but I guess he is so they have to go to this library to look up.
Speaker 2:Why do they have to go to library? Is this for the? The devil's book? Wait I don't know tan I I don't know.
Speaker 1:Oh no, I don't know Tan.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't know, for whatever reason. No, they know, it's on the Lusitania, I guess. But he goes to a library for some reason and then, boom, the lady from the train is there Esme, I think her name was and he tries to kiss her.
Speaker 1:Which is so awkward.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's what it is. Yeah, okay, so they just set up this. All the scenes with her feel like they were filmed at different times. You know like, yeah, they don't make any sense. Because this one doesn't make any sense. It's like, okay, we got to bring her in to do something.
Speaker 1:She doesn't go to do anything.
Speaker 2:Nothing. Yeah, nothing changes because of this, but they sort of they sort of banter and he tries to kiss her and she's like we will stop. She says we will stop all of you and I was like, oh shit, that means that her people are going to hurt someone. You know Deb or Murph has to, has to die Really has to die.
Speaker 1:Or at least be in real jeopardy. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:They have to take someone of them out.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then the scene just ends. I don't even.
Speaker 1:I don't, dan, I don't know. I didn't write anything down about this because this movie is terrible, but this, just real, quickly, he's very rapey, right, because he like she's like having a conversation and also he's just like, well, should we kiss? And he just leans in and just waits for and it's just like. This isn't charming or funny, it's just weird. Everything they do together is weird. I don't know, I don't like it.
Speaker 1:There's a I spent a lot of time thinking about James Rode or Rodriguez. Now I believe he goes by. I apologize.
Speaker 1:He's the guy from Psych who plays this type of character in that show.
Speaker 1:He's the smartest guy in the room always, but he's also like self-deprecating and funny and clever and charming. And there's this scene with him and his eventual love interest where she is fighting the attraction because they work together professionally and he doesn't really care because he's you know, he's a boy and he just wants to make out with the girl he likes. And there's this really great scene where he leans into kisser and she doesn't lean back. And there's this really great scene where he leans into kisser and she doesn't lean back and he stops where, like, their noses are touching and he continues to have the conversation as if, like this is like a normal thing and it's just like why are you so close to me? It's like um and it was. It's just like a really nice moment and it's the same idea, but not creepy. And there's just, there's a way to do these things that is not weird and creepy, that makes your main character just look like this weird horned dog, like I don't even I don't know, I just I hate everything they've done.
Speaker 2:You have her give a signal. Or he can misconstrue a signal. Absolutely, that happens all the time. She can say something and then he'd be like oh so you want to kiss. And then she's like no, is there something?
Speaker 1:definitely not. What are you talking about? And that's the thing she doesn't really even call him out on it does she doesn't do anything and he doesn't have that moment of self-reflection where he's like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm an idiot and like make a joke about it or whatever. They just just don't. It's just weird, it's just like, well, at this point this character would probably want to kiss you, so just do that and we'll just go to the next scene. It's just, it's all weird. None of it makes sense.
Speaker 2:Everything's done in half measures. It's almost like they filmed one person in one scene and the other person in the other scene and they kind of like that Flight Path movie. The call is coming in, nobody's talking to each other.
Speaker 1:Nobody's talking to anybody.
Speaker 2:He goes to see her kid play. The kid's playing, oh God he does a bunch of cheering. When the kid finishes, the kid runs up to him, the kid idolizes him. I like this.
Speaker 1:I kind of like this scene, because you really were like he almost like a hundred percent if this guy was what they say he is. But he's not. You know what I mean?
Speaker 2:well, you, make him idolize the real thing. And then the kid has to find out. And then then you have this huge emotional moment at the end where the kid is like oh wait, you're not like this, never.
Speaker 1:You're not this like charming guy that is out for adventure. You're selfish.
Speaker 2:He has to have that realization you could have built this whole movie around the kid's dreams being broken by this guy.
Speaker 1:Yes, and then he has to redeem himself in the eyes of the kid at the end. Great, that makes sense this movie doesn't make any sense at the end. I can't wait to talk about it, cause I need you to explain to me. So, this is my least favorite part of the movie, Dan this is your least favorite part of the movie Let me.
Speaker 1:Just let me explain why, real quickly, because I think it's an almost scene. It's the closest they get to a real scene in a real movie of this genre. Right, because I agree with you, everything is done semi-correctly, other than the fact that he's not the right character. But he stands up and he's cheering and he does the oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi chant. Right, yeah, he needs to say oi, oi, oi, oi, and then another dad sitting with a mom has to go oi, oi, oi and then get in trouble with the mom.
Speaker 2:There has to be this call and response.
Speaker 1:He can't just do the oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi time. Make that a joke. It's a very easy joke to make and it would. It would happen. That would be me if somebody did. Oh. I'm gonna say oh, for no reason other than I'm an idiot. I don't know, I was just so, I was just like. You can't even get like your one in your one good scene of the movie.
Speaker 2:You can't get it right but when he has that little straw hat on he is charming.
Speaker 1:No, he's handsome. He's handsome, he looks the part and that's the whole thing, right? Like I do think he looks the part, I just don't think he has the playfulness in him to pull off this type of charm.
Speaker 2:Well, you'd have to be there and someone would have to direct it. Sure, yeah, yeah, they decided not to do either of those things. Well, you'd have to, it'd have to be there and someone would have to direct it.
Speaker 1:Sure, they chose not to have it be there. Sure, yeah, yeah, they decided not to do either of those things.
Speaker 2:So here we go. What has happened is in one hour. What they've done is they've set up a boat and they've the Lusitania, which is like the titanic. It's on the bottom of the ocean. They've cut a whole section out. They've got inflatables to bring it to the surface. Yeah, and I don't know if it's them, if it's the rich guy doing that or if it's someone else doing it.
Speaker 1:It has to be the rich guy, because we don't know anybody else, we don't know or see anyone else, so it has to be the rich guy. I have no idea. This blew my mind. I was very impressed with this rich guy so they've set this up.
Speaker 2:They're like, oh well, there's a storm coming, so we could do it now, or we could do it after the storm, and it's like that 24 hours would kill us all right, like I guess it's too long for my cancer.
Speaker 1:Not to be rude about cancer, but you could wait through the storm, but also then the storm doesn't really do anything. So what's the point of bringing up the storm?
Speaker 2:We've raised the Lusitania. They take a boat over, they go through the doors. They talked about the weird Ecuador mess some more. They said Ecuador doors. They talked about the weird Ecuador mass some more. They said Ecuador didn't they, they did say Ecuador.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that sounds about right, but in the memories.
Speaker 2:It's like sand.
Speaker 1:I mean not to say that they're I've never been to Ecuador, I can't comment.
Speaker 2:I have been to Ecuador. Wow, I'm sure there might be a desert there, but it's mostly jungle. But the thing they show is sand.
Speaker 1:But I mean also Maybe it's quicksand that's in the jungle.
Speaker 2:Tony, you have one thing to do Look up where the beginning of Indiana Jones occurs.
