Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching Conan The Barbarian: Epic Fails in Fantasy Cinema
Step into the chaotic realm of *Conan the Barbarian* (2011) as we dissect the questionable choices that left audiences bewildered. With Jason Momoa at the forefront, the film boasted a hefty budget but struggled to deliver more than spectacular visuals. We explore how the plot muddied character arcs, particularly in the lackluster relationship dynamics, leaving viewers puzzled and unsatisfied. The podcast dives into memorable moments, such as the infamous human catapult scene, while lamenting the potential that was never fully realized. As we meander through the highs and lows, we reflect on the lessons learned from its shortcomings, solidifying *Conan* as a case study in fantasy film misfires. Tune in for our humorous analysis and decide for yourself whether it's worth a watch! Don’t forget to subscribe and share your thoughts with us!
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I'm sorry, dan, I do nothing. I'm gonna need a breakdown.
Speaker 2:I thought my audio playback wasn't on yet. Welcome to Hate Watching with Dan and.
Speaker 1:Drinky Tony, I'm so thirsty.
Speaker 2:Um, you're supposed to say I'm Tony.
Speaker 1:Oh, I'm Tony. Well, I'm thirsty though you set it up and I just was yes-anding, oh yes-anding, actually, that was more of just a.
Speaker 2:Yes, wasn't really an, and I'm rusty you rarely and, tony, I don't like to and I like status quo.
Speaker 1:I'll agree with you and that's about as far as I'm willing to go?
Speaker 2:Yes, then listen to my point.
Speaker 1:That's how our show works. I've done some yes buts. I'm not going to lie to you.
Speaker 2:That's serious. On this show, we watch a movie, then we talk about the movie. This week I got to pick the movie and I was like I'm gonna do this one movie and then I was like no, I'm not gonna do that, I'm gonna do another movie. And the movie I decided to do was conan the barbarian 2011.
Speaker 1:Jason momoa 3d spectacular was this released in 3d?
Speaker 2:yeah, oh man, I wish I would have watched it in 3D it couldn't have hurt it well, I mean it also.
Speaker 1:When would they have really used the 3D? I guess the octopus monster would have been 3D octopus monster.
Speaker 2:There's the one scene where the guy gets dragged behind the cart into a boulder that was one of my favorite parts of the whole movie.
Speaker 1:The human catapult. I bet that something in that would have liked to have seen. That was one of my favorite parts of the whole movie. Oh, and the human catapult. I bet that something in that would have happened three-dimensionally right.
Speaker 2:That's true. They human catapulted that guy. I think it was a trebuchet, but you can say catapult. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:I've never heard of the word trebuchet, so I'm not going to be using it on this podcast.
Speaker 2:I think a catapult's usually like a fixed thing where you pull it back and it goes boink. But a trebuchet uses a weight that goes whoop and spins around.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, Interesting To me both catapults.
Speaker 2:And a ballista is a giant thing that shoots arrows. It's like a giant crossbow is a ballista. Yeah, I know that from video games. Oh, do you have ballistas in your video? Games yeah, civilization, yeah, for sure, for sure you got to build up some of those along with your military troops, and then go crush some people. So yes, Conan 2011 3D we did not watch it in 3D yeah, what a bummer Conan in 2D so much worse. Hour and 52 minutes. Game of Thrones came out in 2011.
Speaker 2:So the same year, same year as this, and Jason Momoa and.
Speaker 1:Daniel. Bow Interesting, so I wonder when each of them filmed. So it seems like he gets cast before you know.
Speaker 2:We only know Jason from Game of Thrones. Initially right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that surprises me. I assumed this was based off of Call, but uh, cal Drogo I believe is his name.
Speaker 2:Oh, Cal Drogo Sure. Is it Cal Sure? I?
Speaker 1:but uh called drogo. I believe it's cal drogo, sure? Is it cal, sure? I don't know? Uh, game of thrones, but I if. Yeah, maybe it's not, maybe this somehow, maybe he went to the audition on the same day, because they're basically the same part and they're just like great, we like you for this and this. We'll just sign you up yeah, because he sort of.
Speaker 2:sometimes you look at him and you're like I don't see the look, and then sometimes you look at him and you're like oh, there's the look.
Speaker 1:Sure, sure, yeah, not a lot under the surface, I don't know We'll talk about it.
Speaker 2:This movie was in Nightmare Turnaround Hell spent 10 years at Warner Brothers. Brett Ratner was involved and just like a million different real names were involved in this, and then we ended up with a couple of who-knows-us people. Sure, I guess. Yeah, I think it was 10 years at Warner Brothers and then they switched to $1 million a year to lock it down, so you'd have to give the rights holders Okay, I was like who do they give that money to? I mean I assume it's the Robert E Howard estate, right.
Speaker 1:Okay, sure you ever read those books, by the way, yeah me neither.
Speaker 2:I read some of them, maybe when I was young Not Conan maybe some of the, the, the John Carter of Mars. Then I picked up a John Carter of Mars one and did not get far.
Speaker 1:Oh, interesting, okay yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm not as good at reading as I used to be and, yeah, you know I'm old.
Speaker 1:I, yeah, I like, I like reading, but you know I'm old yeah.
Speaker 2:I like reading, but I'll just tell you right now I've been reading the same book for four months.
Speaker 1:That's a while, it's a long time. Also, I haven't read it in about three weeks, you know. And then I'll like every once in a while just be like, oh shit, I haven't read in a while. I guess I'll read a chapter and then just one chapter, and then I'm like, okay, that was nice, and now I'll do it again in a couple weeks. I don't know, I don't know what's going on.
Speaker 2:But do you remember what's going on in the book?
Speaker 1:No, definitely not. I always have to like. When I start reading I'm like, oh wait, what was going on? So then I kind of skim a little bit and then I read the know. I got real problems.
Speaker 2:You know, it's kind of like, you know, like we were talking whatever. We did that one movie where then you left. So I watched half of the movie.
Speaker 1:Oh I think it was.
Speaker 2:Freejack and then you left and I looked at my notes. I couldn't decipher them, and that's where my brain is. You know it all. Within four or five days, it's just gone. Gone, just mush. The other person that was up for Conan was Kellen Lutz.
Speaker 1:Who got Hercules? Who did that terrible Hercules movie? Oh, when did that come out? Was that the same time? I don't know.
Speaker 2:But thinking back on it, that Kellen Lutz Hercules movie, it was a better movie.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's true, but I don't think I liked Kellen Lutz better. You know what I mean. So they made the right choice. They just made a worse movie. Sometimes that happens, okay so. The Legend of Hercules came out in 2014. So it was a couple years after this one came. So they were able to watch this and be like, okay, well, we're not doing that, let's fix everything wrong, okay.
Speaker 2:Those guys had a chance to learn from all of Conan's mistakes. I don't know if I'd say all of Conan's mistakes, I would just say the three mistakes they made because that's about it.
Speaker 1:What do you got?
Speaker 2:The movie.
Speaker 1:What mistakes?
Speaker 2:The whole movie.
Speaker 1:That's the mistake. I don't know if that counts. That's a little too big. Let's see If I was going to say the three mistakes of this movie.
Speaker 2:That's the mistake. I don't know if that counts. That's a little too big. I mean, let's see If I was going to say the three mistakes of this movie, just randomly going anywhere for no real reasons Sure yeah. Not to have Conan ever have any companionship whatsoever for the most part. What's that about? He has sex, no, but I mean, oh look, Tony's so proud of his joke, he had sex. Well, I'm laughing.
Speaker 1:Crushed it.
Speaker 2:It always feels like there's no interaction. Right, there's no push and pull, there's just well. I rode a horse here and then I did a thing. There's no obstacles really to what he does.
Speaker 1:Just to piggyback on that real quickly. So he fights the bad guy. We'll go, we'll go more at the end you mean at the end there's like a second to last battle where conan gets the shit kicked out of him, right just gets destroyed, they jump off the thing, they get on the boat and the first thing is like I gotta go back and fight that guy without learning any lessons, without training at all. He thing is like I got to go back and fight that guy Without learning any lessons, without training at all.
Speaker 1:He's just like I'm just going to go back and this time I'm going to kick some ass. That doesn't make any sense. What is the difference between that fight and the next fight? There's no difference. No, he would lose twice in a row. That's end of story. He lost, he's dead.
Speaker 2:I don't know. Yeah, well, there's like, and there's at the beginning, he's like he has to do this thing and he kills all these guys and he comes back. Then dad's like now I'll train you to fight you're like right, I think he's doing. Okay, daddy, he's really good, he's really really good at this.
Speaker 1:Hated four men, four or five men something like that it was five, yeah, five.
Speaker 2:I mean yeah, he's only-. He only brought back three of the heads, but-.
Speaker 1:Well, two of them he put on a pike as a warning. You know it's fine, he ate those ones. Well, you get hungry during fighting. You know he's a growing boy, he's got to get his proteins.
Speaker 2:So we start with lots of talking, the Dark Empire of Ashran, the Mask of Bones, which gives you magic bones power. Why?
Speaker 1:is Morgan Freeman giving the story? He's not in the movie.
