Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching In The Lost Lands: Some Books Should Stay Books
Ever wondered what happens when a $55 million budget collides with an incoherent script? Welcome to our horrified exploration of "In the Lost Lands," quite possibly one of the worst movies ever committed to film.
Based on a George R.R. Martin short story (though you'd never guess it), this fantasy disaster stars Mila Jovovich as Gray Alice—an "illusionist witch" with unexplained face tattoos—and Dave Bautista as Boyce, a mysterious traveler with a cool two-headed snake that disappears from the plot almost immediately. We're told there's only one human city left after some apocalyptic event, yet somehow there's a fully functional train, random barrels of oil, and endless nonsensical plot developments.
The film's world-building crumbles under even the lightest scrutiny. Why are slaves mining rocks? How does the economy work? Why does everyone abandon executions before they're complete? Nothing adds up, and the movie never bothers explaining itself. Meanwhile, characters develop romantic feelings out of nowhere, powers work differently in every scene, and the big twist—that Bautista's character is actually the werewolf they're hunting—is both obvious from the start and poorly executed.
What truly stuns us is how the film wastes its talented cast. Both Bautista and Jovovich have proven themselves capable actors, but here they deliver wooden performances with dialogue so bad that no performer could salvage it. One particularly egregious scene features Bautista's painfully delivered line "What kind of God is this?"—a moment so poorly executed it becomes unintentionally hilarious.
If you enjoy dissecting cinematic disasters or have a high tolerance for absolute nonsense dressed up as fantasy, join us for this brutal breakdown of a film that somehow manages to fail at every fundamental aspect of storytelling. We promise you'll never look at werewolves, illusionists, or two-headed snakes the same way again.
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We can talk about my new water bottle, my gift from my wife.
Speaker 2:Has your name on it. Is that your name has my?
Speaker 1:name on it it's from. It's the same type of bottles that they use on Love Island and they all have their names on them. So now, when we watch our reality television, we drink our Love Island glasses together. Jesus Christ with Dan and Tony. Hey, watch it With Dan and Tony.
Speaker 2:It's like watching you. Welcome to Heat Watching with Dan and Tony. I am Dan Antonio.
Speaker 1:I am Wait, hold on. So I'm Tony Dan Dan.
Speaker 2:Danonio.
Speaker 1:Danonio Datonio. Danonononio Tony Datonio.
Speaker 2:On thisio, tony Detonio On this show. We watch a movie, then we talk about the movie, and this week Tony got to pick one of the worst movies of all time.
Speaker 1:It is easily in the conversation for worst movie of all time, worst acting of all time, worst direction of all time. Worst script of all time. Worst direction of all time. Worst script of all time. It is an all time low.
Speaker 2:What is this movie?
Speaker 1:This is, of course. What was it? Based on a George RR Martin.
Speaker 2:Short story. Yeah, short story.
Speaker 1:That's why they couldn't get a full script made out of it. Probably this is In the Lost Lands, starring Mia Iogovic and Dave Bautista and nobody else.
Speaker 2:There were like five other people.
Speaker 1:six other people in the movie have you ever seen them before in your life, dan, I don't know I should have looked that up. Have you ever seen them before in your life, Dan? I don't know I should have looked that up.
Speaker 2:They really had to work to find, you know like they were like B-level people that felt like they knew they were B-level.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying. I'm just saying I think that is generous. Okay, I think this is the worst acted movie we've seen and we watched that one movie that everybody.
Speaker 2:What is that one movie that everybody? What is that one movie? Uh, battleship, battleship.
Speaker 1:We watched that tommy marceau's not the right movie uh like it's generally regarded as the worst move of all time. Why can't we think of the name of it?
Speaker 2:we didn't watch tommy, we so's the room. We never did that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we did. We totally watched the Room.
Speaker 2:No, we've never done the Room.
Speaker 1:Okay, well then, I watched it all on my own.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I told you a funny story. In one of my early improv classes was a girl that was in the movie what In the Room which one Robin Osborn.
Speaker 1:Robin Osborn. She played like somebody who's maybe judgmental.
Speaker 2:I guess I won't say she's older, but I feel that she wasn't like 21 years old when she was in it. She was an actual adult actress. Adult actress, not an adult actress, but-.
Speaker 1:Yeah, an adult actress All right.
Speaker 2:But she then did a movie called the Room Actors when Are they Now? Which she crowdfunded and made, which had all the people that were in the movie and they were able to make a little money. And I just saw on Facebook today, because we're Facebook friends and she posted this weird thing where somebody in Europe did paintings of her as some anime character. It was really weird. You know like gratifying but really weird. You're just like oh yeah, that's my face pasted onto this character. That's okay.
Speaker 1:Sexy, sexy little anime body I can guarantee.
Speaker 2:Not like she was, like the character was like a nun or something, you know in a big black costume or something. I was like okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what I just said Sexy V sexy.
Speaker 2:Jesus.
Speaker 1:Okay, so we never did the Room, we never did the Room that's great that was a good decision on our part, but I will say, the Room is infinitely more fun than this movie, so much more fun than this movie, so much more fun than this movie, ever, ever. This is Dan. We're watching this movie. Last night and I was like is this a movie? Is this something that someone really made in earnest? And it seems like everyone thinks it is. You know what I mean? Like everyone in the movie seems to think that they're making a movie which they're not.
Speaker 1:No, I just I would love to know. I wouldn't want to be in a movie like this. I would love to know how it feels to be on a set of a movie like this, where you're making something. It's very green, so bad, it's very green, sure, yeah, it's very, so bad. It's very green, sure. Yeah, oh yeah, there's not a single real set in this entire movie. I just do you know? Do you think you know, while you're making it, I've made a lot of bad things. Yeah, and usually I'm like well, we're having fun, you know, like we're having a good time. Who cares what the end product is? No one's gonna see it anyhow but I just feel like maybe they thought it was good and then I feel bad about it.
Speaker 2:Well, it's not. I mean, I think the budget was $55 million, $55 million, yeah. Wow.
Speaker 1:Where I mean I hope.
Speaker 2:Mila got 20.
Speaker 1:And I hope.
Speaker 2:Bautista got 20, and then the animators got 10. And yeah, no, I mean it's a, it's hard to watch.
Speaker 1:It's hard to sit there and sit through a scene.
Speaker 2:You're just like I'm just going to keep. This was one of those ones where I'm just like I am. You know it's like Spaceman. You're like it was boring, but you're like there's things to look at. There's choices.
Speaker 1:There's choices being made all over the place great and I mean it's a well made movie. You know, like the set's nice, visually stunning.
Speaker 2:They're trying the acting's pretty good, like they're trying the acting's pretty good, like they're trying if there's no redeeming qualities like you were saying about, if you're doing spaceman, you're like, yeah, this is, this is gonna be a good movie right.
Speaker 1:Like we, I would easily be able to tell myself like, oh shit, this could be. This could be something like there's, you know, there's themes, there's emotions, people might like it turns out no, but I can understand where you would think that it would be good.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:There could not have been a single moment on this set where someone went like we're making some good shit here. Guys, let's keep going, because this is nice.
Speaker 2:There were a couple of things I liked in the movie.
Speaker 1:Oh God, I can't wait to hear.
Speaker 2:Liked your face tattoos. I knew you would. I mean, I don't like face tattoos, I don't find them attractive, but I was just like, okay, they didn't look intentioned, right, they didn't look like somebody, just sort of well, we're going to give her some face tattoos, okay, they felt like face tattoos that someone would have, and then you know which, of course, then makes you angry, because then you don't even, they don't even mean anything.
Speaker 1:Right. Like we don't know what they are, we don't know why they are Nobody mentioned, like they're nothing, they're just there. Because someone was like this could be cool, this could be all right.
Speaker 2:In the Furiosa movie there's like the old dude whose body is covered in tattoos and he's kind of like a human book. He's like he has some sort of name and he's like I'll do it and he'll say things on the microphone and you're like, wow, okay, this is form meets function. It adds something to the movie Her tattoos and she had tattoos all over her arms too, which you kind of sort of saw a little bit. And conversely.
Speaker 1:Batista also has tattoos all over him. His tattoos, yeah, and they meant nothing and sort of just looked like marker.
Speaker 2:Well, no, most of them were his actual tattoos, I think. But there was one on his that seemed to change. It seemed to say mom, at some point. That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:I felt like it was just him in the mirror, just drawing something each day and being like let's see if anybody notices. I don't think they will.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know man, I don't know, yeah, I don't know, man, I don't know, yeah. And there's the big twist, reveal at the end, which, of course, I didn't figure out, but you know, you're like well, do you know why you didn't figure it out?
Speaker 1:why? Because it's dumb. It's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. What are you talking about? Oh god, we won't spoil it quite yet because you know we want to spoil it later. Yeah, we want all of you to make it to the end of the podcast.
Speaker 2:Only two hours to go um hour and 41 minutes 2025 um. Paul tom wait, paul s anderson, paul thomas anderson w s anderson paul w s anderson, mila jovovich's husband did the Resident Evil movies which Forgot about that Used to be. They were fun. I enjoyed all of those movies.
Speaker 1:They still are fun. I mean, first of all, they're not still making them, I don't think. But there are still things being made in that universe, so that's how you know they didn't totally suck.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and they never made sense, they never added up to a real universe. But you were just like Raccoon City we're walking around, we're shooting stuff, okay, you know, whatever Cool.
Speaker 1:And I'm not saying like Oscar worthy stunts in those movies, right, but the action scenes were fun. They were sometimes interesting, you know, and there's cool things to look at. The action scenes in this movie are horrible. Let me just now that we're too far into this for me to say this, but I just want to like. Usually I feel like we try to be positive, you know, like we make fun of things, yeah, but we also talk about the things we like and we love movies and it's all out of love, right. I hate this movie. This movie's really bad. I have no positive things to say about this movie and I I feel a little guilty about it, but today's gonna be a dark day everybody uh, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2:There's one other thing I like to this movie I'm gonna tell you are you gonna save you going to tell us right now when we get to it and you're going to be like oh, I did like that. I'm going to get you to say, at least once I did like that. I'm going to get you to say I did like that.
Speaker 1:We shall see, dan, I promise you. Challenge extended and accepted.
Speaker 2:We start with Dave Bautista, giving his name is Boyce Boyce, boyce, that's fun. Her name is Gray Alice, which is pretty funny, since her Resident Evil character's name is.
Speaker 1:Alice, Alice, just regular Alice. That's the difference, though, Like this one's gray and that one's normal.
Speaker 2:And that was from the story, so he didn't do that intention, do you think?
Speaker 1:that, that's. Paul read that one time and he was like we should make this movie.
Speaker 2:It's the same name I guess the the way that this sort of happened was there was somebody optioned three stories from george rr martin, you know, like in 2010 or something crazy Back when George meant something. Yeah, and then they were going to make those three movies, three stories, into a movie. Can you imagine if you had even more Just?
Speaker 1:throwing three different stories into one movie. I love it. That's a million dollar idea.
Speaker 2:Because it seems like the story and this movie are sort of similar. You know it's about the werewolf and it's about all these things and her having to grant the wishes and all these things. It's all the same sort of stuff. So adding all this stuff and plus two more stories, I don't even know how you would get through that it would be gobbledygook for sure.
Speaker 2:So Dave starts out the tale of magic and witches and monsters and good and evil. But this is no fairy tale and there are no happy endings which ostensibly this kind of has a happy ending right.
Speaker 1:I mean it seems like they're boning at the end, so I feel like they're pretty happy about it. There's a I don't want to spoil the end, but it's a real weird ending. But yeah, it seems positive. Everyone seems pretty happy. Well, the alive people, the two alive people.