Speaker 1:Copy Temple of Doom. Are we talking?
Speaker 2:No, the good one. The Raiders of the Lost Ark Got it. The only one worth watching. I mean you can watch the Sean Connery one once. I've only ever seen it once.
Speaker 1:Oh, I've watched it a bunch.
Speaker 2:I know you have, but it was fine for once, especially when he does the umbrella with the birds and kills the planes with the birds? Yes, you see that scene and you're like where the fuck were that scene? Yeah, yeah, Bonus. So now I'm going to look stupid and I don't want to look stupid, but Raiders of the Lost Ark takes place.
Speaker 1:the beginning takes place in the South American jungle, but South America has, like, a bunch of countries in it it does. Is Ecuador one of them? It?
Speaker 2:is one of them.
Speaker 1:Okay, so maybe it's the same.
Speaker 2:All right, same mask. Okay, so that's their.
Speaker 1:So are they saying that Indiana Jones is their father. Is that where we're going?
Speaker 2:no, but indiana jones didn't pick up that mask he skipped, that's true, he walked right by it. He's like, yeah, fuck that shit that's true, you're right, you're right.
Speaker 1:So it's just like a few years later somebody else stumbled upon the same thing got it.
Speaker 2:What you need to do now, tony, is oh god, there's a lot of homework the, the name of the tribe, which I think was the hooties h-o-u. T-i-s.
Speaker 1:And the blowfish.
Speaker 2:No, that's Hootie H-O-O-T-I-E. Hootie, hoothies. Maybe it's the Hoothies. Look up what the name of that tribe is at the beginning and then see where that tribe is distributed. Okay, back to the movie. So we find out the guys on the boat. They get a radar signal.
Speaker 1:Hovitos, hovitos, that's what it is. Okay, let's see if that's real. The Jovitos themselves are fictional. They are depicted as descendants of the real Chachapoyan people in Peru.
Speaker 2:Peru and Ecuador, right next to each other, so okay, okay, I'm feeling like it's a yes Dan. We may be the only ones that have cracked this stupid code.
Speaker 1:I mean basically, we're in our own adventure movie. Right now. We're solving clues better than this movie.
Speaker 2:Better than this stupid movie. So boom, here we go. They get a radar contact. There's a helicopter coming in. Great, of course, their comms no longer work.
Speaker 1:So this is my favorite part of the movie. Yeah, I feel bad because I don't know his real name, so I'm just going to keep calling him Mother's Milk. What's his name in the movie? Murph, murph. Murph turns to Deb and company. No-transcript reach him on the radio. Are you coming in on the radio? What is happening, dan? Why is he explaining and doing?
Speaker 2:You got to get to that. Two hours and seven minutes, that's where the real money comes.
Speaker 1:We got to get that extra 30 seconds where we can everybody.
Speaker 2:They're wandering around. She's navigating from a thing to navigate. They're trying to find the purser's office or something, and she's all like it's right through this door. She's like it's right through this door. Now it's a big double doors. On the other side of them there is light, right, yeah, which means it's going to take them back out on the deck and she thinks that's the office. And he looks up and he sees a sign that says this is the office we're looking for.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:What the?
Speaker 1:fuck.
Speaker 2:What the fuck.
Speaker 1:Dan, she's a woman. She can't read a map.
Speaker 2:This is a character trait we have never seen in her.
Speaker 1:We don't need to see in her nope I don't understand this one. This one baffled me it's just like why have we written this one, just the one I mean?
Speaker 2:of of many. You're just like. I don't understand why I don't understand.
Speaker 1:at the beginning of this scene where she pulls out the map or whatever and she's like follow me, can you get the door for me, please, please and go first. It was a weird exchange, because she says follow me and then sends him in first. It didn't make any sense whatsoever, so dumb I love it.
Speaker 2:They get in there. They drink some booze. Here comes the heli. They drink some booze. They comes the hell. They drink some booze. They got the safes. He, he starts opening the safe. She drinks some out of the windshield cabin. Here's the, here's the. Here comes the helicopter and they're. They're looking at the helicopter and they're like who's that? And the rich guy goes. I don't know. Well, I mean why? Why? Would you know he doesn't I mean, I guess I it's like why this is okay, whatever they what's the point?
Speaker 1:why is that in there? There's no reason to put that in the movie. We all know nobody knows. Again, you don't have to say who is that and then have someone say I don't know. You can just say who is that. He can say no, you don't have to say who is that, and then have someone say I don't know. You can just say who is that.
Speaker 2:Like we know, you don't know. He can look up and say that's not one of mine, to which Murph says oh man, we got to get them on the radio.
Speaker 1:They repel and he says hey guys, I'm trying to get you on the radio, so stupid.
Speaker 2:They repel three people down who start searching this thing for them. They get the safe open, they find the box, they pry open the box and wait. Did we miss my favorite line? Okay, wait. We missed my favorite line, my favorite line in the whole movie. This is what Charlotte says to Luke Don't take anything that isn't yours. We're not thieves.
Speaker 1:We're not thieves, but make sure you grab the thing we're here to steal. You know what I mean. Those are the two. We're only here to steal one thing.
Speaker 2:What is happening, and so he opens the box.
Speaker 1:If you're only there to steal one thing, you're not a thief. Okay, because you have a target and you're going to take. Just If you take only there to steal one thing, you're not a thief. Okay, because you have a target and you're going to take. Just if you take a bunch of things, then you're a thief.
Speaker 2:In the box underneath the painting, which is wrapped up in like oilcloths. So it's safe. It's a waterproof safe.
Speaker 1:Waterproof safe.
Speaker 2:We know how well that would work over time. All those rubber gaskets will last forever, yeah that's why they made them that way right. Yeah, that's why they made them that way. Rubber never degrades. No, no, no. I got this pad of paper in the mail Decorative paper to use for a project I love it which I'm probably never going to use, but whatever, and it had like a clear sticker that sealed it, you know, so it wouldn't go flopping around. Peel that sticker off of there.
Speaker 1:Fucking gunky shit everywhere, everywhere and clean it all off and do all this work to get, but it's like.
Speaker 2:This is something that's made in the past five years.
Speaker 1:It's pretty recent. It's obviously not right now, but it's pretty recent. It's not at the bottom of the ocean okay.
Speaker 2:So he pulls the painting out of the box and is almost ready to open it up in the dripping thing.
Speaker 1:Yep Doesn't care at all.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but there are jewels in there too and she wants to seal them and she, like, slaps his hand away. Yeah, slaps his hand away. They're stealing from this box. But she doesn't want him In this one scene Stealing those things Like you can't steal more than one thing.
Speaker 1:See, if you steal one thing, it makes you a collector, dan. If you steal multiple things, you're a thief. Everybody knows the distinction. No, it's super weird. It doesn't make any sense. They're literally there to steal something and she keeps talking about not stealing. It's super weird. It doesn't make any sense. They're literally there to steal something and she keeps talking about not stealing things. It's very weird.
