Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching Shanghai Surprise
Remember the time when Madonna was more than just a pop icon and Sean Penn was her real-life partner in crime? Join us on a rollicking journey back to the 80s as we unpack the notorious film "Shanghai Surprise," a movie that leaves us surprised for all the wrong reasons. From explosive opium smuggling scenes to bizarre mothball twists, this movie promises an unexpected ride. We chuckle through the pitfalls of this peculiar narrative and share our bewilderment at how George Harrison's music ended up amidst this chaotic plot. Unravel the layers of this mess with us, as we attempt to make sense of the chaotic storylines and oddball characters like Willie and Crunk.
Our playful banter continues as we tackle Sean Penn and Madonna’s on-screen chemistry—or lack thereof—while wandering through the film’s peculiar romantic entanglements. Was it a screwball comedy or a noir mixed with misplaced sound effects and stereotypes? You'll hear us scratching our heads at Madonna’s wardrobe changes and a scene with ceramic hands that will have you asking, "Who thought this was a good idea?" As if that wasn’t puzzling enough, we also hop on a nostalgic train to the days of Black Friday frenzy, juxtaposing the film's unpredictable antics with our own holiday shopping memories.
And just when you think the madness ends, we toy with the quirks of memory and how it plays into gaslighting in relationships. Our tales of forgetfulness blend humor with reality, inviting listeners to connect with our shared experiences. As we wrap up with thoughts on the upcoming Minecraft movie starring the ever-entertaining Jack Black, we promise a blend of chaos, laughter, and 80s nostalgia that will leave you both entertained and perplexed. Let’s just say, this episode is a wild ride from start to finish, much like the movie itself.
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Dan Goodsell. Where did you find this movie?
Speaker 2:It wasn't what I expected.
Speaker 1:I hope that you tell me what you expected when we start the show. I have no idea what I expected, but it wasn't this.
Speaker 2:You're like what's happening.
Speaker 1:I had to watch half of it twice, man, because I was. I was like what is a whiplash? What is going on?
Speaker 2:oh, great stuff and sean penn, really good, went on to have a career how?
Speaker 1:how did we let that happen?
Speaker 2:Welcome to hey Watching with Dan and Tony. I'm Dan, I'm Tony. Each week on this podcast slash show we pick a movie, then we talk about the movie. This time I get to pick the movie. I went back to 1986, the year I was born for no, no, no, no, no. That can't be right you are not a year younger than me dan the year I could go to jail um. The movie I picked was Shanghai Surprise, starring Sean Penn and Madonna and a cast of Characters.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I mean Uncle Vernon is in there From Harry Potter. Looks exactly like he does in Harry Potter, which is what 20 years apart, which is crazy. Good for him, well, not good for him. Well, not good for him in this movie, because he's older he looks older than he is. But then he looks the same 20 years later. So 20 years later, good for him. You know he peaked early and now this movie. Yeah, I don't, I had never heard, have you heard, of this movie Tell?
Speaker 1:me the story of how you found this movie.
Speaker 2:Well back in the day Madonna was in Desperately Seeking Susan with Roseanne Arquette and I believe it was written and directed by Amy Heckerling. Okay, a real fun movie, real fun movie. Deckerling Okay, a real fun movie, real fun movie. She ends up, roseanne Arquette ends up getting Madonna's character's jacket, and then you know, you have sort of the mix up and you know somebody wants something and so you know she's like a suburban housewife who gets sort of drawn into this other. Madonna. No, no, no. Roseanne Arquette, sorry.
Speaker 1:Okay, sorry, okay, yeah. I was like wait, wait. That can't be right. Madonna can't be the housewife that gets pulled into it. That doesn't make sense. No, okay, I'm with you.
Speaker 2:She's sort of like dating the guy in the rock band. And then I think there's like expensive earrings. I think it's a pair earrings that the bad guy wants, and maybe they're in the pocket, I don't remember. I haven't seen that, wow, but it was something just fun. You know fun, humorous adventure. You know Madonna's character, you know street smart, you know all these things. Sure, they have to work together to defeat the bad guy and you're like, okay, this is, this is a movie. These are characters. We're going to places in the New York City-ish kind of places and things sort of happen and there's an amount of jeopardy, and then it's resolved Love it.
Speaker 2:That sounds like a movie. You know, the cops come in and slap the bracelets on the person and take them away.
Speaker 1:Yeah, haul them to jail.
Speaker 2:And so, of course, after that they're like Madonna she could be a movie star. She could be, and then, I believe this is her second movie.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I was going to look that up because I need a timeline of Madonna's acting career real quickly. Yeah, I believe, because I don't know what you're going to say. I believe this is quickly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I believe, because I don't know what you're going to say.
Speaker 1:I believe this is her second movie, I believe. Okay, I'm getting into it right now, Tony's getting into it. I'm digging deep guys. Get in there, Tony.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 1:I mean, first of all, her IMDb is way bigger than it should be, but I think a lot of it's music videos. Sure, of course, started 200 movies. All right, everybody, not madonna, madonna, yeah, these are all music videos. I don't want music. Desperately seeking sues in 1985, um, this is 86 and shanghai, surprise, is 1986, all right now. I have only seen madonna in two movies in my lifetime. Yes, Uh the first is of course Evita, if you remember that film I've never seen it.
Speaker 1:Uh, she gets to sing in it, which helps a great deal, do you know what I mean? Cause she's a wonderful singer. Yes, she's got a great voice. So that that one went okay. And then the other one I saw was I believe I told you last week Body of Lies with Willem Dafoe. And let me, dan, let me tell you something If you have any sort of ability not to be repulsed by Willem Dafoe, it's a great movie to watch. Oh my God, she's like dripping wax on him. It is a sexy, sexy movie. Horrible movie, awful, terrible movie. So sexy, so so sexy. Horrible movie, awful, terrible movie. So sexy, so so sexy.
Speaker 1:So, they got that part right. I'm trying to find where this came out, but this movie came out in 86.
Speaker 2:So it's one year after Desperately Seeking Susan.
Speaker 1:So in 1990, she did Dick Tracy. I don't remember that.
Speaker 2:She played the singer ingenue kind of character, and did not have a big part, but she was dating Warren Beatty, I believe at the time, I think Got it Okay.
Speaker 1:Isn't she dating Sean Penn during this movie.
Speaker 2:I believe they said she was married to him. Oh, they're married.
Speaker 3:So, sorry, I didn't mean to.
Speaker 1:Sorry, I have to back, I have to retract the statement. It's called Body of Evidence that's the name of the movie. Came out in 93, so many years later. She does a very sexy movie and I would say I would recommend checking it out guys if you're alone in the dark if you're, if you're feeling sad, just check that movie out. Um, but this movie way worse than all the ones that I just said.
Speaker 2:This is a bad movie, dan I guess on this movie okay, madonna was like the number one lead, you know, and then she had um say on who her male lead was right, okay, so she's like I want my husband well, I guess on the on the set when they're shooting the movie, he would be like you got to do this because you can't fire me, because she will only ever okay me as the male lead.
Speaker 1:He's got diplomatic immunity. Oh boy, this son of a bitch.
Speaker 2:So I mean, maybe it's his fault why this movie is so terrible.
Speaker 1:Here's what I will say Sean Penn, great actor. Right, Am I wrong? I feel like he's a very solid actor.
Speaker 2:I mean truthfully, I have not seen him in a lot, Really.
Speaker 1:I haven't seen a ton, but, like you know, mystic River, I've seen that. He's great in that. Yeah, he's great in Fast Times. Sure in that.
Speaker 3:He's great in Fast Times.
Speaker 1:Sure, and I guess I don't know. I'm sure he does other movies that he's good at. He's really bad in this movie.
Speaker 2:He's a number of different characters.
Speaker 1:All in the same movie. That's bad. Dan Like, if he shows up on a Monday, plays a character, shows up his next day's Thursday, he's a completely different character. That's bad. That's not a good actor.
Speaker 2:The first thing about this movie that makes it really bad is they don't know who either of these characters are.
Speaker 1:Both of them have severe inconsistencies throughout this film.
Speaker 2:It's brutal. He plays a guy. Let's start there.
Speaker 1:I guess we'll say he's a guy that's good baseline.
Speaker 2:Um, is he a sleaze? Is he a scammer? Is he, is he really street smart or is he not that street smart?
Speaker 1:he speaks chinese.
Speaker 2:I think he that's the one thing, that's the one consistency through the movie, is he does understand the language of chinese, both spoken and written which is pretty amazing.