Speaker 2:The world is gone because there was a great war. All that's left is twisted creatures, but there's one human city and then, outside of the human city is the Lost Lands, which is basically the Old West with monsters.
Speaker 1:I guess, but also plenty of humans Seems like.
Speaker 2:there's plenty of people, some humans, there are some.
Speaker 1:Not plenty, but there's a few, but there are some. It's not like these are the only humans are in this one town, which only has 50 people.
Speaker 2:First of all, how does the one human city? What does it run on?
Speaker 1:Is it slave labor? Is that what you're?
Speaker 2:what are they? What do?
Speaker 1:uh, they seem to be mining rock, is that, was that what's happening? Just a mountain, I think they're mining rock now, what are they mining rock, tony? Okay, see, that was so. My question is are you, are you making buildings? Is that like step? One of the rebuild is like we're gonna make some buildings and then we'll move on to you know gas and things that we'll need to run things step one is building big buildings to live in yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, kind of like the pyramids, right, that sort of idea maybe, um, but yeah, yeah, I don't know what they're doing or why they're doing it.
Speaker 1:Also, it feels like they outnumber the guards 10 to 1, 20 to 1, 20 000 to 1. Yes, sure, seems that way it seems very lopsided.
Speaker 1:There doesn't seem to be a ton of security because at one point these guys work in the mines. They just kind of stab one of the guards and he falls and dies and uh, nothing happens. Yeah, nobody's like, hey, that guard's down, nothing, nothing happens. So I I'm a little confused on why they're doing the work unless they believe in it. Maybe that's the maybe they believe in the work. You know it's an honest job. Maybe, maybe we're looking at it the wrong way we're not.
Speaker 2:We're not eating if we don't mind these rocks I don't, I don't, it's a. It's a real weird world yeah, well, the you know, it's the existence of humankind on this planet, generally based around an agrarian society okay, and now when we say agrarian, yeah, explain it to people that maybe have never heard that word before in their lives uh, keeping, keeping goats alive and keeping crops alive, that's agrarian farming, okay, so things that you know.
Speaker 1:So just say farming, dad, okay. You don't need a thesaurus to watch this show.
Speaker 2:Jeez Louise. How many times do you go to the online thesaurus in a day, Tony?
Speaker 1:I don't need to tell you all my secrets, but it's more than none. I'll tell you that. Oh, wow, Okay, so you do.
Speaker 2:I would say Okay good, I think that's healthy.
Speaker 1:Well, it's hard to read a book because you know because you don't understand words, syllables and whatnot.
Speaker 2:Yeah it's tough.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you got to look it up.
Speaker 2:Do you go to the thesaurus and look up words or do you go to the dictionary?
Speaker 1:No, I just Google it, I just straight up Google and then the first one is usually the dictionary and it tells me what it means and how to say it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my wife and I have had a. We've had an argument about the word wizened W-I-Z-E-N-E-D, I think, which is like when you look old and you know, it's like is it wizened? Is it wizened, is it? And?
Speaker 1:it's wizened.
Speaker 2:It's not wizened.
Speaker 1:It's wizened, because wizened, you know, means that you're wise, obviously, and wizened means that you're wise, obviously, and Weezant means that you're old, weezant. And this is the Weenus. So now we're all caught up.
Speaker 2:That's the.
Speaker 1:Weenus, yeah, the skin at your elbow, yeah, that you can grab onto.
Speaker 2:That's called the Weenus. That's not what we call our dog's Weenus.
Speaker 1:Well, that's not what we called our dog sweetest. Well, that's on you. Oh, there you go, using the words wrong, okay, so, so okay. I just want to coming back to these rocks now. Let's equate it to minecraft, which people seem to like. Yes, you mine rocks, but generally to get to better things. I'm mining the rocks to get to some gold, to some silver, to some gems, something that's better than the rocks. I don't think that that's what they're doing.
Speaker 2:Well, yes, well, there's all those questions. You could be mining to get coal or something to keep you warm at night, or you could be mining to get blood diamonds. Sure, you can trade with people.
Speaker 1:Well, you can't trade with people because there are no other people.
Speaker 2:I've been told that's the whole problem is we really have a priest class, we have a guard class and then we have slaves, basically, who work on the rock pile. That's it. That's it. Yeah, that's not a pile.
Speaker 1:That's it. That's it. Yeah, that's not a society, that's nothing.
Speaker 2:They never eat anything, do they? No one ever has to eat food in this movie.
Speaker 1:Oh no, they eat, Trying to think if they eat when they go.
Speaker 2:They eat when they go to the border.
Speaker 1:Which I cannot wait to talk about Trading post, trading post.
Speaker 2:Ah yeah, the TP. Okay, so basically, it's the Old West of monsters. One human city Doesn't make any sense. Here we have we start in the middle of the action, right, tony? Isn't that what we say?
Speaker 1:Is that the story? The middle of Dave Bautista telling a story.
Speaker 2:Is that what you mean by action? Well, the action begins when we see gray alice, our witch, mila jovovich um, ready to be hung by the church.
Speaker 1:But so that's scene two. Right, because scene one is like dave telling a story, but then it cuts to his face that's prologue, but that he's telling this.
Speaker 1:So you know how usually it's a voiceover, yeah, and you're kind of, and they start this way, they start on like a voiceover and he's we're going over the land and kind of looking at the terrain, but then it cuts to his face and he's looking right down the barrel of the camera and he's telling me this story. Hey you, tony, why is he telling me the story Number one at this moment?
Speaker 1:I will get to what it means later, which amounts to nothing. But why would you start a movie with him telling us a story that one we don't understand or care about, but two, he can't pull this off. He doesn't have, doesn't have the gravitas. The gravitas, it's not a good story. I'm not hooked, I'm not like oh, tell me more, dave well, because he's not telling us anything.
Speaker 2:He's, he's, he's just giving us sort of flat tropes. Right, there's there's nothing there's nothing here that you're like oh I'm you're supposed to break through. Your intro is supposed to do one of two things. If it's a bad movie, it's just to say a bunch of things about where we are, because they think we're idiots and can't sort it. They think we're not going to be able to watch their stupid movie and figure out what's going on without being directly told.
Speaker 1:Guess what I didn't, what I didn't? I still did not. You told me everything and I was still like what is happening in this movie?
Speaker 2:it doesn't make any sense yeah, or or you, you set up a thing. You know it's like the most classic thing, the most classic voiceover sunset boulevard uh, we, you know what sunset boulevard that? Do you know what Sunset Boulevard? That movie Do you know that movie at?
Speaker 1:all yeah, I do.
Speaker 2:So what is the setup at the beginning of the movie I?
Speaker 1:have absolutely no idea. I've never seen the movie.
Speaker 2:Basically, we set up William Holden's character. He's like blah, blah, blah, whatever he talks about, and then we see him lying face down in the pool dead. So he's setting up.
Speaker 1:Great, lying face down in the pool dead. So he's setting up.
Speaker 2:Great, there you go. This is where we're going. This is where we're going to end up me being dead and I, he says something. It's it's great, billy wilder, you know it's great dialogue and you're like okay, we're in it now for anyone who's wondering, this movie is from like the 19 for 50, 50s, 40s, 50s.
Speaker 1:So if you're watching this on YouTube, you probably don't know what that is either, but maybe watch it, maybe give it a shot. Dan seems to like it.
Speaker 2:One of the greatest movies of all time.
Speaker 1:Wow, Go Dan Okay.
Speaker 2:But you know, that's a setup, that's a true setup where you're prologuing something and you're saying this is what you're getting into. I'm going to be dead by the end of this movie.
Speaker 1:But instead what he's saying is hey, I'm going to tell you a story about how, why I'm standing here. Telling you this story is essentially what he's doing, and I don't care.
Speaker 2:Don't care at all, because this world's not confusing, we don't it? Actually it's kind of damaging to itself by saying there's only one human city. Then I sit here going like well, now I'm confused because what does that mean?
Speaker 1:That tells, how does that work? Yep, that's exactly right. And then we see that society and it's like well, this doesn't even function. So I'm not, I don't understand one bit of it.
Speaker 2:It doesn't make any sense. You know when, when. As opposed to solar babies, that was a good move, right, didn't they set up in solar babies that, like, the world is like this, but all the orphan kids are sent to this one place and that's why they're more like well, okay, we sort of set up this weird world and sort of an explanation as to why, you know, because it doesn't make sense that there's a lot of 17-year-old kids roller skating so many.
Speaker 1:There's so many of them.
Speaker 2:You know when the Solar Babies intro is making more sense than your movie that's made 30 years later that's a problem.
Speaker 1:You've made huge mistakes, huge mistakes in your life.
Speaker 2:When you're downgrade from solar babies.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's bad, it's bad. Okay, now let's get to some great scene work. Coming up here, alice, standing getting ready to be hung.
Speaker 2:Yeah, getting ready to be hung. We have the bad lady, the bad priest lady, I don't know. Did she have a name. Did she get something? The Enforcer? Is that what they called her? I think that's maybe what it is.
Speaker 1:Something like that.
Speaker 2:She's terrible. We don't ever want to spend any time with her.
Speaker 1:She's really bad.
Speaker 2:Why is she bad? I watch her and I'm like I don't want to. You know there's characters that you know we always go back to Hans Gruber. You know we're like we want to spend time with Hans Gruber. We want to spend time, we want to hear him say things and be disgusted Harry Potter.
Speaker 1:Sure, that's great. A little Snape in there.
Speaker 2:I want to stand in the room with that character and have him do terrible things to the heroes.
Speaker 1:Or me. You know what I'm saying. Do it, do it to me, hans, let's go ah, yes, please um, I I don't know why.
Speaker 1:I mean, I, I don't know why she's bad. She's a really bad actor in this movie. At least I've never, I don't know if I've ever seen her. Anything else should have looked her up. I feel bad now, so hopefully, no hard feelings when I tell you that you did a terrible job in this movie. Um, but I was. I was comparing it to um the, the movie we just watched not too long ago with aquaman. What's what was?
Speaker 1:that jason momoa yeah, the jason momoa movie. Wasn't that? It she where rose mcgowan plays the evil lady. Am I confusing movies right now? Do you remember the Rose McGowan evil lady movie? I can't think of it, that's so terrible.
Speaker 2:You watched it, conan. She was in Conan right, conan the.
Speaker 1:Barbarian or whatever. Oh yeah, yeah Right, she's the bad person in Conan and that's what I was comparing this character to the whole time.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, she plays the. Oh, she was great though.
Speaker 1:She's wonderful.
Speaker 1:And the reason why she's wonderful is she leans into the campiness of it a little bit and like plays like I'm. I'm evil and creepy and she gives it 120%. She is laying it all on the floor for a movie that does not deserve it. No, no. And this lady is like given 30% to a movie, she's the right reaction to a bad movie, right, she's like I'll say the lines, I'll change my level of how forceful I am at saying it, but I'm not going to act. You know, like I'm not going to be a creepy woman, I'm just going to say loud things when I need to.
Speaker 1:Prime example, this first scene she like starts her speech by telling everyone to stop the work, which is a ridiculous thing. Did you not remember this? She's yelling out the mountain for everyone. She goes stop the work, stop the work. And then everyone stops mining their rocks and looks at her and I'll. It's ridiculous. And then she gives a little speech about why they're hanging the witch, and it's all just lines that I'm pretty sure she's reading off a prompter. I, I'm sorry, lady, it's bad. Like it's all flat. There's no emotion, she doesn't care about this witch at all but she should.
Speaker 1:It should be. A personal vendetta like this is the ultimate bad guy. She's just so bad. I just was shocked every time she was on screen. It blew my mind.
Speaker 2:And then, before she's even hung, they all wander off, except one guy, they all walk away. Everybody pay attention, we're going to hang this person.
Speaker 1:Go back to work. We're leaving. Good job everybody.