Speaker 2:The airbags start failing, we start having the avatar boat, the bad guys start shooting machine guns.
Speaker 1:Everybody fights Everywhere they are spraying machine gun. Fire Everywhere.
Speaker 2:Um, okay, tony. Actually, this, this whole sequence, is my least favorite thing in this entire movie I, yeah, I can buy that there's a weird.
Speaker 1:I need you to explain it to me it's the only slow-mo with words. In the whole movie there are random slow-mos which I think are terrible.
Speaker 2:There are.
Speaker 1:Okay, I didn't know that there's a couple, but they're all just during action scenes, which kind of makes sense because people do that. But this time slows down and he talks in slow motion, for no reason.
Speaker 2:It's not giving any important information For no reason.
Speaker 1:I thought maybe the wine was doing something weird, or whatever the booze they drank was doing something weird, but then it goes back to normal and there's no side effects. I don't understand what's happening. This doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I don't know. I need you to figure it out, dan, because it's the most annoying thing, because it just keeps nagging at me. Why would this happen in the movie? It doesn't happen at any other time in the movie.
Speaker 2:I think it's something that happened in post and they just didn't fix it. You think it was on accident.
Speaker 1:The editor actually hits the jog wheel and turns down the speed on accident, and then they just leave it in the final cut. That makes perfect sense.
Speaker 1:The lady gets her and then she escapes, or something I don't know well so what happens is she's like, hey, I'm gonna, I'm gonna put a gun to your sister's head. And he's like, no, you're not. Even though you guys all just tried to shoot us hundreds of times with machine guns, you're not really going to do that. You're not going to put a gun to her head. Even though you just shot at her a bunch of times, you're not going to put a gun to her head. It doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 2:Somehow she gets free. And then the boat, because he called her bluff and yeah, the boat like. I don't understand. She's the protector, right? Can't she just kill them?
Speaker 1:Yes, I thought that's what they were there for. They had machine guns, stan Machine guns, and they're shooting them.
Speaker 2:Couldn't they just machine gun to all the buoys, and it would just sink back into the thing.
Speaker 1:Well, isn't that kind of what happened, but just on accident? They don't say that.
Speaker 2:Oh sure, the things start popping before because it can't hold the weight.
Speaker 1:Don't know why you do the mission Because of the three extra people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so basically our people escape. The three people that rappelled down are sensibly all dead.
Speaker 1:Yeah, probably drowned. Yeah, for sure they didn't have anywhere to go because that chopper had to go back to the mainland, because it was shot in the tank or something.
Speaker 2:So those jewels that they didn't want to steal, that she wouldn't let him steal what happened to them, Tony? They're floating in the ocean now because the container is open, so they probably came out, it was in a sealed room.
Speaker 1:But they came out of it. You're right, I'm sure you're right. It's probably just in the room. Then they came out of it. You're right, I'm sure you're right. It's probably just in the room then.
Speaker 2:What's going to happen when that big hunk of the Lusitania falls down through the ocean?
Speaker 1:I don't know what's going to happen. It's going to kill a fish.
Speaker 2:It's going to land on all the other parts of the Lusitania and fuck that site all up. They have come and just destroyed, because that's true, have come and just destroyed because that's what they do.
Speaker 1:They destroy everything they touch. They don't care. That's the whole. That's my whole point. They don't care about any of these priceless artifacts.
Speaker 2:They're terrible people okay, they go back. Um. It turns out that the real rich guy has hired her ex-husband to go to Japan, so she gets to have the kid.
Speaker 1:Super weird. Why would he accept that job? Because he wants a job, Sure, but I assume he has a job of some sort right and now this is just a better job, better job. No one in.
Speaker 2:America has ever not taken a better job.
Speaker 1:Well, I guess you're right about that, but he was just arguing over custody of the son, right?
Speaker 2:he didn't really want him. He just wanted to argue because he's probably a lawyer, you mean because he's a dog.
Speaker 1:He's a dog like tendencies. This character doesn't make any sense. It just does what they needed to do at the time they needed to be done. That's it, so we've got all the numbers.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, this is when she said what's with that lady, you know yeah, there's like attention she says you mean that? That weird, the one with the weird dysfunctional chemistry?
Speaker 1:weird dysfunctional chemistry they didn't have any chemistry in that scene, did they? Didn't have any chemistry at all, let alone dysfunctional chemistry. They didn't have any chemistry in that scene, did they? They didn't have any chemistry at all, let alone dysfunctional chemistry. I would love for them to have some dysfunctional chemistry, because that would be a nice push and pull right. But they don't.
Speaker 2:We do an anagram, we do a code, we do constellations, we substitute V for W because these super smart people. Well, in Latin V and W. Sure, that's what they said. I don't know. Anybody that has the most minor classical education will know that. I know that I'm not an idiot.
Speaker 1:Listen, I have a class of what did you say?
Speaker 2:Classical, you do not have a classical no, you don't.
Speaker 1:Education from Supernatural. They speak Latin in that show all the time they speak latin.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we in in our high school, you know you have to take like a language and we all us nerds took latin.
Speaker 1:We could take latin in our school I don't believe latin was still an option when I went to school. I think it was just the three big ones french, german and spanish.
Speaker 2:It was very specialized and I don't. I don't know how we had it in our school. It was the greatest thing ever, but you had to go up like the secret back stairs and on one side was the typing room and then the other side was like it was. I don't know if it was a broom closet or whatever, but it did not feel like a real classroom.
Speaker 1:It was just like Can we also talk about the typing room, dan? I mean, that's classic, that is great.
Speaker 2:I will always say this Taking typing in high school most important class I ever took.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure 100%. Did you take that as well?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I wish I had, it would have been great. But yeah, typing most important class. I hated it. I don't know why I took it. I think you had, like this one little slot that you had to fill and there was something even more terrible.
Speaker 1:Even worse. I guess I'm going to take typing.
Speaker 2:And it was painful to do it because you had to take it with, like normal people, everyone in the typing class was normal and I'm like Mr.
Speaker 1:Dan Goodsell.
Speaker 2:Mr Higher education shit. I was always taking AP classes.
Speaker 1:Oh boy, not with the normies. I was in with the hoi polloi.
Speaker 2:Okay, so they figure out that the the six masterpieces, whatever. They figure it out that they got to go with this, this wicked Bible, We'll never get it.
Speaker 1:Something about a king and then a Bible.
Speaker 2:It's gonna be a four hour episode.
Speaker 1:I know it's gonna be good.
Speaker 2:It's gonna be good so they gotta go get the wicked Bible where it says instead of thou shalt not commit adultery, thou shalt commit as much adultery as possible as you want.
Speaker 1:Hey, oh, king.
Speaker 2:James, he's like animals are available do you think this is real?
Speaker 1:I don't know. I don't know either but it's pretty cool.
Speaker 2:I wish I had one of those.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that would be a cool Bible to have.
Speaker 2:I wish I had one of those, because I'd sell it.
Speaker 1:Well, that's true, Mr Collector.