Speaker 2:Because they had an extra million dollars. They're like how can we waste a million dollars today? I am Morgan Freeman.
Speaker 1:I kept waiting for him to show up to be a part of the story. Who is he to tell me the story? Is he he god? I don't understand. He's not even in the world. It's very strange to me.
Speaker 2:I didn't like that choice at all you know who they had in um one of the, the arnold schwarzenegger ones, they had, uh, wilt chamberlain the basketball player cool. He plays the sexy princess's bodyguard.
Speaker 1:He's gigantic well, that's true, he is big, kind of like how they're doing. Uh, reacher, are you watching reacher yet?
Speaker 2:no, I don't. Yeah, we talked about this last time. You said you stopped. I watched like three of them. I'll probably watch some more.
Speaker 1:I don't get like, oh yeah, that dude is big I'm sure they had to search far and wide to find someone that makes him look small. You don't just make Reacher look small, but that guy is hulking and I love it.
Speaker 2:It's like in wrestling, they have that guy, the big show. And he's just like that guy here is like oh my God, that guy is so fucking big.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's great.
Speaker 2:It's always fun. So we have a mask of bones which they then break apart and spread across the world, and we're like well, there's your plot. You got to put together the mask of bones and you're going to be able to do something with it. First interaction with people they finish the mask of bones.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, they only need one last piece. It's pretty nice, it's pretty easy. I was confused. I mean honestly, I'm confused by all of it.
Speaker 2:I don't know what the mask does. I don't know who they're sacrificing for the mask.
Speaker 1:I don't know why they had to break the mask. I get confused on all of it. But my biggest confusion is didn't they scatter it around their one land?
Speaker 2:They gave one piece to each of the barbarian tribes.
Speaker 1:Right. So like each tribe's just kind of spread out in this land. But then when he comes to conan, conan's, like well, the rest of the land is gonna rise up, but aren't they already dead then? No everybody dead I know I don't understand what's happening they all joined him.
Speaker 2:All the barbarian tribes joined him because he has all those guys there. Remember, at one point he's in the room and there's like four or five guys in there and I think I think each of them was those are just different leaders. That's what I think, okay all right, that was the feeling I got.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right great, I still don't.
Speaker 2:I don't understand so there's, it seems, this about that, but what it's really about is the bad dude's wife got killed by somebody because she could do something, and so he wants to bring her back from the dead, and he can only do that with the mask. And then the correct pure girl.
Speaker 1:Right, and you know, obviously it's a bummer when your wife gets murdered, right, yeah, but isn't it cool that he's able to bring her back to life in a woman who's like eight times hotter than his original wife. I mean, that worked out pretty good for this guy, did you think she was?
Speaker 2:really hot.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, so she is in and now we're going to get into some weird territory. She's in Star Trek and she plays Gamora's roommate. And she's a green girl. She's green and big crush on her. Star Trek, yeah, star Trek, the movie with Chris Pine, oh, she's in.
Speaker 2:Star Trek the movie. Yeah, she plays the movie with Chris Pine. Oh, she's in Star Trek the movie.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she plays the green girl. The green girl, she's barely in it. Dan, you got to go watch the movie.
Speaker 2:Isn't Gamora, the character in?
Speaker 1:Oh, I'm saying yeah, you're absolutely right. Gamora is from Marvel. What is Zoe Saldana? Is that her real name?
Speaker 2:Yeah, she plays Zoe Saldana. She plays Ahura. That's Zoe Saldana.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly so, her roommate in Star Trek, what are you?
Speaker 2:talking about Jesus Christ. So you're saying that the girl in Conan plays the roommate of Zoe Saldana in Star Trek.
Speaker 1:In Star Trek, yes, and she's green Saldana in Star Trek.
Speaker 2:In Star Trek. Yes, and she's green. She's green in Star Trek.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she hooks up with Chris Pine and then she goes and dies Because she's on one of the other ships and they all blow up.
Speaker 2:So, anyhow, this is not a big crush on her. This is like a 30-second character. That's what I'm telling you.
Speaker 1:It's very small, but that was it. It's very small, but that was it. That was enough.
Speaker 2:You like green people and blue people, don't you Tony?
Speaker 1:I do. Yeah, I like the aliens, yeah, but only when they're like very human. You know what I mean. But green and blues and reds, you know it's all very sexy. Oh my goodness, Anyhow, Such a weirdo.
Speaker 2:Okay, so that's so. Each tribe kept the shard. Hyperion Age A child is born of battle.
Speaker 1:Oh, then we get this terrible scene of Conan's mom giving birth to him. No, this is the only good scene in the movie. It made me laugh so hard, Dan. But sorry, continue. Tell the people what happened.
Speaker 2:So she's fighting and then she's like here comes the baby, and then Ron Perlman walks over. Ron doesn't ever seem like he's of the time, perlman no no sure doesn't.
Speaker 2:And she's like dying. And she's like I'm not going to have time to see the baby before I die. He's like, well then, give me your knife and I'll cut you open so you can see the baby before I die. And he's like, well then, give me your knife and I'll cut you open so you can see the baby, and then I'll watch you die he just c-sections her on the battlefield.
Speaker 1:It's crazy. And then he just takes the baby out and gives it to her. It's so, it is so wild. And then, and then he does the the lion kings it and just lifts up the baby and screams and we're just staring at it. But it's possibly the weirdest scene in a movie I've ever seen in my entire life. It's bizarre.
Speaker 2:This movie can be gruesome at times, but there's no fun to any of the gruesomeness.
Speaker 1:Not after this first scene. No Sort of set you up. You're like you know, Battleside C-Sections, You're like Right, you think you know what you're getting into. You're like, okay, this is going to be a ride, and then it's kind of not. They just kind of let it down. That's the most fun. I had the whole movie.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's pretty sad His name is Conan. There it is. Then they live in a village by the river that has one building which has a water wheel, but the rest of it's just kind of tense yeah, yeah, I don't know, you get a little bit of the willow vibe on the town. I got a little willow vibe.
Speaker 1:Well, willow's great though Okay, I still maintain that I thoroughly enjoy willow.
Speaker 2:Well, it's pretty fun. At least they had fun, I mean I can't handle the snowball scene. That was a bridge, too far Bridge too far, Sure sure.
Speaker 1:They barely crossed the line. Good for them.
Speaker 2:Conan is a rambunctious parkour. Youth Parkouring all over the place Gets there, but the kids have to do all the young'uns if they want to go on the battle raid.
Speaker 1:Yeah, tell me what they're doing.
Speaker 2:They gotta put an egg quail egg in their mouth.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And they gotta run over the mountain Without breaking the egg, that's really it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I really thought there was something else going on, because they immediately get attacked. So I thought maybe that was part of I.
Speaker 2:I got very confused I don't think they expected to be attacked in the mountains by the tiger people by the.
Speaker 1:Did you say dino people tiger? I think they're tiger people oh, they're tiger people, I thought they're dinosaurs I don't know, they could be dinosaur people who are they?
Speaker 2:they're one of the other barbarian tribes, but they're even more barbarous like because it of speaking they roar.
Speaker 1:They roar, but not human roars. It's not like a human was on set going like they put in sound effects of dinosaurs when they open their mouths. I love that, which is very confusing.
Speaker 2:It was so weird, it was such a stupid choice, but you're just like well, they committed to it.
Speaker 1:They just kept doing it. Yeah, they went for it. You made a choice and you stuck with it. Good for you, but you should rethink it.
Speaker 2:So most of the kids are all like yeah, dino people, we're going back, going to go around the other way, but Conan's like I'm going to win because I'm the bro. And then he just stabs them in the legs and stabs him in the feet and cuts off their heads and he kills like five guys pretty handily.
Speaker 1:Pretty easily, yeah, and then when he fights his dad, he's terrible at fighting in the next scene.
Speaker 2:Oh is he.
Speaker 1:I'm confused by it all.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So he gets back and he wins and the dad's like he's you know that's. The other thing is he has to be like a disappointment. You have to have some dynamic. His dad's just like you're great, conan, I'm teaching you to fight, I'm making you a sword, you're great yeah, I I didn't understand the vibe of of their relationship.
Speaker 1:To be honest, I like, if he comes back and he's killed a bunch of dudes, you either have to be like proud, you have to make a decision right. You can be proud, scared, you know, like uh oh, something's wrong with this kid, or like I don't know.
Speaker 2:Do you want me to fix it on the day?
Speaker 1:Can you please fix it, because it's driving me crazy.
Speaker 2:It's pretty simple.
Speaker 1:He comes back the egg's broken and so he still gets yelled at he fucked up.
Speaker 2:He fucked up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because he spins out the eggs, like I held the egg of him out the whole time while I was murdering five adult men.
Speaker 2:No, it should have been broken and the dad was like you didn't follow the brief. The brief is the brief right Killing five guys.
Speaker 1:Now that's something I can get behind a father being disappointed, even when you do a great job, that's great. This is confusing.
Speaker 2:I don't know what's going on. Then he trains him how to not break the egg or something you know it gives him some real training, sure, yeah, but instead this way he says to you Conan, you are a great fighter, but you do not pay attention to details.