Speaker 1:Right, and Mandarin as well, right, I feel like he, because there's both in the movie, I think, I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know if he speaks, because there's two different there's Mandarin and the other one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know. We're white Americans, we're pieces of shit. We don't know he understands the language in the movie.
Speaker 2:Yes, we set down that he can speak it and he can read it and write it to some extent. Other than that, I don't see a lot of real consistent character traits in him. Nope, you know, is he. You know I was going back to some classic movies, Romancing the Stone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, pure brilliant. Yeah, that's good. That's a good comparison, too Similar movie.
Speaker 2:It's a perfect comparison, because what's his name? I think it's kind of a drunk adventurer looking for whatever Are you looking for?
Speaker 1:Michael Douglas as the name.
Speaker 2:Yes, Michael Douglas' character and then what's your name? It's a romance writer who ends up there and they sort of have to bond together to sort of solve the problem right.
Speaker 1:So you don't know anyone in the movie. Is that what you're telling me?
Speaker 2:There's a romance writer, played by a woman and there's a man adventurer played by Melvin Douglas, kathleen Turner, michael Douglas, let's have a little reverence to these names people. I've explained it to you before Actors don't. Actors, who cares?
Speaker 1:You're right about that, if they can embody a character. I forget they even exist, which they both can, and that helps a lot, I think, in that movie.
Speaker 2:And she has to basically come out of her shell and not be a shut-in. And then he has to you know sort of we have to figure out if he's all in it for himself or if he actually cares about her. And you know, right at the end you finally have that you know point where he's disappeared, and then he comes back and he gives her a boat.
Speaker 1:I think, yeah, I remember that I remember he brings her a boat. Yeah, you go on a nice little journey with these people.
Speaker 2:This movie, Sean Penn's character. I don't know who the hell this guy is and, more importantly, I don't even know why he's in the movie.
Speaker 1:Either do they, because the scene where they pick him out on the street is asinine. It doesn't make any sense. All he's doing is yelling at a guy on a boat and they're like this is our guy, this is our guy that's going to smuggle opium.
Speaker 2:Is that what is happening? He's finding it. His character has two reasons. He can speak the language, and then somehow we figure out that he looks like China Doll's ex-boyfriend.
Speaker 1:Oh right, yeah, yeah, it kind of has a similar. Yeah, but not enough where we get to see two of them. That's a fun twist.
Speaker 2:If we had started the movie with him with a beard and something happens with that we'd be like oh, it's the Now. I get it, it's the Chris Rock, Anthony Hopkins movie. You know that's it's a bad trope, but it's a but it's a trope you can use. We can understand it. We're like that's why we need this idiot. He looks like that other idiot.
Speaker 1:Great, makes way more sense than just being like well, this guy speaks Chinese and that's it, let's bring him on, we're going to Everyone else on that street also smoke Chinese.
Speaker 2:We're going to figure out later that he looks like this person, when it's not not not part of our choice, but it's integral to our things happening.
Speaker 1:We're like just a happy accident, you know.
Speaker 2:Thank god he looks like him and, more importantly, what, what's his arc?
Speaker 1:uh, I have no idea. He doesn't really have an. He gets to have some crazy sex throughout the movie and that's about it. And then he's like, wow, my life's pretty good, and that's his story.
Speaker 2:That's his story, and then Madonna's character plays a missionary who we expect constantly to be revealed as either a con artist or a police officer or something.
Speaker 1:We just are waiting and waiting. I thought it was going to be the second one where she was like some sort of law and this was like a cover? Yeah, it wasn't, apparently. No, but she's a horrible, horrible. What do you mean? She's not good at the job, right, and as a missionary, yeah, as a missionary, she's bad. She's a bad missionary well, we have we're.
Speaker 2:You know we're going to go back to the other movie of comparison, guys and dolls oh, great, great guys, and dolls, when, when brando walks in, is what's? What's his name? That main character, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I was nicely nicely, johnson, that's all brando's the main guy.
Speaker 2:And then what's's her name? Sister Sarah is the missionary. She is full missionary until he feeds her the apple from the forbidden fruit. Yeah, the poison tree she is turned, and then she also turns him from being a malcontent gambler, because you're both.
Speaker 1:You're like this, and then you meet somewhere in the middle. That's what. That's what the characters do. Right, I'm bad, you're good.
Speaker 1:We're both somewhere in the middle madonna's character in some ways at times kind of worse than him well, not only that, but she says there's like references to when she was in I don't know what they call missionary school that's camber at catholic school or whatever and she would stay out past curfew like she broke all of these rules. She was a terrible kid as well, so she's never good, she's always just like. I mean, I'm in this job but I'm kind of a piece of shit, so we, we work out there's no commitment and you don't believe that she's ever been part of this.
Speaker 2:You're like when, like when is the commitment to win? What?
Speaker 1:are you doing? I mean, she has some epically terrible lines that delivered Like the way that she delivers them are so bad that it's just like ay, ay, ay. But you know, listen, she got to make movies so good for her.
Speaker 2:Good for her. So we start the movie. We're going to have 10 minutes of the setup.
Speaker 1:Well, first of all, we have the song Dan.
Speaker 2:Do you want to talk about the song? It is a banger.
Speaker 1:It is a banger. The Shanghai Surprise, written specifically for the film. If you do anything, just listen to the music. It's great. There's like one of the lines is you must be crazy, you've got no money and you're a liar. It's just kind of explaining the characters of the movie. It's great, but it doesn't really explain the plot of the movie, and that's what I liked about it, like it didn't make sense to the movie but it made sense to the people. It's great.
Speaker 2:Great song. Do you want to talk about? Who did the?
Speaker 1:music on this movie? I can't, because I don't know the answer to that. Who did it? One of the Beatles? Oh, the Beatles. Which one? Do you know any of the Beatles, ringo?
Speaker 2:Okay, keep going, ringo, see if you can get them all four and what bonus points if you get the original drummer.
Speaker 1:Ringo, oh, I mean, I'm not going to get any of these. Paul.
Speaker 2:What's his last name?
Speaker 1:McCartney. Okay, those are the two I remember off the top of my head. The one they shot, george Harrison.
Speaker 2:George Harrison did the music, and then John Lennon.
Speaker 1:John Lennon, oh shit.
Speaker 3:I forgot about Lennon by far. All right, the most famous of the Beatles. Yeah, my bad, tony can't come up with his name.
Speaker 2:That's Bush League. So George Harrison did the music, did like five or six songs. They were supposed to put out a soundtrack album which they never did.
Speaker 1:Oh, they never did. I would have bought it right now. I would have picked that up. On LP you did right now, I would have picked that up on lp you did not really like the music in this movie. I thought it was hilarious. I mean, is it something that I would listen to unironically? No, no, no, but what a treat. It's so weird and off-putting.
Speaker 2:You're just like and it's like bing, bing, bing, bing.
Speaker 1:You know it's like weird oriental closes which I opens and closes which I feel like never happens. So that's good. Good job everybody.
Speaker 2:Okay, he was also an executive producer on the movie and had to fly to wherever they were filming it in the east, you know, to yell at people, at least once.
Speaker 1:He should have done it more than that probably 1937, shanghai.
Speaker 2:The Japanese are occupying. We meet our main guy, we meet Willie, and then we also meet the king of opium, whose name is Walter Faraday. And they are fleeing from the part that's getting taken over by some occupation to another part and they've got boxes full of opium. They get stopped by this dude who's the head of the police, and we're not sure what he wants, because the opium just gets taken away, taken away, yep, and then he and Faraday sort of battle. His name, he has a terrible name. What is his name? I wrote it down.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to guess, because it'd be racist Maygan Mygan.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my God. So he pulls. Finally we end up with him with the money belt from Faraday and he goes through it. He pulls out US dollars, usd throws it on the ground, throws it away. Yep, this was my first point where I was like this is a terrible movie.
Speaker 1:No one throws away USD, just put it in your pocket, just put it in your pocket. Usd is USD, just put it in your pocket.
Speaker 2:Just put it in your pocket. Usd is USD. It's always good. It's what we send on pallets to the Middle East, because everybody wants USD.
Speaker 1:And I think at the time I don't know the history I bet the dollar was strong. You know what I mean. I'm just going to throw this out there.
Speaker 2:So then he pulls out the passports, gets rid of them, pulls out the gold, puts the gold away. And then we get to the last one and he says what's in this last pouch of your money belt? And he's like nothing. You're going to want Mothballs, Mothballs. You're like wait a second, Hold on, You're carrying around mothballs. Why would you say mothballs? I don't understand. I don't understand what that is. It's not a joke.
Speaker 3:I have no idea, it's just so weird.