Speaker 2:Okay, in comes Interpool, oh, you got all the stuff. And then in comes kasam. He's like you got all the stuff and he's great.
Speaker 1:He elevates this scene so much. He comes in and he's like you think I'm dumb? I'm not dumb and I don't. This guy is playing it right. He is the perfect character in one of these films and nobody around him is giving him anything and I just feel I hope he gets a bunch of work after this. I don't know anything about this guy. I hope he works a bunch. He's great, he's wonderful.
Speaker 2:There it is uh, put that on your cv. Um yeah, luke is like let the four of them go and then I'll tell you where the caravaggio is. And he lets the four of them go, and then he gets everyone to start killing each other and yeah, he just turns up music.
Speaker 1:He turns up up music really loud, you know, as a diversion, I guess.
Speaker 2:Well, just to you know, make everyone start shooting, sure yeah. The Interpol wins, but they escape on a boat. He has a dream about a glowing glass. Now they're on a private plane.
Speaker 1:It's not a dream. It's like a premonition. Can we talk about that yet, or should we wait till the end? We're going to wait till the end. All right, you got it.
Speaker 2:They get on this. This is another point at which I was just like. This is not right. They're on the rich guy's private plane, which is just this, set in Burbank, where everybody just sits there. It doesn't move, they don't put it even like a little bit of a hum, they don't you know they don't no shake.
Speaker 1:There's no, there's nothing Like you have to add something, otherwise you're not on a plane. We've all been on planes. It's not nothing, right?
Speaker 2:Like you feel like you're in a plane and it sounds like you're in a plane.
Speaker 1:I hate, yeah, I hate. I have to do sound canceling headphones or I just like lose my mind.
Speaker 2:Do you? You don't like that noise.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know what it is, but maybe it's a frequency thing. I honestly don't know, but like it drives me bananas.
Speaker 2:One thing I like about air travel is taking off, because I always fall asleep and it's, oh it's the greatest sleep ever Taking off sleep.
Speaker 1:Wait, hold on. When do you fall asleep? Fall asleep, wait, hold on. When do you fall asleep? Like during the takeoff, like when the g's are pulling you back.
Speaker 2:That's what you like, it's just so nice. You're like at this perfect angle and yeah, you got the cheese, and you're just like, oh, this is so you like a little pressure on your chest, like a comfort blanket for you it probably is. It's probably like the weighted blanket, because I love it. Yeah, that's what I meant I always fall asleep when you take off for like about 10 minutes and then I wake up and I'm like, oh, that was, and it's really nice sleep. You're just like, oh, this is.
Speaker 1:For 10 minutes. Wow, a little cat nap for Dan. I love it. That's beautiful.
Speaker 2:Charlotte's boozing. Our family name needs to have relevance, To which I wrote huh.
Speaker 1:Why needs to have relevance to which I wrote. Why?
Speaker 2:who, what, where, when and why I don't understand. They go to austria. They go to the austrian national library. They pull up right in front. They're welcomed by people. The billionaire and the kid go for lunch. He's a musical prodigy, so you're rich. Do you own a? I own a hold on a second. Yeah, he says I own two boats and planes. And then he's like you saw my. No, you saw my. I have two planes. You saw my one plane and we're going to see the bigger plane later. Well, we're not. We never see the bigger plane. We aren't.
Speaker 1:The kid was going to see it. We're not going to see it, don't worry, dan.
Speaker 2:But isn't that a setup for the movie that we're going?
Speaker 1:to see a bigger plane later. Yeah, because he's like. You know, you've seen my plane, but I have a plane. Yeah, but we don't get to see it. You don't need to see it, you can imagine it.
Speaker 2:And then the kid says are you satisfied? And he says, of course not. Yeah, this is the point at which we have to realize he's the bad guy. Yeah, for sure we have to and we do not.
Speaker 1:He plays this guy as cool, charming, gets along with kids, super normal, which is frustrating on two levels for me, because on one level it's frustrating because this scene right here is like the level of charm that's missing from the movie. Yeah, these two characters have it together, but only together. As soon as either of them interact with anyone else, they're back to shit. So I'm very confused on why this scene works. But also, he shouldn't be this in this scene. So it's like double frustrating for me.
Speaker 2:It's very bad. They go through the secret door, the secret door.
Speaker 1:In the library. Everybody loves the secret bookcase door, by the way, it's the best.
Speaker 2:Esme and the bad guys show up and they take over all the. They block all the exits. They block all the exits and then they're doing the thing to the Bible, scanning it and whatever they have to do, they have.
Speaker 1:X amount of time. Yeah, you don't need to know what they're doing.
Speaker 2:So, for an unknowable reason, they're in the secret room.
Speaker 1:That no one, none, of the bad guys know about.
Speaker 2:And so what does Luke do, Tony? He goes outside. Why does he go outside?
Speaker 1:He feels stifled in the room. He wants to go check out the other rooms.
Speaker 2:I don't know. There's no reason for him to go outside.
Speaker 1:No, there's literally no reason. He's like you know what? I'm going to step outside the secret room and go back to the main lobby of the library here just to see what's going on and get in a fight?
Speaker 2:yeah, and what consequences does the fight have?
Speaker 1:well, they stab a book. That's not good nobody cares. There's probably a like a 300 year old book and nobody cares that. They just destroyed it. Um, and then he hangs the girl upside down.
Speaker 2:You know there's a great movie which I can't think of the name of Sean Connery, and this kid that's a writer and Sean Connery's like a reclusive writer who's been in his apartment forever and you know that's gentrified. So this kid's a lower class kid. And then he starts teaching the kid how to write you know, or teaching him you know, helping him with his writing.
Speaker 2:The kid's a good writer already, but at one point they do a whole thing about soup and all this stuff and about information and how there's information that you want and then there's information that you need, or something like that. I don't even remember what it is.
Speaker 1:Well, this is Finding Forrester. Finding Forrester, great movie.
Speaker 2:Incredible movie 10 out of 10 movie. But the point being is a movie, every scene in a movie, has to propel the thing forward with information that has to be gathered.
Speaker 1:Otherwise you cut that scene out. There's no reason for that scene to be in your movie. If it doesn't move it forward. You're stagnant. You get rid of it, Cut it.
Speaker 2:The scene has. No, it's no, there's no reason. It just adds time. Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't move their relationship forward, but it should. It shouldn't, it could sure.
Speaker 1:It should move Krasinski and Esme Luke and Esme's relationship forward. This fight should have be full of sexual tension and somebody should care about the books and we should learn a little bit about someone's character. And then, even when they win, they're kind of like ah sorry, I, you know I had to do it, I got to go Love you, see you later. You know like there has to be a building. Their relationship should at least move. It's not going to move the plot forward, right, and that's okay. Not every scene needs to move the plot forward, but it does need to move your characters forward. And if the end of this movie she kisses him on the cheek because they have some sort of relationship that needs to build somewhere and it's not building sort of relationship that needs to build somewhere and it's not building, nope, very frustrating.