Speaker 1:Then we have a movie.
Speaker 2:Which is kind of what he says, because you're all fire and you need the balance of fire and ice.
Speaker 1:But I didn't understand why he needed the ice, because the fire just killed five dudes adult dudes.
Speaker 2:He's doing fine. That's the movie is. He has to learn to be ice.
Speaker 1:And when does he do that?
Speaker 2:Not in this movie, but that's what you have to put in. And when does he do?
Speaker 1:that Not in this movie, but that's what you have to put in In my head. You were telling me that's what happens in this movie and I was like Dan, you watched the wrong film, because that doesn't happen at all.
Speaker 2:That's what happened to Kellen Lutz in the Hercules movie. They taught him to be ice After they watched it.
Speaker 1:they're like, oh, okay, I see what you were thinking you were going to do. Let's do that for real, yeah.
Speaker 2:No, and that's what this movie needed. It needed for him to. You know, you got to stop running into the burning building.
Speaker 1:You got to pick up a hose and put it out.
Speaker 2:Whatever it is, he needed to learn a lesson, and then, when he fought the bad guy at the end, the first time he figured, it out.
Speaker 1:He makes a mistake and then figured it out. He makes a mistake and then, when he goes back, he learns from his lesson. But that's not what happens in this movie. What happens in this movie is just like ah, let me try that again. Let me try it again and do the exact same thing, and this time it works.
Speaker 2:We need more spinning wheels and things like that, and that's that's the problem. My big issue is the spinning wheels. Unstable ground. I need to find it.
Speaker 1:Yeah if could I, could I have some granite under my feet please? This is unstable. He's an unstable ground. Oh, he's an unstable league guy. I seriously when he was on sand the first time. You know that's hard. It's hard to run in sand. I don't know if you've ever tried. He got poisoned too, whatever came in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, cheating, there's a bunch of cheaters he blew up a small amount of oil and that was that did. That was too much.
Speaker 1:The bad guy screams and screams at that.
Speaker 2:He's very upset you blow up oil that's over here. That doesn't block my path directly to you well, it's his own personal crude oil. You see, that's gonna use that for my big, my big ship that gets pulled along for an unknowable reason.
Speaker 1:By elephants. Is that what's happening? The elephants are porting the ship for him Like what's going on here?
Speaker 2:Were there elephants.
Speaker 1:I swear to God, there were elephants under that ship at one point. I don't know, man, this movie is weird, I don't want someone with your head.
Speaker 2:Okay, bad guys. Counts back three heads one egg. You know that should comes back Three heads one egg. That should have got Matt in. Why'd you only bring back three heads? You kept five guys. Bring back five heads, five guys. The dad's gonna make him a sword. Sword's gotta bend Fire or ice. You gotta learn. You gotta do fire and ice. Now I'm gonna teach you to fight, but he doesn't teach him, he just teaches him. I don't know.
Speaker 1:He didn't teach him anything. He taught him how to stab ice and sink it. Is that a move?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so the bad guys attack their village? Yeah, they attack, from all directions.
Speaker 1:They overwhelm them easily.
Speaker 2:These guys don't know what's happening. They don't know what's. It's terrible. They got to have a scout come back and say, oh, there's guys coming. And you know we have to realize that this is a lost cause, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Great? No, we don't. We just have a big battle.
Speaker 1:Yeah well, a big messy battle. The choreography of the fights is very disappointing to me and I don't totally understand it. There's a point in this battle where Conan is screaming Dad and the dad is screaming Conan, but they're apparently nowhere near each other. Don't know, can't tell.
Speaker 1:Eventually he finds his dad in a hut. I thought they were calling to each other to draw each other together and then Conan would see his dad get shot with an arrow and then it would be emotional. That doesn't happen. They're apparently on opposite sides just yelling. I don't understand what's going on.
Speaker 2:Can you imagine if Conan poisoned the bad guy to death at the end?
Speaker 1:Yeah, nice, that would be great. Nice little full circle, or he uses his dad's trick of the ice because his dad cuts the ice and then he falls down into the frozen lake and at the end he cuts the bridge and the guy falls into the abyss. Yeah, but that's not what he was supposed to learn from the dad. He was supposed to learn something about fire and ice, not bridges. I don't know.
Speaker 2:So they've got dad trapped. He finds that he's got the little evil daughter. It's kind of hot.
Speaker 1:Not as an adult, though yeah, she's hot as an adult, rose McGowan, really, and you don't like the purebred? Nope, purebred's not the right word. What is it? Pureblood? Purebred's not the right word. What is it? Pureblood? Purebred's like a horse Very boring. Well, imagine her green.
Speaker 2:That fixes everything. There it is Problem solved. Told ya, any woman, just paint her green, that's solved.
Speaker 1:Or man. It's not a gender thing, Dan. I just think people are more attractive when they're interesting.
Speaker 2:Oh my God. Okay, so she finds the thing. Boom Conan attacks slices off a guy's nose. That's a good move.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was cool and I'm glad they brought him back and had some fun with it. I have a question on the daughter why does she have talons? What's that all about?
Speaker 2:They're little knives, they come off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the little Freddy Krueger things yeah so she can be creepy. Creepy. Sure she doesn't really seem to know how to use them very well in battle she's just clicking.
Speaker 2:Well, she's not a warrior, she's not. Well, she's not a warrior, she's not. No, she's a witch. What is she? She's a witch. They call her a witch right at the beginning.
Speaker 1:Burn her. Yeah, she's a witch, like her mom.
Speaker 2:But she's not as good a witch as her mom, for unspecified reasons and reasons we don't understand.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because the dad is very disappointed in her Unlike. Conan's dad.
Speaker 2:Obviously, this movie should always be about her right.
Speaker 1:She has the character arc.
Speaker 2:She does. She has a good character arc. I like her. She's hot. So they burn dad with. They put molten metal over him. Right and then he has to hold a chain. What it is is that in one of the old Sergio Leone westerns, the one kid, his dad, is hung by the neck right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then the kid is like I don't remember what he was holding exactly, but the kid's basically trying to keep his dad alive, sure, which?
Speaker 1:is intense.
Speaker 2:In the middle of the desert getting hot, and then the kid falls down and the dad dies right? Well, that's a sad end of that story yes, and that's that's the whole point is then this you know as an adult, he's charles bronson. He wants to find the guy that did this and shoot him in the face at the end of the movie shoots him in the face, but class this whole thing. It didn't feel like the kid was going through an ordeal of trying to keep the dad alive.
Speaker 1:Because I think it's because the kid probably didn't understand how the contraption worked. Because I as an adult also don't understand how this contraption worked. I feel like it would be relatively easy to not be in the way of the bucket, you know what I mean. Like I just step to the side and then I pour it out very slowly and I think it would miss me for the most part.
Speaker 2:I don't know, maybe I'm crazy, so you think you could have worked. This was a trap, I'm pretty sure, Because you're watching it and you're like is he getting hit by the metal, or is he not getting hit earlier and then at a certain point. I think his whole face gets burnt off. Does that?
Speaker 1:Well, because he does it to himself At the end. He's like Cody, you have to run, I'm going to sacrifice myself, and then he just tries to drink it and you know it's tough.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no-transcript.
Speaker 1:But they do leave, yeah. And then the dad's just like I'll, just, I'm done, I'm over this shit. Yeah, it doesn't want to wait.
Speaker 2:It's like we Sumerians we don't like waiting. Just take death.
Speaker 1:We don't enjoy the waiting game, all right. Death over waiting, I agree.
Speaker 2:I get it.
Speaker 1:That's like the DMV.
Speaker 2:Did they steal Conan's sword or did they steal the dad's sword? I think they stole the dad's sword.
Speaker 1:They are identical swords from what I can tell. I can't tell the difference between them. I swear they hold them up one point. Conan holds both of them, I think, and I'm like, well, that's just a replica sword. I? I don't know, maybe that's my fault, attention to detail is not great, but I do believe they steal the dad sword because at the end rose mcgowan's like it's the sword of a fallen Cimmerian. So it has to be the dad.
Speaker 2:Okay, he grows up, he thieves, he pirates, he barbarians, no, no.
Speaker 1:What he does, dan, is he lives, he loves and he slays.
Speaker 2:No, that's not what they say. That's what he says to the lady at one point he says that later, but at one point he doesn't say it now, but that's his. He says to the lady at one point.
Speaker 1:at one point he doesn't say it now but that's his life motto and I just think we need to bring attention to that.
Speaker 2:I wrote that down later when he said to it's so stupid, but he does say wandering thieving. He does say slaying he loves to slay he's a slay king there's a slave colony that's at the bottom of this hill. He and his friends drop rocks on them. Time out.
Speaker 1:Dan, those are huge boulders. Yes, how did they get them into the perfect places around the mountain?
Speaker 2:Okay, Because they can't lift those boulders up?
Speaker 1:Well, conan can, but I'm going to tell you a story. You think so. I didn't see it. I'm telling you a story. Oh, tell me a story.
Speaker 2:When I was a kid there was a movie called the Swiss Family Robinson. Right yeah, yeah, they get shipwrecked. Did you see the old Disney one from the 60s?
