Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate watching John Carter
Is "John Carter" really the worst science fiction movie ever made? Join us as Dan and Tony go head-to-head on this polarizing film from 2012, dissecting its categorization as a science fiction western adventure. We'll delve into Taylor Kitsch's lackluster performance and James Purefoy's standout role, while also tackling the film's problematic title and baffling marketing campaign. Whether you think "John Carter" is a cinematic disaster or just a misunderstood gem, our heated debate is sure to entertain and provoke thought.
We also dig into the movie's narrative and character development flaws, examining how and why the adaptation veered so far from its beloved source material. From John Carter's inexplicable powers to the bizarre Martian reproduction concepts, we leave no stone unturned. Our discussion highlights the film's inconsistencies, such as the abrupt mastery of the Martian language and the failure to create a compelling foreign world. Comparing it to other sci-fi triumphs like "Avatar," we point out where "John Carter" missed the mark and speculate on what could have been done differently.
As we wrap up, we tackle the perplexing plot choices that plague the film, including repetitive escape sequences and illogical character decisions. We reflect on the impact of the movie's failure on the careers of its stars, while also speculating on upcoming films like "Twisters" and "Rebel Moon." To add some levity, we share quirky movie recommendations and highlight some entertaining YouTube content. Don't miss our engaging and humorous dissection of "John Carter" and more in this week's episode!
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We should do this one, because I have five and a half pages of notes. You have five and a half pages. Let me look at one. One and a quarter. One and a quarter. Well, I hope you wrote down all the jokes. No, but I do have comments about the jokes.
Speaker 2:You didn't write down all the jokes because I was reading about it and they were talking. Well, we'll do this on the thing. Hey, watch it with Dan and.
Speaker 2:Tony, hey, watch Watching with Dan and Tony. I'm Dan, I'm Tony. Each week on this show we watch a movie, then we talk about a movie, and I think this week we're going to disagree about a movie. We might indeed, this week I picked the movie and I picked the worst science fiction movie of all time John Carter from 2012. Is it a science fiction movie? It's a science fiction western Adventure Fantasy adventure. Faux adventure movie Faux adventure. Because there's no adventure in the adventure movie Fine, there's a the adventure Faux adventure movie Faux adventure.
Speaker 1:Because there's no adventure in the adventure movie. Fine, there's a little adventure. Come on, he jumps all over the place. He's like a sweet little grasshopper.
Speaker 2:This is a movie that everybody blamed, the title being the problem, the marketing being the problem, the trailer being the problem, the reshoots being the problem, the trailer being the problem, the reshoots being the problem.
Speaker 1:Everything was the problem except I agree with all the movie's problems I agree with three of those things. Oh, you're angry about the title. I'm not angry about the title. I think that it was a mistake, because if you don't know anything about who or what John Carter is, you don't know anything about this movie at all. Like you're not interested and the trailer that they dropped, did you go back and watch what they dropped on Good Morning America? I?
Speaker 2:mean that's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. I watched the two trailers. The first trailer doesn't have any of the Tharks in it. No, Green Men Like none.
Speaker 1:It is nothing. You watch that and you're like I have no idea what this movie is about, or at least you think you might know what it's about, but you don't know what it's about having seen it.
Speaker 1:It's weird they intercut the Old West stuff with the Mars stuff in a way that you're just like why would you cut that, if you don't know it already, dan, you're not going to realize that those are two different planets and you're like what the fuck is happening right now? And they use different stock on them too? 100%. It's super weird. That was a terrible choice, so I agree with that as well.
Speaker 2:The trailers, yeah, but I mean just that. That's what makes it a bad movie. It's the movie that makes it a bad movie.
Speaker 1:It's not what makes it a bad movie, but it does make it, so nobody sees your bad movie opening weekend, you know what I mean Because bad movies can still have a good opening, and then people are like, wait a second, this movie's not very good. And then it goes down right. Your second week drop-off is what makes or breaks a movie. But when nobody sees your movie opening weekend because everyone's like what is this? Why would I see this movie? That's a marketing problem.
Speaker 2:Yes, but what makes or breaks a movie is whether or not the movie is good.
Speaker 1:And this is where we're going to disagree. I don't think this is a bad movie. I and this is where we're going to disagree I don't think this is a bad movie.
Speaker 2:I don't think this is a good movie.
Speaker 1:This movie is exactly how I feel about Taylor Kitsch in general which is fine, it's just fine.
Speaker 2:There are lots of people that sit through the Lord of the Rings movies and enjoy them.
Speaker 1:And I am not one of those people but, I, know they exist because my wife is one.
Speaker 2:And they're people that sit through the John Carter movie and enjoy it, but as a movie that you're going to think about. There's nothing in this movie to think about.
Speaker 1:No, well, there's little to think about. Like what is this ninth ray? Why are there weird magic powers? I'm very confused.
Speaker 2:You know there's things like that you can think about there you go, but you don't come away with this going like that's a character. It's not a character I want to sit down with again. It's not a world I want to go to again. There's nobody here except Kantos Purefoy. He's the only character in this whole movie that I'm like waitfoy. He's the only character in this whole movie that I'm like wait, oh no, he's gone.
Speaker 2:He's the guy. His name's like Michael Purefoy or something he plays, the guy that makes John Carter take him prisoner and then get over to see Dejah Thoris at the sort of two-thirds of the way through. Yeah, okay, and he was in a TV show where he played like Hannibal Lecter, super serial killer, and then Kevin Bacon was chasing him and he was so good in that movie and he's so good in this. And then you're just like where is that guy? I've never seen him in anything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you're like oh, he's the one who understood how to make a character in the midst of all these other non-characters that you don't want to spend any time with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think so Like a big problem for me Problem's not the right word Because you and I are going to use problem differently today but like a big problem for me is that Taylor Kitsch is very Am I saying his name right? I feel bad, sure, but I'm pretty sure it's right, taylor Kitsch, we'll just call him TK. So TK is very bland in this movie. You know what I mean. He's a conduit for the story and that's all he doesn't. He doesn't. He's not able to rise above the story and be like a charming han solo-y type character, which I feel like is the vibe they're going for.
Speaker 1:They start they start okay with the scene where he's in prison and he keeps trying to escape prison over and over like he's he's so dumb but like so gung-ho to fight like he's. Like I don't, I'm gonna keep trying and I fail, keep trying. That's really funny and I was like, okay, this is gonna be like a nice setup to a character and then we just lose that like that. That doesn't, that doesn't do anything for the rest of the movie, it doesn't. It's weird because I of the movie. It's weird Because at the colonel I was like I'm in, okay, this is interesting, this is a guy that I could follow for a movie and then he's nothing. The rest of the movie he's just a walking body which, by the way, he got in great shape. He looks real nice in the movie. He looks good. I'm confused on why they let him be so pale.
Speaker 2:Oh, because they wanted to differentiate him.
Speaker 1:I mean, I get it.
Speaker 2:Because the red Martians are the humans.
Speaker 1:I get it, but he's so pale Like this is a guy that's never seen the sun and he's out in Mars. Which are they closer to the sun? Are they further away from the sun? I honestly don't know the answer.
Speaker 2:Truth of the matter is, mars is cold. You get color.
Speaker 1:Mars is cold. It didn't look very cold.
Speaker 2:Further out Did it? That's my. I'm writing a space duck story right now that I'm putting it on Mars and I realize I make Mars hot right. I sort of the movie Dune and Mars.
Speaker 1:I kind of squish the two of them together even though.
Speaker 2:Mars is further out and so it's a much colder planet. I imagine it's a desert planet and they always said that there were canals and so I always assumed that they had a water problem. And so I always assumed if you have a water problem and it's breaking down, it's going to be hotter, it's going to be miserable. This movie weather. Well, there's one sandstorm, but otherwise, weather means nothing.
Speaker 1:It means nothing, but I will tell you that they're dressed in a way that says that it's not cold, because nobody wears real clothes they're all wearing. You know weird strappies for their outfits.
Speaker 2:In the books everybody naked. Oh really.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm going to have to read this book.
Speaker 2:Very different Disney movie.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So have you read the book by any chance? No, all right, I am curious on how Disney-fied it is, because one thing that and we very briefly talked about this last night Is it much sillier than I imagined it was going to be? Not silly fun, but like silly, like this is a children's movie.
Speaker 2:Books, not at all like that, that's what I figured. The books are just straight up pulp. You know, this is like Edgar Rice Burroughs he wrote Tarzan. So these are pulpy books.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Very, very war. You know, they say I guess I read the plot synopsis of a number of them A lot of slavery. A lot of you know the green men love to torture people, so I'm sure they torture people and do terrible, terrible things. And the green people are supposed to not have emotions, like no emotions, except TARS has some emotions. Well, they didn't do that at all. No, of course not has some emotions.
Speaker 2:Well, they didn't do that at all. No, of course not, and that's the thing that's especially annoying about this thing. Is they really deviated from the source material in a sense that you don't really have the story that there is? John Carter pretty much falls in love with her as soon as he meets her.
Speaker 1:As you would.
Speaker 2:As you would know, he's like whoa okay. And you know, in this thing they have a whole weird dumb backstory about him losing a wife and then he, oh that is that made? Up you think oh, I don't think that. I mean, maybe that was in the later books, but that was not in the first book at all.
Speaker 1:Okay, because that felt super weird and disjointed to me. Like we're just, we're, you're, you're happily plotting along this movie and all of a sudden you get a flashback to a family you've never met and then a house is burnt and he's like are you alive? And they're not, and it's like why this is it's completely unnecessary to this story.
Speaker 2:It has no bearing on his character or story. That. I need In the book he's just out treasure hunting, post-civil War finds the Cave of Gold, ends up there. He runs away from the Apaches and then he just gets mystically transported. He doesn't kill a Thun or whatever they are. He doesn't kill one of those guys. None of that happens, and so they just answer too many questions with this stupid movie.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's not a lot of mystery to it, that's true.