Speaker 2:Um, they go through the floor and walk out through the sewer.
Speaker 1:No, they blow up the floor. They put an explosive device in this really old, beautiful Austrian library building. Nobody gives a shit. They set off an explosion and go through the floor. That's ridiculous. Are we in trouble? Shannon's here.
Speaker 2:Are we in trouble? Hi Shannon, for what I don't know, you chased the dog in here. No, she wanted to come in, oh you wanted to come in. Oh hey, aw, she missed you Dan.
Speaker 1:I mean she was here the whole time.
Speaker 2:Then she just left like one minute ago. There goes Shannon. Bye, tony. She was like I told her we were starting at 9 and she was all like you should start at 9.30 and let Tony sleep in. And I was like no.
Speaker 1:No, not today. She's like yeah, no, it's all right, I was up in here.
Speaker 2:She's like you're mean to him and I'm like yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, she's right about one thing, dan. Yeah, you're mean to me, that's true.
Speaker 2:Poor Tony. Somehow the bad guys know that the rich guy and the kid are having lunch in this place, so they send a thing over there. And what does he do to those guys?
Speaker 1:Just kicks the crap out of them, just not even like he beats the shit out of them. He's more efficient as a killer than anyone else in the movie and we only get to see it in this one scene and I was like what? What just happened? Why did he kick the crap out?
Speaker 1:of everybody he doesn't even break a sweat and he viciously beats these guys up. It's not oh, I'd won the fight and we can escape. He like knocks them out. They are on the floor in pain and he's just like all right, cool, let's head out. It's a weird scene.
Speaker 2:He says to the kid don't tell them that I did all this.
Speaker 1:Right, which doesn't really matter, because this isn't why you're a bad guy, like at the end of the movie. Movie you don't become some sort of kung fu master and kill everybody like it doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 2:this doesn't lead to anywhere it could be if you had a movie, then they get back there and the kid rats him out instantly. Why does the kid rat him out instantly?
Speaker 1:because he's a kid man no, but I mean why?
Speaker 2:why is it a movie?
Speaker 1:kids are stupid kids are stupid, doesn't mean anything. Nothing means anything. Uh, and they don't even care like that, because that's the point, right, like if somebody cared when he said it, then it would mean something. But he's like oh, and he kicked the crap out of two people. And everyone's like, oh, okay, cool.
Speaker 2:They scan the gilding and they find out that there's seven things in there and the kid just goes. We just see, instantly he goes. We know it's music because he's a prodigy. So we're like all right, he figures it out, charlotte's getting pissed off and then he explains to her how happy she has been for the last two days. How happy she has been Did you two days? How happy she has been?
Speaker 1:did you see that she was never happy? Is that the movie you've watched, dan? Because I have not seen her smile.
Speaker 2:Oh, one time she literally has never been happy in this movie. She is absolutely miserable.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there needs. I am okay if she like wants to be miserable but has fun in spite of herself. You know what I mean? That's, what we need to see is that she is enjoying the adventure even though she doesn't want to. But we don't see that at all. We just see someone who's like I hate being here. I don't want to be on set. I can't believe I'm doing this movie. I hate everything. I don't want to be on set. I can't believe I'm doing this movie. I hate everything. It's not right.
Speaker 2:It's got to be even harder when you have to do press for a movie like this. I tried to watch some of the press, but-.
Speaker 1:Oh God, did you really?
Speaker 2:She leaves and then immediately returns, and then we find out that it's music and we find out that it's called Waters in the Desert. Then we figure out that the seven ancient wonders of the world. Then we find the map of them and then we put the other thing over the map and then we know exactly where to go.
Speaker 1:And while I didn't understand everything that they said at this point, I don't care, just get there, let's just go guys. I'm over this.
Speaker 2:Esme goes to the Vatican, talks to Tucci Tucci's like we're the most powerful people in the world. You tried mercy with them. Who are you?
Speaker 1:They're the protectors. Okay, who are you? What does that mean? Who are the protectors? God?
Speaker 2:God made them.
Speaker 1:So you think that this is like God's army? Yeah, god disobeyed him. So you think that this is like God's army? Yeah, they're not very good except her. They're terrible. They're really bad at their jobs.
Speaker 2:Mostly she just hires people that suck. Maybe it's just her, maybe it's just her and Tuch.
Speaker 1:See, I think she just hires people off the street to come and die for her.
Speaker 2:That makes sense.
Speaker 1:She's like, hey, god wants you to do this. I'm like, okay, and then they're dead.
Speaker 2:How did she get back from the Lusitania?
Speaker 1:She explains it at some point Teleported.
Speaker 2:Satuchi's, like you tried mercy. When did they try mercy? When?
Speaker 1:she didn't kill Natalie Portman.
Speaker 2:But machine guns Okay, whatever.
Speaker 1:But they didn't hit anybody right, they just were the scare tactic.
Speaker 2:And we can't. This has to be hidden Because it's too powerful.
Speaker 1:The key or the fountain at this point. Sure, the fountain.
Speaker 2:It gives her, like this magic key To use in case of Very good.
Speaker 1:So now is that a fail? Safe for the fountain of youth?
Speaker 2:someone built in like a termination yes, because they needed to have it all open for when humanity was ready. For what? For the power to get the power.
Speaker 1:As far as I can tell, you, don't get power no, you get.
Speaker 2:They explained it you get health, wealth, health and wealth. No, you get three things.
Speaker 1:You get health, wealth and beauty but you killed everyone you love, yeah. So who's ever gonna be ready for that? That doesn't. That's not a like. Humans aren't ready to kill everyone. They love to become more powerful. What are you talking about? This guy, I'll do it, dan listen. You're going to be the guy that turns old immediately because all you care about is yourself. All right, that's the problem, right? So, like, the people that are willing to do that are the people that care about themselves Boom, they're dead. The people that are willing to do that are the people that care about themselves Boom, they're dead. The people that aren't willing to kill all their loved ones are the people that it won't work for.
Speaker 2:So what are we trying to accomplish with the fountain? There's like some mix that they explain that I didn't understand where you can pull it off. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe the enlightened person.
Speaker 1:If you put Jesus down there, he'd be like I'm good with things, so then nobody would die and he'd become powerful because he loves. Yes, but that doesn't make any sense because, then he doesn't love anybody. It's not like he loves everybody. That means he loves nobody.
Speaker 2:I don't know man, this fountain doesn't make any sense. That's he? I don't know.
Speaker 1:This fountain doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, it doesn't make any sense so they go, they go to the center of the pyramid. Everybody's battling on the what's his name is brought the rich guys, brought all these bodyguards and then, yeah, okay, so they're, they're at the pyramids of Giza, right? I don't know if they're, they must be in the big pyramid. I've been there, I don't know. Of course I've been there, you know, world traveler.
Speaker 1:Dan's been everywhere. Good golly.
Speaker 2:I tried to go to some of the good places while I still was young enough to get to them. Smart, there is no one there. We already talked about this.