Speaker 2:No no no, they get shipwrecked. You know they. For many years they had at Disneyland, until they turned it into Tarzan's treehouse, because they're idiots. Well, tarzan is newer. They know that there's bad pirates out there, yeah, yeah. So they go on the top of the hill and they make it ready for the pirates. They haul logs up there and put them behind things so that they can cut the things, and then hundreds of logs go, sure, they set up this whole. They, you know, have bombs and they have guns and they have, you know, bells. So they set it all up. That's what they're trying to do with this thing. But it doesn't make any sense, because how would you set that up above this people's?
Speaker 1:place exactly. So the difference is is the pirates will be coming into port and then they spring the trap. These people are already there, so how did they spend weeks rolling giant boulders above them and nobody seemed? They're just like. I wonder what these guys are doing with all these rocks. It's so weird, they're so stupid, it's just, it's not possible. It didn't happen. And why did they do this? Tony, I have no idea. Is it the 3d thing?
Speaker 2:that's. They did it for 3d.
Speaker 1:That's why they did it I mean see the reason why it doesn't make sense to us because we watched it too deep for watching 3d. Be like I get it.
Speaker 2:I the spectacle of it. Oh, dang it, that's so terrible so they go down there. Lots of very sexy See, like all these girls, much sexier than the main girl in this movie.
Speaker 1:Okay, I listen, I can't. She's green. So anyhow, we got to talk about this next scene that happens.
Speaker 2:Once you go green.
Speaker 1:So sexy girls, they have sex with them, yeah this is what we have to talk about real quick. They're like rock stars in this, like Conan and his buddy are rock stars.
Speaker 2:As soon as these ladies see them, they're like throwing themselves at them.
Speaker 1:I'm going to tell you something I'll give you.
Speaker 2:You're going to tell you something I'll give you.
Speaker 1:You're going to tell me another story about your childhood.
Speaker 2:I'll give you $1,000 cash if you could tell me the name of his buddy.
Speaker 1:No, no, I want $1,000. So badly, dan, I have no idea.
Speaker 2:I have no idea, and I pay attention to these things. His buddy is so not named in this movie. It's crazy, and his buddy so doesn't do anything.
Speaker 1:In this movie he doesn't do anything. He's like nice to him every once in a while, that's it. And he gets to yell wake up when they get uh attacked on the ship. I don't know if you remember that he's that yes I don't hold on. Do we really not know his name? I? Wrote it I gotta, I going to look it up.
Speaker 2:What I do, Tony, is when the people say their names.
Speaker 1:The first time I write it in my notes, then I underline it. I underline it.
Speaker 2:You know how many names I have underlined in this thing. None, none.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, oh, wow, okay.
Speaker 2:It's like something like that.
Speaker 1:Dan hold on, yeah, I'm holding on. Tamar Marique Tamar, ukafa Ukafa. No, that's one of the bad guys. Oh, I don't know, because that's not like the friendly guy, I don't think.
Speaker 2:You know the one guy with all the face tattoos and the bad teeth. They say his name 200 times. He's the one character whose name they say again and again, and again and again, in the course of like five minutes. It's amazing.
Speaker 1:Oh, I found him. Okay, it's Artus, is his name, artus. $1,000, please, stan, you didn't give me a time limit, hey you failed.
Speaker 2:You failed at this.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry. I wish I would have had that locked and loaded. Can you imagine your face if I would have shot that right back at you immediately?
Speaker 2:But you see, I know you. You don't know any characters' names.
Speaker 1:I don't. You're right about that.
Speaker 2:You're terrible.
Speaker 1:I only know Conan from this movie.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you don't even know the girl's name.
Speaker 1:Well, I cheated now, so now I do know it. But if you would have asked me before I looked at the IMDb, I would not have known it.
Speaker 2:It is. I think it is the same name as the girl from the other Conan movie, actually the second Conan the Conqueror, like the Schwarzenegger one. Yeah, I think it's the same.
Speaker 1:I haven't seen those since I was a kid. Oh, they're great movies. I almost watched it this morning.
Speaker 2:Oh, Dan, we got a side real quick. I got to tell you a story about what happened this morning. Hold on, let me guess you watched the movie on Peacock last night, then you went to watch it this morning on Peacock, and it was no longer there.
Speaker 1:How did you? Did you do the same thing?
Speaker 2:No, because I saw the thing when I went to just watch and it said Leaving Tomorrow. Oh man, I did not read that I said to myself I could tell Tony this, and I was like I'll let him experience it.
Speaker 1:Well, I woke up at 6 am today to finish this movie and I'm searching. I typed in the whole name on Peacock. I was like what is going on? This movie won't come up. And I Googled I was like it's gone.
Speaker 2:So I had to go spend $4 on this movie and I didn't even want to finish it. I was bad boy. I was so mad this morning. Well, let me tell you what happened to me. So you know, I I force fed myself this movie yesterday, so I didn't spend four dollars yeah, that was a good move I stopped once and then peacock just like I lose my mind.
Speaker 2:So you have to start over again and then you have to do four and a half minutes of commercials. I ended up doing four and a half minutes of commercials. I ended up doing four and a half minutes of commercials, like two times, and then I had to do like nine minutes of commercials, like once or twice, because I was after In the middle. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, that's brutal. So I had an extra 20 minutes of commercials that I had to deal with with this stupid movie. This was not a great experience stupid movie.
Speaker 2:This was not a great experience. Just top to bottom, this was not a great experience. Peacock is not a great experience. You should, just once you log those commercials, you should be allowed to go where you want in the movie.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I already did it for this title, fuck you stop.
Speaker 2:Stop making me do it every time okay, so they they go to this other place. They're they're having fun with the women. Then this like this he sees the noseless guy who was part of the people that messed with his dad, so he's all like, ah, finally I got a lead. There's this other dude who is a thief and they're looking for him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know this guy at all I don't like him.
Speaker 2:Conan kills everyone and then tortures No-Nose. How does he torture No-Nose? He picks his nose, he sticks his finger in the hole In his nose hole.
Speaker 1:Oh man, that's cool, it's pretty cool. Yeah, it's cool, pretty cool. And this actor was so game. He does the whining very, very well. I would have cast him as well. He did a great job.
Speaker 2:He really liked him. Um, he's like up, you gotta go go, you gotta go to the forbidden forest. And then he says some word, gorgomula. And then they're all looking for, um, they're looking for the girl. So we find out that the bad guy is looking for the girl. Now Conan knows what the plot is.
Speaker 1:Then we sort of do I'm kind of figured it out, you know what I mean, but I still don't understand why.
Speaker 2:He's bringing back his wife because she's a powerful necromancer.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I mean I guess, but here's why I'm confused. Yeah, I guess, but isn't here's why I'm confused?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:The pureblood girl.
Speaker 2:Yeah is the descendant, yes, of the most powerful necromancer ever they said or something like that yeah, I guess, so yeah.
Speaker 1:Why is everybody a necromancer? Is that the only magic in this world?
Speaker 2:Well, you know. The truth of the matter is, why would you be a purebred necromancer, right? Shouldn't you be pure of something?
Speaker 1:better than that. Necromancer blood got to be pretty dirty. It's got to be all muddy. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2:It's all very confusing.
Speaker 1:It's all very confusing.
Speaker 2:It's great. I really like this movie a lot.
Speaker 1:It's got to go through forest. Yeah, Did you finish this scene yet? The end of the scene. What he?
Speaker 2:does was. The dude is like I'll tell you everything, just don't kill me. Conan's like cool Conan at the end sticks a key down his throat, then he drags him outside and he's like hey, everybody, if you want to be free, the key's inside of this asshole which is funny.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's good. I have a question. Yes, now. So you have a. You have the only key to free everyone around your neck at all times, which is a terrible choice seems unlikely but so he?
Speaker 1:he tears it off and he puts it in the guy's mouth and then he pours water, some sort of liquid, in his mouth castor oil? Is that what it is? No, why would that make him swallow the key? I put food in my mouth and then drink water and keep the food in my mouth all the time why do you keep the food in your mouth with water?
Speaker 1:Because sometimes, if let's just happen last night. So let's say it's a buffalo wing, all right, and I've taken a lot. I like to skin the whole thing. First I take the whole buffalo wing and I chew it up. And then I'm like, oh, my mouth's on fire. So I cool it down with some water, but I keep the chicken in my mouth because I'm not done chewing the chicken and then I'll chew it up and I'll swallow it and it's less hot, but regardless my point is Tony, that's not how normal people eat.
Speaker 1:But just putting liquid in his mouth isn't going to force him to swallow a solid object in his mouth.
Speaker 2:That's all I'm saying. You're set for this.
Speaker 1:I'm very talented, okay, I can put a lot of different things in my mouth and handle it, no. Okay, I can put a lot of different things in my mouth and handle it, no problem. Oh, my God, I don't know. I just thought it was weird.
Speaker 2:Okay, there we go. Boom. We go to the palace. We meet the woman that they're going to come for, whatever In the forest. Why?