Speaker 2:So he's all like, ah, this is probably where there's something special, he opens it yeah this will be the good stuff. And it explodes and blows off both of his hands completely and we get to see it, dan I I gotta tell you this.
Speaker 1:First 10 minutes of this movie I was like this movie's gonna kick ass. This is gonna be hilarious. Like you know, I'm in the mood for some pulpy, ridiculous fun. And we get to see this guy pull up with his bloody nubs and scream and I was like yes, yes, sir. Nothing like that happens for the rest of the movie. This is the most exciting thing that happens in the whole movie. It was hilarious.
Speaker 2:And this is what a Shanghai surprise is.
Speaker 1:We don't learn that now right?
Speaker 2:No, we learn much later. I was trying to remember.
Speaker 1:They don't say that for another 45 minutes to an hour where they're like oh yeah, by the way, the exploding belt, that's the Shanghai surprise of the title of the movie. I was like what? What are you talking about? That can't be right. It is Apparently, it is yeah.
Speaker 2:So the dudes flee. They're going to try to swim to their freedom, and it looks like Walter Faraday is shot.
Speaker 1:Looks like, looks like them and it looks like walter faraday is shot looks like.
Speaker 2:Looks like. Now. What we're gonna have is we're gonna meet. One year later we're at the port. Here comes the missionary dude and madonna's character, whose name is, is, uh, miss track tractor or something. First name gl Gloria. Go with Tractor we're just going to call her Madonna because, mrs Tatlock, I did not register this name for a good hour, didn't register for an hour, and then they said it a hundred times in the last half an hour, which was very strange.
Speaker 1:Well, they just wanted. They felt the same way you did as they were going through dailies. They were like, yeah, we don't say the name enough so far. Let's really hit it hard these last few days.
Speaker 2:Missionary and Madonna. Madonna's a sub missionary, sub missionary, sub missionary Spoilers. The missionary guy is Faraday in disguise. Did you figure it out?
Speaker 1:Is it bad if I say no, because I didn't? No, I think he does an incredible job, okay, cool, yeah, I had no idea, no idea. And that's why I had to watch part of it over again, like I said earlier, because when we got to the end I was like wait, what the fuck? You didn't realize. I wanted to go back and be like did they change actors?
Speaker 3:oh?
Speaker 1:yeah, and they didn't.
Speaker 2:I'm just an idiot I he just he puts on a really good voice. Yeah, the amazing. You know, he's got the things on and the old hair and you're like he embodies a different, a completely different character 100 100%. Incredibly impressive.
Speaker 1:I'm glad that we both had the same reaction, because I was embarrassed.
Speaker 2:But I feel a little bit better now. I pay very close attention to voices and I hear voice. We'll be watching animated things and I'll be like, oh, that's this person and this person and this person. I'm pretty good at hearing for voices. I didn't get it at all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, he did a good job so they are down at the.
Speaker 2:They're down there looking for somebody to help them. Sean penn's gonna be their guy because he's yelling at a guy in a boat who has done a tattoo and then left of a naked lady on his arm and then left off off the nipples.
Speaker 1:He didn't even finish the nipples on my sweetheart. What a line, what a perfect line that is.
Speaker 2:And we're immediately like what? What is happening? He is greasy and horrible. He's gross.
Speaker 1:But he's got the most eyeliner you'll see for 40 years Between this and Pirates of the Caribbean. That's the two most eyeliners you'll ever see. And in this it doesn't make any sense. At least in Pirates it kind of makes sense Like Johnny works with it. This just looks like he's wearing eyeliner mascara all over the place and I don't know why, just in this scene or in the whole movie. No, no, it's the whole movie. They're dark the whole movie. I don't know why.
Speaker 2:So we find out that he's down to his last $10. These guys want him someone who speaks Chinese because they're trying to find the father or son of an injured man, something, something weird. And then he's got a couple of crates full of painted ties which has naked ladies painted on them, which was absolutely a thing that you had done over in Europe, I mean in Asia and then shipped back to the United States. These kind of painted ties were a thing that people would buy as a business.
Speaker 1:And they were also. Are they glow-in-the-dark? He might have said glow-in-the-dark. Yeah, it's possible. I feel like he did, and I was kind of excited by it. I thought that that was a fun idea.
Speaker 2:What they would do is they'd actually paint them with maybe not these, but, like you know, like watches that have glow in the dark. Yeah. They would paint them with radium, which is like I don't think that's good Like uranium, and the girls would dip, they would, and then they dip it in there and then they paint them and they all got mouth cancer.
Speaker 1:Oh no, Well, you know, worth it because it's pretty cool welcome to the past yeah, well, is it all the past and we're not great now either?
Speaker 2:he's no, we're not. He's mr wasey, glendon wasey. Yeah, these names are terrible, yeah yeah, he's mr.
Speaker 1:He's Mr Swayze, if anything.
Speaker 2:So here they go. Madonna and him are now paired up to go try to find this dude, and he wants to get drunk, and so he's like give me. Then she's like no, and then she's like give me money for rice. She's like, okay, here's a dime. And then he takes the dime and goes buy booze and he's all like ha, ha, ha, rice wine. So now we enter into this like sort of 20 minutes of the movie where she is providing him with cash to do things, and it's just nothing to do, nothing Like.
Speaker 1:It doesn't progress the story, it doesn't progress the characterizations. I don't know what we're doing. We're floundering.
Speaker 2:They go to find the rickshaw king, because the guy was a rickshaw driver.
Speaker 1:And now, what is that? Is that the carts? Yeah, that's a rickshaw. Okay, you don't know that word.
Speaker 2:You could have looked it up. I don't know the word. You could have looked it up, don't?
Speaker 1:know the word and I've never seen these carts before and I was like what is happening? Why are people pulling other people? This is terrible.
Speaker 2:You've never seen a rickshaw.
Speaker 1:I don't think so. I mean, the closest I've seen is like when I go down to the beach and they pull me in a little carriage on their bicycles, which is quite nice. It's called a pedicart. Yeah, so.
Speaker 2:I love pedicarts.
Speaker 1:Don't love rickshaws, that feels bad.
Speaker 2:So you'll have some guy ride a bike to move you around, but a guy picking up a thing and running with you. That's unacceptable, it feels very different to me.
Speaker 1:At least the bicycle has gears. You know what I mean. Makes it a little easier because you pedal less for more momentum or something. That's how gears work. Right, it's a gearing ratio. Yeah, exactly, yeah, ratios.
Speaker 2:So these guys are the rickshaw people are all betting on fighting crickets. She has to get money to bribe a guy, and then they.
Speaker 1:How do you tell them apart? Dan, I couldn't tell. It just showed like two bugs rolling around and people are betting. But I'm like how do you know who you're betting on? Usually you would paint a colored dot, you'd mark it, you'd paint a colored dot on the back of them. I'm just curious how it all worked. But they didn't do that. I knew you'd know. Yeah, I'm putting those insect bets down.
Speaker 2:Uh, then they. When they mentioned the guy's name, everyone gets angry at them. And then we have a a wonderful wick rickshaw race where they flee in a rickshaw, first of all, they they're able to. They're next to people who want to kill them. Then they run to rickshaws and have time to get into rickshaws and taken away before these people can catch up to them.
Speaker 1:Not only that, but then those people are still chasing them. Not only that, but then those people are still chasing them and somehow the people who are pulling other people in a cart outrun people that aren't pulling other people. That doesn't make sense to me. These rickshaw guys are so fast.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Very confusing.
Speaker 2:And they're chased by another Westerner in a rickshaw. Eventually they go downstairs, the guy crashes into birds and we find out that his name is Justin Kronk and he wants to help them.
Speaker 1:That's what he says, but I don't know why and I don't know why.
Speaker 2:Basically everybody in this movie is just waiting around for whatever the MacGuffin is to show up, be it opium or something else we find out later, Sure.
Speaker 1:So everybody's just waiting around to grab onto it, but how do they all know what they're all looking for? You know like it's confusing to me, because this guy, he's like hey, don't hurt me, I'm on your side, but how does he know he's on their side? All they did was mention the guy's name. I guess that's enough.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Well, what it is. Have you ever seen the Maltese Falcon?
Speaker 1:I mean 50 years ago.
Speaker 2:Okay, so you've seen the Maltese. Basically, the Maltese Falcon is. It's this, you know thing that everybody's chasing, and then you keep on allying with new people, as as, as it goes along, and everyone's waiting there to double cross everybody else at a certain point, and you know, as it progresses, from city to city, as they, as they, chase this thing down. So that's the idea is there's already a group of people Willie and crunk who are?
Speaker 1:Who've been looking for it?
Speaker 2:Who have been looking for it, and now they're like oh, you mentioned the name.