Speaker 1:a little Not a um smart. There is no one there. We already talked about this a little. Not a soul in sight. Yeah, no, but nobody else is there whatsoever. It's the weirdest thing ever, and so it doesn't make any sense eventually the the rich guy, who is the bad guy.
Speaker 2:His people are fighting with the protectors and they're fighting with interpol and they're using machine guns, and it's just the dumbest thing in the world, giant turret guns like they're.
Speaker 1:they're not using machine guns and it's just the dumbest thing in the world. Giant turret guns. They're not just machine guns, they're like military grade defense systems.
Speaker 2:I don't understand, but it's only like pointing in one direction.
Speaker 1:If you walked up behind them, correct they would have just drove around the back of the pyramid and come up. That way they're fine.
Speaker 2:Nobody's there. This is so weird and I mean, you know, the pyramids are freaking huge that whole Are you sure they don't seem that big?
Speaker 1:I'm just gonna tell you that now that whole complex is just like it's enormous.
Speaker 2:You have to ride camels to get places and it's-. It looks like maybe two blocks and it is right outside of town. It's not like an hour or two away.
Speaker 1:It's like right outside of town. No, there's no town in the distance, dan. It's empty desert for lots of miles. There's only one road in and out, from what I could tell, and the pyramid is like maybe two blocks at best.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, the kid figures it out. And what do you have to do to get into the central tunnel down to the?
Speaker 1:well, I guess, you like play the bongos. Those are called steel drums.
Speaker 2:Steel drums, sorry. And then it, and then it floats.
Speaker 1:This would have been the greatest movie ever if they'd had an octopus.
Speaker 2:do that, I like this because it's about resonance and you know they set up this resonance, you know where it's like Sort of, and it causes this big heavy thing to sort of float.
Speaker 1:And they're able to move it out of the way, but he stops playing the music. I don't know it like. I feel like he stopped playing the music, then she moved it because it was still floating. I was a little confused by it all it was. It was visually and orally interesting I liked it for sure, I agree. I just think the timing was it doesn't matter, but'd felt like the timing was wrong Cause I was like why is it still floating? It should have crashed to the ground by now.
Speaker 2:What's the? Is that that little mermaid? What's the little mermaid song?
Speaker 1:That was the little mermaid. It's close to it.
Speaker 2:Okay, they slide it out of the way. Murph steps in the way. Oh, murph got shot to save Deb. Okay, that's good, they walk through this one hallway where there's all these Paradoxical inscriptions I keep getting. These emails from Barack Obama and they're titled I'd love to meet you.
Speaker 1:Say yes, oh my god say yes.
Speaker 2:He's been watching our videos and I'm turning him on say yes to the dress.
Speaker 1:My friend, go meet barack.
Speaker 2:Good guy, good guy okay, so there's paradoxical inscriptions, and then they find the tree of life at the end. Are they?
Speaker 1:paradoxical. It all sounds mostly just like hey, don't do it, I don't know. That seems to be what they all boil down to. They were just weird.
Speaker 2:It was like I don't know, I couldn't, I couldn't write down the paradoxes.
Speaker 1:It's basically like if you drink, it'll be good and bad, and so you just don't do it.
Speaker 2:I don't know. There's a tree of life carving and then Charlotte's like well, here's a marble. Maybe we'll just put that right in the middle and that'll open it Right down the chute, and then it goes, and then it opens the door, all these dimes come out, like dimes, jeff. Okay, then there's this gigantic room. He pushes, he cranks this little onk button, then it's just.
Speaker 1:It's the same symbol we've seen, but this one. He's like what if I turn this globe this time? As if he would know it's different than the last one.
Speaker 2:I don't know you mean he doesn't have to actually think or figure anything out, he just does a random thing and it works perfectly the first time a button, and then it just goes. Yeah, it looks like a button, but I'll turn it like a knob.
Speaker 1:I'm intelligent, I did it Kudos.
Speaker 2:Out, come all these stairs. They walk down there. I wrote more characters shooting at each other that we don't care about. Okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because they're just shooting outside, just over and over, shooting, shooting, shooting. It's ridiculous.
Speaker 2:There's a beam of light because there's a hole now in the ceiling, yeah, and then there's a little hole. And then what makes the hole sort of open? It just opens, I guess, the hole down to the fountain. Yeah, sure. So they open and then they walk down some more stairs and there's a little bit of water. Tony, what would be the first thing you would do if you had gotten to the fountain of youth at this point, at this point? What is the first thing you would do?
Speaker 1:Drink, I'd drink it. I would drink all of it, would you really? Yeah, because there's only a little bit left. I don't want anyone else to get it.
Speaker 2:So I'd drink it all. No, I'm saying truthfully, what would you actually do?
Speaker 1:I would take out my cell phone, I would take pictures. That would be the first thing I would do. It's weird that nobody ever takes out their cell phone and takes pictures of these very famous things. You know what I mean. Seems like a huge mistake.
Speaker 2:I would go down there and fill a fucking vial full of the water. Sure, have a fucking fountain of youth. That's what you're there Isn't the idea you're gonna put some in a bottle and then take?
Speaker 1:it out and take it to a lab. Isn't that the idea? I would take my phone out, Dan.
Speaker 2:I would turn around and I'd do that weird pointy one.
Speaker 1:I was like, oh, and then I'd take a picture of me in the fountain, yeah, F of Y.
Speaker 2:Hashtag F of Y Well there we have two competing ideas, but both of them make perfect sense to me. Mine is like practical. This is, you know.
Speaker 1:Sure, yours is the reason why we're there why the fuck'm gonna drink it. I mean bad idea I'm gonna make me drink it later, but right once you see, I mean bill's bill, what's his name in this movie? He plays bill in harry potter. He's bill weasley uh but the bad guy oh, we're being too loud, no, we're not. Oh man, we got in trouble. Oh, we got in trouble. We got shushed.
Speaker 2:It's too late in the evening okay, the guy, the guy that plays harry potter in the harry potter. Yeah, so the guy who's in harry potter he's like hey, somebody drink it first.
Speaker 1:That's what you have to do. Yeah, that's the move. Yeah, don't be the guinea pig Like. I'm all fully on board with his plan so far.
Speaker 2:So what happens? Let's see, I wrote something down.
Speaker 1:He's like hey, luke, go drink. And Luke's like, nah, dog, I'm not going to drink. And then he's like well, I'm going to shoot you somewhere, and we're not totally sure where.
Speaker 2:And then he gets shot.
Speaker 1:Around the arm, around the arm chest hole area. He goes down there, he drinks some of it. Well, he doesn't drink it, he almost drinks it, he he's got it cupped in his hands and then he has like a whole lion king moment where he sees himself and then maybe his dad, and then maybe his, his sister and her kid growing old, which is the visions he's been seeing this entire time, which doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, why would he have pre-visions? It doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 1:But he has them, he has a bunch of them. If he was psychic, I'd be like oh, he's psychic, he has some sort of power because he is having premonitions of the fountain of youth and now that's the only reason he doesn't drink. Is he's like, well, maybe these visions have been real the whole time. Maybe God is, he's a prophet, he's?