Speaker 1:is so they're monks, I don't know. Okay, all right, I mean, I guess I'm getting in the weeds of the particulars of this movie. I just really didn't understand the world building, oh because they just use words, right?
Speaker 2:These guys don't seem like monks. This doesn't seem like a thing where there's monks. We don't know what all these hot women that aren't pure are doing there. We don't understand any of it.
Speaker 1:The impure monks yeah, we don't understand any of it the impure monks?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know what's going on Like, if I was going to do it, I would have like this You'd have this big thing at the top of a cliff that actually had a hundred monks, and then there was one woman that was there, right.
Speaker 1:Right. Isn't that what you do?
Speaker 2:Sure You'd have a bunch of monks there and then they'd be like, oh, we got to protect the stupid girl.
Speaker 1:And why are there other girls and they're not protecting those girls? Are they decoys? Is this like a Princess Amidala situation? You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I don't know what's going on, say what you want about the first Star Wars movie, star Wars Episode 1. It made sense, right?
Speaker 1:I will say a lot of things because, again, I'm sure we talked about it I like them just as much as I like the originals. Because, again, I'm sure we talked about it I like them just as much as I like the originals.
Speaker 2:Oh, and that's the thing is, they're dopey and weird at times. You know there's too much Senate stuff that doesn't make any sense, sure, but you know, give me the Trade Federation any day.
Speaker 1:These guys I fucking love the Trade Federation.
Speaker 2:These characters are hilarious.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know I don't like the stupid robots because they're just, they're like so incompetent and dopey.
Speaker 1:But they are, but they make for a great video game. Bad guy, because you can just run them down and you're not like am I killing clones? Am I murdering people right now? Because that's the problem, stormtroopers right, they're human. So we just make them real robots and we fix that whole situation.
Speaker 2:See, and you know, there was just a little bit of the goofiness of those first three which then turns into like the biggest darkness ever in the third one. You're just like you didn't really set us up for killing the younglings and having all of his arms and legs cut off. You know you're just like. This is pretty extreme.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's awesome, it's very fun because it kind of comes if you didn't know which you probably knew going into. But, like your kid, you don't know and you're like what is going on right now?
Speaker 2:if you saw those movies, in that, in the, in the you know one through one, through nine you would just be like holy this guy's arms and legs are cut off and he's you know's lying in the middle of a lava flow.
Speaker 1:I'd be a bad guy too after that you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:And just think about how a thousand times more colorful that is than anything that happens in the sad Conan movie. Yeah, yeah, and that's George Lucas not doing his greatest work. Jar Jar Binks, good old Jar Jar. Okay, we meet the caravan. They've got this big caravan. Soldiers, they have a boat which is on wheels and you were like, well, at some point you know they're going to push that into the ocean and then it's going to boat. No, we abandoned that boat, we never see it again. At some point, you know they're going to push that into the ocean and then it's going to boat. No, we, just we abandoned that. We never see it again.
Speaker 1:I would argue that that boat's never been in the water, dan, because there's no water line on the boat. It's wood, it's a wooden ship and I just have to believe there would be a water line of some sort.
Speaker 2:Where are the barnacles?
Speaker 1:You ask sarcastically, but that's a great question. I watch Below Deck all the time and they're all constantly jumping in and cleaning the bottom to get all those barnacles off. You gotta keep that thing clean.
Speaker 2:Okay, so they're. He's on the ship with his buddy. Oh, artis, was that his name, his buddy's name?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I found this.
Speaker 2:This is the first one. All right. And then he's all like okay, I know what I'm going to do, but I'm just going to go alone. He goes to the desert and Army, the army gets somewhere. Okay. So then the bad guys get to the place where the monks are, start killing everyone.
Speaker 1:Tamara, Tamara, that's the girl right, yep, yep, that's the lady.
Speaker 2:They sneak her out of town and then we have this crazy scene where Conan's on the road, then she's on the road and then the bad guys attack and then he's trying to grab her or kill them and everyone just fights and fights, and fights. And there's people get dragged. Oh, this is when the guy gets dragged into the boulder. Conan punches and explodes, which is cool. Conan punched horses with a giant chain. That was very weird, yeah. And then there's one big bad guy left, and then he just leaves.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, he runs away right. He's like if you face me, I don't remember what he said, if you run away, I'll chase you down, something stupid, I don't know. There's some dialogue here. That is inconsequential.
Speaker 2:He runs away. We cut back to where the princess is and the witch doctor or princess was. She tastes all the people and it's all like, oh nope, she's not here. And then we find out about the mom dying on the wheel and then he beats. He beats this one monk to death against the ground. It was very. This movie is very graphic and very grisly in a weird, unsatisfying way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, definitely that Well because there's not a lot of catharsis at the end. They like to have the bad guys inflict pain on, ostensibly, the good guys.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I don't care about these good guys, so it's a problem.
Speaker 2:So here's. The bad guy is Remo, the guy that just fled. He then has time to talk to the girl. Put the girl on a horse with him and chase down the bad guy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and what's weird is I swear he catches up to the guy, grab something from him and then slows down to throw it at him. Is that the order of events in this little chase scene, Because I wrote it down that way and I was very confused on why he would, If you're next to him, just kill him. I don't know why you would steal something, slow down and then throw it at him. I don't know.
Speaker 2:He knocks the bad guy out and then the girl's like you will take me to Hyroconia, and I'm just like I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is.
Speaker 1:I don't know where that is. I don't know why she wants to go there. I don't know why you're going. What's there, what is your journey, lady, and what's?
Speaker 2:her offer to him.
Speaker 1:Does she have one?
Speaker 2:No, I thought she just said do it, and he was like no.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to do it, and she's like do it and he's, and that was about it. Oh, then he ties her up so she can't leave.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's right, no, you're right, we cut back to the bad guy. This is the point at which the daughter's like I can do what mom did, and dad's like no, you suck Now is she?
Speaker 1:You know is she? Yeah, is she trying.
Speaker 2:There's a little implication there.
Speaker 1:There's some tension there and the dad's like, nah, you're never going to be her. And I was like, is she offering herself what's happening right now?
Speaker 2:They should have done that. That would have been weird, and this is a movie that would have done that.
Speaker 1:It was weird either way, because you're in this limbo where it's like is she advancing on him? I don't know what their relationship is, but he's definitely the bad guy.
Speaker 2:Now, did you ever watch Game?
Speaker 1:of Thrones.
Speaker 2:Yeah, of course I watched Game of.
Speaker 1:Thrones. Everybody watched Game of Thrones.
Speaker 2:When you get to the Moondore people and the mom breastfeeds the adult child, we're all sitting there going like this. What is happening?
Speaker 1:Who wrote this shit? What is going on? It's like what's happening. Who wrote this shit? What is going on?
Speaker 2:What's-his-name has some problems and he's never finishing those books anyways.
Speaker 1:He's never going to finish this book, which is pretty hilarious. Would you finish it? I wouldn't. So many people were mad with the way the show ended that I'd be like no one's going to be happy with the ending, so fuck you.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to finish it. Of course I'd finish it. If he has the ideas, just finish it. He doesn't. If he doesn't have the ideas, then don't finish it. But if you have the ideas, then contract with somebody, work with somebody to get it done. Who cares?
Speaker 1:I don't know, I disagree. People not liking my art hurts me. It hurts me to my soul.
Speaker 2:Oh, so you want to punish everyone? That is a Tony thing I'll show them. It's going to the grave with me. It'll never be finished.
Speaker 1:I'm on my deathbed, middle fingers out and be like good luck finishing the books, idiots, and then I die. Cry about it one more time Okay.
Speaker 2:Remo wakes up and he's like, oh, they're not going to come here, they're going to go this other place. And so he's like, okay, I'll go there. He goes there, takes the trebuchet, throws Remo's body. It hits the boat. I'm like that's a good shot. He reassembles the trebuchet, which is laying in pieces. Just like you know, it's like things break perfectly.
Speaker 1:You know, it's like things break perfectly. Generally, when things get shattered, you can just put them right back together and they work no problem. Really terrible and also like what an amazing shot. You're absolutely right, I mean, it's unbelievable.
Speaker 2:And inside his mouth there's a note, and the note is like come alone to this place for us to fight, Okay.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't go alone, yeah that's true.
Speaker 2:Why would you expect that he could control that situation?
Speaker 1:Yeah, not. Oh, I wrote him a note so he's definitely going to do it. He's definitely going to play by the rules because it was a note.
Speaker 2:There was a note. There was a note. Implicit in the note was you've got to follow the rules.
Speaker 1:Those are the rules. If you're not going to follow them, just don't come. The next necromancer meeting they're gonna be like you didn't follow the rules. You're out, bro. Yeah, you're out of here, guy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you can't follow simple directions so he goes there and so he set up. The bad guy comes with bag of gold and then they summon with magic the parkour. Sad warriors, can they live? Can you kill a parkour? How do you kill a parkour? How do you kill a parkour, said warrior?
Speaker 1:Well, I guess the question is is this the same two warriors over and over, or are there hundreds of them?
Speaker 2:There's like about eight of them and you just have to kill those eight and you kill them through normal ways of killing them with a sword.