Speaker 1:You must be looking for it as well. Let's team up.
Speaker 2:Okay, the whole thing is heating up.
Speaker 1:They're heating up. That's NBA Jam.
Speaker 2:They have to go see this other guy who so Crunk says go see this other guy. They go see him and he's like oh, give me money and we do all this weird sexual innuendo.
Speaker 1:You didn't like it. No, I didn't like it, it was just weird. Yeah, that's why it's funny. If it was done like well, it wouldn't be nearly as funny, dan, you know what I mean? The fact that you're listening to it and you're like what the fuck? That's what makes it nice.
Speaker 2:So he takes them after they give up money. It's either $40 or more than $40. I don't know.
Speaker 1:I have no idea. It worked out though.
Speaker 2:He takes them to this boat and he's like he's down in there, they look in there and he pushes them in and there's lots of stinky fish.
Speaker 1:And now let me just say two things Right. One, this guy is the grandpa from Three Ninjas. Okay, and he's wonderful, I love him. But hearing him say weird sexual things is very off-putting for me. And when he says the line, what does he call her vagina, dan?
Speaker 2:It was like oh, he says twin pagodas. I wrote that down, I didn't. Like you know place of ultimate comfort or something like that.
Speaker 1:Something. It's something like that and it is so skeezy. It's just very off-putting, because he plays such a wholesome character in my childhood that it's very strange Anyhow. But then so, getting back to what you're saying, they look down this little pit and Sean Penn's like there's nobody down there. He's like well, we better rectify that. And then he pushes them in and there's a sound effect, I think part of this movie thinks that it's like a screwball comedy. And if it was a?
Speaker 2:screwball comedy. It might be okay, but it's also not a screwball comedy at the same time.
Speaker 1:It never reaches that level, but every once in a while it's like okay Cause. There's like okay Because when he pushes him in there's some sort of sound effect and you're like okay, that doesn't fit this movie. So far, one guy got his hands blown off and was waving them around, and now you're like whoop.
Speaker 2:It's very strange. I know it was weird. So then they go to baths and Madonna's there and he's there and as they come out he continues to be stinky. But she is no longer stinky and we do that for a few minutes. What I don't know A few minutes.
Speaker 1:He takes three baths in this movie for some reason, like in a row. I don't get it, man, I don't understand it.
Speaker 2:So they go back someplace, andc is there and we we sort of find out that everybody's searching for this. Uh, the real thing is everybody's searching for the opium. The good guys want it so they could turn it into morphine for the war effort. The bad guys want it because it's money and it's called.
Speaker 1:They call it faraday's flowers, like okay yeah, which is the title of the book that it's based on, I believe yeah, um, she leaves his tizer at the mission.
Speaker 2:Okay, whatever. So he goes back to the mission. They give him a ticket to la and say if you help us, here's your ticket. I don't know why they didn't just keep the ticket in a drawer and say after you solve the thing, so you don't generally give him the ticket before he accomplishes the task.
Speaker 1:If you're ever trying to entice someone to do something, don't give them the reward before they do it. That's just a note for your life, everybody.
Speaker 2:And he of course uses the line mighty white of you.
Speaker 1:He does. I noticed that too. I mean, the first scene comes out with a derogatory term for Japanese, like right out the bat, and it took me a minute to settle back into. Like yeah, yeah, this was 60 years ago. Like don't hold up on those, because you're not going to be able to watch this movie at all. So there's some stuff in here that's hard to watch.
Speaker 2:You're just like oh God, okay. So now they're at the dinner club. Cronk is there. Willie shows up and then we realize that he looks like this old guy, phil Borak, who this woman, china Doll, who was Faraday's main squeeze, looks like. So the idea is we're going to send him out to talk to China Doll and try and get information out of her. We don't say all these things. We just sort of send him out there, there, and I guess this is sort of the understanding.
Speaker 1:I'm glad that you understood it, because I'm pretty confused this whole time.
Speaker 2:It's confusing, it's weird. So they get there and there's a boat to take him out to Chinadal's boat because she has like her own junk out there in the thing where she lives, and then he's all like I'm not going to go For no reason. He decides he's not going to go. Not at all. Madonna has pickpocketed him and has his ticket which she says I'm going to tear this up if you don't go.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:She pickpocketed him yes.
Speaker 1:Yep, because she's a bad person. We already talked about it. She's not a missionary, because she also picks a lock at some point.
Speaker 2:No, she kind of does.
Speaker 1:A kind of Listen, she kind of does, is enough. That's more than I could do. I would take a hairpin and I would just smash it around a lock for a while, because that's what I saw in supernatural. But that's not gonna work yeah, that won't work.
Speaker 2:You know why it won't work? No, I don't, because if you're ever watching them do lock picking, you gotta do two things, you gotta okay you got a tension wrench, which is the thing which puts tension on the little thing that turns right, and then you put the other thing in that manipulates the pins.
Speaker 1:Right, which is what the edges of the key does.
Speaker 2:And so if you manipulate it, they'll slowly catch, and then, when all the pins have caught, then the tension wrench turns it around.
Speaker 1:Dan, why do you know how to pick a lock? Because that seemed pretty specific and I feel like it might work, Because I was a child.
Speaker 2:You teach yourself that stuff when you're a child, right? Didn't you teach yourself lock picking? Didn't you study the life of Harry Houdini.
Speaker 1:I used to ride my three-speed off of little jumps that we made in the backyard and pretend I was a badass. That's what we did as kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah, See you were just being lame in a more lame way?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I used to do the. What was the Skip it? Remember the skip it? Well, we used to do a lot of skip its. That's where, like there's a circle, you put it around your ankle and then there's a chain that goes to a ball. You jump over it with the other leg and it counts how many circles you do. That was cool.
Speaker 2:I think our big lockpicking thing was we went to the park and we unlocked the thing that was in charge of the sprinkler system, so we could have taken charge of the sprinklers in the park. Oh, did you turn the?
Speaker 1:sprinklers on, or did you just unlock it and leave it? I think we just unlocked it and looked at it. Yeah, that sounds about right that way. On Monday, when the groundskeeper came back and be like, dude, I forget to lock this.
Speaker 2:That's a good prank dude, I'm sure I've relocked it. I'm sure I didn't leave it on. I wouldn't want some hoodlums.
Speaker 1:I went back after all, my friends went away and I locked it again because I felt bad, okay, so he gets out there and here we go.
Speaker 2:So here's China doll on the boat, there's like porcelain dolls, and this is when things get like the Orientalism which is like when you take anything from the Orient and make it like ancient Chinese secret no tiki, no laundry, and make it like you know ancient Chinese secret. You know no tiki, no laundry. It's so like weirdly racist. And these characters aren't human beings, they're just sort of these weird Western obsessed archetypes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's troubling, it's uncomfortable.
Speaker 2:So she wants to have sex with him. Madonna is why? Madonna? Because she looks like the dude she wants to nuke is that it?
Speaker 1:that's the whole thing. You think, okay, it's very weird. She doesn't say that just for the record. Nope, um, and it's just all of a sudden she's like laying him down and and being like you, you're going to have sex with me. And he's like wait, I am here for a different reason. She's like you're going to have sex with me. And then he gets this weird shit-eating grin on his face, as if Sean Penn himself is like this is a cool movie, I'm so glad I'm here. It's so weird, dan, I'm so confused.
Speaker 2:They have sex. They draw on each other. She's like draw the whip on me. And then she's like now we're gonna do the horse in the whip. And he's like, where's the whip? And then she like starts whipping her hair back and forth her hair, which which you're like.
Speaker 1:Okay, no listen, I'm not saying it's not gonna work. It's definitely gonna work. It's just we.
Speaker 2:I just don't understand why it's happening you know, but madonna is on the dock chain smoking because there's like 30 cigarettes on the ground.
Speaker 1:She's so in love with him I don't know, dan, I don't know. It's very strange and it gets weirder in the next scene. Let me just I have to go back real quickly Before they have sex they give him a bath and she's like here's some drugs to take.
Speaker 2:He eats all the drugs and nothing happens.
Speaker 1:That was weird, but this is the second bath in a row that he takes.
Speaker 2:Hold on, we got to do one more thing, this is like my favorite thing because it's so weird. The girl is like she has a trained courtesan, she knows the chair, she knows the obedient wife, she knows the passion, passive acceptance, and she does like six or seven of these weird things. It's like, oh my god, this is so bad, it's so bad, it's all weird, man, it's all weird yeah. That's it. Do you have anything else? You were going to say something else.
Speaker 1:No, I was going to bring up the bath again, because they keep bathing him and I don't understand why this is happening over and over in the movie. Like, what is the point of this? It's very strange.