Speaker 2:a prophet, he's a prophet Luke.
Speaker 1:There you go. That's the ending of Fountain of Youth. He's God's prophet. It's a sandworm blood.
Speaker 2:Okay, it's picked up by the water. And he's having all these dreams and there's lightning, lightning, lightning lightning. Yeah All weird. Lightning lightning, yeah all weird. Uh, he sees his fate, sees his fate. He keeps him, like his face, young ish, I guess well, because that's what he that's.
Speaker 1:The benefits is, he will look younger because he's getting. He's not old beauty.
Speaker 2:That's the whole thing, he's not even close to old.
Speaker 1:Well, but listen, once you pass 25, it's all downhill buddy, okay.
Speaker 2:Truth to that. Uh, he sees people getting old, his arm heals, then he shoots him a bunch and then they all heal they all heal and then he gets free. Now wait a second so he didn't drink it he didn't drink it.
Speaker 1:That's why he survived why did he get?
Speaker 1:the whole, because. So, from here's what I think is the real answer yeah, is that the fountain of youth? If you drink, it is too much and will do bad things, oh, okay, that makes sense. So if you, if you refuse to drink it because you're not consumed by wealth, power, greed, whatever it heals you or does something, but that doesn't make any real sense because, uh, esme, at the end is like very few people could face the fountain and not drink, and that's what. And then he's like, oh, so I'm impressive, which isn't true because it's not impressive, because he's had visions the whole time that have told him that it's going to be bad if he drinks. So that's cheating, in my opinion. Um, but that seems to be the way you're supposed to use it.
Speaker 2:Maybe oh, so you just go in there, you lay in it and then you feel better? I think so, so I wonder if you could regrow a foot you want to try it?
Speaker 1:yeah, let's go I bet you could, because those bullet holes just close up. In fact he doesn't even seem to feel the bullet. You know, like he gets shot in the water and then we cut back and he's got holes all the way through him. So they passed all the way through his body and he doesn't seem to care at all but I think you have to be injured for it to activate I mean that makes sense because, well, because you have to.
Speaker 2:Just then owen walks out blood owen did he drip blood into the water did that happen.
Speaker 1:He cuts his hand. No, no, no. The first time when he got shot.
Speaker 2:Did some of that blood go into the water?
Speaker 1:so the you it shows a shot of blood dripping down his arm, somehow because his shirt has no blood on it, so I don't know where it's coming from, but he does have blood that drips down his arm and goes into the water okay.
Speaker 2:So owen goes down there and he's all like well, that's enough of a test for me. You're like which is what?
Speaker 1:by the way, because I don't know what I just saw, so I'm not getting in that water yet.
Speaker 2:So he cuts himself drips it in, there gets grabbed. It takes about one tenth the time.
Speaker 1:This time it's just like which is good, because last time was way too long. There should have been a medium, a medium length for both.
Speaker 2:So he drinks it and then he just shivers and he turns into dust Just turns old Because he doesn't love anybody.
Speaker 1:So basically the idea is yeah, he just loves himself. If you drink, you're gonna get young and You're stealing the youth of the ones you love.
Speaker 2:It is.
Speaker 1:And if you love yourself, you're just basically taking your own essence and it dies.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So Charlotte and the kid would have just died right while he's thin, and he'd have been young and he'd have been like cool, he would have been young and powerful forever.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the fountain, that's their big take on the fountain of youth.
Speaker 1:It's real dumb.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's the thing. And then she, esme, uses the Stanley Coochie Key, and then it starts and everything starts shutting down. They all run up the stairs and get away.
Speaker 1:So here's my question, dan, why? Because she's actually too late. Both people have already used the fountain. The bad guy killed himself in the fountain.
Speaker 2:They know where it is. Somebody knows where it is.
Speaker 1:I guess that's true. They're still going to know where it is, though it's just buried now. So now they just need more machinery. They run out, I don't know, and then everybody's waiting, and then we do the big she kisses him on the this weird moment where she's like I'm very attracted to you, but if you try to steal more stuff I'll kill you.
Speaker 2:And there's actually a good joke where he's all like oh, there's more stuff, Do you have a?
Speaker 1:list Right, that's a good joke. Yes, it's a good joke, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:She, yeah, yeah, she, yeah. It is a good joke, but it's that's it. It's just one in the whole movie and it's the last line of the movie, little late.
Speaker 1:It's about two hours and one minute late.
Speaker 2:I'll tell you that um, I wrote I was glad because the kid didn't have asthma. What a low bar.
Speaker 1:And then I also said Well, they didn't give the kid some sort of impediment, so kudos to them, and this is the line I would have given the kid at the end.
Speaker 2:Goodbye, uncle Luke. Thanks for not killing me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that would have been good. I would have liked it a lot.
Speaker 2:There you go. That's anything else you want to say about this movie, tony, because we've been.
Speaker 1:I liked it a lot. There you go. Anything else you want to say about this movie, Tony? They set it up for a sequel, so fingers crossed.
Speaker 2:Let's get a sequel. I can't even begin to tell you how happy that would make me be, yeah this movie it clips long. It didn't feel super long to me, but then again the action scenes you just check out because you're just like, yeah, I mean it's not engaging.
Speaker 1:And I read a bunch of articles this week yeah, and it's all you know, it's, it's the second screen viewing nonsense. And they're all like, yeah, you know you, the reason why they say things multiple times is because they expect you to be doing something else or checking your phone, and it's like, even with that. Those aren't even my problems with the movie. My problem with the movie is that nobody's charming. There's no, okay, there's no good character work. The plot is stupid. I'm not having that much fun like the, the one, the. The thing that this movie's missing is any sort of fun. You can still dumb it down and have fun. I just don't.
Speaker 2:I just don't agree that that that's necessary it's like is it that much easier to make a second screen movie than it is to make a?
Speaker 1:it seems like they're purposely working against themselves to make it worse. That's what it feels like it's, it's it's.
Speaker 2:It's a sort of dopey idea where where you're like, well, excuse, my terrible movie, it's a second screen movie, you're really not supposed to be watching it. You're really not supposed to ever want to watch it a second time well, mission accomplished. I will never watch this a second time you know, and there's so many movies that have much less, much lower budget that you're like I'm gonna buy physical media of that, I'm going to watch this every year A million percent.
Speaker 2:If you made an action figure of that, I'm going to buy that action. You know it's like making a movie that's mediocre and then acting like that was your plan. I do not believe that is the plan. I know that they want it to be a minimum of that. Sure, but the plan is not for it to only be that.
Speaker 1:Right, Like that's, that's like the worst case scenario. They're like we won't even make this movie unless it's at least this. And you're like well, sure, I can clear that by nothing. Just ride that line perfectly all the way through.
Speaker 2:Mediocrity at its best, there you know Now we're talking about something we liked. This week I watched the show Department Q. I don't know if I talked about this last time.