Speaker 1:So I wasn't sure if when they shatter, they're dead, or if they just go back to sand and have to come back together.
Speaker 2:Nope, there's like a final crackening where they're dead and you're done with the final crackening.
Speaker 1:That's a good movie title. I'm so confused. I guess I'm just thinking of yeah, I don't know, because they come out of the sand, but then they're independent of the sand, so they're not.
Speaker 2:They're not tied to the sand Right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know. It's very strange. What are? Because she's a necromancer, right? What does sand creatures have to do with necromancy? She probably just found a bottle of them. Oh, okay, have to do with necromancy. She probably just found a bottle of them.
Speaker 2:That clears it up, you're right, you know, silly question that's on me. Um, I kind of liked them. They went on too long they didn't have any they didn't have any real rules. Just at a certain point you could kill them, or if they fell down, they died, yep you know, they didn't really have cool sand powers, which was what I was expecting you think back on the mummy that's.
Speaker 1:I was thinking of the mummy and sandman from spider-man. Those are the two things where I was like these are not. These are not either of them where the rules, but they kind of look good. Yeah, yeah, fine, they're okay. I bet they'd look great in 3D.
Speaker 2:There it is. 3d, that's what we needed. She poisons Conan and so they're losing it. So he blows up some oil and then they oh they jumped into the ocean. Did you know they were next?
Speaker 1:to the ocean. No, I didn't know they were next to the ocean, but they run to the edge of this cliff and his friend Artus, or whatever his name is is, sees them and it's like jump idiots or something weird. And then they just why? Why is that cut in there? They're gonna jump either way.
Speaker 1:It's so weird, very strange and you really don't like I don't, you don't really feel like there's a way that hollywood shoots those jumps, and this one didn't feel like they shot it that way well, it also generally, when two people run to the edge of a cliff, there's a moment where they're like, wow, we're gonna die if we jump, we're gonna die if we stay, I guess we have to jump. And then they jump nervously. This was more just like oh hey, it's the ocean, should we should just jump? And then they do.
Speaker 2:I, it's, it's, it's missing, the, the, the element that makes that dramatic even if we've seen it a million times, you can still feel that it didn't have the right, yeah, 100, because here's the thing you can.
Speaker 1:I can see that exact same scenario a million times over. I I know I'm not jumping. I will die at the hands of whoever's behind me. I'm not jumping. That's the scariest moment of your life. Is that free fall into not knowing if you're going to live or die? No, thank you, I'll take a certain death over that.
Speaker 2:And that's what should have happened there. The girl should have been like oh no, and Conan's like we gotta jump, and Conan's like we got to jump and Conan jumps, and then she's like all ah and she gets grabbed because she's a cowardly woman.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's a lot of sexism in this movie, by the way. Yeah, there's a lot of it. It's really weird.
Speaker 2:Okay, so our guys wait what's happening here.
Speaker 1:Well, they jumped in.
Speaker 2:Now they're on the boat, on the boat, and then the bad guys attack the boat how do the bad guys get to the boat?
Speaker 1:do they also jump? No one, do they just swim? They had another there doesn't seem to be a second ship. I didn't see one outside. I don't know if you did you mean?
Speaker 2:you mean when they snuck up on them at night, and then when the battle occurs, it's during the day today, yeah, exactly. And then there's like a big giant guy and they battle, and then our guys win and they go, yay when did pirates come out?
Speaker 1:2003, something like that. This is like the exact same scene, when they're like men to the boats not to the boats and then they crawl into the sea and then come up and sneak, and then they're doing the huzzah after they wait, I don't know. It felt very similar, but just so much worse that the whole time I was like, ah, I'm going to think I'm going to watch pirates tonight.
Speaker 2:You don't watch that pirates movie and you're like, yep, still good, you think it's going to be. You're going to be like ah, it's blockbuster.
Speaker 1:You know, I just, I love blockbusters, I really do when he when that ship sinks and then he steps off the dock.
Speaker 2:You're like someone has made a good decision. Character introduction of all time hands down yeah, I don't know if you'll ever have a better character. Well, that or terminator too.
Speaker 1:Schwarzenegger coming up butt naked that's pretty cool too. I do love that. Walks into the bar beating the shit yeah, that's good. Those are the two that come to mind for me, I don't know. Walks into that police station.
Speaker 2:Goes back out, gets a car, drives it. You're like what happened to our James Cameron.
Speaker 1:Oh well, he's making some real good stuff on Avatar.
Speaker 2:Oh, we're going to have this boat that's going to be tilted over.
Speaker 1:We're going to have this boat and it's going to be tilted over. We're going to have a 45-minute fight.
Speaker 2:Can't wait for the next one. Let's go Sully Woo. Okay, conan gets off the boat, the girl goes with him, takes him a map. Then they go and have is there a plan? I don't know. Then that's when he says I slay. Then they go and have is there a plan? I don't know. Then he that's when he says I slay, so they have sex. Then the next morning does she ditch him, or is she just wandering in the forest randomly?
Speaker 1:That's a great question that this movie doesn't answer. They're just like ah, she's gotta be outside. Who gives a shit? Uh, it's very confusing. I don't know why she's out there, what she's doing, where she's going.
Speaker 2:I have a terrible idea, not good at all, so she gets grabbed by the bad guy and who's going to take her to this other city? Conan has time to go to another city to find the guy with the one eye that he saved from the one.
Speaker 1:His thief friend yeah.
Speaker 2:And then the thief friend is able to take him back to the secret place where they've taken her. Somehow Gone to another city, right Walk to Portland and then walk back to Los Angeles in the time this guy took to do. He didn't do anything in this time.
Speaker 1:Well, because they're carrying a prisoner, so they're twice as slow, much slower. Because she's going like this yeah, she's fighting or something, yeah, it's real tough, real hard stuff.
Speaker 2:So they they go in there and then they fight like one tiny snake in the water and I was like, well, that's kind of disappointing. Yeah, ah, they get in the dungeon and here's the big tentacles battle.
Speaker 1:Talk about the big tentacles battle, tony again super disappointing, I'm not gonna lie to you. Did you like it?
Speaker 2:it was better than most of the movie well, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:So if we're looking at conan as the bar itself, we're ignoring everything else ever made in the history of time. Uh, get into, this was the better. This is where they spent all of their 60 million, or whatever you got close to 100.
Speaker 2:Oh wow, this is the baseline, and then this battle's right here.
Speaker 1:Here's Conan Ha-ha, we did it.
Speaker 2:Most of the rest of the movie way down here, but I was like at least it was a tentacle monster and it was kind of weird. The one guy's like he pulls chains and moves people up and down, and if you'd have ever established it, you know. You just think about the amount of jeopardy that you have in the Star Wars trash compactor scene. Yeah, this thing has 10 times more special effects. Goes on 10 times longer and has one-tenth of the amount of jeopardy.
Speaker 1:That's generous. One-tenth is very generous. I don't know, and you know I'll tell you, I'll tell you right now dan somewhere. Uh, what's his name? Marcus nispel. I'm sure I'm saying that wrong marcus nispel, that's the director. He's listening to this podcast and he's like finally someone gets it. It's funny how good this scene was in this movie. He's so excited that someone finally thought it was decent.
Speaker 1:Yeah I mean I didn't understand the end. Can you walk me through this? Because his friend is getting swallowed in the cage? Not swallowed, but like wrapped up whatever.
Speaker 2:He opens the top of the cage and he crawls out the top is that is that all that happens?
Speaker 1:because couldn't you've done that at any time? If the top just I thought maybe it fell and the hinge broke, no, Okay, I thought I missed something.
Speaker 2:He just helps him out the top, that's what I remember. Just crawl out. He knocks the jailer in and then his friend crawls out the thing. Huh, yeah, all right. Well, there you go. And so we've done all this to get into this place.
Speaker 1:And then we climb up to the top of it and we look and they've all left to go to Skull Rock. Is that where they're going?
Speaker 2:Yeah, the big rock that's in the. There's a big skull rock, there's a rock. Isn't that where King Kong, yeah, skull Island you live on Skull skull island, but there was a sort of skull rock there and also in peter pan there was a skull rock, but there's there's another skull rock there's another, there's a lot of skull rocks I don't know, maybe they're from ancient giant beings but it's kind of like, why don't they just do that here? Why do they got to go over to skull rock well?
Speaker 1:you know you had money for another location. Let's go, let's do it, let's go Rock.
Speaker 2:They put the girl on the wheel, he puts on the mask and I'm like something's gonna happen. Nothing happens.
Speaker 1:But it doesn't. So okay, we can. So they drain her blood, right, and they put it on the mask, and then the mask gets tentacles, it like comes alive. And then, and the mask gets tentacles, it comes alive, yeah. And then it wraps around his face, yeah. And then what? He doesn't get special powers.
Speaker 2:Well, he's bringing the person back from the dead.
Speaker 1:Sure, but I thought in the beginning they were like the guy that wears the mask rules the world. Yeah, Isn't that what they said? Yeah, you think so. He doesn't change at all.
Speaker 2:There's no he doesn't, he's not impervious, he can't fight any better, he can't shoot bullets.