Speaker 2:He understands immediately that this is a magic amulet that transports him back and forth, and the only thing he wants to do is get back and get his gold. It's like well, if that's who the guy is, I want to see that guy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what's interesting is they do. He does say that a couple times in the movie, but it doesn't fit his character. And so every time he says it in the movie I'm like what are you talking about? What gold guy? You're not even a. Every time he says it in the movie I'm like what are you? What are you talking about? What gold got? You know, you're not even a guy that's interested in gold. And then what's funny to me is that it kind of turns out he's not interested in gold.
Speaker 1:Cause at the end of the movie you find out what he was searching for was the amulet Right.
Speaker 2:So like he's not even oh, no, well, he has the gold and so he's finding them so he can go back because he's in love with her. He found the gold.
Speaker 1:So the gold doesn't really matter in the movie because we go from him not having it to a flash forward of him having it.
Speaker 2:Well, the premise of the movie is that he lost his family and so all he cares about is gold, and I'm never going to care about anybody again. And then he falls in love and then he has to fight for her. But here's the problem. That's the premise.
Speaker 1:It's not the premise.
Speaker 2:I would argue no it isn't.
Speaker 1:I would say that they might posit that premise. Yes, but he immediately cares, dan, because he saves the other army dude in the first fight. He literally goes back to save him and the guy goes. I thought you didn't care. That's five minutes into the movie. That we're like. We're already questioning that he cares. That's too early. That's not a character arc. He's already there, he's already caring. It's dumb.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's why this movie's dumb. I mean it's made by a Pixar guy. Right, he doesn't understand movies. Oh Dan, coming for Pixar again. This is the Finding.
Speaker 1:Nemo guy Finding Nemo. It's a great movie, dan. It is an emotional roller coaster, manipulative and wonderful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and this movie.
Speaker 1:they chose not to do that, and this is probably the movie you should have tried to do some of that this is definitely the movie that you should do that, because we need some sort of thing to care about throughout this movie and I don't have it.
Speaker 2:And what this movie also did, reading up at the books, is they took stuff from the first three books and then put it all in here, of course, and then also completely changed it all, so you didn't even know what was happening.
Speaker 1:So it was just kind of a gobbledygook.
Speaker 2:if you've read the books, so, like when they go to the river, you go to the river when you want to die and then you go down. I started to get that.
Speaker 1:I start when, because fast forward to when they're both in captivity, him and the dad, and he's like my daughter's in a better place. She went down the river and I was like, wait, so the river is like the gates to the next world, is that kind of what it is?
Speaker 2:But they don't tell you that at all, and that's what the stupid blue priest, the bald priest, are supposed to be doing. They're supposed to keep, they're like the false religion and then they channel people down the river and then they eat them. Wait what? Yeah, channel people down the river and then they eat them. Wait what? Yeah, that's what they're supposed to do that's actually very interesting to me very interesting. Also not a thing you can put in a stupid disney movie well, I guess that's true and it's a whole giant.
Speaker 2:it's a whole giant comment on religion, even though he wasn't uh, burroughs, wasn't anti-religion this movie was I mean, the books were a comment on a certain type of religion where they sell you a bill of goods, they get you to go down the river and then they eat you Like religion. There aren't like three. I mean I didn't do that much research on them, but there are thousands and thousands of these bald priests. And there's not like three of them that are in control of the entire universe.
Speaker 1:There's tons of them, okay.
Speaker 2:And so once again, all the number In the book. What happens is he goes there, he is stuck with the green men, he sort of comes up through the ranks there as a warrior. Dejah Thoris crashes, crashes. They take her prisoner and then through his machina, you know, he gets her out, basically, and then they, they fight zadanga, and those things all happen. And then at the very end, the atmosphere factory, which is this big factory that makes the, the air so that everyone doesn't just die. Oh, he goes in there to fix it and he gets knocked out and he gets taken back to earth. This big factory that makes the air so that everyone doesn't just die. Oh, interesting, he goes in there to fix it and he gets knocked out and he gets taken back to Earth and that's the end of the thing. He's on the planet for nine years. In the book.
Speaker 1:Not two weeks.
Speaker 2:Not two weeks has a kid. Has to learn the language. Doesn't drink language juice.
Speaker 1:Is that you're going to? When we get, you're going to have to explain to me what happened, because one scene he can't understand, then the next scene he just goes. I can understand you and I was like what?
Speaker 2:What do you mean? They literally gave him language juice.
Speaker 1:Okay, but that's not a thing. It's not a thing, Dan? Of course not.
Speaker 2:No, but it is in this thing. It's not a thing, dan, of course not. I don't believe it. No, but it is in this thing. You can have a magic amulet that transports you and somehow your body that's laying in a cave. For well it would have been. His body would have been laying there for nine years.
Speaker 1:Well, so what's interesting is?
Speaker 2:he was definitely laying there for a while, though, because when he wakes up, the guy's a skeleton. How long does it take a body to become a skeleton? I wasn't paying attention. The other guy was a skeleton.
Speaker 1:He is a fucking skeleton Like literal bones are out. I don't understand what's happening To me. That's a lot longer than 90. How long does it take for a body to decompose?
Speaker 2:I'm telling you this. You know what happens to bodies. Critters come in there and get on them and you know, his body would not have survived. Something would have come and ate it. So whatever, jesus I love this.
Speaker 1:I'm tony yeah wait, that can't be right 25 years no an hour. A body will decompose quite slowly because maggots are the most voracious flesh eaters. Although an exposed human body in optimum conditions it does not tell me what optimum conditions are can be reduced to bone in 10 days, yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 2:If there's critters chomping on it and stuff.
Speaker 1:A berry body retains most of its tissue for a year. Oh, okay, yeah, to 10 days to a year so somewhere in that spectrum is where we are, I suppose so we start the movie.
Speaker 2:Um, we have, we have. What's his name? The guy that you think's name is sadanga, but really his name is like seb.
Speaker 1:The names are terrible the names are not great, they're just terrible.
Speaker 2:It's tough, they're terrible from top to bottom um, they should have.
Speaker 1:It was a hundred years ago. Damn, let's cut them a little slack. Maybe, I don't know, I don't read a lot of old books.
Speaker 2:You know, it's like the star wars names. You know, at a certain point it's like oh my god, is this another star? My God, what is it? It's like a nine-year-old made this shit up Zabalba. So what's his name? The bad guy Zadanga, king of the Zadangas. He gets visited by the few. What are they? Are they therns? What are they called? I wrote it down up here. Really big, really think I wouldn't lose it therns. The therns come to him and they're like here's the ninth ray, it's a magic weapon that you can shoot everybody to death with. He lives in a big city that walks, for some reason yeah, it walks, and I thought it also devoured things.
Speaker 1:I thought they said something about that, but then we don't do any of that.
Speaker 2:It does walk a little they say that it it's walked all over the planet and destroyed everything, and you're like these guys have destroyed everything.
Speaker 1:Are you sure about that? I don't think so.
Speaker 2:They don't look like that they don't seem so great. No, so they give him the magic blue power that he could zap people with, and that really doesn't come into play very much.
Speaker 1:He does it a couple times, you know, just zap people. Now do we think that's from the book? That seems too much to me.
Speaker 2:I mean, maybe it's from the books. I didn't. I didn't the things I read in the first couple of things. I did not see anything about a magic Blu-ray that is given to somebody so we can zap other people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it feels weird for this story because it doesn't really matter. Again, it's one of those things that like it's in the movie, but it doesn't have any consequence to what happens later in the movie.
Speaker 2:The one thing I found in one of the books. They talked about this war happening and they were like and we've got 10,000 ships and we have a hundred thousand men and we got 5,000 of this ships and 2000 of the ships, and so the scale of the books was absurdly large.
Speaker 1:Sure yes. This is like there's a couple hundred dudes a couple hundred dudes.
Speaker 2:That's all. That's all we got. It's like a small, small. We got one ship. Helium's like a small town.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know, that's weird, that's interesting Okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, so he's Zadanga, the predator city. They're fighting against Heliod. There's lots of yelling. We can't tell who the bad guys are. We can't tell who the good guys are yelling. We can't tell who the bad guys are.
Speaker 1:we can't tell who the good guys are, yeah, and it just sort of ends and we're like, oh, we met a lot of people, we don't care about them.
Speaker 2:There was fighting. We don't care. We don't learn names.
Speaker 1:We don't learn about them, we don't care what's interesting, dan, is there's a lot of movies out there that that use like a cheat code to make sure you know who the bad guys are. Right, they make the bad guy do something you know really bad that's usually slightly out of character just to prove to you how bad they are. This movie does the opposite, where everyone's just kind of neutral and they're just like, yeah, I mean we're in a war, right, like we're fighting, but nobody is the good or the bad, like we're just kind of fighting and it means nothing to me.
Speaker 2:They look the same. They all have the same tattoos.
Speaker 1:They make it look like they have blood on their face, the facial tattoos.
Speaker 2:Whoever did that? Fired? Fired from their job, fired from the job.
Speaker 1:The costumes look like plastic, they look very cheap and they're very clean In a world that they've made to look like a sand desert. They are all pristinely clean. The white feathers that the one guy wears they're the whitest of whites. How do you do that? I have white tennis shoes. They're black by day two. I don't understand how that, I don't know. They must have great, great wash care. You know what I'm saying? They figured something out.
Speaker 2:It's not good. So we have setup A, which is John Carter has died. He's contacted his nephew to come. He's given his nephew all his money and he's like nephew, here's my mausoleum. The key's on the inside, but read this book, and this book will tell you what's going on. Then he starts reading the book and 13 years ago he was out in the post-Civil War. Let's see. He gets in a bar fight. He's looking for a cave of gold. He gets grabbed by the military, taken to a fort and they're all like we're going to force you to work for us. Doesn't make any sense. Doesn't make any sense. Doesn't make any sense. He finally, escapes?
Speaker 1:No it doesn't make a lick of sense.
Speaker 2:He finally escapes and then they chase him and then they run into the Apaches and then Some guy shoots at the Apaches and then all hell breaks loose, and then he runs into the hills and he has to save the captain guy. Who's Bryan Cranston, of all people, which he shouldn't Doing a great job?
Speaker 1:by the way, very good Bryan Cranston Like I said, the scene where he's in jail and him and Cranston are kind of facing off. I actually enjoyed it. I liked it.