Speaker 1:I think you mentioned it, because that sounds familiar. I think I watched one or two Scottish mystery. Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Just you know, you just watch something like that. You know nine episodes. I got a little confused because of the characters a couple of times, but just so much good acting. And there's like this one turn where his life is just miserable and then he just has one tiny positive thing Not tiny, I mean it was an important thing, not tiny, I mean it was an important thing but you were just like one good thing happens to him and you're just like there it is. He's in the groove, he's earned that one good thing happening by slogging through all this shit and that's the thing about this movie is through all this shit, through the shit and that's the thing about this movie is these characters didn't slog through any shit.
Speaker 1:They almost go through nothing. Nobody cares about anything that they do Like there's no consequences to any of their actions. There's nothing.
Speaker 2:Indiana Jones is covered in dust and blood.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, because they get the shit kicked out of themselves Like they're not having a good day. Sure, they win at the end, but it's not easy. It is not easy.
Speaker 2:My favorite, probably my favorite Marvel thing is the Hawkeye series, and there's one point at which he goes back and has to, like you know, he actually teaches the new Hawkeye how to apply bandages to all their cuts and bruises. Oh, interesting, and you're just like this is the reality of it. It's not like we're degraded, Nothing can hurt us. No, it's like you're getting the shit beat out of you and you're going out there the next day because you got to get something done. And that whole show is about. Everybody in that thing wants up. They all desperately want something. He wants to get back to his family. She wants to be Hawkeye. Yelena wants to avenge her sister. These are, these are big characters with big wants you know this movie.
Speaker 2:What, what? Why are you doing this? Well, sir, our family name.
Speaker 1:What are you talking about which doesn't? And they talk about their dad with such reverence that I just don't feel like they have a bad family name.
Speaker 2:And we didn't Right. I don't know who that dad is.
Speaker 1:No, we don't know.
Speaker 2:We don't meet him, we don't understand him, we don't know who he is, what he is, where he stands in the world. No one ever says, oh my God, your dad. They don't ever deal with anything about who this dad might mean.
Speaker 1:Which is interesting because National Treasure. That is also the motivation, because everyone has turned on them in the historical community yeah. Yeah yeah, like they call them quacks, like we see it happen. And I believe there's a point where Nicholas Cage is like I'm glad, I think he said something, like I'm glad I'm not crazy, like everyone thought my dad and my granddad and my great granddad like there's a joke about it, where his whole family lineage has been like laughed at in the community and he's finally vindicated. I'm pretty sure that happens.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is real, these are real things, you know. Yeah, and I think in the third Indiana Jones movie where Sean Connery comes and plays his dad, there's a bunch of stuff about that, because his dad has been searching for whatever oh, the Last Supper goblet, right, the chalice, chalice, chalice. And he's been. You know, he's just like he's become his dad, but he still kinda has problems with how his dad Was his dad.
Speaker 1:Does Yep, yep.
Speaker 2:Wow, it's almost like Boy.
Speaker 1:That's life right there.
Speaker 2:It's there. We have some stuff that a Character has to Fucking chew on yeah.
Speaker 1:No, I'm just doing a thing, not for this movie second screen viewing.
Speaker 2:Everybody don't worry about it tony, what did you like this week?
Speaker 1:I'll give you a hint. Are you ready? You're never gonna get it. You're ready. That is the sound they make when you come back from commercial on Love Island USA. It's back, everybody, the best time of the year. We are four episodes in. Oh boy, I'm having a blast.
Speaker 2:Is Love Island your favorite one in Love Island US?
Speaker 1:So well, I think boy they're all a little bit different.
Speaker 2:It's tough.
Speaker 1:The UK is like the OG Boy. They're all a little bit different. You know it's tough. The UK is like the OG, but sometimes I have a hard time understanding what they're saying, which is like very American of me. I know my problem with the USA one is all the people are so shitty Like we are the worst people in the world, without a doubt.
Speaker 1:It's easiest to find the most horrible people in the world in America, yeah're always so terrible and, like every show has a couple of people. They're like, oh man, this guy's garbage. I can't wait to watch what he goes through. But the usa is always like, where do they find all these shit people? And it just turns out everywhere, like we're just not great people, which makes great television but also makes me sad at the same time. So maybe australia? Maybe that's my favorite of the of the love islands, but uh, because they all seem like pretty genuinely nice people and they're just like good night, mike, let's go surfing. Uh, I like them, you know, but anyhow, it's, it's usa time. Uh, uk starts on the 12th, but we're not going to watch it live, um, because we got to stick with usa I was watching one of the shows.
Speaker 2:I watched and, and they were talking about reality TV and they were talking about how reality TV where the people are good is the really most powerful reality TV. Sure.
Speaker 1:The other stuff gets watched plenty, but you know, but for the wrong, not even the wrong reasons. It is why they make it. But it's trash, but we have fun. It is trash.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so this week Shannon got to pick the movie. Oh shout out to Shannon. I had like four or five movies and I was like which of these should I do? And she's like this is what you're going to do. This is the one she hasn't had a pick since. We did Blue Lagoon, which was pretty classic, Wild, Pretty classic. So this one's you know a little bit in the past. Yeah, okay, okay, but it's one of your favorite actors.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay.
Speaker 2:Tom Cruise.
Speaker 1:TC okay Playing another mythical monster. Playing a mythical monster. Are vampires mythical? Is that what we're doing? Are we doing interview with the vampire? Oh boy. We have to watch kirsten dunst kiss a grown man oh man, it's gonna be weird all right, I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't think I've ever seen this movie, I think I've watched.
Speaker 1:You've never seen this movie, oh boy this was the 90s, probably right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I told you it was the 90s, probably right. I told you it was the 90s. There's a lot of things in the 90s I didn't do.
Speaker 1:I believe I've only seen this in the 90s and I think my takeaway was snooze fest, so I'm excited to see what it looks like as an adult. Yeah, so we're going to see every teen girl's dream, tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, Because the problem is like, I watched Lost Boys as a kid growing up. So then it was like oh, vampire movie and it's not the same kind of vampire movie at all.
Speaker 2:This is not a vampire movie for teen boys whatsoever.
Speaker 1:No, it is not.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 1:I'm excited to see this. As an adult, this will be fun.
Speaker 2:It'll be interesting to sort of go back there and look at it through our weird eyes.
Speaker 1:Great pick Shannon.
Speaker 2:Well done, she knows how to pick them. Shannon, well done, she knows how to pick them, so we'll be back. If you like what you do, give us a comment, a thumbs up, or leave or subscribe. This is gonna be our longest episode ever.
Speaker 1:I mean yeah we had tech difficulties, but we're over two hours for sure this might be a two hour episode this movie deserved it.
Speaker 2:Tony was angry. This movie I was absolutely not the worst movie we've seen, but just wrong-headed wasted potential on all fronts.
Speaker 1:It could have been great. I was excited, for it really missed the mark. See you later. Goodbye, everybody, everybody.