Speaker 2:She's going to fall off the platform and then she'll die, but we're not hanging around for that.
Speaker 1:It is inexplicable why they all leave. There are five guards and her or something, and they all walk away, but one dude. It's bizarre. She would want to see, this character would want to see. She would want to look at this witch as she's writhing and dying, because that's what brings her satisfaction. You know what I mean? Not this lady. She's like okay, I gave my speech Deuces, good luck, I hope you die. She doesn't. Spoiler alert. She doesn't die.
Speaker 2:I hope you die, not like I'm gonna enjoy watching you die. I hope you get around to dying. How?
Speaker 1:long do you think it takes to hang A minute, two minutes?
Speaker 2:Oh, I don't know the answer to that, but it does takes. It takes some time, but not In a real old Westie execution you, you fall through the platform and it breaks your neck, which kills you right, right, and that's what you're hoping, but if it doesn't, you do strangle. If you're falling to, if you're just going to be, if you're not falling, you're just strung up. Yeah, you're going to strangle and it's going to be. Gruesome Eyes are going to pop out. I think it's going to be unpleasant.
Speaker 1:All right, I can't. I'm probably on a list somewhere. I can't Google the fact of how long it takes to die by hanging. Sorry, I probably shouldn't have done that.
Speaker 2:Oh, you know, that's the movie we should make, where we're sitting here and we're doing something and then you're Googling all these things, right, and then something terrible happens to somebody. Like I'm making it happen. Well, you're making a, you're leaving this trail of evidence for something you didn't do. And then they go back and find this giant trail of evidence and they're like what do you mean? You were making a video. You're like well, the video actually got. Yes, we got deleted we never posted it.
Speaker 1:What are you talking?
Speaker 2:about. These are, these things are too specific, and then they all happen and then I'm in trouble and I didn't do it.
Speaker 1:So then I have to stop it from happening. The next one you know what I mean no, you get hung. Oh, I got. Okay, do you save the day? Then damn, because that's some bullshit right there.
Speaker 2:That's my secret trap, and I believe you're the perpetrator. Yeah, I get away with it just using me, you son of a bitch because I want to see how long it takes for you to hang. I finally got my, my answer. There's your answer. Now die Tony.
Speaker 1:Oh boy, that's some dark stuff there, dan, I like it, I'm on board. All I was saying is it doesn't take that long. She can't be that busy that she can't stay an extra couple minutes to watch the hanging to completion.
Speaker 2:So they all wander off the witch. Then there's one dude. She looks in his eyes and takes control of him, or she illusions him, because that's what she can do Illusions him yeah. She gets in your brain, she can illusion you, and then he I don't know he shoots the rope, and then the bad guys come back, and then he sort of shoots them, sort of.
Speaker 1:He must shoot at least one of them. Yeah, it seems, but we don't really know, because then she's just gone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so she runs away into the back of the cave that they're in. Then we're doing the hunter down. She breaks one dude's neck.
Speaker 1:But also, they come back so quick.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but she breaks one guy's neck by going like this.
Speaker 1:It's like if you're spinning the basketball on someone's finger.
Speaker 2:You ever done that You're dead, you're dead.
Speaker 1:And it's like she doesn't have like super strength or anything right. No, because they call her a witch, but she doesn't seem to have a lot of powers. It seems to be Illusion.
Speaker 2:That's her power.
Speaker 1:That's it right, Just the one. So is that really a witch? It feels like a broad strokes name.
Speaker 2:What are you going to call her? Minor warlock, minor thaumaturgist? An illusionist, that's what I'd say.
Speaker 1:She's an illusionist.
Speaker 2:She's going to kill anybody that refers to her as an illusionist.
Speaker 1:Yeah right, you told my secret. She doesn't want people figuring it out. That's a good point. That's a good point. All-powerful witch, I forgot.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, although her illusions can just kill, right, I mean, it seems she shoots fire at the one guy and he burns up to death.
Speaker 1:Well, it's the placebo effect. You know, he thinks he's burning, so then. So then his body falls apart, it's a placebo effect.
Speaker 2:Listen to Tony.
Speaker 1:I don't even know.
Speaker 2:If that works, you're going to start talking about the Stanford experiment next.
Speaker 1:I'm not even sure that that worked for it, but I felt good in the moment.
Speaker 2:You are correct. That is essentially how the placebo effect works.
Speaker 1:And that works in medicine all the time. Cures things all the time. They just think they're better and then they're better.
Speaker 2:Pretty much 50, 50 of medicine is placebo effect you're like cancer.
Speaker 1:No, take this pill. Oh, I'm better, oh I'm better thanks, everybody, thank you okay.
Speaker 2:so the they go after her. She kills a guy, kills another guy, and then the boss lady's like, show yourself. And then the witch gets a knife to the throat of her main protagonist in the movie and she's like do it. And then so instead she hangs, puts her up to hang to death, but somehow, of course, she also doesn't hang to death.
Speaker 1:Well, because she also leaves, Because everyone who does the hanging just peaces out before anyone hangs? It's a strange idea. You should listen. Not that I'm condoning hanging people, Let me be clear. But if you're going to do it, just stay. Just finish the job, All right. You never know.
Speaker 2:So she has basically killed like five guards and then put the one lady in the hanging and then she goes back and walks through essentially all the slaves, thousands of slaves, right in front of everybody. She walks, she doesn't go out the back, she walks back out to the front.
Speaker 1:Yeah, badass.
Speaker 2:Through everyone who's guarding them now, so were those five people guarding her guarding them all.
Speaker 1:Now, yeah, those were all of the guards, those were all the people stationed on the rocks. They're done, they have no more guards left. And also they start chanting what is it? The witch who can't be hanged, or something like that. Is that her nickname for the rest of the movie? Sure, I don't know. The witch that will not hang, that's what they chant. And then it keeps coming back later. That'll be important later because I'm going to bring it up. So remember that her nickname is the witch that will not hang. Just put a pin in that.
Speaker 2:So she won't go to the bar with you and chill.
Speaker 1:She will not hang out with anybody. Real hermit, real hermit, let's meet the other character in the movie.
Speaker 2:A writer approaches. He's got a gun. He gets to this cave because there's always a cave or a thing like a cave.
Speaker 1:Is it a cave or is it just like an underpass?
Speaker 2:type of thing, because I feel like there's sun on both sides?
Speaker 1:I'm not really sure.
Speaker 2:So he gets there and he's all like, hmm, this looks like a place you'd do an ambush. And then he waits, and then the ambush people come out and he kills them all. But the one good thing. See, you'll like this part.
Speaker 1:The one good thing is.
Speaker 2:Oh, I did not like this part. The dude tries to go to his course and steal his rifle and then on the rifle he's got a snake snake which has two heads. It's a two-headed snake, super cool. As a child we used to go to russo's pet store where they had a two-headed snake that we get to see. There's a two-headed snake wait for real.
Speaker 1:This is a real thing. Yeah, he didn't just tape a fake head on a snake body.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's a real two-headed snake.
Speaker 1:That's not normal, dan Normal, they're not supposed to have two heads.
Speaker 2:It's not typical.
Speaker 1:Does this happen? This is the scariest thing.
Speaker 2:Have you ever heard of Siamese twins and people that are born with extra limbs and shit?
Speaker 1:No, yeah, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, that was a joke I have. Was that rude? I didn't mean to be rude. I was just messing around jesus, that was rude.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm sorry let's take it back. Why'd you be racist for a while? Next, whoa, whoa. You can't throw out accusations like that, um, yeah. So yes, thank you. You do have abnormalities where creatures are born with multiple heads. Well, maybe two heads. I don't think you can get born with three heads. Maybe you can. That would be crazy.
Speaker 1:Cerberus, sure did.
Speaker 2:Cerberus. There it is, you know, cerberus, like at the pet store. Look at the pet store. I mean, the thing is, this is a mutant, a two-headed snake, but still yeah.
Speaker 1:So here's oh God, so I don't like this. Here's why.
Speaker 2:Because you know it made me queasy, because I'm scared of a snake. Well, first of all, yeah, I'm scared of snakes.
Speaker 1:And if a snake had to, it would be double scary, because it would bite you in both sides of your neck and suck out your blood Right, because that's what snakes do.
Speaker 2:Not what they do.
Speaker 1:Well they would. They would pierce it, and then they would just hang on, and then they would just hang on. They would choke you slowly, like that, and you bleed out.
Speaker 2:It's bad stuff. That's not how they choke you.
Speaker 1:I don't believe you, Dan. I'll tell you that they inject poison into you and then you paralyze, typically, and then they unhook the jaw Two jaws and just meet in the middle the lady and the tramp your head. All right, the two heads will slowly.
Speaker 2:Tony's head is the meatball. Okay, yeah, okay, what's your problem?
Speaker 1:So this snake is just chilling in the bag.
Speaker 2:No, it's chilling on his rifle.
Speaker 1:It's wrapped around the gun in the holster or bag of some sort. Oh no, I'm not going to shush about it. Okay, it doesn't make any sense. So he pulls this out of some sort of holster thing and the snake is still on it. How does that even work?
Speaker 2:It's called CGI. Anything works.
Speaker 1:He would be peeled off as he pulls the gun out. Okay, this is stupid.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm doing, I'm logicking things, so nothing can be fun.
Speaker 1:I'm not logicking, but they use the snake like two times, and both times I think it's ill-used because at one point he's going to throw the snake at somebody instead of shooting them. Dan, he has a gun and a snake and he chooses to throw the snake. That's the smart move? The snake, that's the smart move. That is not the smart move. The smart, just shoot a limited amount of bullets you have a limited amount of snakes because they kill spoiler alert.
Speaker 1:They kill that snake pretty quick, alright, so he just basically kills all these these people, now Dan, as an intro to a character I like the snake, you love this. I'm these people, now Dan, as an intro to a character I like the snake, you love the snake. Listen, I'll give you this snake. Okay, it's a fun idea that I think was used poorly, but the idea of it is cool.
Speaker 2:I will take that.
Speaker 1:But as an intro to the character, we don't know anything about him. He's got a snake. He's got a cool two-headed snake. He walks into an ambush on purpose and then just tells the guys like hey, I know you're there, just come out so I can kill you. What if?
Speaker 2:one of them has a gun why don't they have a gun?
Speaker 1:what kind of an ambush doesn't have a gun? When you are ambushing a guy with guns, that's a bad plan. Everyone knows that he's a hunter. Quote, unquote or something.
Speaker 2:That's why, in all real Westerns, you have to keep track of every gun and every person with a bow and arrow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 100%.
Speaker 2:And the good Westerns? Do the good Westerns keep track of that shit, right? You don't walk into a because someone's going to have a gun and they're just going to shoot you.
Speaker 1:I feel that way. I get road rage a lot. I get road rage a lot, by the way, and my wife is always like, well, what if they pull a gun on you? And I'm like, well, then I'm dead because I've already mouthed off to them, and that's a real concern nowadays, which is very sad. So you know, don't shoot me, everybody, I'm just having a bad day. So my thing is, this guy brings a gun to ostensibly a knife fight, you know like that sort of idea, because it's four dudes that are relatively unarmed and he has a gun and he just shoots them all really quickly. That's not a cool intro to your character, would you be?
Speaker 2:I believe the first guy we see has an ax. I believe the second guy has some sort of other ax which he's dragging Resident Evil style behind him Uh-huh, yep. I'm sorry, I am not approaching Western type gunfighter dragging a weapon behind me with my whole body, you know, with my whole body very available for bolts.
Speaker 1:This is all dead meat, right Like you have so much surface area to kill me with. And it just doesn't make him very cool because he cheats. He's almost a coward. Also, the guns that he pulls out, from what I can tell, just come out of his hands. Did you see where they come out of?
Speaker 2:Does he have holsters? I never.