Speaker 2:It was snappy, you know. They were like you're never getting out of here and then he does the thing and gets out of there. Does something stupid, escapes, gets caught, he jumps out a window, keeps on escaping and you're like, yeah, this is going to be a hard game to keep track of.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then it's not Turns out. It's super easy.
Speaker 2:Ends up in the cave, finds the gold, then he, oh so the captain died.
Speaker 1:Well, he got shot. He was shot and he was like rescuing him. So I mean he probably just bled out because John Carter fucking leaves him there for an extended amount of time.
Speaker 2:Oh, you're saying the thern was the skeleton. So a thern materializes in the cave and John Carter fights with him, I guess, and then steals his medallion, takes the medallion and it goes whoop. I guess the other guy must have said the magic words right as he grabbed it from him. I don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't know about that.
Speaker 2:But and then he goes to Mars. He wakes up laying in Mars, looks around. This is Mars. Mars looks like the American Southwest. There's some plants that look slightly different than our plants. This was the point at which you need to sell us that we're on a foreign, on a different planet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a hundred percent, like you need. We need to wake up and I and we, the audience, need to be bewildered and, you know, entrenched in mystery and wonder and awe, because we're on a we're on a foreign planet. That's how we have to do it. As much as I hate Avatar, right, oh, creating that world is the one thing that Cameron knocks out of the park. That's a lot. Sully walks out into this world and you're like, fuck, this is a different place and it's beautiful and it's wonderful and I'm intrigued. And, yeah, they squander it and throw it in the trash, but the setup is good, the intro is there and you have to feel that In a sci-fi type movie, I have to be like what is this place? I want to be here.
Speaker 2:He has to look over and see that the way that erosion occurs is different here. He has to look over and see that the way that erosion occurs is different here. He has to see this thing fly over on him and get him and he looks at it and it has 17 legs and 14 eyes and he's like what the?
Speaker 2:fuck is this? But it's not. You're just like man, it's just in a place. Meh, meh, but it's not. You're just like, no, just in a place. Um, yeah, I zoomed through all that first stuff because I we got too much to get through. Mars looks like the southwest. Then he has to play around and figure out his jumping. He's like it's hard to jump, and then he's, you know, and the jumping I don't know like visually, or just the idea of it.
Speaker 1:Visually, I mean, listen, it's hard because we can't do that. You know what I mean? Like that's not a real thing, so I don't know how to do that and make it look good, but either do they um. The people making the movie also didn't figure it out and, in my defense, that's not my job, that is their job I went and watched.
Speaker 2:You know what I always do, because this is, you know, we're gonna have the, the, the patented arena scene, where they have to fight something big in an arena. Oh yeah yeah, I should have. I should have gone and watched the star wars one. Where they have to, all the jedi are in the arena. I didn't go and watch that one, but I went and watched Thor Ragnarok, which is the quintessential arena scene.
Speaker 1:That's too good, Dan. You went too far.
Speaker 2:It's too good, but Thor is a normal-sized human being who essentially has the same powers as John Carter right, that's interesting, didn't think about that. Yeah, okay, you watch it in there. You never question the physics of Thor jumping around. Sure, you're always, you know, with Hulk jumping around. You always buy it In this one. It just seems, I don't know, maybe it's because they do it on a lot of long shots. They really like these long shots, but you never feel it and they're really like whee, they're very Superman-y.
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And he doesn't have a weight to him.
Speaker 1:Right, but isn't that the point? I don't know, I don't understand space.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because he's denser, he's denser. So if you were to push on him, you wouldn't be. You know he is. He's like a brick, he's like lead, he's like John Carter. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Are you sure? Because he gets tossed around a bunch. Exactly.
Speaker 2:He should be. In my opinion he should be, because they say you have denser bones, right, so he, he has to be built in a denser way and so punching him, shouldn't you know they do?
Speaker 1:Well, in general, I am confused by his physics, because the first time he throws a punch on the planet he kills somebody, right, and they're like you killed him with one blow. He punches a bunch of dudes throughout the rest of this movie he doesn't kill another single person.
Speaker 2:That guy hit his head. You think that's what it is, he flew across the room and hit his head, and because it's a Disney movie and so he does kill a lot of things, but I mean he goes right through the ape, right yeah. He has a sword but he goes right through the ape right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he has a sword, but he goes right through it. Yeah Well, it did sit on him in his defense. Dan.
Speaker 2:Um, yeah, boom-ba-doom-ba-doom-ba-doom. Okay, so he's learning it. He gets to the birthing center, looks down and there sees a bunch of Martians hatching from eggs. Yeah, green Martians, just to let you know, red Martians also hatch from eggs. Okay, great Good to know In case you're wondering, you're a Dejah Thoris. She like pops out an egg. I'm intrigued. I would see it. Some Martian finds.
Speaker 1:What makes that weirder to me is that means that she lays eggs too. Then yeah, she lays eggs With the chicken and the eggs scenario.
Speaker 2:She has an ovopositor. I think I'm in Tony's like hey, honey, if you've got to lay eggs I'll watch. Sign me up.
Speaker 1:Sign me up, let's do it. Might even film it, whoa not without consent dan come on, might even film me.
Speaker 2:That's what she's saying. She's like yeah okay, got it, then sure, let's do it uh, one of the martians, tars, picks up the amulet, and then they one of them tries to shoot at john. So we meet the martians um Tars Tarkas, our main Martian protagonist, is only impressed by his. He's like oh, you can jump. He does not react at all to meeting green Martians.
Speaker 1:No, he's fine no he's fine, he's from the South, dan. He has seen a lot of weird shit you would lose your. You know we have whole movies built on somebody seeing a martian and losing their minds he is not nearly as fish out of water as he needs to be from being from like old timey south to this futuristic dystopia. Like he, the only thing that he questions is jumping. He's like this is weird. Not the aliens. Aliens is fine, but did you see me jump? It's weird, I don't know it's bizarre.
Speaker 2:I guess he saw hatching aliens. So now he's like oh, now he gets it.
Speaker 1:He's immediately on board, got it.
Speaker 2:And then Tars. The only thing he cares about is do the jump again Do the jump again. You're like what? Why do you care?
Speaker 1:When I find a pet, I like to make them do tricks as well, so I get it.
Speaker 2:So let's see.
Speaker 1:So what happens Do the jump, do the jump, and then which is, by the way, an interesting scene in itself to me, is the learning of the language, which then we throw away immediately. Right Like in the next scene, he learns how to speak the language fluently. But I like this, like whatever he says, jump, jump, and then he figures it out and then, you know, tries to do it to kill him, because that that's the last time we see that John Carter.
Speaker 2:Yes, this movie is going to have just a series of throwing in jails. This is your classic. Oh, we caught you, we could kill you, but instead we're just going to throw you in jail. You know, when you have a death sentence on your head instead of the death sentence. We're throwing you in jail.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's fine.
Speaker 2:And the other thing is, john Carter can break through any chains.
Speaker 1:Hmm, not true.
Speaker 2:There was a chain that he couldn't break through.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, he didn't break through the one in the arena, he had to break the rock.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, that chain the rock as opposed to the chains, that that you could just take a sword and go sword. You know, I got to tell you something, tony, tony, let me tell you something. Please enlighten me, dan, you hit a chain with a sword. Who wins? It's not the sword, it's the chain.
Speaker 1:No, it's the chain. It's the chain, not in this movie.
Speaker 2:I got to get you out of here, Chain, Not in this movie. I got to get you out of here. Ching Ching Gone. This is like you just sit there going like what is happening. Why are we doing?
Speaker 1:this. Well, it's alien metals, dan. To be fair, you don't understand the makeup of the Mars metals. All right, you haven't seen the periodic table of Mars, so you don't know.
Speaker 2:They're all made out of mercury, half mercury. A lot of poison going on there.
Speaker 1:A lot of poison everywhere. That's tough stuff.
Speaker 2:So they just capture him again somehow. I don't even know what they did. They probably just slapped him one time and he fell over.
Speaker 1:He's either killing people with a punch or just getting the shit kicked out of him. It doesn't make any sense to me.
Speaker 2:Is he stronger than them, or is he not stronger than them? The one later guy he just cuts his head off instantaneously, so it seems like oh boy.
Speaker 1:I can't wait to talk about that a little bit more.
Speaker 2:So now we cut to Digithorus. Who's the princess of Mars? She lives in helium.
Speaker 1:She has invented the ninth ray that they're doing. The blu-ray not invented but like discovered it on her own, I think, is what it is like. The, the, the therns, is that the god people said what's his name? Mark shepherd, is that who? That is sure I don't know. The therns have discovered this element. We'll call it. And then she has also discovered it, and they're like whoa, how could that happen?
Speaker 2:or something yeah, but she didn't invent it.
Speaker 1:She invented it on her own, you don't invent in a ray a ninth ray. Okay, you know you. Just you discover it and she was. She has a machine that's going to prove that it exists. And then one of the Therns is like nope, not today. Short circuit.
Speaker 2:Okay, so she invented a machine that could shoot the ninth ray. Is that right?
Speaker 1:That's right Dan.
Speaker 2:That's good to hear. We're talking about invention here. I'm Tony Master. I know about inventions.
Speaker 1:Listen, if people haven't seen the movie, they think she's invented the ray. She didn't invent the ray. She discovered it with a machine. She invented Totally different semantics. Dan, I have to mansplain to her what she did. Let me tell you, we're going to get crucified in the comments for all of our misleading verbiage.
Speaker 2:okay, how much more science does she do in this movie Zero, zero?
Speaker 1:to one. I'm trying to think does she do another one?
Speaker 2:she knows those the magic words kaltu barada nikdu she knows is that science or is that magic? That is science, because she knows she could read the, she could read the words and he goes.
Speaker 1:Okay. No, you're right, you're right, they didn't give a magic reading potion maybe, maybe in movie two they were planning on doing that which? Which potion going to let me read this one? I don't know. Take them all.
Speaker 2:This was a planned trilogy. Stanton had all three of them worked out and even like On a podcast was like Let me tell you how we're going to start number two. That never happened.