Speaker 2:And also for a broke guy. This guy has an extensive wardrobe that he is constantly changing into. That always looks good.
Speaker 2:He's got like 20 outfits, always looks great he goes home to his hotel, there's Madonna sleeping in his bed. She gets up, she's angry. He's all like, I'm not angry, I'm doing good. He wants to have his breakfast and get a good rest, but of course crunk. He goes down for breakfast and then crunk is there and then he's grabbed by the police and he's taken away to megan, who is the guy with the with the no hands yeah, which, by the way, those they're very creepy, they're creepy.
Speaker 2:The hands that they got for him were creepy, yeah so he, the guy's hands are blown off now has ceramic hands and he is going to torture to get information we don't know what the information is, and then he gets the neck stabber, which stabs his neck yeah.
Speaker 1:And then I think this which is what a weird machine Does the scene just sort of end. How does that scene end? He basically says, like I'll do it for you.
Speaker 2:I'm pretty sure he gives in. Oh, he's like I'm going to go back to see China Doll and get the information.
Speaker 1:That's what it is. Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Speaker 2:He goes back to Madonna. She's like, thank God, you're all right, but he's drunk. Oh no, she finds him in bed or something, and he's drunk and he's hurt, yeah, and then so, oh God. And so she's like I still need you to do this. So she undresses, talks about missionary school, she gets into bed, she takes off her bra, she climbs on top of him. Hold on, hold on. She climbs on top of him and then she grinds on him. He's all like get away from me, I don't like you.
Speaker 2:And she grinds on him and then he's all like I guess if you're going to grind on me that hard, we're going to have sex.
Speaker 1:Yes, in a nutshell, this is what happens. So what she says is she needs to have sex with him in order to obligate him yes, to finish her task. Yes, what a weird fucking. This is the strangest scene I've ever seen in my life. And she starts undressing and sean penn is like nope, I'm not even gonna look, I'm not looking. And then, you know, she starts doing what you said, with the grinding and the looking sexy, and makes her grab her, makes him grab her boobies at one point. And then he finally starts. He yells I'm obligated'm obligated. And then he plows her. Dan, yes, what the hell is happening in this scene? This is so weird. It's so uncomfortable for me to watch. I'm confused. She's hot, duh. He would not be against this One.
Speaker 2:So point number one.
Speaker 1:Sean Penn this second. She's like hey, you want to do it? Sean Penn's like yeah, for sure, without a doubt. Two she's doing it almost against her own will Because she's like I don't really want to do this, which I think she kind of does. Told me she was chain smoking because I think she was upset that he was sleeping with China doll. So I think that she likes him yes but it's not coming through.
Speaker 1:I don't know if that's the performance or the script, so, like, part of hers doesn't seem to want to do it, but she's gonna do it. He doesn't want to do it, but he's gonna do do it. It's all weird.
Speaker 3:I didn't like it.
Speaker 1:I didn't like it. All right, I'm done, I'm calm. Actually, I'm not calm because the next scene is even worse, but she's very good looking. Dude Watch, body of Evidence man. I'm telling you.
Speaker 2:It's like the China doll scenes. You're like okay, whatever. Then Madonna gets in there. You're like oh yeah, she's magnetic and charismatic.
Speaker 1:She's alluring, as they say, when you give her something like this to do you're like I'll buy it.
Speaker 2:She's got a lot going on.
Speaker 1:Last pitch, body of evidence. Everybody should watch it. It's incredible. So then, what happens, dan? What happens when they wake up? Why don't you tell us she's been?
Speaker 2:boozing. She's been boozing why? I shamelessly blackmailed you. I released you from your obligation. Oh, she's in love. They're in love.
Speaker 1:She feels bad that she had sex with him. That's what is happening right now. What are you talking about? She is so upset that she forced herself on him that she is like you know what? I know that we had sex, but you don't have to do it. If you don't want to, it's fine. So this guy convinces her to have sex with him and then also doesn't have to do his duties. How is this happening? This doesn't. I was livid. This doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
Speaker 2:It's called a perfect world it's.
Speaker 1:Sean penn is just a puppeteer man. He's just crushing it out there. It is so weird. This is the strangest sequence ever.
Speaker 2:She sits in the windowsill, then falls backwards out the window, to her death, but not not to her death.
Speaker 1:Just to six inches.
Speaker 2:A bunch of ducks and dirt and she's all dirty and you're all like, oh, now we're getting somewhere.
Speaker 1:It's so weird. And then they're just laughing and having a good time and they're in love. Right, they're in love.
Speaker 2:This is the point at which they've gone from not being in love to being in love.
Speaker 1:There is oh, oh, where is it? There's a line where she is like hey, she's crying in the dirt, this is what it is. And she's basically like I'm, I'm the worst, I'm so sorry, I did this to you. Like why, why? And he's like I'll still do the job, yeah. So she asks him why would you be willing to do the job if you didn't want to last night? And he says, quite frankly, I couldn't stand you then, so he hated her yesterday.
Speaker 1:But now that she's had sex with him. He's like I'll do whatever you want, because now I like you, Now that you're of use to me sexually, now I like you. It's so gross. I hate this. I hate this three minutes segment. I hate it.
Speaker 2:I liked it. She was all dirty, surrounded by ducks. I'm like, here we go. This is some good stuff. I love ducks, I love ducks, so she's all like it's too bad, you didn't get any information he's all like.
Speaker 1:actually, I was able to get all the information I needed in the world Pretty much got everything we needed, so don't worry about it.
Speaker 2:And then we have this weird flashback where it's like he didn't do anything. China doll just gives him all the information.
Speaker 1:It's such a weird. This is such a weird flashback. We flashback there mid her seducing him, straddling him on top, and she stops and is like why don't you really tell me why you're here, what, why, why would you care? You're seducing him? This movie is bizarre.
Speaker 2:And so basically, she just gives him another name. You know, this is like. This is one of those movies where it's like here's a name, go to this place.
Speaker 1:Here's a name, go to this place Go see this guy yeah.
Speaker 2:So they go oh wait, no, they go to. They go to see Jogo. Yeah, they go to see Jogo who's at the polo club? And we find out the exploding belt is Shanghai Surprise. And then he's like, well, I spent money because he was going to buy the opium. And she's all like, well, here's $38. Why don't you give us the opium? And then he's all like, no, that's not enough money, enough money. And then Sean Penn's like, wait, I have something that you want. And so he throws a baseball Cause. Uh, joe go is obsessed with baseball, I guess. And then we have this weird process shot of a ball flying through the spinning not spinning very that's key.
Speaker 2:And then he's all like Joe goes like what is that? That's not a pitch, I know. And then he's all like that's a knuckleball, knuckleball. And he's like you gotta teach me the knuckleball and I'll let you have the opium, which I don't have. But I'll give you another name.
Speaker 1:What? This doesn't make any sense. This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. I don't even know what to say. Dad, this floored me. He threw a knuckleball First of all. Perfect knuckleball, right.
Speaker 3:I mean he did a great job, was it really I?
Speaker 1:don't know it didn't move at all. Isn't that the point? I don't know it didn't move at all. Isn't that the point? I don't know, because I think the point is a knuckleball doesn't spin, so it doesn't catch the wind correctly, so it kind of like moves.
Speaker 2:Oh, I see so yes.
Speaker 1:I think I'm pretty sure that's what it does Got it Again. I guess you know what.
Speaker 2:He's knuckleball is either, so I'll I'll give him anything he wants if he teaches me the knuckleball. Yeah, because normally a ball goes zoops in there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's it because they grab them. You grab them by the uh, the stitching, you know, so they can well. Yeah, so the fastball is a finger on each seam, oh right, okay yoink a curveball, you do two on one seam and throw your wrist that way so it hits it. Slider is the opposite, like that Knuckleball doesn't spin so it catches the wind. I think that's all of them. I don't know. I played baseball 20 years ago. I don't know.
Speaker 2:Guys there it is Tony's Tony on baseball. Good, thank you, tony. So yeah, he's like you're't know, guys. There, it is Tony's Tony on baseball. Good, thank you, tony. So yeah, and he's like you're going to teach me. He's like I'll teach you later, you're going to teach me now. I guess he taught him now, I don't know we don't see it. We don't see it, so we're not quite sure.
Speaker 1:I'm like maybe.
Speaker 2:They go to an opium den. They get grabbed by everyone in the opium den because they have money. But then the dude that worked for Faraday comes out. He's got the stabbed neck, so they bond over that. Then we start talking about the Phoenix. I don't know what this Phoenix stuff is about. It's weird.