Speaker 1:Not as far as I know.
Speaker 2:I don't think there was ever enough lighting in any scene. I couldn't tell you anything about his costume. I could tell you nothing about I don't know what his boots are. I don't you know what I mean, I'm sorry but costuming is one of the coolest ways you can build a character.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you do not, especially a cool cowboy.
Speaker 2:Cool cowboy yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, it's just it's all bad, Like I don't like this character. After this first scene I'm not interested in his story. I don't care why he's there or why he killed these relatively innocent men, I just don't care.
Speaker 2:I don't know about relatively innocent men, but I agree with the rest of it. So Grey Alice goes home. Everybody knows where her home is. It's just her home's right there. You can just go to her home and kill her there if you want.
Speaker 1:Can I ask you a question? Yes, this lady at the bottom of her stairs, the blind lady, yep, those are her stairs right, those are Gray Alice's stairs. Get out of my stairs, because Gray Alice comes home, puts a coin in the lady's cup.
Speaker 2:She's like a poor lady. Does she give her a coin?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And she's like Gray Alice, as if who else would be coming to gray alice's home? You, you live on her front porch, essentially, yeah. And then there's a weird conversation where alice goes did you hear me from my footsteps? And the old lady's like no, from your kindness, you gave me a door. You are on her personal property. Who's gonna come give you free shit on her personal property? Who's gonna come give you free shit if? Listen, if you need to beg for change, don't sit on someone's front porch. Go to a street corner with lots of people. You gotta increase your chances of getting money, people this lady's terrible at her job.
Speaker 2:You've you've completely turned on this movie, haven't you? You're like every character must be punished for their life choices.
Speaker 1:In this movie, I'm sorry, this is the worst written movie I think I've ever seen in my life. Nothing about it makes sense. Nothing is done correctly. Why would she be sitting at her house? And then she's surprised that she knows who she is.
Speaker 2:So here comes the Queen and the Captain of the Overwatch, who are the queen's guards. And the queen wants to be able to turn into a wolf, she wants to become a werewolf. And Great Alice has to accept every wish that everyone has, which doesn't make a lot of sense, because if she was walking through hundreds of thousands of slaves and they all knew this, they would all say I want to be free.
Speaker 1:I want to be free, I want to be free, I want to be free, I want to be free. She gives him their freedom. So you know, your your theory wrong? She doesn't. There's not a timeline on it, dan, she just has to. I'm just so. Here's my thing. What's your thing, tony? She says that she can't say no to anyone and she has to grant their wish. Yeah, but that's not really the rule she cause she's giving the one the number two in command, not his wish but his true desire?
Speaker 1:Yeah, because his wish was to have that mission fail. It does fail and Gray Alice is like no, no, no, what you really wanted was for the boyfriend to be out of the picture so you can move in.
Speaker 2:But that's not what he wished for. It does fail. Her wish is to have the ability for her to set up so that she could become a werewolf, and she does that. And then she also does it in such a way because at the end, okay, we're going to give it spoiler.
Speaker 1:All right, yeah, spoilers alert. Go watch the movie, everybody, dave.
Speaker 2:Bautista's voice character is the werewolf.
Speaker 1:Just the worst twist of all time.
Speaker 2:So the whole idea is at the end she skins, skins him alive and then the skin is what you need and she gives that to the queen. The queen is in love with Dave Bautista's character.
Speaker 1:For unknowable reasons.
Speaker 2:For unknowable reasons. And then the idea is that she's not going to use that skin to become a werewolf because it's her boyfriend's skin and therefore she solved that one right. She gave the queen the ability to become a werewolf. The queen chooses not to do it. She's screwed it up for the queen by doing it in this very specific way. So the captain of the Overwatch gets his wish, which is to not have the queen become a werewolf, and that's what it is.
Speaker 1:But that's not what Gray Alice tells the man.
Speaker 2:Oh, I don't care what she tells him, I'm just talking about the twist Because I guess in the book this is the twist, I think in the story.
Speaker 1:It probably makes more sense in the book.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because it's written out and she explains how she screwed everybody over, but at least you've written down the wish in the book. Yeah, because it's written out and she explains how she screwed every or not screwed everybody over, but at least you've written down the wish in the book in very specific words, and therefore when you twist the wish around at the end you can be like, well, your words were these exact words and they're in the book. So I can go back and go. Oh yeah, that's exactly what he said.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's true, but in this movie I can go back and go. Oh yeah, that's exactly what he said. Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2:That's true, but in this movie, everything is so muddled that you don't get it.
Speaker 1:I mean, you kind of get it, but you're also kind of like does this really make sense? I'm not totally convinced.
Speaker 2:So the queen pays for getting the werewolf skin with a little bag of money.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just a tiny, teeny little bag of possibly silver, because that's what she sticks inside the werewolf, I think.
Speaker 2:The Overwatch guy gives her this weird watch which Just a stopwatch. It's the thing in the movie that I truly didn't understand, because I don't know what's with this watch. They act like it means something and it doesn't mean anything.
Speaker 1:It does mean something, because Dave Bautista's like I've never seen anything like this, so he's just you know he likes it.
Speaker 2:It's the last watch in the world.
Speaker 1:It might be the last watch in the entire universe. There is the last watch in the world.
Speaker 2:Okay, so that's what the captain wants. There it is. Last watch in the world. Okay, so that's what the captain wants. And she's like, okay, I'm doing it. She then has this big vision of the werewolf killing a bunch of people who are trying to kill the werewolf for God only knows what reasons.
Speaker 1:Again unknowable reasons.
Speaker 2:It doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 1:Because here's the thing like they're attacking the werewolf, I'm on the werewolf's side. He's just trying to survive. At that point there are 12 men surrounding him trying to kill him and he defends himself. So far, werewolf doesn't seem like a bad guy. I don't know, maybe I'm partial to werewolves.
Speaker 2:And what they don't show us is that she knows it's Dave Bautista at this point. So she's right from the beginning of the movie. Her character knows that Dave Bautista is the werewolf.
Speaker 1:Which we, I mean we kind of already know right.
Speaker 2:What do you mean? So here's I saw the twist coming, you did see, when did you realize that Dave Bautista was the werewolf?
Speaker 1:Pretty much immediately in their conversation. I will tell you when we get to them meeting. I'll tell you when it happened.
Speaker 2:Oh really, okay, good, that's interesting.
Speaker 1:But when did? Why does she have a premonition? If she's an illusionist?
Speaker 2:She also has premonition. She's an illusionist, but only one time she's a witch.
Speaker 1:She has one premonition in the whole movie.
Speaker 2:Because that solves all of her issues.
Speaker 1:So she only does that every once in a while. She's like I'll do it once a week and I'll plan out my week.
Speaker 2:I'm sure before the movie started she probably had a premonition oh, they're going to come and grab me, but they're all going to leave before I'm actually hung.
Speaker 1:So I can let them grab me so I get a chance to escape. Yeah, oh boy, oh man so dumb, all right. Boy, oh man so dumb, all right, continue.
Speaker 2:The queen goes and sees the overlord who I thought was her old dad, but it's not and she elder abuses him, which I was like-. Straight up, we don't get a lot of movies where we get some clear elder abuse in fantasy.
Speaker 1:We don't get that much. Am I supposed to hate her? Because I do? Yeah, she's horrible. She's horrible. Why is everybody horrible? Because it's the.
Speaker 2:Lost Lands.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I feel like somebody should be. I should root for somebody, because there are people that survive and I don't like them.
Speaker 2:The captain of the Overwatch. He wants what he wants, but he's not especially terrible.
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah, he just likes the girl, he's just into the lady. You can't really fault him for that, you know.
Speaker 2:Grealis goes, oh, and then we see the queen smooching on Dave Bautista, and then he's like as he cases.
Speaker 1:Which is weird.
Speaker 2:And I guess he impregnated her nine months ago or some amount of time ago.
Speaker 1:Well, at some point she's not ready to pop?
Speaker 2:He'll party with anyone right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure, it seems like this guy doesn't. Yeah, he has no allegiances to women, he's just. He's a traveler, you know, traveler, traveling man.
Speaker 2:And then, as he's leaving, he kills a couple guards on the stairs randomly.
Speaker 1:Right Now. That's confusing, right, Because why does he need to do that? What is the purpose of that?
Speaker 2:Just to show that he's badass and if you get too close to him he's going to kill you. Does that make you?
Speaker 1:badass, just killing men doing their job. I mean I don't know, it's weird, they're just standing there, they don't even really attack him.
Speaker 2:I'm going to tell you what the problem with all of this is. Okay, we've set up in the way that we watch. Everything is that if you're the powerful person in your place of power, you have power. Yes, and this movie, this movie, just every time you're in some place of power.
Speaker 1:They're just like nah, they don't really have any power there.
Speaker 2:Nobody cares. There's no power there. You know, it's like he just kills these guards. You're like there's Queen standing there.
Speaker 1:Queen's like she should be like let him go he's my side piece or sneak him out. You're like there's probably a way for him to sneak out of a window, rapunzel style? Yeah, I don't know, he doesn't need to just walk down the hallway and kill people. First of all, they already short guards. They don't have a lot of guards to go around, so they need to keep as many as they can.
Speaker 2:All right, you know go around so they need to keep as many as they can. All right, you know you you watch the old like fifa, baghdad kind of movies. You know where you have like the errol flynn playing the fifa baghdad and when he goes like to the harem, the, you know like get a little something, something he like does park, he parkours there, and you're just like I want to be this guy. Right, I don't want to be dave batista, I don't want to be him.
Speaker 2:I'm just like no, for sure not interesting to me no, no, he's a bad guy to his core yeah, you want to make characters that you you're like, oh, if I was cool, I'd be that cool, good stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure. This is basically the second scene that we've seen batista in, and he is in both scenes killed relatively innocent men.
Speaker 2:That's kind of his thing. Okay, so she goes to the bar to meet De Batista. What do they do, tony?
Speaker 1:What do they do? Do they have a shot? What do they do?
Speaker 2:They do some. What do you do in a bar in the Old West? You drink. What else do you do? There's three things you do in a bar in the Old West.
Speaker 1:You drink, you do hookers.
Speaker 2:What's number three? What's?
Speaker 1:the third one. What am I missing?
Speaker 2:Come on, piano bar Bang bang bang bang, someone does piano bar, you Piano bar. Bang bang bang bang, someone does piano bar.
Speaker 1:You don't do piano, you don't do it. Okay, I got nothing. What's the third thing, gambling? No, no, no, no, okay, I almost forgot that this happened. She approaches him and she's like, hey, what's up? And he's like, no, no, I'm just here to play some cards. And then cut to a wide shot he's alone at the table, dan, he's playing, but he's shuffling cards. Alone at the table, he's not there to gamble. He's there to play solitaire. Okay, no one wants to play cards with this guy.
Speaker 2:There's a bar full of people.
Speaker 1:Nobody is at the table with him. He's not gambling.
Speaker 2:And what do they do? They do it. He takes her draw. She's all like no cards. And what are they?
Speaker 1:Doesn't even look at her hand, right, if I'm not mistaken. Because she premonized it, I used to watch poker on the television. Oh heck, yeah, Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Super entertaining, super interesting. And then you see this kind of bogus poker where it's like both, you know, it's like full house, other full house, which is even better.
Speaker 1:you're just like, oh, come on and he's like shocked, as if, as if, like he had something to do with the car, like I don't, I don't know, man. And then that was enough for him to be like wow, I guess I'll go into business with you because you beat me at a random game of chance hello.
Speaker 2:So she's all like I need somebody to take me out of the lost lands. He's like I'm a guy but I'm expensive. She's like well, I'll give you your own money back and I'll give you this watch that someone gave me and he's.