Speaker 1:Oh, I would love to hear that. Let me tell you right now, dan my favorite part of this movie is the ending.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's the only good part of the whole movie.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay. Well then we agree. Well, I mean not that it's the only good part, but it is the best part of this movie, and I was like that's an interesting concept that you just delivered in the last three minutes. Where's for the rest of the movie?
Speaker 2:He was tricky. Exactly, yeah, maybe it could have made him tricky in the movie.
Speaker 1:Right, Clever. He's clever Like he set a trap, delivered it and I don't know. We'll talk about it. Let's talk about it later, Okay.
Speaker 2:So the men come in Kantos Khan, there's a border massacre, helium is lost, steege just like. But I got this magic weapon and she's like it can restore the seas. Don't know how a weapon that kills people is going to restore the seas but Doesn't make any sense. So she like turns on the machine and then one of the therns is there disguised and he just short circus it with his finger and it doesn't work and she's all like gosh. I guess that's never going to work.
Speaker 1:I should abandon my research. But not only her, everyone else also is like okay, well, this was a waste of time, let's get out of here. And the dad's just like anyhow, you're gonna get married now. It's a weird, a really weird scene with zero transition. It's just like, yep, this machine that was clearly sort of working, you know know, has a couple of bugs still, maybe At best Like no, it's done, it's out. It's like my whole life's work down the tube. I can't believe it. I tested it once. It didn't work, throw it in the trash. And that's science. If it doesn't work the first time, you quit.
Speaker 2:I can't paint the Mona Lisa. I guess I'll never paint again. That is exactly what happens in this scene. You're just like okay, you know, have her fiddle with it some more.
Speaker 1:Nope, never touch it again. Don't do it.
Speaker 2:Absolutely not. And then you got to get married and she's like, okay, I'll do it, I guess.
Speaker 1:I don't know, weird scene.
Speaker 2:They get to the Thark City, Everybody grabs at the babies. They loose the babies and the women just grab for the babies and grab random babies.
Speaker 1:What a weird, interesting idea. That isn't really explored but like I'm assuming that's from the books and I just find that's like an interesting, like a communal birthing where there's no real parents. It's just like whoever you get, you get. I don't know, that's interesting.
Speaker 2:I really thought what was going to happen was John Carter was going to be Sola's baby. Sure, even though I'd seen this movie before, I was like, oh okay, we're going to have a protect. What we're going to have now is Sola's going to take John Carter as her baby. She's going to have to keep him in line and he's going to have to, through her hard work of him being an asshole. She's going to have to, like, tame him so that he's her child.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's really smart and that is the way over.
Speaker 2:You know a couple of months you're going to introduce into their thing.
Speaker 1:Nope, yeah, nope, not even a little bit.
Speaker 2:Nope, they immediately here. Drink this. Now you speak our language. Yeah, they shave him and bathe him, they give him translation juice and then he gets woola. The Martian dog, who is just unattractively ugly.
Speaker 1:Oh, I think it's cute, Dan. It's like one of those things that's like it's so ugly. Only a mother could love it. But I'll be that mother.
Speaker 2:Why don't you make something that you can make a toy of?
Speaker 1:That's a great question, Especially when you're Disney slash, Pixar working on this Like you understand that You've done that for a very long time. I have no idea. I mean it just goes to the same for the rest of the movie, Dan, Like the marketing behind the movie is a zero. It's an absolute zero. Also, why does the dog love him? I?
Speaker 2:didn't understand, Just because they needed, like some other random thing to occur at random times, to like save the day, Randomly yeah.
Speaker 1:I just, you know there should be a. He should save it from something or feed it or just feed it. Maybe people don't feed it very often and he feeds it and it's like, wow, you fed me, I love you. Give me anything, not just, hey, I love you.
Speaker 2:It sure seems like if you had a dog that could run 1,000 miles an hour and do everything, that would be a worthwhile creature, right?
Speaker 1:It wouldn't just be like they look at it like why would you want that thing?
Speaker 2:It only can kill things and run 1,000 miles an hour and do anything.
Speaker 1:Lame, who wants that drama? Yeah, it's very weird, I don't know. Yeah, super bizarre.
Speaker 2:Oh, somebody beat up, somebody beats on the dog and he kills that guy. So they were beating on the dog, so he kills him. But, the dog was already his friend.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I already picked it as his friend. That's my problem. If the first scene is him being an animal lover and just seeing this happen and saving the dog, then the dog loves him. I'm all for it. But the dog was barking at him already. It was like I'm already playing with you guy. I don't know, I don't buy it, I don't like it.
Speaker 2:The next day they brand Sola. This is her final brand. If she does it one more time, then she's in big trouble. Turn strike or 10,000 000 strike, I think it was way more than yeah.
Speaker 1:It was like your 20th strike. Your whole body's covered in marks. We have no room left.
Speaker 2:You're out so they're all standing there and we see this. There's a big battle in the sky of the flyers and one of them's, deja. She's running away.
Speaker 1:The bad guys are coming to get her, and then john carter jumps up there and, uh, kills everybody, right well, I don't know if he kills everybody, because this is this is my favorite part of the second favorite part of the movie probably where he, where he steals her sword and is like ma'am, get behind me, and then he gets the shit kicked out of him. Again, confusing, because he should be killing everybody, I don't know. But he gets beat up and then she picks up the sword, kills everybody, and he gets to say the line I guess I should stand behind you, which is a wonderful moment for these two characters. That means absolutely nothing for the rest of the movie. Yeah, because those aren't the characters they're playing.
Speaker 2:That is correct. He is not a fun happy-go-lucky Nope, he should be having fun. If he was having fun in this whole movie we'd be like, oh, he's having fun, wouldn't you have fun?
Speaker 1:Well, he's supposed to be on an adventure, Dan. It's a fantasy adventure, right?
Speaker 2:No adventure. That was the one fun part where you're like, oh, it's going to be fun now.
Speaker 1:And you're like no, not going to be fun. No, he should be having the time of his life. Why does he even want to get back? He doesn't seem to enjoy it.
Speaker 2:Dan. Well, the other sort of subplot of this movie or not subplot, yes, not subplot kind of character thing is that everybody wants John Carter because he's this great warrior. Right, so the Tharks want him. But is he? Yeah, he is. He kills lots of people in this movie.
Speaker 1:Sometimes he's very much. He's a terrible warrior. He goes back and forth very fluidly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because they have to have him lose for oh, so scenes will end Right.
Speaker 1:How do we get out of this? I don't know. Knock him out, but doesn't he kill everybody? Don't worry about it, knock him out.
Speaker 2:That's what you have to do in a movie like this. And that's why it doesn't work. Knock him out and put him in prison, and then, once he's in prison, he'll just break the chains and leave.
Speaker 1:Right, like, how did we get him into the chains then, guys, I don't understand what's happening.
Speaker 2:So the Tharks, I think, shoot at the things at one point and then everything crashes. Dejah Thoris is there and she becomes John Carter's property, sort of, and then they're like you fight for us now, John Carter, and he's like I don't fight for anybody, which is confusing because he used to right he was in the army.
Speaker 1:Well, no, he jumped out that window.
Speaker 2:He doesn't want to do it anymore. He wants gold. He doesn't want to do it anymore, but he did do it. He doesn't want to do it now, and that's the line is he's no longer fighting, even though he just decided to be heroic and go and save her. I mean, he fights all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which is why his character doesn't make sense. He saves the general in that first scene. Shouldn't have done that. He jumps right into danger to save her. That doesn't make sense for a guy that doesn't fight him Like, just don't do that storyline. Let him be a guy that likes fighting. That's probably. That's probably who he is right Like. He's probably a guy. That's like I feel most alive when I'm fucking shit up. That's okay. That is an all right character to see for me, like as long as you can bring him down to like humanity, because she would be the other side of that where she like brings him down to like a middle ground, where it's like okay, but you can also care about people, right, like learn how to care about not only yourself, because he's just like a selfish fighter. Right, I just love to tumble, I'll fight anybody. I'm having a a great time, let's sock it to you. But then she's like you got to fight for something, fight for a cause, fight for love. You know, I don't know something. You don't like that.
Speaker 2:No, no, that's what he says oh yeah, okay, yeah yeah, if they come at me, you're going come here and do this thing. And he's like eh, that would involve me doing a thing I'd rather, they just came to me and I'd kick its butt. You come with me, I'd kick your ass. You fly over, I'd kick your ass. You come too close, I'd kick your ass. Yeah, no, I want to get home to my cave of gold.
Speaker 1:That's a much more interesting character choice, could get home to my cave of gold. No, doesn't make any sense, guy.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to fight for you because I want to get home, to my cave of gold. It's like, well, you don't know how to get to your cave of gold, but I'm not doing what you want me to do.
Speaker 1:But still, I'm going to try to do that.
Speaker 2:So then they're like you better fight for us or we eat the girl. And I'm like okay. Guess, I'm fighting for you.
Speaker 1:All right, I guess we'll do it yeah.
Speaker 2:Shouldn't he jump out the window? Shouldn't he run away?
Speaker 1:That's his thing, right? Like he just tries to escape by fighting because he loves to fight.
Speaker 2:So now he gets to spend some time with Deja. She's all like war sucks, and she's all like war sucks and she's all like. But sometimes war is a novelist of pursuits yeah, yeah, which is? Uh, I don't know about that then she's like the density of your bones, that's how you're jumping. And then she's like but so you should come work for me. And then he's all like I'm not for hire which is confusing, because what are you?
Speaker 1:yeah, like, what are you doing?
Speaker 2:like you're fighting, I don't know, I don't know so then we figure out that they do cosmology and they're like you're on barsoom, you call it mars, you're from jasum, that's what we call earth, and they're like oh. And he shows her the medallion, because of course you're going to show her the medallion and she's all like you're a CERN, but we should go to the magic temple that we're not allowed to go to, right? We're like why do they have a CERN temple and why are they not allowed? To go to the. Cern temple.
Speaker 1:Yeah, why are the green people in charge of it? You know what I mean. And how does she know about their sacred temple? I don't know. It's very confusing. I'm just asking some questions here, Dan.
Speaker 2:I don't know why she would. Why would they have a temple to a goddess they don't worship?
Speaker 1:I don't know?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1:It's super weird.