Speaker 1:Not a clue, didn't even write it down. That's how much I didn't understand what was happening.
Speaker 2:So we go have another dinner with Willie and Kronk and we find out that the, the guy with the Was an ex-warlord, the guy with the hands. And then they're like Kronk, what do you want? And he's like I want to get paid, okay.
Speaker 1:Is this the scene that starts with them Pulling a gun on Sean Penn in his like apartment?
Speaker 2:no, this is just a dinner, all right all right, okay, so we go back to, we do another Jogo thing where he talks about the Phoenix and mythology and it's baffling, and then he just leaves. Okay, that's Jogo, I know what that's about. And then it's the next day and Sean Penn is leaving and he's like I guess that's it, this is the big goodbye. They put Madonna in a taxi and then they kiss and we started another bad song and he goes back to his hotel room and there's Willie and Kronk with the gun, and then this is the first and only moment of Sean Penn's character that I enjoy.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, because it's not a part of his character, but it should be like this should be.
Speaker 2:So they pull the gun on him. This is the character he should have been through the whole thing.
Speaker 1:This is the character he should have been. So they pull the gun on him and then one of the guys feels bad about it and puts the gun. He's like oh I'm sorry, I hate these things. And Sean Penn literally pulls the gun back up and he's like you, that's the guy he should be a badass. That's the guy that we need, and that's it. He should be a badass that was the only moment.
Speaker 2:He's never a badass in this movie. You're just like how Nope.
Speaker 1:Well, this one moment, yeah, this one little moment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so they pull out a newspaper in there.
Speaker 3:I'm like see this looted, the royal tombs along with what's his name, and then I guess the tombs were the person who China doll thinks she is Right.
Speaker 2:So they're like you got to go back to China, doll, because there's more to get out of her.
Speaker 1:And she so she thinks she's an Empress.
Speaker 2:I didn't understand. She thinks she's a reincarnation of the Empress.
Speaker 1:She's the Phoenix reborn. But, like, legitimately, why not? Oh, because it's confusing, yeah, and kind of weird, I don't know.
Speaker 2:So he goes there and then my god tells another whole another story and they talk about how they they, my god looted the thing and they stole a bunch of gems and jewels. And that's what this is really all about. It's not about the opium, it's about a bunch of gems and jewels. And then she, like, shows that what's his name, pulled out all of her fingernails yeah, which is that's that would.
Speaker 1:That's the one that would get me, I think, in a torture oh as opposed to getting my fingernails pulled out.
Speaker 2:I've stabbed into your neck, so you die. Well, yeah, because here's the thing, right tell me the.
Speaker 1:Thing you're gonna kill me, yeah, or you're not, like there's not a lot of lingering pain, but the fingernails. I'm not going to die, I'm just going to be in a lot of pain. And after that first one, you're like, okay, that was a 12 on the pain scale. I don't think I can do that nine more times. Guys, please, I'll tell you anything you want. Well, you'll tell them anything you want, but you can do it nine more times. I have faith in you. Tony, can I Maybe I'll just pass out, just pull it out, I'll just pass right out. So then I think, does she give him the stuff now? I don't know.
Speaker 2:You're the one that takes notes.
Speaker 2:No he doesn't. No, nope, not yet she's going to. I only have two more notes for the whole movie. He has to go back to the boat one more time, because we have to go to that boat three times. Uh, three times. There it is. So he, he, he, I guess, gets off the boat and he's wandering in the middle of this big flat plane and a car picks him up. And then they shoot at the car and then here comes my gun again. He's like you have solved the mystery, you're gonna get the jewels. And then he's like now we shake on it. And then he goes to shake and then the guy with the ceramic hands grabs both of his hands and sort of crushes his hand. But there's also smoke blowing up behind him, because I think there's a cigarette, that's not. So you're like there's smoke and hand crushing and I'm like is this what he did to to china?
Speaker 3:doll's hands.
Speaker 2:I didn't realize it was her her nails being pulled out. I was like what's happening?
Speaker 1:oh, do you think they popped off? I just didn't know that makeup was really weird squeezed her hands so hard, their nails just popped off that would be great makeup confused me I was like what's happening?
Speaker 2:I get it like like in a movie where you see a guy's hands blown off. I'm like you gotta be more specific maybe. Maybe have one of her fingers cut off, you know? Yeah, there you go. Fingernails, there you go.
Speaker 1:Fingernails. I mean because again we see the bloody stuff. I mean his shirt's tore. There's bone sticking out. It's great, it's a great first scene.
Speaker 2:So he's all like okay, I'll give you the jewels, I'm going to get you the jewels. He's all like okay, we're good, yeah, the mission. Or he goes somewhere where what's her name is, where Madonna is, and they're like oh no he goes back to the mission and they're like we don't fence stuff, we only can have the opium. He's like we'll get you the jewels and then you can sell the jewels and he's all like no we don't want to do that, we only want opium, because opium is what we need.
Speaker 1:And you're just like what are we talking about?
Speaker 2:Okay, we have a meeting. It's a big meeting. I don't know who the meeting is. They say you wish to help? Oh, he goes back to China Dong and meets with her and he says, come on, you got to do this because oh no, it's Madonna goes. We send Madonna this time, that's what it is. Madonna goes and she's all like you got to do this because we don't want to buy guns, we want to buy opium to make people feel better.
Speaker 1:Make people better. Yeah, we're good people.
Speaker 2:And so she's all like okay, here you go, she gives, she gives up the jewels bag of jewels pretty easily, pretty easily, honest. Yeah, they're hidden inside a big porcelain figure sort of I guess, maybe I don't know. Yeah, they go back. So madonna comes back there. There's sean penn and lo, and behold, the bad cops are there waiting for them to reach and, uh, what's your name sails away. They're like, okay, give us the things. And then they're like and we do running around. And then what's his name shows up in his car. And then they do driving around, yeah and then, oh my god, what's it?
Speaker 1:I don't even know what happens there's a lot there, lot of twisting that happens in the next like 20 minutes of this movie. That's going to take just as long to explain.
Speaker 2:So then they try to run back to the boat and then they're caught, and then Madonna yells at him and then he gets back to the money belt. So, lo and behold, sean Penn has a money belt and they're hidden in there. Well, since he went back to Jogo's place off, screen, he went back to Jogo's place. So, Tony, here's your assignment Name. Three things that were in the money belt oh, I can't do that.
Speaker 1:I don't even. I don't even know any of them. You know, come on, tony, you know some of them. I don't remember any of them you don't remember all I remember. Okay, all I remember is what happens much later.
Speaker 2:I have one more note for this whole movie, dan so what he has in the money belt, he has his black book, he has an expired library card.
Speaker 1:He has a Lone Ranger badge. Oh, I did remember the library card. Damn it.
Speaker 2:He has silk stockings, because you never know what silk stockings will get you. When you're alone in a room at night, you might need to jerk off in some silk stockings.
Speaker 1:It's something soft. You don't want something harsh.
Speaker 2:You stockings, it's something soft. You know you don't want something harsh. You don't like a rock. You know rock is not gonna do it. Some stockings will do it. A hershey bar there were some photos of girls and then we get to the last one. He's all like he what's his name? Thinks there's gonna be a bomb in there. So he's all like open the last one. He's like there's just mothballs in here. He's like you're opening that one and as he opens it.
Speaker 2:Jogo and his guy dive to the ground, he opens it and he says what's in that? One last one is mothballs. He opens it, mothballs fall out and he's like yeah, you're right okay, mothballs. Then he gives hilarious he gives it back to him, and then it explodes I guess.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't, there was some sort of time delay on it. I don't understand he.
Speaker 2:He knew that the best. I don't understand.
Speaker 1:Well, you see, that's what the mothballs do, they? They slowed down the deterioration of the gunpowder.
Speaker 2:But there was I don't understand, Okay the deterioration of the gunpowder.
Speaker 3:But there was I don't understand, okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, it doesn't make any sense at all. Kills everyone.
Speaker 2:Knocks them into the water. Madonna's character. They ADR in there. Yeah, did you forget? I don't know how to swim, yeah, and then they're both out of the water, did I? Forget that.
Speaker 1:Because I don't remember learning that I don't know, I don't understand.
Speaker 2:Why do you ADR a line in there about her not being able to swim, when her not being able to swim doesn't even come?
Speaker 1:up. It doesn't matter, because she gets out just fine.
Speaker 2:I don even come up, it doesn't matter, because she gets out just fine. Uh, and then he's hidden the jewels in the boat.