Speaker 1:and he literally says I've never seen something like that before and he's very excited about it. So he takes the watch and the job. Now this is the part where it gets fun. Ready, yeah, ready. When she tells him the plan.
Speaker 2:I got to go kill a shapeshifter. He's like I know one. His name is that's it. That's it.
Speaker 1:You know one. So one of two things is happening here, Dan. He's either talking about himself I know one shapeshifter or there is one shapeshifter because he's the Lost Lands guy. He's the guy that she came to him because everyone knows he's the Lost Lands traveler.
Speaker 2:Right, he's the guy. He's only heard of one shapeshifter?
Speaker 1:Yes, no, either one of two things. The only answer to that is he is that shapeshifter or there is only one shapeshifter in the world.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because otherwise he would know about more than one. So that was it. So that was like well, he's the guy.
Speaker 2:So if you were rewriting it, you'd be like this is what, this is what he should say. Well, the closest one is Sardor. He lives Something like that. That would have been more tricky, yeah, as opposed to.
Speaker 1:I know a man just like that. I know, I know him real well, I know him real good Not me, but a friend of mine definitely fits the bill. So weird, it's such a weird line.
Speaker 2:So they're okay. What is this Gives her? The watch? The priests show up and there's a fight and they kill his snake.
Speaker 1:Immediately, immediately. But he throws it at a guy across the bar, it bites one and then falls down and maybe bites another, and then the lady just cuts it in half, because that's all you have to do to a snake, which is why a bullet infinitely more effective.
Speaker 2:Then they easily ride away after throwing one snake.
Speaker 1:Well, because you know, the snake caused a lot of commotion, dan, because it's wriggling all over the place, even though she killed it within three to four seconds Seconds, so they are not very far ahead of you.
Speaker 2:Not very far, but they get over there. They're gone Get their horses. They loaded up the food they needed for this five day trip, because I won't worry about food.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, they didn't do that. Yeah, don't worry about food. Don't worry about food or drink. Not important in this movie.
Speaker 2:Now we're going to meet, I think, the no one more character, the Patriarch, who's the guy that runs the church. He yells to the congregation and is all like everyone go get the congregation. Also, they have the blind lady that sits at the stairs and she and she's like I heard him, it was the princess or whatever. She thinks on the queen. She was like the queen, yeah.
Speaker 1:Queen.
Speaker 2:They know that. So here we are. We've we've ridden away. We're a little ways away, we've taken a break to not eat the food that we took with us and here comes a single-headed snake. Boyce gets it and he picks it up and he's all like communing with the snake, and then he's like he puts it down because it's not the right snake and he's missing his old snake, his buddy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he misses his little buddy.
Speaker 2:There it is. That's the best scene in the movie.
Speaker 1:That's the best scene in the movie. That's the best scene in the movie. He never talks to a snake, ever again in the movie, but that's the best scene.
Speaker 2:The best scene because you see that snake is what meant something to him and now he's interviewing new snakes to be his new snake.
Speaker 1:That's cool, sure it would be cooler if he got the new snake at the end of the movie, when he shows up and is telling the story. He should have a new fucking snake, because he was looking for a snake friend. It's weird that it never comes back.
Speaker 2:That could be like a bit through the whole movie the snake. See, that's what they never understand. This in movies is make that a bit. Make him miss the fuck out of that snake and Dave Bautista can play him missing the fuck out of that snake and dave batista can play him missing the fuck out of that snake.
Speaker 1:I know there are not a ton of things that dave batista can play but that is one.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:Here's the thing I have liked him in everything that I have ever seen him in, until this movie. I am, I have been very hard on the acting of this movie so far, at least just the two people we talked about. It's clearly not entirely their fault. You know what I mean, because I love Dave Bautista. I love him and he is god awful in this movie, and it can't be his fault, but the snake, that snake, that was good. Great yeah, absolutely, but again.
Speaker 1:It means nothing. But it means nothing, dan. If it meant something it would be fine, I swear to God, if it was just dead snake talks to one snake and at the end of the movie he's got a snake on his shoulder. When he shows up to Alice and is like hey bitch, remember me. Cool, he doesn't even have to mention the snake, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:He picks up the snake and then he begins the training of the snake through the movie.
Speaker 1:Or that I would love to watch that he gets all bent out of shape because the snake's.
Speaker 2:He's like why weren't you on the?
Speaker 1:Somebody steals his rifle and he's like why weren't you on the rifle Yelling at the?
Speaker 2:snake. What are you doing, bro?
Speaker 1:That would be a totally different movie, because that's a well-written, fun movie that has some levels to it. We can't do that. That'd be levels. I do kind of want to steal that bit now. That's a good bit.
Speaker 2:So now the movie becomes a map movie. We have a map Just out of the blue they show us everything we're going to do for the rest of the movie and we're stuck on that map.
Speaker 1:When did maps come back into fashion? Indiana Jones did it 40 years ago and at the time I think people were like, oh, this is a fun gimmick, and then I think eventually we kind of got rid of it. But this is the second thing that I've seen this week that had traveling maps and they look worse than they did back then. Indiana Jones still did it better.
Speaker 2:Indiana Jones didn't overuse the map, it just took, that's true. It took the place of exposition right.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, exactly, it saves you time explaining where we're going and how we're getting there.
Speaker 2:Indiana Jones didn't walk over to man and go like now we're going to go to North Africa and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Instead, we just see a plane flying and then we see a dot, a line going, and then we're like everything we need to know they get there and no voiceover, nothing.
Speaker 1:No, because we know you set the scene. We're here, let's all enjoy it.
Speaker 2:They go to Trading Post. There's a dude there, there's a woman who he kisses. They eat.
Speaker 1:Now, Dan, these are the only two humans at this trading post. Right yeah, Are they not married?
Speaker 2:You would think they were married.
Speaker 1:I would think it. And yet she just like kisses him and it's a weird three shot right. So Batista's on this side, the woman's on this side, I'm the bald dude that lives at the thing and they kiss in front of my face and I was like, well, this is a weird scene. This is some sort of like a cuckold situation, I think. And she just like sleeps with travelers that pass by and the husband just has to like watch gotta make money he doesn't pay her, does he? We don't think so no, maybe and she's all right.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry it's just this. It's so weird that there are only two people. It's a man and woman. I'm not saying they can't just be friends. Men and women can be friends. You know, it's not a when harry met sally situation, that's fine. But they're the only two humans at this outpost. They're always there because he travels once a year to see her or something like that. He'll say later, we'll talk about that in a second. So ostensibly they are always there. They have to be together, otherwise it's weird.
Speaker 2:They're at bed. The woman quizzes him about the witch, then he tells this story about growing up and having a hard heart and then he's all like but that's not me, I live a wacky life. It was almost funny. It could have if the story meant something. The story like he didn't know what the story. I don't even know what the story is.
Speaker 1:Because it was just random nonsense about like growing up tough and then never, and that's what being lonely is and it's like what are you what? What are you talking about? That's not anyhow Could have. It was almost funny, like it was. It was it was the right idea, it was almost funny.
Speaker 2:If that was his character, you know, and then we're, if we're setting up his character of like, oh, of these times he's like yeah whatever you know, if you, if he hot and colds everyone with these weird sort of stories, I'm like I mentioned that character, it's not though it's just the one time so she asks him, point blank is like oh, do you like the witch?
Speaker 1:and he says something to the effect of not as much as I like you. Oh, oh, really Okay. Which is weird because they just talked about how he only sees her once a year.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And yet you're saying, like you're using that as a oh, I like you a lot. I see you once a year, babe. I mean, come on, what more do you want from me? I'm a man. I can't be a hassle to come more than once a month, even though I clearly like you a lot. I'm pretty much in love with you and he almost cries when she dies and he sees her once a year.
Speaker 2:He does almost cry.
Speaker 1:Doesn't really make any sense.
Speaker 2:Why is he sleeping with the queen? I don't understand.
Speaker 1:He's sleeping with everybody. He doesn't care about anybody. It's all weird.
Speaker 2:The evil train. The bad guys are on a train, so they're tracking them on a train. They go to Trading Post, they torture the dude and they burn it down, whatever yeah, yeah, it don't matter. Back to them. They get to the Rift, which is the location of the safe crossing. They're looking for this guy, cyrus. The cable car is his bus Super weird. They go on the Lost and Found he's dead. They go back outside. Here's all the priests, people there. Now they're wearing sunglasses and she's wearing this pair of sunglasses that if this was like a funny movie, you'd laugh but in this movie you're just like, I don't understand.
Speaker 1:I did not understand it would be funny because it's like they couldn't find defensive glasses because you're wearing them so that Alice can't look in their eyes and take control of them. And it's funny if they had to just use whatever they could find and that's a gag you're doing, sure I would chuckle. But the other four or five dudes, all are just wearing the same glasses and then she's got these kooky weird.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't understand, I don't know, I don't get it it's almost like a weird bit that you know like an inside joke amongst on the movie or something on the set, maybe yeah, you're just like something going on here that I don't understand it's something that the entire nine people that saw this movie didn't weren't in on.
Speaker 2:The joke on yeah, it was weird. It's not a good move because it didn't it. It just felt like I don't know. It felt it just felt weird it felt specific, it felt so incredibly specific because it was a choice.
Speaker 1:We just don't understand the choice. We don't know the motivation of the choice, but it was a choice. We just don't understand the choice.
Speaker 2:We don't know the motivation of the choice, but it was a choice somebody made very specifically. Yeah, okay, boom, boom, boom, boom boom. So let's see what happens. Okay, shit Lost and found, he's dead. The priest killed him. They have sunglasses. Dave Bautista sees the dead trading post woman. He's mad, he's almost crying. She's alive.
Speaker 1:Do you remember what he says? Nope, he says something to the effect of you call yourselves followers of God. What kind of God is this? It is one of the worst delivered lines I've ever seen. I love him to death. And then he says that. And then we cut to the enforcer lady, who is a far worse actor than dave batista, and she proves it in this moment. And she says something to the lines of a vengeful one and like a weird smile on her face, and it was the, the 13 seconds of that scene. I'm gonna make a post. I'm gonna do an Instagram post on this, just so you know. It's the worst acting I've ever seen in my entire life. That that back and forth it takes seven to ten seconds. It's so bad that it should be taught in schools of, like, what not to do. It was ridiculous Anyhow. And then the lady's alive and then they kill her.
Speaker 2:Yeah. They kill her and then somehow our people start shooting all their guns, and the other bad guys don't have guns.
Speaker 1:Because I'll tell you what happens. So the enforcer lady has a gun. She turns her back on Dave Bautista, who just earlier in the film got guns in his hands in less than a millisecond. But she turns her back, aims at the lady, shoots her in the head. All Dave does is say no, as opposed to take action, which is ridiculous. Alice moves.
Speaker 2:And then Alice moves and starts beating people up I think alice kicks her and grabs both of her guns, something like that yeah, I don't know, and then it's ridiculous, none of the church. Guys have guns and so they keep shooting them. They're trying to shoot the enforcer lady, but guys keep throwing themselves are you sure it's not the same guy? No, it's a jump back and forth. It might be the same actor, I don't know.
Speaker 1:It's so weird. It's such a weirdly shot scene. It's just like a single shot Of the enforcer Right, but then, alternately from left to right, there's a guy that jumps in front bullet, jumps in front bullet. It is the weirdest thing I've ever seen, and I'm sure they're different guys, but I thought it would be much funnier if it was the same guy each time and he would collect bullet holes as he's going like seven bullets and then he's just finally going to die. It was just very weird, it's very interesting.
Speaker 2:And the first Road Warrior movie yeah, mel Gibson, mel Gibson, yeah, yeah, they only had so much money and so many vehicles, so I believe they would keep reusing the same dudes in some of the same vehicles even though they'd been killed or dealt with as a kid, you were like okay, and then you're like, eh, whatever.