Speaker 2:They go to the temple, they see some writing and they realize oh, we should go to the Gates of Ist, that's where the magic can happen. And she's like I could take you there and he's all like we got a deal. Then they get caught. And I was like oh, and then they get caught, so they get put in a tent, and then T get caught, so they get put in a tent, and then Tars goes in there and Tars is like why don't you just go out the back of the tent?
Speaker 1:Right, I never thought about that. Tents weird, right? I mean I thought they were impenetrable. We can only go in and out the flap.
Speaker 2:So in the 30 seconds that they go out the back of the tent, the other guy comes in, they're all gone. They go out the back of the tent, the other guy comes in, they're all gone, and the bad guy's like I guess we'll not go look for them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, it's a lot of work. It's dark out. You know you got to get to bed. The earlier you go to bed, the earlier you can rise and start the next day. Good for him, he's just been a good leader. This movie is just endless capture, uncapture without any effort. Yes, yeah, I mean 100 it's. It's funny at first, right like that first scene is funny. No, to me you don't think it's funny. No, when he's in the jail with cranson and he tries escaping his pull back oh yeah, yeah, that one was fun that's funny.
Speaker 1:What you don't realize is that that's the setup for the entire movie. Yes, that's where it becomes less funny, because you't realize is that that's the setup for the entire movie. That's where it becomes less funny, because you're like oh wait, that's the only trick you know how to do is you're just going to do that over and over because you don't know how to craft a story.
Speaker 2:Let me tell you the same joke again. So they start writing, and then she's making him go the wrong way, and then so then he's like oh, I'll leave you here to die. And then she's like OK now I'll take you the right way. Meanwhile, back on the moving city, the the therns tell the bad guy that you got to marry her.
Speaker 1:He's all like, I guess, so yeah, so their plan is to marry her and then kill her, and then that will make him like give him the sympathy vote and people will love him. I didn't understand the plan, if I'm being honest.
Speaker 2:Okay, great, yeah, that's fine, that's fine um, okay, so uh, seb the bad leader, he likes I will go on my own in my little helicopter to go talk to them. Like, okay, whatever, don't care. Uh, they get to is, which is a lake, but it's not really a lake, it's a river. And then sola's like okay, I'm going to die. And they're like no, you're going with us. And we're like but we're all going to the same way.
Speaker 1:Like I don't understand I don't understand either, because he stops her from getting on a boat and then puts her on the boat and then they get on a boat. Yeah, like it's very confusing. I didn Like he runs over there like it's bad. He's like no stop, stop, get on my boat. Okay, that's a bizarre turn that I didn't see coming.
Speaker 2:So they go there. They find this big tree structure. He jumps up there with her and then doesn't take Sola with her, just leaves her down in the boat for unknowable reasons.
Speaker 1:Because she's not actually coming with him.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying they go in there and it all lights up. It lights up with where he steps for an unknowable reason, right Because he's an Earthman. They get to the magic chamber and they put the medallion in there and the medallion says, oh, here's the magic words. And they're just like I can't read those words. I need a book.
Speaker 1:What I will say is there was a nice little joke here, Dan. I told you I didn't write down all the jokes, but I did write down one of them. And he goes. He asks her what does it say? She's like I have no idea, I don't know how to read it. And he goes. Okay, well, what do you think it says? That's a funny line that nobody ever thinks of. Like just take a guess, lady You're doing. Just do your best here. Okay, we're working with nothing. Like that's funny.
Speaker 2:That's a funny line this to leave, and then all the bad A bunch of new green Right. Who are these people? That's just another tribe of green men. Okay.
Speaker 1:They look bigger and scarier.
Speaker 2:It might be the plant men. I don't know. There are supposed to be plant men that live here too.
Speaker 1:Plant men Really Okay.
Speaker 2:There are plant men. Yeah, there's black Martians, white Martians or the white apes, and I think there might be purple Martians All kinds of colors of Martians.
Speaker 1:And then the vegans Got it.
Speaker 2:Then the plant men. So they're like let's escape in the boat. You're like, huh, To where? Oh, they go back.
Speaker 1:They go back to where they started, right, but it's a stream, it's a river, so I know where you're going, first of all. Second of all, are you now going upstream Because you're going to go real slow? The escape plan doesn't work for me is all I'm saying, because I would just go to the front, where the mouth is. I would write the mouth of the river, and then I've got you.
Speaker 2:I found you, you're done. You mean, like this horde should be able to get ahead of them.
Speaker 1:Not only they could just walk, they could walk along with them and be like yep, we still see. Uh, we'll see in five minutes. John Carter puts his arm in the water and goes like this Right Speed arm in the water and goes like this it's brrrr Right Speedboat. How did he do that? It must be the density of his bones.
Speaker 2:The density of his bones. Boom, boom, boom solar system. Oh wait, they had a kiss in the secret place.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, great, that must explain the marriage coming in the next day.
Speaker 2:That's when they fell in love right there. He fell in love with her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're going too fast.
Speaker 2:When does he fall in love with her? That's a question isn't it.
Speaker 1:I think when he asked her to marry him.
Speaker 3:I think that was when he was like you know what I love you.
Speaker 1:Let's get married.
Speaker 2:That's the best time to do it. They take the book back. Then they have a big chase. Then we see the flashback. During this chase, we see the flashback of his home being burned in the Civil War and his wife and maybe a child.
Speaker 1:Maybe For sure a child, his daughter. Yeah, they're dead.
Speaker 2:I couldn't watch the flashbacks because they just were so stupid.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, they are. They're absolutely stupid and also, you don't need it. You don't need it Because here's the thing he should grow organically right. We don't need flashbacks to be like, oh well, this is who he was and why he's damaged, and now he's turning the corner because he's going to save her. Just let him save her, like he's been a selfish guy, selfish, selfish, selfish. I'm Han Solo. Now I'm going to do something, for love. I don't know, it's just unnecessary.
Speaker 2:Well, han Solo's like yeah, I'm here for the gold, what do you think I'm here for? Then like, yeah, I'm here for the gold, what do you think I'm here for? Then he comes back and he's all like yeah, I didn't want to miss all this fun. You need me. He had to one-up the whole situation. You're like that makes sense. He's a cool dude. He's like he is cool, cooler than cool Okay so.
Speaker 2:John Carter's like you guys keep going, I'm going to stop here and I'm going to fight the entire horde. So he fights the entire horde and almost wins. Pretty well.
Speaker 1:Like. He does a really good job, which is very confusing, Dan, because he's been captured four or five times by those types of human-like creatures, right, Yep? How is he now able to kill a hundred of them? It doesn't make any sense. There needs to be a real like. We need to have a baseline of what his skills are. He's gotten better because he's been here longer, has he? Yes, he hasn't done anything.
Speaker 2:He's been here like a week, so his fighting is much, much better. He's gotten his moves all finally tuned.
Speaker 1:So if that was the case, if he was getting better at understanding his body and we saw him do that, like get better at using those things to his advantage, I'm on board.
Speaker 2:But we don't see that when he jumped from the boat up to there, he should have said something like see, I'm better at this jumping.
Speaker 1:Great, yeah, something, anything. Give me anything to say that he's like I'm figuring this place out and now I know how to use this to my advantage.
Speaker 2:He takes the sword and he goes like this, flips it and he's like ha-ha, hoo-hoo-hoo, look at this, look at this. And he could just say a simple line I'm getting used to this gravity. And then when he's fighting, he's like I'm getting really good at this gravity. And we're like, oh my God, he just told us he's getting good at this thing.
Speaker 1:Right, like okay, he's figuring his shit out, yeah.
Speaker 2:But you see, that would involve like writing lines that lead us along this path. Lines are tough, lines are tough Lines are tough. Show, don't tell. But you should also tell a little also, so that when you are showing us. We know what the fuck is going on.
Speaker 1:I like to call it show and tell, which was a great thing back in the day. Show and tell baby.
Speaker 2:Zadanga. Dad lands his airship, there's Deja. She's all like hey dad, how's it going? And then here comes Seb of Zidanga and he's all like I came alone, I'm a harmless little man. I love you, I love you. Here's my sword. You could just kill me. I'm helpless, and she doesn't kill him.
Speaker 1:Why doesn't she kill him, tony? I would kill him immediately. I'm going to tell you right now, dan, I would kill him immediately. He's killed a bunch of people and he's just like you can kill me. Great, thank you. What a wonderful gesture. I appreciate it. Head's gone.
Speaker 2:No, you love this movie, so explain to me why they didn't do it.
Speaker 1:Again, I don't love the movie. I'm just saying it's not that bad. It's not the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.
Speaker 2:Of course, it's not the worst movie, but it's just like. It's so worth. It's just. This is like Hollywood bloated excess. You know they want to. I want to blame the marketing campaign. It's like no, you. I want to blame the marketing campaign. It's like no, you guys sat in the room and you wrote this garbage. You wrote it.
Speaker 1:You wrote it. It's called the perfect storm, dan. Nothing went right for this movie. Not a single step on the way was like this is going to work everybody.
Speaker 2:Okay, so she's all like I guess I'll marry you, because you stood there, that's it Just cuz Cuz period. John Carter wakes up. He's in Zadanga, he jumps over a building and there's Deja. She's all like I'm getting married. And she's all like you're hot. And she's all like well, you fight and I could have sent you home. And then she gives him the magic words. She's all like here's the magic words I'm getting married. Nobody loves me. Woe is me, boo. You never loved me. You won't fight for me.
Speaker 1:I've known you for four days. Lady, I need you to take a step back and chill out.
Speaker 2:I need you to take a step back and chill out. I've saved, I've you've saved my life multiple times, but you don't love me.
Speaker 1:I like you, I like you. Just fine, okay, love's a little strong right now. I'm going to choose myself right now, okay, so I'm going to need you to chill out.
Speaker 2:It's almost like he could have said I used to be married. I lost, I lost the woman I loved in war, sure.
Speaker 1:I don't love it, do I?
Speaker 2:want this happening again. Yeah Right, he couldn't have said some words that would have like Sure, because I got to tell you, when I watch a movie, like in the middle of the fight scene, I usually don't get super emotional. But when a person like says, like we're a team, now we're a team, did I tell you we're?