Speaker 1:Jogo steals them this. So this, wait, that's my favorite part of the whole movie, dan. Okay, yeah, he. So I don't even know what's happened. I think sean penn's holding the jewels and jogo says something about something and then he grabs the Jules and he goes but robbery is better and then runs away.
Speaker 2:I don't understand what's happening and then Madonna knees him in the balls down on foot and then Sean Penn uses the baseball to knock out the henchmen and he's all like if I'd have been a better pitcher, if, if I'd have had this control, back in the day I'd be pitching for the Yankees, pitching for the Yankees, what is happening? And that felt like me what this movie was. This should have all been about him being a failed baseball player, right.
Speaker 1:Well, at least it gives him character his character, something right like that's something to play is a down on his luck. X ball player that just found himself in china and I was just like trying to make his shit work, that's a character that you can do, this guy I like and then you know, he uses the.
Speaker 2:You know, joe, joe goes doing his whole thing. You're like, okay, that that makes sense then, but it coming out of nowhere, you're like, oh, he's a master pitcher out of nowhere.
Speaker 1:Well, because the writers knew. Obviously they knew that that's who he was before, but they don't tell us that.
Speaker 2:So weird. Oh, the little dog, little dog making their pants. Okay, so they go back to the mission. Willie and Crunk are there, there's a gun, mr Burns uses kung fu and it turns out that Mr Burns is actually Faraday. He kicks the two of them down the stairs and I guess they either die or just leave for no reason.
Speaker 1:I think they just leave because they're like that wasn't fun, yeah, and then they want to leave um, so he locks them in some wicker boxes yeah, dan, how tough is wicker? This is a real question I don't remember wicker. Like you know, that's not really a thing anymore, as much you would never get out of those boxes. Oh, really okay. Really Okay Because the whole time I was thinking I think I could just flex and bust right out of there. Nope, nope, nope, okay. Joke's on me, I guess.
Speaker 2:I'm not wholly convinced. You couldn't wedge up one of the sides and crawl out like that.
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah, because it's not like rock hard right, like you could probably have some give to it. You could probably put your arm out with the wicker box pretty easily?
Speaker 2:I would think so. He locks them in the two wicker boxes and then he leaves. And then there's this weird scene with the wicker boxes bouncing around. I felt like the wicker boxes were going to have sex.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that would have been a funny scene. I would have watched that Just kind of smashing together with the boxes a little. That would have watched that just kind of smashing together with the boxes a little. That would have been fun.
Speaker 2:So she's trying to push the little latch open and then they both go down the stairs and then they're like, ah, and then the dude who's really mr burns shows up and he's all like let me let you out of here, young lady right, I've been in. I've been on. He's been on a bonus mission somewhere else for an amount of time, and that's when what's I've been on? He's been on a bonus mission somewhere else for an amount of time, and that's when.
Speaker 1:What's-His-Name?
Speaker 2:took over and he was in a super weird yeah.
Speaker 1:Like, like and I would. It was all very confusing to me.
Speaker 2:Like Faraday, would know to sneak in and take over this Like why?
Speaker 1:Well, because does he even know who, sean, like they are? I don't, like, I don't know. It was all very confusing, but it's great that he rescued them.
Speaker 2:He rescues them. The movie must go on. Of course, sean Penn's character is all like oh my bones are broken.
Speaker 1:Madonna's character just gets out Madonna's fine. Yeah, she's totally fine.
Speaker 2:They go to the docks, they sneak into the cabin of Faraday and he's like oh too bad, the jewels are all fake, but I've got your ties here, let's just go to America. We'll sell your ties and then we'll make a lot of money. But I'm taking a bath.
Speaker 1:With the ties.
Speaker 2:Yeah, with the ties.
Speaker 1:That's his plan.
Speaker 2:Four cases of ties. It's going to get them through the winter, that's maybe $50 back in the day. Maybe it's six months of living. Let's say Maybe. So he's like I'm too busy taking a bath. I'm going back to my bath and you're like this guy's the most terrible guy in the world and they're just like whatever, Good luck bath guy, Right. So Sean Penn pays a guy to take the cases off the boat while he's taking a bath.
Speaker 1:Well, wait wait, wait, madonna leaves Madonna leaves, madonna leaves and the guy Sean Penn's all sad about it. Oh, she's leaving and the guy goes. Ah, she was a nice girl, but who needs nice girls? One, she wasn't a nice girl. I think we've established that pretty clearly. She's not a great person. I think we've established that pretty clearly she's not a great person.
Speaker 3:I think she's a bad person.
Speaker 2:I'd be willing to take that shot, dan loves her.
Speaker 1:You're a body of evidence, man.
Speaker 2:What's her name? Jessica Alba. Yeah, you love Alba those are top okay, top two ladies we've had on the show as far as I can remember.
Speaker 1:She's way up there, she's I mean we've had a lot of episodes. It's hard to. It's hard to keep track appealing people male or female, I don't know, I don't know, probably a million guys.
Speaker 2:You're, like this guy's, the hardest guy there are a lot of good-looking dudes out there.
Speaker 1:You know who's not one of them Sean Penn Not selling me on anything here, Sean so he's like oh, I'm actually in love, I'm going to chase her.
Speaker 2:So he gets his crates off there, chases her down, they fight through the crowds. You were like maybe there'll be something funny that happens here. Nothing funny happens, yep. And then they put the trunks on a thing and then they realize the opium is in the trunks. So what's his name? Knew where the opium was the whole time and he was taking the opium to America.
Speaker 1:I guess, yeah, not making it for medicine, that's for darn sure.
Speaker 2:Do you think Is that what you would do If you had all that opium? Why would he take it? I don't understand that.
Speaker 1:I feel like we would probably use it. You could sell that on the street for a lot of money, right? It's bad, yeah, I guess it'd be worth more. I don't know much about drugs.
Speaker 2:I guess it'd be worth a lot more in America.
Speaker 1:I don't know, Well, the dollar's strong, you know, as we talked about. So they end up with the opium and and all is good in the world and that's yeah. What are they gonna do, I guess?
Speaker 2:maybe actually make the medicine turn into morphine and save all those american, are you sure?
Speaker 1:no, because he seems pretty excited about it. I think he's gonna sell it I think so I'm just gonna throw that out there.
Speaker 2:I think he's gonna go full dark and become a drug kingpin he's probably gonna say let's sell half of it and we'll give the other half to the Americans.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we'll do half for good and half for us, and she'll do it because she's not great. She's not great, she's trash, she has great hair.
Speaker 2:It's a very nice hair, not a typical hairdo I would enjoy, but I like that hairdo.
Speaker 1:Oh okay, but it works for you. That's all that matters.
Speaker 2:So this movie was just a mess of tones and ideas. I thought I thought we're going to read that it was supposed to be like a full sort of action thriller or whatever, and then they made it into a light comedy for these two. I didn't read that. It didn't say that. It said that these, these two, were the two they've being the movie for.
Speaker 1:So I'm like okay well, swing and a miss. You know it doesn't always work out for everybody. It's pretty terrible. I did. Yeah. This movie is nuts anything else to say?
Speaker 2:you want to talk about the song.
Speaker 1:Some more tony yeah, they closed with the song again, which is, uh, you know, it was really welcoming at that moment, as he's like forcing her to wave and then it's great man, it's great. I love it tony, tell us about something you like this week well, it's, uh, you know it's officially christmas season, thanksgiving's over, black friday's over, which is sad, um, and so we've been watching a lot christmas movies.
Speaker 2:Are you, are you okay? Did you do a lot of Christmas movies so sad? Are you okay? Did you do a lot of Black Friday yesterday, tony?
Speaker 1:So you know what I didn't, and here's why.
Speaker 2:Dan. So why are you sad if you didn't do anything? Well, hold on.
Speaker 1:I'm going to tell you okay. Here's why I'm sad. I used to love Black Friday. That was a big day for me. You know, blackfridaycom was always one of my starred things in my Google Chrome Freddycom. What the hell is that? It's like it just it takes all of the information from the web and, like, puts it in one place for all the best deals. It's great. It still works, but there's less good deals. My sister and I used to stay out all night and do it. It was great.
Speaker 2:You and your sister would stay out all night and do it. Do you want to rephrase that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, let me back up a second here I don't want to hear about that stuff. My sister and I used to go out and do it in the back of the car. No, so we used to Black Friday shop all the time. I loved it. And then this year I had to work and we went out and did some live hits from the Glendale Galleria, oh live, went out with and did some live hits from the glendale galleria.
Speaker 2:Oh, live hits dead. What it was dead.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, 6 am like macy's open, jc penny's open and there's like 12 people. It was depressing. Back and back in my day, lines would be around the block people. You know we used to have those videos of people like trampling people to get. It's just not the same anymore. Man, it's depressing. Nobody cares. It was everyone's shopping online, you know. So it was.