Speaker 1:He just looks dumber. That's. The only change that I see is now he looks like a moron. I don't get it.
Speaker 2:Conan sneaks in does your classic? You know he knocks a guy out and puts on his robes or whatever. But we don't see that right. Yeah, it doesn't matter Like the most classic thing of all things. You know You're watching Big Trouble in Little China. You always see them sneak up clobber and then they're wearing the things and they're like going like this Come out yeah, you've got to do those jokes.
Speaker 1:Those are clobber. And then they're wearing the things and they're going like this so they can see it 100%.
Speaker 2:You've got to do those jokes. Those are your jokes, Even if they've already been done a thousand times. You've got to do your jokes.
Speaker 1:This movie's too serious for that, Dan Okay. And Conan's by himself, all by himself. Where is the thief friend?
Speaker 2:Oh, he left. He left after he got him in that one party site. Okay, he did leave. Okay, he peaced out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he totally peaced out. I got you in and now you're on your own, okay great. Why didn't you go with me the whole way, bro? Well, because he'd be dead.
Speaker 2:Okay, so then we have a giant fight and there's an earthquake.
Speaker 1:Now, did the mask guy cause the earthquake? I thought maybe that was one of his powers. I don't know either. It's not very clear, and nor is that a good power. When you're in a dungeon of some sort, that's a good way to get yourself killed.
Speaker 2:See in a movie like this makes you appreciate Aquaman.
Speaker 1:The movie Aquaman? I don't think so.
Speaker 2:the movie Aquaman? I don't think so, like at least some of those fights you know, you know the octopus drumming, but at least they sort of travel through a space. Interestingly, these movies, these ones are like the wheel falls down and then it lands in a place and then everybody jumps down on the wheel and they fight on the wheel and then the wheel falls down again and then the wheel sort of turning.
Speaker 1:Yeah, as wheels do.
Speaker 2:And then they escape and she runs away and is hiding and then we got some nice girl on girl action.
Speaker 1:It's not that good though.
Speaker 2:No, it's not good. I just wanted to say that you know.
Speaker 1:I know there's here's okay. So here's what I will say about everyone in this movie.
Speaker 2:What are?
Speaker 1:you going to say about? Everyone in this movie Rose McGowan is the only one that I'm like she's fucking trying.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, she's trying.
Speaker 1:She's giving this her all and she's cool. She's cool If she were in a different movie. Yeah, I really like her a lot. She's a good good though she was good, though she was great.
Speaker 1:Her dad sucks, uh, and everybody else kind of sucks, but so what I was gonna say is she's walking down this hallway cavern I don't really know what it is and the other girl's hiding and she even her walk. She's doing this like slink thing and I was like she's committing so hard, yeah, to such a bad movie and I just feel terrible about it.
Speaker 2:It's great, I thought she was wonderful, uh the long bright spot of the movie yeah, do you want to talk about the chemistry between conan and the, the main lead girl?
Speaker 1:I think you said about all you need to say, which is there isn't any, you know. What we should do is we should quickly talk about the kiss dan, what's her kiss? The kiss that led to the sex. So there's a kiss first, uh, in a different location. Then it cuts to them, boning on a rock for some reason. The kiss was horrible oh was it? It was so uncomfortable. I don't know who's faulted. Maybe it's both, maybe they didn't like each other, I don't really know, but it's a bad kiss. And then it goes right into some really plain mediocre sex, and the sex goes on way too long. It's a three. It's a three minute scene. Doesn't need to be that. It could just be like we get it. Also, why are they having sex? I don't really know, other than like it makes him more manly. I honestly don't know.
Speaker 2:Think about how sexual it was when he released the slave girls and they were topless and crawling all over the dudes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're like this is going to be a party, this can be a party. They don't work. They don't work. I don't know. I don't know it's not her fault, right Cause she's green and she's awesome, so it's kind of.
Speaker 2:I gotta tell you something she's not green in this movie.
Speaker 1:I think she was okay, when? Okay, when I remember it. No, I I don't know. They have no chemistry. And again, I don't it has to. I don't know, because he does have chemistry in game of thrones with calise, like they're.
Speaker 1:He's, he's small there's like magnetism he smolders all over the place it's both sides of that right like both, both of them when they're together, you're just like shit. Yeah, I get it, I get it. So that's it's, but it's got to be a combination where they just did not click because there is no maggot, there is nothing there she just wanders away into the forest to kind of get away from him I was so bored last night I went to pick mushrooms.
Speaker 2:I don't know um he cuts off the witch girl's arm yeah, wild, that's really mean uh, I think he throws it down hold on.
Speaker 1:I want to say one thing real quick. When, during the girl on girl fight there's a moment where, uh, green girl's on the bottom right and claw girl's on top and green girl's holding the claw so it doesn't reach her face yeah, those talons are so long all she has to do is just cut the arm, like just stab the arm, she'll let go and then you win. That's why I was like she's not good with her own claws. You have extra long fingers. You can just dig them into her wrist, slice right here and you've won the battle Should have scarred her up in the face too Right, make the princess lose an eye.
Speaker 1:You know she's going to be down an eye, pop it right out and it's on her tail and that'll be fun. That might make her sexy.
Speaker 2:She's like one scarred up eye. They fight, everything collapses.
Speaker 1:Everything collapses, which is weird.
Speaker 2:The princess girl is possessed and she's like, let me go, let me go. And this is like a flashback to his dad. And we're like, oh well, this is what we've been waiting for.
Speaker 1:And he does destroy the bridge. I actually didn't get that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so then he does destroy the bridge. So he did learn the ice thing, sort of.
Speaker 1:But that's not ice.
Speaker 2:But that's what his dad taught him on the ice right To cut into the ice so he'd lose his footing. Yes, yeah, yeah, right and if anyone really cared about that scene and we realized that scene meant everything. Like sometimes you got to do this if the dad had spelled it out. And then you know we, he, he was there and he knows that he can't win. And he and dad says, use, use the power of ice. You dumb fucking kid you did it right there.
Speaker 1:You'd have been like oh well, there it is sure, unlike in batman, begins when they use the ice, and then you know it all ties in later in the movie, does it, which is great? Yeah, it's all about footing and whatnot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah you know, watch your batman movie and steal that shit yeah, I don't know when batman begins came out yeah, I don't know not anywho.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, he cuts the bridge and he falls, and then, and then the the girl's just magically fine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then they just leave and they take a horse, and then she thanks him for bringing him home and she's like later, dude, right, god just says later, dude, wait, hold on, he just leaves the girl.
Speaker 1:He drops her off. She says thanks for bringing me home and he just is like cool, take care, see you home. And he just is like cool, take care, see you later. And then just leaves her. What is happening? That is the weirdest end to like a romantic storyline. Why did they have sex, dan? Why did they form a bond? Quote unquote.
Speaker 2:I put a baby conan in her.
Speaker 1:Is that going to be the sequel? Baby, he's going to come back, cut her open and then show her the baby as she dies and he'll be like just like when I was born, and then lion king. It is that the end of the movie? When he rides away, yeah, uh, no, he rides away to the, the place where his dad was, or something oh, he's gonna make another sword, or?
Speaker 1:something, yeah, yeah, something he finds the mold to the sword and it's like yeah something yeah, and then he has like a flashback of fire and ice and he's like the so, because the voiceover is like you're not ready for the sword until you learn fire and ice, or something like that, and it's supposed to say that he learned whatever he learned but.
Speaker 2:I don't think he learned I'm just gonna say it didn't seem like it enough, I didn't learn it. That's what I'll say.
Speaker 1:He must not have learned it, because I didn't learn it and I have no idea what he learned. I'm so excited to tell you what we're watching next week.
Speaker 2:I'm very excited.
Speaker 1:It's not going to be as fun as I'm making it seem, but I'm excited.
Speaker 2:I didn't even remember you were excited about it.
Speaker 1:That really hurts my feelings, Dan.
Speaker 2:Tony. So, yeah, this was and that was the thing. I do need to rewatch the original Conan.
Speaker 1:I want to as well.
Speaker 2:I bet you, when you watch, that you listen to the music and it's like you know it's rousing Conan the Parpet. This kind of music should be very easy to get someone to do, Right.
Speaker 1:Sure, I mean I don't make music, but I would imagine people that do could do it.
Speaker 2:You could say you know, it's epic fantasy.
Speaker 1:Was there epic?
Speaker 2:fantasy music in this movie.
Speaker 1:There wasn't anything epic fantasy about this movie, except for the witch, maybe.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, you got a lot of great witches out there. A lot of great witches, tony. What did you watch? Something you like?
Speaker 1:I am, I'm going, I'm doing this out of solidarity. What's happening? Suits LA came out premiered last Sunday last Sunday.
Speaker 2:So this is the first time you didn't talk.
Speaker 1:We just talked about that you were expecting it to be terrible right and I was right, I was right, I, I was right. I've watched it three times now.
Speaker 2:What the first episode? The first episode yeah, and then I'm going to watch it again before episode two tomorrow.