Speaker 2:a team, now we're a team. And then they all put their hands in there and they're like we're a team. And then the other guys like we're a team. And then the one guy who's been holding out, you know, played by alan rickman, he's like we're a team and you're just like yes, yes, they've got Alan Rickman finally. Finally, alan Rickman said he's on the team, they're on a team Victory. And that's when I get emotional Words, yeah of course, words are what makes you emotional.
Speaker 2:This movie's like yeah, I don't think I should vocalize anything that's really happening. I think I'm going to internalize it all and I'm going to tell you about it via flashback to characters we've never met, that we don't care about. At the time of this guy's life that we're never going to see more of 100%.
Speaker 2:And we're going to do little tiny clips of it that are spits of the whole movie, like that's building up some tension. Because, man, I really wonder what happened in the war that he can't? Of course it's his family getting killed. We all knew that from the beginning. For the first time, a little girl's blonde hair blew in the wind.
Speaker 1:When you see her the first time, you're like, oh well, she's dead. She's obviously dead, otherwise he'd be with her. It's so weird yeah.
Speaker 2:They think they're building some sort of tension.
Speaker 1:You know what they're not doing.
Speaker 2:They're not doing anything. You're not guys, sorry. Okay, so Zant, there he is, didn't teleport. Then they burst in and they're like let's do the wedding. And then the Thun walks in. The Thun walks in there and zaps him, and now we have this weird scene where the Thun keeps changing forms, from dude to old lady, to thern, which I think that's happening right.
Speaker 1:Oh interesting, I think it's not happening.
Speaker 2:You think it's not happening.
Speaker 1:I do. We see, I swear his name is marsh.
Speaker 2:Ever when we see the thern in thern shape.
Speaker 1:I think that's just the movie being like don't forget, this is actually this person don't forget this.
Speaker 2:But he changes, but they look like this he changes into a dude and an old woman. Why don't you just? Well, he does so.
Speaker 1:He definitely changes form between that old woman and a young warrior guy. But I don't think he ever really does the Thern shape? I think that is just an indication. I don't know, dan, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Let me go back though. The Thern has him in like a little car and this guy driving him. He's in like a little taxi and he's like we'll just walk, get out of the little taxi. I was like that's good joke. Why do we have a little taxi? Why is that I don't? Know, but it's kind of funny. Basically he tells the whole story where it's like we're in charge of everything. The weird thing is there's so many sort of Dune things right, I think they were kind of ripping off dune?
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah, I can totally understand that.
Speaker 2:Because that's how the Bene Gesserit are. They're like, we breed them and we control everything from behind and he's kind of doing that and you're just like but it's dumb.
Speaker 1:Well, because it doesn't actually make sense in the world that they've built. I don't think.
Speaker 2:Like we feed off of destruction. What does that mean?
Speaker 1:It doesn't mean anything because it's not really, because, honestly, if they let the guy in charge, he's going to take over the whole world, right, and then there's no more war. So if they feed on, it's very confusing. I don't understand the plan.
Speaker 2:Thanos' plan is really not dumb, but it's weird. It's simple and it's so particularly weird.
Speaker 1:Everyone could stand there and say I'm just going to get rid of half the people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you sit there and go, like you know it's not going to make things better and he's going to be like nah. I'm doing it. Because it's my plan.
Speaker 1:Are you sure?
Speaker 2:Are you sure it's not going to? Because it might, let's try it. Let's give this one guy. But this guy is like our whole race is doing this and you're like.
Speaker 1:Right, why, huh, are you that bored? I don't understand. Like, what is the purpose for you? What do you get out of it Other than just like man, we get to watch it happen? I don't know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's like there's definitely monsters that feed on things. We feed on fear, we feed on this. You know, you say that. Then we got to see that somehow, you know, like, when the thing is happening, he's all like, you know, he's feeding Sucking in the destruction yeah. But no, these guys are like, we're dispassionate, we just let things happen. Yeah, whatever. I don't understand it. Why isn't he killing John Carter right now?
Speaker 1:Because they're afraid that you don't understand the movie yet, dan, so they need him to walk through town and explain the whole plot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like, at least like they have James Bond on the you know the laser thing that's going to cut off his dick and then the rest of it. Yeah, bad news. You do that, you know. And then he gets a phone call, john's just the rest of it.
Speaker 1:You know you do that you know.
Speaker 2:And then he gets. He gets a phone call. He's like he's like, let's walk you around until you can escape.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:It's really nice of him actually. And then, while uh well, uh, the the dog runs up there and bites him, yeah, Uh where's the dog been for the last two hours? He was way over there, so he's going run, run, run.
Speaker 1:Really far away, because he moves very quickly.
Speaker 2:I think he sees him. He's like.
Speaker 1:I think he's in the parade Somewhere or something, I don't know.
Speaker 2:So John Carter steals one of their flying machines, tony. Yes. You're relatively intelligent.
Speaker 1:Okay, I mean that was nicer than it could have been, but still a lot meaner than it needed to be.
Speaker 2:Okay, Dan, there you are on the airplane field. The Nazis are coming. There's a Cessna 120 right in front of field. You know the Nazis are coming. There's a Cessna 120 right in front of you. You hop into the Cessna In the cockpit. How do you think you'd do flying the Cessna?
Speaker 1:I think flying would be fine. Oh yeah, I think that turning it on and then figuring out how to go and then taking off, that would be where I died. I would not. First of all, the plane wouldn't even start. I'd be flipping every button that I could see. No propellers moving, I don't know what's going on, and then I'm dead because I've been in there for five minutes just pushing buttons.
Speaker 1:I think if it was, already in the air and it was more of, like you know god forbid a hijack situation right where I had to come and fight all the hijackers and then I had to fly the plane. I could do that. Okay, you know what I mean. That's it.
Speaker 2:Do you know what the choke is?
Speaker 1:I mean, I know what the choke is on a lawnmower, so I assume it's the same, so you at least know what the choke is.
Speaker 2:I mean I know what the choke is on a lawnmower, so I assume it's the same. So you at least know what the choke is, because it's like I know every time I've been in something and they talk about the choke, I'm like I don't know what the fuck you're talking about okay, I mean, it's just.
Speaker 1:I mean a lot more, it's just a little thing that I gotta push to like pump it up. You know, I'm saying it's like you do. You do the choke sound at the beginning, so that there's something going on checks fuel or air or something into the, something that helps the this engine start. So when you said, do you know what it is? I don't like.
Speaker 1:I said I know how to use it on a lawnmower. I don't know exactly what it does. I don't know what other things use it, but I know what it does on a lawnmower and I think with like a Sester little plane you gotta do the choke you know, that's how I would start.
Speaker 2:I have to watch a YouTube video to see how hard it is to actually turn on a plane.
Speaker 1:I mean, it's probably easy if you know what to do yeah yeah, but figuring it out, it's not like it's going to be labeled like step one push this button three times, okay, great. Step two turn this thing this way.
Speaker 2:That's not the way it works and and we have cars and all sorts of things. You know what this guy, this idiot's done? He's ridden a horse. The machine he's dealt with is a gun.
Speaker 1:Not even like a good one. He's putting the thing throwing the musket. You know, whatever you do, put the BBs in the thing and shove it down with a pipe. I don't know.
Speaker 2:Exactly. So he figures out how to do this and then we have like the weird pod racing scene where he like flies around.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, not as good, not as good.
Speaker 2:Not as good. Then he flies all the way back to the Tharks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, does he know where that is?
Speaker 2:I'm going to tell you something, Tony. Okay, please. When you try and figure out the world from above, it's a completely different situation. You look down on the world from above try to figure out where the fuck you're going. You never get it. I always remember when we fly into LA you're like, oh, there's a freeway. And you say to yourself, what freeway is that? And you go like I have fucking no idea what freeway we're flying over I don't know where I am.
Speaker 1:Is this home? I don't know.
Speaker 2:And then when you finally get over the 405, you're like oh yeah, that's the 405, even though those seven other freeways I thought were the 405. That's the 405, because we're like one foot above it.
Speaker 1:You, you are, you don't know where you are in la.
Speaker 2:You could look at the 110, the 105, the 10, I don't. I don't know the difference. There's brea. You don't know where the fuck brea is. Yeah, not a chance in hell, especially if you're like a civil war guy.
Speaker 1:You don't, you don't know any, but somehow he flies all the way back and directly to them, like it's not, like he's wandering around for a while and then just finally figures it out. He knows exact coordinates that he's heading towards. Now, dan, let me just let's take a step back here, because I looked up what the choke is, because I want to clear it up for everybody. The engine choke is a device that controls the air-fuel ratio in an internal combustion engine. So I was pretty close with the air and the gas. Yeah, I was close.
Speaker 2:You open up the choke if you want a lot of something going in, and then you Right, I don't know which one is which you modulate it at a certain point.
Speaker 1:I feel, like the more choke, the more gas.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it controls the mixture of the two so he gets back there, they throw him in chains and they're like you gotta fight in the arena. They go to the arena, he and Tars and Sola and this other woman. That was like the one funny part is they released two white apes. This other woman's like giving Sola shit and Sola like throws them both into there and then that woman gets snapped in half.
Speaker 1:That was just snap torn right in half and I was like, okay, good for you. We don't really have that sort of that sort of thing very often in this movie, so I enjoyed it john carter kills both of the apes, and then he kills the leader of the right, and then he's in charge, yeah, so hold on. So he kills the two apes, which is fine, right, like he was underwhelming. But it's fine, right? Yep. Then he calls the leader. I challenge a duel?
Speaker 1:yeah, you always do that that's like a big deal, like that's a huge deal in their culture and it is over in two seconds. That is like the buildup of this entire storyline is taking over this group of people and it's just the fight starts. He jumps down, john Carter jumps up and you're like, oh shit, we're going to have an epic battle. And he just cuts it off and then we're just done, we're just out into the next scene. It was really jarring to me. I did not like it.
Speaker 2:It's almost as if this had all happened at the beginning of the movie. He had to move up through the ranks of this thing and prove himself, and then you'd have been like whoa now he Look at this guy.
Speaker 1:He's figuring it out.
Speaker 2:Does he deserve?