Speaker 1:I don't care. This movie's too good to worry about that kind of shit. You're right about that.
Speaker 2:Um, those movies we're gonna finish this scene in one second, but we have to stop for a second because the enforcer lady on the train has the sexy shirtless guy who. Who shovels the uh, shovels the coal on the train. And it's the same guy from Rebel Moon that doesn't wear a shirt.
Speaker 1:Wait, you're kidding. It's the same actor, same actor. Good for him, you know.
Speaker 2:It's not the same actor, it just looks the same. Oh, come on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I mean, it's the same scene, right?
Speaker 2:It's the same character. You're just saying it's the same person.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, listen, you got to have a sexy shirtless guy shoveling coal. Who else is going to do it? I mean you don't want this guy topless shoveling coal, all sweaty and hairy. That would be disgusting, no, one would like that movie.
Speaker 2:So they get on the thing and they start going across. A thousand of the priests are on there, so it'd be interesting to count how many bad priests they throw off of this thing, because it's like 50. It's like just way too many, so they're throwing them off. And then finally the bad guys are all like well, maybe we should shoot the cables. They shoot one of the cables, then they shoot the other cable and then this bus goes eeeewww, crashes into the thing.
Speaker 1:They both survive that without? Yeah, because it's fine. They're fine. I think it's because the wheels hit. The wheels hit, so it cushions the blow, those old wheels.
Speaker 2:Magical wheels. And then she's all like climb, and then they start climbing.
Speaker 1:Hold on, he lands on his feet, by the way. So the bus falls from horizontal to vertical and Batista just rotates and lands on his feet on the bottom of the bus.
Speaker 2:Which is what you would want to do. Hey, it's pretty cool. He's like a cat. They climb out and the bad lady gets out a rifle, shoots. Batista goes for the next shot. Alice looks through the thing and uses her illusion magic. I like that.
Speaker 1:That was a good solution. That was a good solution. Terrible gun control. You know what I mean. She should know not to look at Alice through the scope.
Speaker 2:She should just keep shooting, batista.
Speaker 1:You need to just start low. The one thing I can't do is look at Alice through the scope, so I'm going to start low and make my way up. But she just looks directly to is look at Alice through the scope, so I'm going to start low and make my way up. But she just looks directly. Oh, it's Alice.
Speaker 2:I'm dead. Listen to Tony the.
Speaker 1:Hunter Listen.
Speaker 2:I've been hunting a couple of times in my life and I have cried Okay, they cut the cable. She shoots boys.
Speaker 1:She gets witched.
Speaker 2:She gets witched. They nurse Alice. Oh, he pulls the bullet out, then Alice sort of nurses him back to health and Boyce is like why do you do this? Oh no, she's like Boyce, why do you do this? And he's like I like the wind, I like the shadows. When you look up into the clouds you see shapes and those shapes mean something. And she's all like yep.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she says I see them and he's like I knew you'd see it. You and I were alike. Do you see things in the clouds Tony.
Speaker 2:Sure all the time, do you Really?
Speaker 1:Yeah, like birds and lightning.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, Do you look at?
Speaker 1:shapes in the clouds. Yeah, yeah, we used to do that as a game. You know, you'd be like try to make things. You don't actually look up the clouds like holy shit, that's that. But you're like, well, I think it could be that could be that. You know what I mean. Yeah, it's a different vibe than what they're going for. I can't do that.
Speaker 2:You want and look at clouds all day.
Speaker 1:I'm too reality, you know. I'm too reality for the clouds.
Speaker 2:The queen is pregnant. It's Boyce's baby. She smothers the overlord to death with a pillow.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, after she tells the king about Boyce.
Speaker 2:By the way, somebody else put a baby in me. Now I'm going to kill you.
Speaker 1:Now you're dead. That's a really mean thing to do. Just kill. He doesn't need to know that. Just kill him.
Speaker 2:They get to Shadowbane oh, they had horses, and then they actually put the line in there. We're going to take this thing across and then there's plenty of horses on the other side.
Speaker 1:Fresh horses, I believe, is the word he says, which is great.
Speaker 2:Huh, whose house is expensive.
Speaker 1:He said someone had horses on the other side.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I mean a horse is a huge expense.
Speaker 1:Not in this one. There are no expenses as far as I can tell. Did you see a single person buy anything other than Batista's? Or when they give wishes? That's the only thing that costs money in the whole movie so far.
Speaker 2:The train's going to go around. They go and they're going to be in this cooling tower. Oh, this is Shadows Bay. They're in the cooling tower. They're going to need fire. Of course. There's barrels and barrels of oil just laying around.
Speaker 1:It's so weird. This is where we have to hole up for the night. We're gonna need fire, and then there's just 19 barrels of gasoline around or some oil gas I don't know what it is, but what? Why is that there in? Why? What's happening, dan? Explain this to me.
Speaker 2:It gets to be night, the cooling tower lights up with lights for some reason. Didn't understand that at all.
Speaker 1:And it's intentional. It's not like, oh, it's lit up.
Speaker 2:Sequentially, it goes up, we cut outside the tower to watch it light up.
Speaker 1:I have no idea why we're doing this. I have no idea.
Speaker 2:Who is paying that power bill?
Speaker 1:What the fuck? There are no bills in this world. Dan, they probably wished it from Alice earlier on, we just didn't see it.
Speaker 2:So here come the bad guys. They're metal skeleton zombies and I said to myself, as I sit here watching this movie, I'm like, yeah, you're missing the plant zombies in the gorge right now, aren't you?
Speaker 1:Tony, you idiot. Here's the difference, right? What's the difference, tony? The plant monsters were a totally stupid thing in a relatively good movie, and a movie that I was enjoying until I saw the stupid plant monsters. This is a terrible movie that would have been made so much better by cool plant monsters, you know what I mean. And it would have made more sense for the fire, because guess what? Fire doesn't even kill these guys, from what I could tell.
Speaker 2:Doesn't do anything.
Speaker 1:It's just mind tricks.
Speaker 2:They're not doing well. The king of the things shows up, jumps down from the top, choking Alice out, and then Alice like which is him? And then she shoots fire out of her hands Fire, fire, fire, fire. It kills him with that fire. And then we find out later that she had to use a lot of her power magic power to illusion all this and the fire was just an illusion. But if you believe the illusion, then you die from the fire which doesn't make sense because here's the thing he believed it, so he died sure
Speaker 1:he believed it to the point where his body crumbled.
Speaker 1:You can't wish your body to crumble. That doesn't make any sense. They show his skull slowly cave in from being burnt to a crisp. That's not how illusion works. Okay, doesn't make any sense. Number two I got a couple things I got to say about this scene. Scene number two they shoot giant barrels of gasoline and they explode. They like explosions up into the sky. We cut away and show how big these explosions are. They are three to four feet away from these explosions and they are fine. These people don't get hurt by these explosions at all. There's a couple of them. That doesn't make any sense, dan. See, don't get hurt by these explosions at all. There's a couple of them. That doesn't make any sense, dan.
Speaker 2:See the reason Tony's having a problem with this, because when he goes to the beach and they do a marshmallow fire, tony's like oh, your fire's too warm, I'm afraid of the fire.
Speaker 1:So everyone sits in a ring around it and I have to push my chair further away and reach as far as I can to get my marshmallow in the fire, because it is too hot for me to handle I hate the thing I hate, it when, like one side of my face is like sweating and the other side's cold because it's towards the ocean.
Speaker 1:It's I hate fire. I hate fire, but I love cooking things in fire, you know? I mean, the hot dogs on the beach are good too, s'mores. There's a lot of good stuff that comes from fire, but I hate fire itself. And the last thing I'm gonna say about this scene is that this is the third or fourth time that she has had to explain to someone that she is an illusionist. Yeah, and this is why it annoys me, because just say you're an illusionist, don't be. Oh, she's a witch, just be an illusionist. Because she keeps having to tell people no, my power is illusion, it's not real. How many times do I have to tell you this, dave? That's how it felt to me, because she keeps telling him over and over no, I'm an illusionist, I'm an illusionist then she tells some weird story about how she used to live out here and then she could that could.
Speaker 2:The bad guy recognized her yeah, she used to live out here.
Speaker 1:Then she had and she didn't yeah, then she just decided not to, which is fine, doesn't make any sense uh, back in the town we say the overlord is dead, the queen's going to have a baby.
Speaker 2:All hail the queen.
Speaker 1:Very good, nobody wanted to hail until the second in command shot into the sky.
Speaker 2:And then they all got down on their knees. The queen and the patriarch have a convo. He's all like I'm good, but then he calls the train. He's like you better hurry, because we got to blow up this stupid queen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how do these comms work? You think well wire a wire to the tree we do see.
Speaker 2:We do see power lines at times.
Speaker 1:So sure, but how would it be constantly connected to the moving?
Speaker 2:train Telegraph. Yeah, okay, yeah, got it. They get to the fire fields. Someone says you should leave, save yourself. No, turn around. I cannot. I have no choice. Whatever I'm cursed, don't get too close to me. And now.
Speaker 1:Batista is saying that to Alice. By the way. He's saying you should turn back now because he's about to try to kill her. Now they're all huggy. Oh yeah, yeah, no. So they go from barely acquaintances to Batista being head over heels in love with her.
Speaker 2:Is that what it is? He's in love with her.
Speaker 1:He's in love with her because here's the thing he loves the lady in the train yard, the depot Dead lady yeah, she's dead now loves her. He was hooking up with the queen, had a baby with her.
Speaker 2:But indifferent to her.
Speaker 1:Totally indifferent to her Right. And then now he finally found someone that he considers similar to him, because there's that scene with the queen where he's like we could never be together. You know what I am, oh. And so now he finally thinks he found someone, some. I don't know why he thinks that freak, freak because, she's.
Speaker 1:She's literally hunting him so to believe that somehow they're the same and could live together. I don't understand it, but that's how. That's why he's in love with her. He's, you know, he's been through all the other women in the land and now he finally found the one lady he thinks that, you know, he's similar to talk about their chemistry, tony there's none.
Speaker 1:There's no chemistry. Um, I don't know who's, I don't know if that's like, um, it's just bad. Maybe it's the director's fault, let's just. Maybe paul was too jealous. This is what it is right? So Dave Bautista is a relatively charming guy, right? So Mia was obviously crushing on him in real life and Paul was like we cannot get close in this movie at all. Three feet apart, nobody likes each other.
Speaker 2:The queen wants the head of the guard to kill the patriarch. Okay, he'll take care of that shortly. They're on the tracks we can't outrun them. So then they're like we need to do a trick. They leave Mila on the tracks and the train's like we're going to go faster, faster, faster, faster. She runs. Well, turns out that the bridge is out. The train flies over the bridge, crashes into the ground, killing everyone. Shirtless guy and the enforcer, lady Mila, just jumps over there and then Dave catches her easily.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he catches her, even though that doesn't even make sense, because she jumped pretty far away from the railroad. She leapt off that thing. How does he back here catch her going this?
Speaker 2:way doesn't make it gotta go full, mr fantastic stretch armstrong.
Speaker 1:Um, dan, yes, um, okay. So the bad or the whatever, the townspeople they are the only ones with a train right.
Speaker 2:I guess yeah.
Speaker 1:How do they not know that the train ends, the track ends. Oh, they don't come out here, are you sure?
Speaker 2:Why would they come out here?
Speaker 1:Why would they have a train tracks that go all the way out here?
Speaker 2:if they don't go out here? Oh, because the train tracks were built before the end of the world.
Speaker 1:But then why do they have a train? Where are they going? There is only one human settlement.
Speaker 2:I mean, if there was a giant plague and everybody died, there'd still be the trains and the cars and everything laying around and sundresses.