Speaker 2:It was a bit of a letdown, I'll tell you that we went to the target like a month ago, maybe, like around halloween, like before halloween. Oh right, when the halloween stuff came out, we went to target because shannon wanted something, because they made all this great stuff, and we were looking at the big screen TVs and there were big screen TVs that were I don't even know 58, 97, 247 inches and they were like $200. I mean, the numbers were insanely cheap.
Speaker 1:Insanely cheap, yeah, cheap, yeah. The tv we used to have in my last place was a 55 inch that we we stayed all night at best buy to get me and lance my old roommate and that was like on sale for like 2500. You know we were like, oh, that's like a thousand dollars off. What a deal. You can get that same tv for like 200. Now it is ridiculous how I don't understand that, I don't. I mean, I don't know, the whole world's falling apart Dan.
Speaker 2:Anyhow regardless.
Speaker 1:This isn't what I was going to talk about. Black Friday's dead. It's very sad, but it's Christmas season, so we've been watching all the Christmas movies and we watched all the new Netflix Christmas movies that came out and, I have to say, Hot Frosty is a 10 out of 10, man. I loved it, thought it was great.
Speaker 2:That seemed like a movie they made for you specifically.
Speaker 1:Taylor made for me and they knocked it out of the park. It's so fun. I would recommend that the most out of all the new ones we've seen this year, you know last week we talked about the difference between you and me.
Speaker 2:You want the warm, soft hug of Christmas, hot frosty.
Speaker 1:Yep. Yes, please my recommendation oh no, we're going full dark. No stars For the documentary Anatomy of Lies. Oh geez, talk to us, what's up.
Speaker 2:Three-part doc on Peacock about this woman whose name was like Elizabeth Finch or something she faked cancer to become a writer on Grey's Anatomy. And that was just the beginning.
Speaker 1:Just the tip of the iceberg, oh no.
Speaker 2:There was a Vanity Fair article, I think in 2022, which when I heard about this, I was like man, I know this whole story. I must have read the Vanity Fair article and the article was amazing. This show more amazing. Just so fucked up, Just like, oh my God, Really.
Speaker 3:Maybe I'll have to check it out.
Speaker 2:She's a fucking psychopath, allegedly, of course of course Allegedly yeah. So yeah, anatomy of Lies, if you have Peacock and you want to watch People who are completely insane.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I will watch it in January, once Christmas season's over, after your big soft hug is over.
Speaker 2:You can let a Widow spark of darkness in your wife.
Speaker 1:We'll start 2025 On the wrong foot. You know what?
Speaker 2:I mean.
Speaker 1:That's what we'll do. It's going to be great.
Speaker 2:Tony, we need a movie for next week.
Speaker 1:Because Red One's not out yet. I know, but one is, but we're not doing it Because you tasked me with doing a guilty pleasure. I don't know if you remember that.
Speaker 2:Oh, we're doing guilty pleasures first.
Speaker 1:Oh that guilty pleasures first. Oh, that's what you said you wanted to do.
Speaker 2:Maybe we should do guilty pleasures in January.
Speaker 1:We could do guilty pleasures in January because there is a movie that is prime and ready for us to watch this week. Yeah, let's.
Speaker 2:If we have to go to guilty pleasures, if we, you know we run out because there's some good stuff we need to do for. So we'll keep Christmas in mind. We'll do Guilty Pleasures in January, when life turns to shit again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which is probably going to be pretty soon. Let's be clear. I cast you as something and completely forgot that I'd even mentioned it Apparently you did, and I was slaving over it this morning with Neil because I was like there are so many to choose from, it's so hard to whittle it down to something.
Speaker 2:Okay, give us some holiday crap.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, I mean, I don't know if it's crap or not, it looks bad, but it also looks enjoyable. You know what I mean. So I think this is a wonderful holiday film and hopefully, Red One will be available to us, you know. Hopefully soon, right.
Speaker 2:I'm hoping.
Speaker 1:Is there a date?
Speaker 3:I haven't seen it yet.
Speaker 2:And you know, there's another Venom movie.
Speaker 1:I mean, I remember it. Now that you're saying that, I remember that that happened, did it come out? I think so.
Speaker 2:Oh no, so we might be able to do that before christmas. I would, I would. I just gonna look that up right now definitely need to do that as soon as possible. I know I was like looking at things and I was like we got the venom movie, we got the craven movie coming out. I'm like, oh god damn yeah, it's okay.
Speaker 1:So, as far as I can tell, venom's not out here, it's in theaters. It came out theaters in october, but it's not on VOD yet.
Speaker 2:Okay so we probably have that. So as soon as that happens, we probably have Venom before Christmas and hopefully we have Red One before Christmas. So we got at least two more important weeks that need to be done.
Speaker 3:I need it desperately. I know I need it, so bad.
Speaker 1:Okay, what do we Anyhow? So this one is a wonderful film about the devil starring Jack Black. Have you seen?
Speaker 3:Have you not seen the trailer for this yet?
Speaker 1:It's brand new. It came out I think this week or last week. One of the two, it's called Dear Santa and basically I believe it's the Farrelly brothers. And it's about a kid who writes a Dear Santa letter but has dyslexia and writes Dear Satan. So Jack Black, as the devil, gets the letter and then comes to fuck with the kid. That's what it seems like to me.
Speaker 2:Is it going to be incredible or be the biggest piece of garbage?
Speaker 1:ever. It's going to be one of the two. All right, nothing in the middle.
Speaker 2:See, we got gotta celebrate the holiday season.
Speaker 1:Alright, so we're doing, dear Santa Jack Black. It doesn't have a Rotten Tomatoes score yet, but it does have a Metacritic score which kind of does an average, and it's at 34 out of 100.
Speaker 2:Where is this movie?
Speaker 1:It's on VOD. I don't know if it's also streaming. I think it is. Look at this. I think it's on Paramount Plus. There you go Very good. Do you have Paramount Plus? I? Don't think so I can give you my login. Okay, we'll figure that out. You know something different than that. That's not illegal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course we would never do anything illegal. Dear Satan is the movie we're doing.
Speaker 1:Dear Santa.
Speaker 2:You should have called it Dear Satan. What the hell, man. It's going to be great. It's going to be great, and hopefully we can follow that up with Venom and then Red One and just have the- that's a perfect December right there, that's a perfect December. We're going to have the perfect December. Okay, if you like what you hear, remember that one guy liked us last week.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's it. I'm a terrible person. You didn't even go back and look it up after we talked about it last time. Dan, I didn't do it either, so I guess that's on me.
Speaker 2:Shannon can attest that my memory is getting so bad? Yeah, I hear you. She's like I told you that yesterday I was like, you talked to me, we talked yesterday.
Speaker 1:Does she ever gaslight you? Using the fact that you have a bad memory? I gaslight her. I'm pretty sure Naomi gaslights me all the time. I'm sure she does, and pretends that she told me stuff that she never told me. I'm pretty sure Naomi gaslights me all the time, I'm sure she does and pretends that she told me stuff that she never told me. I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I'm sure she does that, but I also totally believe that you gaslight you.
Speaker 2:Well, the thing about my memory is I remember what I don't. I remember that I don't remember something. Oh interesting, I told you.
Speaker 1:I don't remember that. So if you tell me I told you this, I'll be like no, you didn don't remember that.
Speaker 2:So if you tell me I told you this, I'll be like no, you didn't tell me that. And if you, if you tell me something that you're like I don't remember, I'll be like oh yeah, you did tell me that, I just don't remember I just, yeah, I just I don't I?
Speaker 1:this sounds familiar, but I have no recollection.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it disappears from my mind, but when reminded I'll be, I'll remember that something happened that you? Yeah, I was like yes, I did know this at one point in time, not anymore, unless I'm playing a game on my phone and then I'm like you were giving me information while I was on my phone. Well then, that's on you, that's your. You should not have done that. That's entirely your fault. Everyone knows that you can't talk to someone when they're on their phone because their brains are shut off.
Speaker 1:They're like too. You're absolutely correct.
Speaker 2:So we'll be back talking about Dear Santa Jack Black, because there's a Minecraft movie, too, coming one of these days.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, you're right about that Boy. Does that look bad?
Speaker 2:They're so angry they're angry at Jack Black over that movie. So we'll be back talking about Dear Santa and like subscribe and leave a comment and we love you all. Merry Christmas.
Speaker 3:Goodbye everybody, hey watch it with Dan and Tony. Hey, watch it with Dan and Tony. It's like watching. Yeah, tony, please take my chicken. Yeah,