Speaker 1:That's the question. Does he deserve to lead these people? Not even a little bit. It's almost like sacrilegious, it's like an affront to their people. At this point, I don't understand why they all cheer for him because he's like who will give me their blade or whatever before he does the challenge and they all are like yes, this guy's the best. Why?
Speaker 2:Why do they like?
Speaker 1:him Because he killed the two apes and then he killed the dude. Oh, two apes, Big deal guy. It's dumb.
Speaker 2:I'll tell you this, Tony You're not going to win against one ape, so don't give him too much.
Speaker 1:I'll tell you what, Dan. I'll tell you what Three apes.
Speaker 2:I'll take on three apes right now, do-tor-so-jot, do-tor-so-jot, and then actually, the thing that I hated the most in this movie, tars Tarkas.
Speaker 1:The salute. I don't know. It's kind of cute because I think it would be better if John Carter was better at saluting. His salute is so sloppy. That's like a weird thing like this it's not a salute you got to really give it the tip of the hat to use. I don't know.
Speaker 2:It's bizarre. Okay, so the wedding's taking place, but also why is he saluting?
Speaker 1:He has sworn off his army days. Why? Is he even saluting. I don't know.
Speaker 2:All right days. Why is he even saluting, I don't know. So the wedding is happening, so he's all like I'm going to fly there and fix it, and the Tharks are all like we don't like flying, so he's like I'm going it alone. So he goes there, flies all the way there.
Speaker 1:Here's my question Wait, pause. How was he trying to get them all to fly with him? I didn't understand it.
Speaker 2:Oh, because they have a big one. Oh, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:Why do they have a big ship if they don't fly? Oh no.
Speaker 2:No, you're right. What happens is they leave Thark City, they go to Zendaya and then they take it over, and then they learn that all the Zendayans aren't there because they're going to be taken over.
Speaker 1:They're attacking Kaelin. Oh, that's right, and so then?
Speaker 2:they are able to take over the whole. They take over that whole city which, of course, with the Tharks taking over that whole city, that makes the wedding and all that stuff completely moot Right. He no longer has a city.
Speaker 1:That's right. Like we have it, we're in control guy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's right like we have it. We're in control guy. Yeah, so no matter why we just burn down your whole city. Get your shit and get out yeah, even if they were to take over helium, it's like, well, you don't have your city either.
Speaker 1:It's it's a wash. You're back to one city. Yeah, yeah, we're tied again and they have.
Speaker 2:They have zendaya, which is a walking city, so they can just walk over there and kick ass.
Speaker 1:Yeah, crush it Because apparently it eats all the other cities, or something like that, I don't know, did you ever watch Mortal Engines? I don't know if I did. It's something I've thought about. I don't remember if I ever saw it or not. We'll do it at some point.
Speaker 2:It's pretty terrible. Okay, great, it's pretty terrible. It's like I think it's like another one of those movies where it's like let's take the hottest girl in the world, then we'll give her a scar and then she'll be like I'm so hideous I have to cover my face and you're all like no, you're super hot with a super hot scar.
Speaker 1:Yeah, still beautiful. I don't know Tough stuff.
Speaker 2:Okay, so he then flies over there. He flies in and says the bad guys are going to come, they're outside the city, and so everyone's like oh my God, the bad guys. And then we have a big fight and then the Tharks crash the thing through the window and we have this horrible Disney music.
Speaker 1:Well, it's Disney, don't forget. It's Disney, yeah.
Speaker 2:Does it have to have?
Speaker 1:Disney. I'm not disagreeing with you that it's terrible. I'm just saying like it's definitely a Disney movie. I felt that top to bottom Okay.
Speaker 2:There it is. That's not a good thing, Basically, john Carter fights the thern and then the thern turns into john carter and tricks tars into giving him the thing, and then tars almost kills john carter, but didn't it seem like he cut john carter's throat?
Speaker 2:I thought john carter was gonna die well, so it's just a little cut just a little blood that they showed so like it was close, but no cigar so basically they win the war, so the greek, so they control everything, um, and then I looked up saying it's like 21 more minutes and I'm like 21 more minutes, yeah, and you're like what is what is gonna happen?
Speaker 1:we're done with the movie, right, are we?
Speaker 2:So they get married, he propositions her, then they get married, and then he goes to this tower and he throws away his medallion and he's all like I'm no longer John Carter, I'm now John Carter of Mars. And you're like oh, that's what they wanted to call the movie, so they'll put that in here and they'll feel good about themselves. What do?
Speaker 1:you mean yeah.
Speaker 2:Then the third's like ha, you're dumb. And then zaps him back to Earth.
Speaker 1:And then it's the only interesting part of this whole movie, really.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so basically he spends the next 10 years looking for another medallion so he can return. He finds the medallion and then that's when he locked himself in. He locked himself in the thing and then edgar rice burroughs, his nephew, comes there and he figures it all out and he's all like, oh, he wants me to open the thing, which doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 2:But edgar rice burroughs goes there and he pushes like b-e-n because he called it ban or something, or jan, or jan, he called him ned, he could have called it jen and he opens it and then the Thern is behind him because the Thern wants to get this medallion. And then John Carp is behind the Thern and he shoots the Thern and he's all like this is how I could get the medallion. I didn't even find the medallion. Now I can go back, and now you can start guarding me and you're like oh, that's tricky.
Speaker 1:It's very smart and I love the ending where, like, he lays down and and then just transports out, like I love this whole scene and this is not a knock on the movie, because I assume the book is not this either but I would have loved more of a scene of people thinking that he's crazy and that this whole thing's in his head, I don't know. To me that's just like an interesting thing. And then he finally gets his medallion and lays down at the end and gets transported back. I would like that. I think that would be a nice emotional story, but anyhow, there's no magic in this movie 100%.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think he needs to go to the planet, do all that shit, come back and everyone's like what are you talking about? Yeah, In fact, maybe the movie should end with him getting sent back to earth and waking up and just getting back to his normal life and being sad about it and like on the hunt for. And then the second movie opens with him being crazy, like people being like no, you're crazy, You're crazy. And he finally gets it. He lays down and he gets back to where he belongs and it's like, oh shit, this guy was right all along. I don't know. I don't know. It's not great, Dan, but you love this movie. I didn't love it. I just don't think it's as bad as losing as much money as it did.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. Like it's not good.
Speaker 1:Oh no, it lost the right amount of money, yeah, okay. Well then, let me rephrase I don't think it should have ruined careers, because Taylor Kitsch never recovered from this.
Speaker 2:It was pretty interesting. Lily Collins is that her name. Her agent was like, oh you, better lay low for a year and not do anything. And she was all like I'm going to lay low for a year, not do anything. And she was all like I'm going to lay low for a year, you're fired. She fired her agent, her manager, all of her people and I think she's had a fine career. She's not a movie star, but she's done fine.
Speaker 1:Fine is not great. They jumped on a huge $250 million Disney tentpole Dan. Yeah, they should have been megastars and they were not. It's sad. It's sad because it's not their fault. It's not, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:No, I mean, that's the thing. Like you said, with the sword scene where they switched the swords, he could play that guy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 100% 100%.
Speaker 2:But they had him browed and not not do anything. They didn't. They never had fun. He was never having fun.
Speaker 1:It was always like let's, let's have him captured, angry this and that, the other thing and he I'm like he can do like the dry wit, like he's, he's fine with it. I mean friday night lights great, uh. Even in wol Wolverine that we watched last week, like he has some nice one-liners. The movie again is not great, but he's not a problem.
Speaker 2:He's not a problem in it he can deliver the lines that are necessary. You got to give him the lines and you got to give him something to do.
Speaker 2:Give him something to do. It's not that hard. Yeah, it's tough. And it's tough, you know, and it's like I remind you, know we I go back to that deadpool movie. It's like that movie is like three scenes. We don't need a thousand scenes. We, you don't. We don't have to travel down the river is to do the this and to do the that. We can just have have deja.
Speaker 2:Take him back to helium and crack open a book and give us all that information, right, yeah, yeah, that's all we have to do crack a book. I don't that, that whole thing was b baby was just more, more, more. And I guess on this movie there were tons of reshoots because andrew stanton okay didn't understand that it was expensive to do reshoots. What, what do? Like what.
Speaker 1:What do you mean? You didn't understand.
Speaker 2:Was this his first movie? This was his first live-action movie because he made all the stupid kids busy making Pixar movies, which I imagine is not that expensive.
Speaker 1:It's expensive, but at the same time it's not like millions of dollars to be like. I'm going to redraw this scene.
Speaker 2:Ay-yi-yi, that's tough, and you can, always, you know, adding a scene in to an animated movie is just, you know. Adding two or three, minutes a little monologue or something. It's expensive, but it's not live action movie blah blah, blah so whatever.
Speaker 1:The biggest problem Dan with this is it is living in a post pirates of the caribbean disney world, and when I said this feels like a disney movie top to bottom, I mean that as an insult, because pirates of the caribbean does not feel like a disney movie, right, it's a movie movie and it's wonderful. It's a blockbuster movie. This movie needs to feel more like that movie, not like a children's Disney movie that just we threw a bunch of money at, which is how I feel about it, so that's a problem.
Speaker 2:You've got to have some complex characters, you've got to have some real humor and you have to have some fun and some magic. And if you don't have any fun and magic, it's like I don't care about that scene.
Speaker 1:Yeah you're in trouble.
Speaker 2:I don't care if Sola or Tars lives. I do not care, because these characters have not spent enough time. He and Tars didn't spend any time together in this movie Nope, they're best friends. He and TARS didn't spend any time together in this movie Nope, they're best friends. Almost at all. That's the movie. The movie is their friendship.
Speaker 2:That's the movie and then he falls in love with her and that causes conflict between the two of them. That's the conflict. The conflict is TARS wants him to fight for the Tharks, she wants him to fight for Helium, and he's in the fucking middle and TARS has kept him alive and made sure that he's surviving in this world. That is different, that if you go into the temple you will get killed, and Tarsus has helped him navigate through that, taught him the language, taught him what to eat, what not to eat. He's kept him alive Because he thinks he's going to save his people, because he knows the level of warrior that Jon is, and at the same time he's making Jon moderate what he does so that others don't understand what he is Quite to the yeah, not yet.