Speaker 1:But they have a walkie-talkie system. They've built this train. My point is it's their train. It's not like they find a random train and get on it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we built the train and then they inherited the train after the apocalypse. It's an inherited train. They didn't built the train and then they inherited the train after the apocalypse. It's an inherited train.
Speaker 1:They didn't build the train, no, but they're using.
Speaker 2:Listen they have nowhere to go. Yeah, they tell this.
Speaker 1:So you're saying they've just been keeping a train just in case they ever have to go to the Lost Lands for no reason, because there are no other humans anywhere. Yeah, that dude's like the coal dude's like the cold.
Speaker 2:It's like, yeah, I'm working out, I got to get ready, I've been waiting 25 years to get my chance at running this train.
Speaker 1:I'm not messing this up. Oh, I'm so good at shoveling coal. That's why he's so enthused. It just doesn't make any fucking sense. I'm sorry, Um.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry the head of the guard goes to kill the patriarch. I enjoyed this. He's like stab Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab. He has a lot of stabs, a lot of stabbing.
Speaker 1:I wrote down something about Julius Caesar. I made a joke and I'm not going to read it. But they stab him a bunch of times Just like a ton.
Speaker 2:What's your Juliusius caesar joke? I don't know.
Speaker 1:I always I said, uh, butthole, I know if I just wrote they cut him up like a julius caesar salad. That's all I said. Uh, but yeah, they, they just just keep on stabbing him.
Speaker 2:That is such a terrible joke. Um, so they get there. I thought he lived in a cave, but he lives in a boat I don't know I I was confused they're all huggy and they're silver. And then gray alice is like let me put on my wolverine claws, they're silver and he's.
Speaker 1:so. One little note he's been holding his arm because it's hurting and you're like, oh, it's because of the bullet, it's not.
Speaker 2:Oh, is he holding his arm.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he keeps like scratching at it and kind of holding it and you're like what's? What's going on? Is he infected? But it turns out there's just silver inside of it.
Speaker 2:She poisoned it. We'll find out about that Rainstorm. Full moon he's the wolf I'm like oh, I see, that makes sense. I was oblivious.
Speaker 1:Does it make sense, though. Why is he leaving her there to kill her?
Speaker 2:Let me rephrase why that makes sense. Oh, okay, sure, because this is ostensibly a third act-ish. Yeah, it's really too late to introduce a third act-ish. Yeah, it's really too late to introduce a new character. Okay, that's why it makes sense.
Speaker 1:You're like oh okay, Sure, yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:It's too late to you know. I don't want to meet this Sardar person. Yeah, she already knows, and then she gets like angry at him.
Speaker 1:Yep, she's like you lied to me.
Speaker 2:You brought me here to kill me. How dare you? It's like, but you knew, and then he's all like. I tried to warn you and she's all like.
Speaker 1:I'm mad at you and then, which is true though he did he kept telling her hey, go away. And she's like no, no, don't worry, I already know what's happening. And then she's mad about typical you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Oh women, oh yeah women. Us poor men, us poor victim men that are always getting victimized they were planning on murdering her.
Speaker 1:Oh, how dare she now we have. It's just, it's such a weird scene I her getting mad is weird I was just like what is happening about it and being like I already knew, I outsmarted you. Great, that makes perfect sense, but her being emotionally hurt by it is super confusing.
Speaker 2:It was super weird. Now we have my favorite scene in the movie, which is to say the thing I'm like, what is happening? She throws the watch at him and just bounces off of him. Yeah, but we follow it.
Speaker 1:We follow the watch. It means something to someone of him. I'm like what, yeah, but we follow it. We follow the watch. It means something to someone, dan, I don't know what it is, but it's a huge deal in this movie and I do not know why, but we see it in slow motion. We throw the watch. It's coming at him, oh, it hits him and then just falls off. And we still follow the watch all the way to the ground. Doink, I don't know why. I don't know what's going on.
Speaker 2:It must be in the story. The watch must be in the story. It must mean something.
Speaker 1:If the watch was made up just for the movie, I will lose my mind.
Speaker 2:And then she either throws illusionary ravens at him or she becomes an illusionary giant raven.
Speaker 1:No, dan. No, she's an illusionist. It's an illusion, bird, okay.
Speaker 2:But is it a bunch of them or is it just one big one?
Speaker 1:It's just one big one. I think it was just one big swooper. Oh okay, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Then she guts him and he falls down and she ties him up and she nurses him back to health and then she's all like we're the same. We're two of two of a kind. We are two of a kind two but not really, not really, you know and then we cut and then he's covered in giant chains. Is that an illusion? Are the chains a giant? Are they an illusion?
Speaker 1:no, I think those chains are real. I think those are real life chains. Where'd she get these chains from? Tony, you're right, you probably aren't an illusion, it's fake and he just thinks it's real. So he's probably just laying on the ground, just stretched out, and he's like he could move at any time, but he can't do it, giant chains.
Speaker 2:So um, Boys and chains. And then we find out that I learned all of your weaknesses while we were on the trip and what?
Speaker 1:what were those? No, do you know. Okay, was it the bird? Is he scared of birds?
Speaker 2:I don't know, I missed it.
Speaker 1:If he is scared of birds, I'm so scared I thought maybe it was the loneliness and she was like pretending to like him, but it turns out she did like him. So I just I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know if that, if that, if this was, if we were in the movie, I'd be like, okay, what, what do we got with tony afraid of the ocean? Sure, yep, afraid of fire yeah, big time snakes.
Speaker 1:snakes are bad spiders. Big time spiders are also Walked into my first spider web of the season. Yesterday, by the way, on the way to work, I was like shit it's coming, not excited about this.
Speaker 2:What am I afraid of? Tony, You've been paying attention on the trip.
Speaker 1:Love.
Speaker 2:That's it, that's the one Love, compassion, fish, compassion.
Speaker 1:Fish, compassion yeah, movies that Emotionally manipulate you. You're afraid of them. That's all I got. I don't know what are you afraid?
Speaker 2:of Fish. I'm not afraid of anything. What are you crazy?
Speaker 1:You're not afraid of anything. Let's watch a Pixar movie, you big baby.
Speaker 2:You've made a real Emotional connection, that's why you eat pizza.
Speaker 1:You're damn right, you are. Maybe some truth to that.
Speaker 2:Okay, he's chained up. We find out that during the trip she cut him open and put silver in him.
Speaker 1:She put it in the bullet hole when she was sewing him up. She put silver in the hole and then sewed it into his arm.
Speaker 2:I don't normally say these kind of things, but that's a bitch ass thing to do.
Speaker 1:I mean, it's pretty cowardly. He's asleep.
Speaker 2:He's all like okay, you're a witch and you're dumb, I'm going to give you my wish, my wish is I want to be together with you.
Speaker 1:What? Where did that come from?
Speaker 2:Because he's in love with her.
Speaker 1:His he's in love, that's his biggest wish of the movie he's in love with her. He's in love. They're hugging. When did they?
Speaker 2:30 seconds ago, that's when it happened, it was like oh wait, I love you two scenes ago.
Speaker 1:They were all like no, I know it's. I'm sorry that's too much of a leap for me.
Speaker 2:It's too much. And then she's like he's like, name your price. I don't know what the price was. What was the price?
Speaker 1:She said it comes with the price. What was the price? His death. Oh, he has to die and come back to life so they can be together.
Speaker 2:So she skins him alive, Skins him alive. The next morning she leaves the watch on a rock.
Speaker 1:On the pebbles. It's his gravestone. That's a pile of his dead body, and on top is a watch the watch.
Speaker 2:Maybe the watch brings him back to life. Maybe that's what it was, I think it's the watch.
Speaker 1:You think it's the magic watch.
Speaker 2:I think it's the magic watch, Because when the well hold on. So this will be my pitch on the watch. She rides back. How long does it take her to ride back?
Speaker 1:30, 45 seconds. That's about it. Minutes Tops.
Speaker 2:The slaves are rebelling. Down with the overlord, down with the church. She somehow just walks in, goes up to the queen's chamber, gives her his werewolf skin.
Speaker 1:And so then what we said at the beginning she doesn't want to use his werewolf skin to become a werewolf, because I guess, she believed that there was a Sardor out there, and so she thought that she was going to go kill a different werewolf, which doesn't make a ton of sense, because she knows that Batista is a werewolf, but she probably thought, from what I can tell, there's only one werewolf in the world okay, she's the queen she doesn't know that you're right there, right, so she's like I'm not using that.
Speaker 2:And then the sunlight hits the werewolf skin and it goes sparkle, sparkle, sparkle. Then the sparkles fly through space and time back to where the watch is and I guess where his body is, and then it brings him back to life Because of the magic of the watch. So basically, it's the same as Dungeons and Dragons. That's a whatever you know like a raised head. It's a raised head, raised head. Watch, no, raised head watch?
Speaker 1:I don't think so.
Speaker 2:And here's why I don't think it raised dead watch.
Speaker 1:Maybe it's, maybe it's a, maybe it's that thing in harry potter, the thing that makes time go.
Speaker 2:The her little thing that she can be in like two places at once, because she can turn back time a little.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, I, that's what it's problem solved, it's either a that's not.
Speaker 2:That's not solved, it's either dungeons and dragons, or it's harry potter 3 it's either a, that's not. That's not solved it's either dungeons and dragons or it's harry potter.
Speaker 1:3 it's neither. And let me tell you why, dan because they over explain every single thing in this movie and they don't talk about this watch. One time, not not a one time does this watch get a talking about, which is ridiculous. Also, you know what we have to do, dan. I made a promise at the beginning of this podcast that we did not pay off, because her nickname is the witch who will not be hanged, and every time they cut to the grandmaster church guy, his whole plan is to find the witch and then hang her. He says it a dozen times.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Her nickname is the witch who will not be hanged, and his plan is to hang her. Yeah, because he's got God on his side. Obviously not. She escaped the first time. It's just a weird have a different way of killing her.
Speaker 2:Well, you see, that's the thing, tony, I think this movie's the thing. This movie's very irreligious and I think his whole point is that God has no power. That's why that guy's saying I'm going to hang you and she's all like, no, you can't hang me.
Speaker 1:I'm the witch. Why does he just say shoot her, oh, because he she can't be hanged. It's her name Hang the witch who will not be hanged.
Speaker 2:I don't believe If you ask like a God person, person who believes in God, they're going to be like my. God can do whatever your magic. No good here. And this guy, I think Paul WS Anderson, believes that church people are just talking out their butts. The real magic is true. That's what I think.
Speaker 1:Okay, listen, I'll buy. I'll buy the the notion that he has to prove to the masses that the witch who cannot be hanged will be hanged.
Speaker 2:I can, I can buy into that. This is a very anti-religious text. Well, that's true, yeah.
Speaker 1:He's very other than the werewolves you?
Speaker 2:Well, that's true, other than the werewolves. You know I'm kidding.
Speaker 1:Um.
Speaker 2:The cream cries about boys. He was a beast. You betrayed me. And then somebody gets stabbed.
Speaker 1:She stabs the second in command, her boyfriend.
Speaker 2:Oh, she stabs her boyfriend.
Speaker 1:Why did?
Speaker 2:she stab her boyfriend at this point Because he's yeah, she's like mad at this point.
Speaker 1:Because he's yeah, she's mad at him.
Speaker 2:Oh because he did the bonus wish.
Speaker 1:That screwed up her wish. He did the counter wish yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the people revolt, they kill the queen. Boyce's skin burns up in the sunlight. The sparks fly to the watch. Boyce is alive. She explains that she skinned him alive and then he's like he comes. He rides back and then he's pointing the gun at her and he's all like I'm gonna kill you. Why is he gonna kill her?