Speaker 1:It is so messy, dan. So just as a backstory right, the original Suits blew up over the pandemic right. People started-.
Speaker 2:Suits was the one where the dude comes in there and gets the job and wasn't really looking for the job and he does some he's got some magical power right.
Speaker 1:Not a magical power. He has. What is it?
Speaker 2:Idaetic memory or whatever it is. Yeah, so like he wasn't looking for this job, he falls into this job yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So he's not a lawyer, he didn't. He got kicked out of school before he go to law school. So he does know some law, but whatever, he's not a lawyer. He goes into a meeting on accident because he's running from the cops, because he's a drug dealer and and he impresses the lawyer and the lawyer's like shit, we're just gonna hire you because I love to skirt the law. And then it's nine seasons well, it's like seven seasons about that storyline of like they're hiding that he's not a real lawyer and they're always gonna get caught but they're still solving, uh, finishing. So it's great, it's a wonderful show it's this nice.
Speaker 2:It's a nice setup with a little bit of an absurd premise. Yeah, but they stick to the premise. They pay it off continuously.
Speaker 1:They know what they're doing okay it's right in, it's right in line with all the usa shows where they do like almost a normal show, and then they throw that one weird thing in, like this one is he's not a real lawyer, but he's got an eidetic memory, so they he's very good at the law. Psych is he's a fake psychic, you know. So it's like it's a crime procedure, but there's a twist, right? Yeah, so as the show goes on, it becomes less and less about that in the last couple of seasons, sure right, because there's no you've.
Speaker 2:You've hit that drum so many times you've exhausted it and spoilers?
Speaker 1:if no, what if you had? If you want to watch suits and you haven't watched it, time out for like 30 seconds the guy, mike, is the lawyer with the. With the memory, he leaves the show. Oh, okay, so it's no longer the last two seasons or something. It's about something completely different. It's all legal drama. Nobody likes the last two seasons. Everybody hates them. They're poorly rated compared to the rest of the show. Everyone's like they're the worst seasons on the show.
Speaker 1:Sure Suits LA is written in the vein of the last two seasons, which is just high drama, legal drama. There's no fun. Like suits. One seasons one through five are all but like witty banter. And like fun? There is zero fun. We get thrown into this weird world where there's the, the firm is splitting up and his best friend is abandoning, but we don't know anything about these characters. Dan, yeah, sure, so you're thrown into all this drama and you're like I don't give anything about these characters. Dan, yeah, sure, so you're thrown into all this drama and you're like I don't give a shit. What's happening right now and it's so bad. But I do love Stephen Amell. He's doing great People. Please watch it, because I know it'll get better and I just want it to. I need him to have a hit, you know. Oh, poor Stephen Amell, heels was.
Speaker 1:You know, heels was such a good show but nobody watched it because it's about wrestling. But it was a great show. I just wanted to get better. All the reviews are like the third episode gets better. So if you can make it a month. I feel like we could do it guys. Just watch it, even if you turn it on and then leave. Just watch it, let's get some viewerships, let's get it up.
Speaker 2:Get those up. Sorry, that was longer than normal. What do you got, dan? Uh, new movie on netflix, which is actually a movie from a year or two ago, called to catch a killer. Uh, shailene woodley, oh sure, ben mendelsohn. I love ben mendelsohn, god, I love Ben.
Speaker 1:Mendelsohn, god, I love Ben Mendelsohn.
Speaker 2:I will watch him in anything at any time, because he is just acting personified, Okay. Okay, this one's interesting because on the Rotten Tomato people are either like yeah, this was really good, or people are like that's so terrible, I wanted to kill myself.
Speaker 1:Because there are some dark things in the show, really good, or people are like that's so terrible.
Speaker 2:I wanted to kill myself because they do some some. There's some dark things in the in the show. Oh, okay you know, not that's super dark, but just like they make some choices that you're like whoa and the guy that did it's like he's foreign. He's like some like argentinian director or something and you know but it was. You watch it and you're just like the compositions are beautiful. It just feels like an expensive movie.
Speaker 1:Whatever else you want to say about it.
Speaker 2:You watch this, you watch Conan, and you're just like, yeah, they've poured a lot of money down a drain. Yeah, they sure did, but it doesn't feel like the money was well spent. This movie. You're like they sure did, but it there's. It doesn't feel like that money was well spent. This movie. You're like they spent the money well and if I was if I if I, you know, if I wrote something and somebody was directing it, I would want it to look like this and make it feel like a movie. So I enjoy.
Speaker 1:I thoroughly enjoyed it. Well, try to remember to remind me to watch this when the new season of Stranger Things comes out, because that's when we're going to renew Netflix.
Speaker 2:So just remind me in a few months, $7 a month, $7.
Speaker 1:We're paying $19.99 because we're doing like the high level of it. Look at you. Nonsense, mr. High Level, absolute nonsense.
Speaker 2:Tony, you have some spectacular movie that's going to change the show, but it made me laugh.
Speaker 1:So I'm watching Conan the Barbarian and I'm like man. This reminds me of a movie that's been on my list for a really, really long time. And then I looked up my movie that's been on the list for a really really long time and out.
Speaker 2:It's the same director and he made this movie. You've got to be kidding me. I did not do any research on this guy, so I have no idea who he is so there's a movie he did four years earlier which was this. These were these were technically back to back for him, this was the movie that got him work a lot.
Speaker 1:Got him conan well, I mean probably to be honest with you, okay, um, and it's just, I think it's worse, just, I mean based on rotten tomatoes my, this one only has eight percent, so it's just a little bit worse but the good news is it's got carl urban, who I love and I think we love carl. We love carl desperate and this is based off a I think, a video game. It's called Pathfinder. Now I rewatched the trailer, dan, and it seems like it's almost the same movie.
Speaker 2:As what as Conan.
Speaker 1:As Conan the Barbarian. The storyline seems very similar. The monsters seem very similar. I think it might be almost identical, but it came out first four years before and it had half the budget. So almost identical, but it came out first four years before and it had half the budget. So I'm excited. I just want to do a compare and contrast.
Speaker 2:Let's see how well he used that money. Let's see what he does on a budget.
Speaker 1:There you go, or let's see if he learned any lessons. How bad can Pathfinder be that Conan was a step up?
Speaker 2:I've never heard of this movie, so I'm very excited.
Speaker 1:Well, I remember seeing it the trailer, not the movie because I love Carl Urban and I just never looked good.
Speaker 2:Oh, Doom. Doom was the movie we did with him.
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah, doom, yeah, he was great. He's like Well, he's an actor, he's an actor.
Speaker 2:You know it always helps when you get a real actor to come in there.
Speaker 1:So I'm hoping this will be a look. No offense to Jason Momoa, but you know someone that can actually deliver a line.
Speaker 2:Wow, maybe it'll be better. Jason can do a certain thing and if you, if you have the right director to get him to do that certain thing, he could be very enjoyable.
Speaker 1:I think yeah, A hundred percent. And what he did in the newest Fast movie, Fast and Furious Great.
Speaker 2:I still haven't seen that one. I got to watch that one. It's great, because I want to see him in it.
Speaker 1:He's the only good part of that movie. To be honest with you, he looks great, he's wonderful. He's having the time of his life.
Speaker 2:And that's what you want to see Jason Momoa doing.
Speaker 1:Amen, he was having fun. They probably kept being like less fun, Less fun. Bring it down. Let's bring it down a notch.
Speaker 2:We lost Gene Hackman, yeah, and there was a thing where I think it was Ben Stiller was working, was directing him in something, and Ben loved the Poseidon Adventure you ever seen the. Poseidon adventure.
Speaker 1:I have not seen the original. You've seen the other one, so you got the idea.
Speaker 2:He's the titular hero and he's like he wanted to tell Gene how much he loved him in that, and Gene's a thorny guy. Oh no, it was in Tantamoms.
Speaker 1:They were in Royal Tantan together.
Speaker 2:So eventually, like two days to go, he goes over to Gene. He's like you know, gene, this was a seminal movie and Gene Hackman says money, job. There it is there's Gene Hackman.
Speaker 1:I love that he's going to tell you what it is.
Speaker 2:You know he's still going to bring 100% Gene Hackman. I love that. He's going to tell you what it is. He's still going to bring 100% Gene Hackman to everything he does, as you should. Money, job and Gene would do those. It's like you look back on Superman where he's playing Lex Luthor. You're like I can't imagine that was his dream.
Speaker 1:No, but here's the thing, that's the dream, right, that's the ultimate dream to get to a position in the acting career where you can do jobs just for millions. Just be like god, I'll do one for you, one for me.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean we should be so lucky and with movies you never know. You never know how bad it's going to be or how good.
Speaker 1:it's going to be Absolutely. Rose McGowan gave 120% to this movie and it was bad.
Speaker 2:You just got to try, okay, so we'll be back next week talking about Pathfinder. If you like what we do, give us a thumbs up, leave us a comment or subscribe, and then you can get alerted by YouTube hundreds of times about our new content.
Speaker 1:Which is what everybody wants just more notifications.
Speaker 2:See you later.
Speaker 1:Goodbye everybody. With Dan and Tony it's like watching hell.