Speaker 2:Not until we're ready to unleash. Exactly, and that's the other thing is in the books. Tars is just the leader of one group. In this one, he's the leader of everybody.
Speaker 1:He does seem that way. Yeah, he seems like he's the Jeddak.
Speaker 2:The other guy's like I challenge you and you're like, oh, yeah and yeah. And then he sees Deja and immediately falls in love with her. He's all like, oh, sure. Again he sees Deja and immediately falls in love with her. He's all like, oh, Sure. Again, totally get it. Yeah, he's in love with her and his conflict is between his friend and what he loves.
Speaker 1:And his love yeah.
Speaker 2:And he's going to pick his love, just like I will always not pick Tony, sorry.
Speaker 1:Tony, are you saying it doesn't matter what the other hand is? Yeah, you're just saying no matter what if there are two hands, I'm not going with Tony. Okay, that's good to know. Dan Cheese sandwich, tony cheese sandwich. I'm going to save my sandwich, best sandwich I ever had, jesus.
Speaker 2:Wow, look at that. We sat here and we figured out what the movie would be about.
Speaker 1:Wouldn't that be fun. Let's write that movie and sell it to Disney for $18. Stupid Disney.
Speaker 2:But you know what the truth of the matter is. They're going to go back to John Carter at some point.
Speaker 1:I mean there's rumors, right, and I think if they do it in like a series as opposed to a movie, I think it lends itself better to that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but we'll see. There's plenty here. I mean, the Green Men are freaking amazing and we want to see that. I want to see it. I didn't see it in this movie.
Speaker 1:I didn't see it at all Like.
Speaker 2:I didn't see it. Yeah. They didn't even put him in the trailer yeah, oh boy what does that? Tell you they? Didn't put them in the trailer.
Speaker 1:That whole thing is just bizarre, man. I don't. I don't know who was making those choices, but they, they fudged it up. They fudged it up bad what do we need?
Speaker 2:more civil war in the trailer, more civil war even though that's maybe eight minutes of the movie.
Speaker 1:Let's put all of that in the trailer. Put all of the footage from the movie in the trailer. For that so weird.
Speaker 2:Tony, what do you got for us? What do you like this week?
Speaker 1:We, in getting ready for the blockbuster of the year, we rewatched the original Twister to get ready for twisters. Tonight we're going to see that tonight. Twister is good man. Have fun with that. I'm going to have fun with that because glenn powell is a motherfucking movie star and that he could be in the worst piece of trash ever. And I guarantee you two things one, I will still love him and two, he'll be charismatic as fuck.
Speaker 2:So I don't even care here's my question for you, tony 30, 30 days or less, 30 days or more. How many days it is until twisters is available on streaming?
Speaker 1:hopefully less, because I want to buy it and then watch it again. How, how about that? I mean, I haven't seen it yet. I'm going to go again Seeing it tonight.
Speaker 2:So you want it to be such a failure that they put it up for streaming within 30 days? I don't know if it's about a failure.
Speaker 1:But some movies, you know, get both. They just kind of release them both. I think it's going to do well. I've got high hopes. I have high hopes. But we watched the original and it's a delight. I hate that movie. You hate that movie. I hate that movie. You can't hate Twister how can you hate Twister?
Speaker 2:I saw it, sure, and it's incredible.
Speaker 1:The movie's so good. I mean, paxton unbelievable Mad about you. Oh, I feel bad. Helen Hunt, sorry, helen, my bad, unbelievable Mad about you. Oh, I feel bad, helen Hunt, sorry, helen, my bad, unbelievable.
Speaker 2:Groundless.
Speaker 1:Philip Seymour Hoffman. Unbelievable Jack Black. Yeah, he's fine, he's fine, he's fun, he's Jack. Maybe I'll watch it again. Well, you should give it another shot. It's a very, very solid disaster movie. Yeah, does it make sense? No, of course not. Oh, yeah, it's, it's gobbledygook, but it's fun.
Speaker 2:That's why I hated it. Um and um, I'm going to save one.
Speaker 1:You better believe I'm not going to pick it, but I will watch it again, baby, please. I got three things. You have three things, holy mackerel.
Speaker 2:Two of them are more announcements than my favorite thing, oh, okay. First of all, they're doing a Rebel Moon podcast. Who's?
Speaker 1:they Do.
Speaker 2:You know who they is I mean I assume it's Snyder and his crew that deals with the first one of the Jimmy Robots. So it's like please, Rebel Moon, I'm so there for that, I'm so there for that. I was like I saw it on one of the Twitter of these sci-fi people and I was like yesfi people. And I was like yes, please, and everyone else like why would they make this?
Speaker 1:I I agree with the. Here's my question Do you remember, I don't know, eight, seven, eight years ago, when army of the dead came out and he was like this is a universe, we're we're doing a prequel, we're doing an animated series, we're doing all of these things, and then that just fell apart. They did the prequel and the prequel sucked and then it all fell apart. How is rebel moon, the thing that is seemingly continuing to go, because it is so much worse to me than army of the dead?
Speaker 2:think about a podcast. You could just do it right, that's, that's why that's why I'm intrigued, it's because there's no constraints. I mean not that there were constraints on rebel moon in this problem.
Speaker 1:He got, he got the farm.
Speaker 2:They gave him whatever he wanted but maybe they hired somebody good to write this and maybe they'll. It'll be acted good and snyder's writing it.
Speaker 1:It's the same actors. They're paying millions of dollars for these voices.
Speaker 2:No, it's. It's like 100 years earlier or something.
Speaker 1:But is it not going to be Anthony Hopkins as the voice of the robot? You're saying it's a different robot. Different robot, the first one. I thought it was the origins of that robot. I wish Okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I'm there. Okay, that's one.
Speaker 1:That's one. When is that? Coming up.
Speaker 2:Not soon enough. Okay, you, when is that coming up? Not soon enough. You gotta watch Hundreds of Beavers. Gotta go watch this. The trailer for Hundreds of Beavers.
Speaker 1:This better be a horror movie About beavers.
Speaker 2:No, it's a live action cartoon. What the hell. It's the greatest thing ever. I watched that this morning and it would have been my pick if I had a chance to watch it. And the last thing is I've been watching this guy on YouTube called Drew Gooden. He's like one of these funny guys Funny guy. You know, his video is very funny. They're all like 20, 22 minutes long. That's long. That's long. We do a four-hour movie review.
Speaker 1:Nobody watches it. That's how I know it's long Dan.
Speaker 2:He's very funny. I've watched a ton of the videos this last week and very enjoyed it.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'll give it a shot.
Speaker 2:But he buys a lot of the shit, shit that they they advertise on like, uh, instagram and stuff. Oh, okay, that is interesting, he's doing one where, like there's this food, that's cubes, and like he bought a bunch of the food and then they're like trying it. It's like terrible oh god he, he did a did a thing where he bought a bunch of stuff from like the Tom Brady website, you know, the vitamins and the powders and the exercise equipment and lived the Tom Brady life for a month. Very funny. Okay, all right.
Speaker 1:I mean, those are the kind of videos that I would like to make, so I get it. I think that's fun. Good to work, you lazy bastard. Nobody cares about me eating something, dan, maybe what was that?
Speaker 2:Maybe you never know. Oh, he did one where he deconstructed Lilly Singh. Have you ever heard of that person? She's like a YouTuber that they gave the Carson Daly TV show to.
Speaker 1:What Canadian YouTuber and television star Nope oh man.
Speaker 2:It was like we live in like a. Everybody lives in these different bubbles and sometimes you like enter into this. He talks about what's his name, sometimes Logan Paul Sure. We know who that is, but, man, there's like a world of content about that guy that we don't we can't even comprehend.
Speaker 1:Well, dan we're old, we're old people, so we're not, we're not hip with it all right, because at one point in this guy's videos he like lists off.
Speaker 2:Like you know, I really got into all these youtubers blah, blah and blah, blah and blah, blah and blah blah and I'm like I don't know any of these things.
Speaker 1:I've never heard of a single thing that you're saying what, what is going on?
Speaker 2:yeah, no, that sounds right okay, tony, give us a movie for next week, something really good all right.
Speaker 1:Well, I don't know if it's really good, but it is a bit. Is it's gonna be fun? Um, this was the movie I was going to do a few weeks ago, but then got sidetracked, so I want to get back to it. One of the best sequels of all time to one of the best movies of all time. We're, of course, doing Speed 2, cruise Control Never seen it. You never saw Cruise.
Speaker 2:Control. Never saw it.
Speaker 1:You are in for a treat, man, robert, you're going to have some fun.
Speaker 2:You're going to have a great time. Good, good, you're gonna have some fun, you're gonna have a great time. Good, good, good.
Speaker 1:I think, I think I watched just the scene where the boat crashes into the dock and it looks so terrible and I was like, oh my god, it looks so terrible, yeah, yeah, no, I mean so I don't. I don't remember this movie. I saw this back in the day, right. I don't remember if there is like a mention of keanu's character, or if we just jumped straight to jason patrick, or like if it's just totally unrelated. I honestly don't remember, but I'm very excited about it, like why Sandra Bullock on the boat? I don't know, I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited about it.
Speaker 2:How can you do that again? And maybe I have seen it and I don't remember, but I don't.
Speaker 1:I mean, there's a chance.
Speaker 2:I'm pretty sure it came out and the word of mouth was so terrible I just never saw it.
Speaker 1:Well, it is 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, so it's pretty bad. Oh, I'm excited, that's going to be good, pretty bad.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, if you like what you hear, give us a subscription or give us a like or leave a comment. Those are all things you can do to help support the channel.
Speaker 1:If you wanted to support the channel. If you wanted to. If you don't, it's cool man, we're good. No bad vibes, good vibes all around If you made it this far, there you go. I feel bad for you. You gotta get outside more. Get out and enjoy life a little bit.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm gonna close these windows cause it's starting to get hot and I'm starting to sweat like a piggy sweltering and we'll see you next week for speed 2 cruise control.
Speaker 3:Bye everybody hey, watch it with Dan and Tony. Hey, watch it with Dan and Tony. It's like watching yeah.