Speaker 1:I not only. Why is he gonna kill her? This is the first scene of the movie. This is a callback to the original, the opening of the movie. He's got big cuts on his face, he's got the scars from where he was skinned alive, and now it's back together. Maybe she took his face off too.
Speaker 2:I don't know.
Speaker 1:Maybe like, but then why is it back?
Speaker 2:Wouldn't that be cool if they'd have shown on the skin like his face?
Speaker 1:Just like coming back.
Speaker 2:No, no, no.
Speaker 1:Like you. You know, on the skin that she brought back, there's like, there's like the dave batista face. Oh, it's like a rubber mask, like mission impossible style. Yeah, yeah, um, okay. So he is telling the story to alice why, exactly why. So the opening of the movie when he's like I'm gonna tell you a story, but it's not a happy ending, right, that scene.
Speaker 2:Is this scene, so that makes sense.
Speaker 1:He is telling Alice the story. Why does that make sense? She knows.
Speaker 2:But you see he's saying she knows the whole story. But he's saying this isn't a fair. You know, you came to me, lady Nope, but then Nope, he said no. He's like he said no, not this time. Too many women have used poor Tim.
Speaker 1:Bautista's character? Not a single one. It's the other way around, bautista, you're a bad guy.
Speaker 2:You are a philanderer, sir. He's been used.
Speaker 1:And then he goes, do you like my story? And she says no, because I don't know how it ends. Why?
Speaker 2:doesn't? She know how it ends, she knows the future. Actually, she should say your story is wrong because I know the ending right sure, sure, that's great.
Speaker 1:But instead she says even though I see I have premonitions, I don't know how the story ends.
Speaker 2:And then she does know how it ends you're gosh darn right.
Speaker 1:She does, but that's not what she says. Hey, tony, hey.
Speaker 2:Tony. Tony, yes, your microphone and your shirt are the same color and so blends in. I know it blends in. I've been I've never noticed that. Have you ever worn that shirt before?
Speaker 1:no, I've yeah and I never will again I it's pretty funny like that blends in?
Speaker 2:yeah, oh sorry, did I messed up? What were you saying? You weren't saying anything important, were you? No, that's okay.
Speaker 1:I've been thinking about it a lot today too. I just noticed it.
Speaker 2:Because that's what my wife's always like.
Speaker 1:You are the least observant person on the planet and I'm like sometimes you things too closely, that's true, okay, all I'm saying is it doesn't make any sense. There's no reason for him to be telling her the story.
Speaker 2:So he's all like I'm going to shoot you now. And she's all like you're going to misfire, that's why we're going to fall in love. And it misfires. And he's all like, if she knows it's going to misfire, I guess I love her.
Speaker 1:Then what? It doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 2:I can't handle it, because it misfired.
Speaker 1:Then why was he in a shooter?
Speaker 2:To prove that he's the man I can't, but he's not the man I can't with this movie. She's the man.
Speaker 1:That's a great movie. We should watch that movie. I love that movie. It just doesn't make any sense. And then the best part of this whole movie, Dan. There's a best part of this whole movie, Dan.
Speaker 2:There's a best part of this movie.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, they both pull knives on each other, do they? And they get each other by the throats Really. And then they laugh what Okay?
Speaker 2:I do not believe this happened in the movie.
Speaker 1:You need to rewatch in this movie there are three cliches in a row to end this movie. So they laugh Freeze frame on the laugh fame, but they're still laughing freeze frame, and then that's. You know, that's a cliche. And then we cut to them riding into the sunset together, cliche number two, back to back.
Speaker 2:It is insane what's happening I don't think my copy had that knife part. I got the edit.
Speaker 1:We watched the same movie. Dan, I bought it. Maybe, maybe this is the worst movie I may have ever seen. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. This was bad. This was a really bad one. It was bad.
Speaker 2:Anything else to say about this great movie.
Speaker 1:I think I've been mean enough. I apologize everybody.
Speaker 2:Tony, you're pretty harsh. This is a bad movie, you know they're just trying to spend $55 million on making something beautiful.
Speaker 1:There are so many better ways to spend $55 million than this piece of shit. At least people got paid in Hollywood I hope they got a good paid day, because they're not getting residuals, that's for sure.
Speaker 2:Now we're talking about something we like this week. I think we watch this on BBC, BBC, BBC whatever you know, it's that you love British television. They're us before we were we. It's called the Stolen Girl.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to say anything about it.
Speaker 2:It's about a stolen girl. You know we said it. Ah, you already ruined it At the beginning. You know, we have the car driving and there's a girl in the trunk.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Stolen Some good stuff. It's good. Yeah, it's fun. Okay, it was like a whole show. Oh, oh.
Speaker 1:So a lot like watching this movie. Yeah, lots of twists and turns. What do you got for us, tony? You're not going to like my answer, but it is NFL Draft Weekend, so I've been watching the draft, and then I also watched the greatest film of all time Kevin Costner's Draft Day. It's a tradition.
Speaker 2:That's like a newish movie right.
Speaker 1:It's like 2016,. I think Something like that. It's about the end of draft. It's a guilty pleasure. People hate it. I love it.
Speaker 2:I've never seen that and I've never seen the money ball hole.
Speaker 1:Okay, I've never seen that and I've never seen the Moneyball. Okay, so I Personally Enjoy Draft Day more than Moneyball. Moneyball much better movie.
Speaker 2:Moneyball's like a good movie.
Speaker 1:You should see Moneyball. It's a good movie. However, having said that, draft Day way, way, way better. I love Draft Day. It's cheesy, it's fun. Kevin Costner, jennifer Gardner, dennis Leary, a great cameo by tom welling superman I mean unbelievable stuff started watching that the goofy movie you.
Speaker 1:What do you mean? You started it. You stopped it at some point. Didn't seem like a movie. I will kill you. I will reach across the screen and I will beat you to a palm. I'll throw a snake at you through the screen. What are you talking about? It's a musical. It's a movie. It's one of the greatest films of all time, without a doubt. I could sing every song in that movie cover to cover right now if you wanted me to.
Speaker 2:I cannot believe you. We need another movie. It's my turn.
Speaker 1:You didn't finish it, oh no, you're missing some great emotional beats between Max and Goofy. There are tears to come, dan.
Speaker 2:A lot of weird animal people with weird teeth. I don't like that.
Speaker 1:The Goofs. Of course they got weird teeth. You got real problems, Dan. You got your. I'm upset. You can't be friends anymore.
Speaker 2:I don't know what this movie is. It was on my list. I was like it's a great stuff, Different than what we've been doing, so I'm like we're going to try something different. Mix it up, let's do it I had one that was kind of like what we had this week. I had one that was kind of like the one we did last week. I'm like, nah, I was gonna pick this movie, uh I love it I read it.
Speaker 2:I read the synopsis. I'm like it's two percent. Two percent uh brought to me as two percent uh critics. I think it had 30 something maybe okay, maybe audience between 20 and 30 audience not great the in crowd from the year 2000 the in crowd.
Speaker 2:That's a band that I like a lot I guess some woman gets out of an asylum or something and then goes and ingratiates herself. I'm sorry, what I think. This is what it said psychiatric. She gets out of a psychiatric hospital and ingratiates herself into some rich community, and yeah, and then makes their lives.
Speaker 1:I'm reading it right now.
Speaker 2:That's pretty much what it looks like a horror, you know, like a horror thriller, whatever great.
Speaker 1:So I'm like that's gonna be different than what we've been doing.
Speaker 2:Gotta go. I mean, spaceman was great, you know spaceman, that was very enjoyable talking about Spaceman and you know.
Speaker 1:I mean, this is weird.
Speaker 2:Whatever you want to say about Spaceman is. There are things to think about after Spaceman. You know whether they're successful, a successful movie or not, you know. You could. You could have a big debate about using the spider Right. You could be like I enjoyed this movie more if it wasn't a spider, and you know what was the spider. Did the spider really mean something? Was it an illusion? Was it real? Was this? Was that you could talk about?
Speaker 1:that because Was it Gray Alice? Illusion.
Speaker 2:Did she turn into a lot of birds or one bird? I couldn't figure out.
Speaker 1:I still don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't figure out a lot of birds. I still don't know I don't know the answer to that the amount of birds she became. Why'd she become a bird? Was he afraid of birds?
Speaker 1:He's gotta be afraid of the birds. She says I found your weaknesses. Birds are his weakness Because birds kill snakes. There you go, see, I solved it.
Speaker 2:I'm sure there's something in the story about why she becomes a bird.
Speaker 1:I like that. You think that there's more in the story that they're just not using. I feel like the story is probably not making a lot of sense. How long is it I'm going to read it.
Speaker 2:It can't be too long, because it's in a book with like 13 other stories or something, I think. Oh, okay, it was in like an anthology. It wasn't like. It was in like an anthology.
Speaker 1:It wasn't like oh yeah, okay yeah, there's no way, there's more information in there.
Speaker 2:Break out your thesaurus, Tony, and find that story.
Speaker 1:Because he talks very flowery language, it's hard to follow.
Speaker 2:Have you read any of his other books?
Speaker 1:Game of.
Speaker 2:Thrones, game of Thrones.
Speaker 1:Have you read those? Yeah, unfortunately they're pretty bad. No, they're very good books. They're very boring they're very boring I am. So what I've learned is I don't love high fantasy. It's just not my thing. Like I'm not, I love urban fantasy. That's where I'm at, you know oh is harry potter urban fantasy harry potter would be urban fantasy, the dresden files.
Speaker 1:That's my favorite book series of all time. It's great. Made its way to the tv for one season on the sci-fi channel. It was okay, I enjoyed it. They canceled it really quickly, but uh, great, great book series did you watch all the wheel of times tv shows? We watched the first season of wheel of time and decided that it wasn't worth our time, but I would like to go back and finish it. There's just a lot. There's a lot of TV to watch.
Speaker 2:Did you watch all the new Lord of the Rings ones?
Speaker 1:Rings of Power. Yeah, we did do that because she loves.
Speaker 2:Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 1:Good. I've never been a huge fan, except for the Two Towers. Lord of the Rings. The two towers the video game for PlayStation two, is one of the best games of all time, easily the best movie adaptation ever.
Speaker 2:There it is, so we're going to do the in crowd 2000. The 2000 version is an earlier version from like 88 or something, which I'm assuming is a different movie.
Speaker 1:I hope so. Yeah, the 2001 thriller mystery, I got it. I got a locked and loaded right here the Mystery I like to call it.
Speaker 2:Okay, got it. If you like what you heard or saw or heard, leave us a comment or thumbs up or questions or subscriptions.
Speaker 1:Leave us some subscriptions.
Speaker 2:I wonder if you still think I guess we get Vanity Fair in the mail.
Speaker 1:You get Vanity Fair in the mail. Yeah, the magazine. Oh yeah, I haven't gotten a magazine in a long time. Although Entertainment Weekly Kept sending me Magazines for years After I cancelled my subscription and was not paying, I made sure every year when it started coming I was like I'm not paying. Nothing came out of my account, so there was probably three or four years that I was just getting free EWs and reading them in the bathroom.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, we probably got in vanity for 15 years, and I think maybe Shannon's mom had bought us her subscription one year, sure, but for years, years we've been getting Definitely not still yeah.
Speaker 1:Definitely not still, they don't keep great track of that.
Speaker 2:We used to get the New Yorker, but the New Yorker comes every week and it's just too much.
Speaker 1:It's a lot. No, that's a ton of paper.
Speaker 2:It is the best writing that exists on the planet, but it's a lot.
Speaker 1:Obviously, you don't remember Nintendo Power, the greatest magazine of all time. Okay, I see.
Speaker 2:Okay, so we'll be back next week talking about the In Crowd. Hope you have a good week and we'll maybe see you then.
Speaker 1:Goodbye everybody, Bye-bye. It's like watching hell.