Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching with Dan and Tony
Hate Watching Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star
Ever found yourself questioning your movie-picking prowess after a particularly dreadful flick? Well, buckle up as Dan and Tony, your guides in the realm of regrettable comedies, tear into "Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star" with the kind of fervor reserved for fruitcake at a bake sale. Our episode isn't just about the cringe-inducing antics of a film that can't decide if it's a comedy or a gross-out festival; it's a laughter-laden voyage through the mishaps of a potential laugh riot that somehow forgot to pack the punchlines. With a sprinkling of personal tales, we tiptoe around the landmines of lackluster humor and baffling character choices that left us more confused than amused.
"Destined for Greatness?" Hardly. As we step into the Hollywood dreamscape with Bucky and his bewildering rise to adult film fame, we can't help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. From the peculiar bee-in-shorts debacle to the Midwestern accent that chews the scenery harder than a locust swarm, we navigate the film's attempts at comedy that miss the mark by a country mile. Amidst the side-splitting banter, we also ponder what this film could have been with a bit more narrative polish and character depth – a true Cinderella story for the adult industry, perhaps?
As we wrap up our cinematic roast with a generous helping of sage recommendations, we're not just about the belly laughs; we're here to steer you toward the promised land of entertainment. Find out why we're applauding the latest season of "Taskmaster," which books are keeping us hooked, and why you might want to give "Argyle" a chance despite its mixed reviews. From our candid take on "Tacoma FD" to the unexpected merits of skipping to the second season of the "Halo" series, our podcast is a treasure trove of insights for those who like their critiques served with a side of hilarity.
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Dan: @shakybacon
Tony: @tonydczech
And follow the podcast on IG: @hatewatchingDAT
we should do this show yeah, are you mad at me? You're a little mad at me. Yeah, you're very mad at me. I mean, here's the good news is it's not just bad because it's dirty, it's also bad welcome to hate watching with Dan and Tony.
Speaker 1:I'm Dan, I'm Tony, and on this show we watch a movie. It's usually a movie that someone smart picks, like me.
Speaker 2:And then there's the times that we let Hold on, it's half the time. It's a movie that someone smart picks, so half the shows are picked by me anyhow. You can't just pretend this is a one-off. So one of us picks a movie that someone smart picks, so half the shows are picked by me Anyhow, you can't just pretend this is a one-off.
Speaker 1:So one of us picks a movie and then we watch the movie Separately because Tony and I haven't seen.
Speaker 2:How long has it been since we've seen each other in person? We're not really friends, Dan, I don't know. It's been a long time.
Speaker 1:Unless you live on my street and walk a dog, I probably have not seen you in person.
Speaker 2:I don't do either of those things I would walk my cat if he would let me, though, but he doesn't do well in the harness.
Speaker 1:We did see Sue Kate one time. We did see Sue Kate one time.
Speaker 2:Did you go to her? Yeah, we went to her. Wow, wow, sue Kate, very lucky.
Speaker 1:We met Sue Kate at Bob's Big Boy so yeah, oh, I do love a big boy. And Todd came out last year or the year before, maybe last year Todd came out.
Speaker 2:He stayed with you, right yeah? So Todd was out here last year right at this weekend because it's Wonder Girl weekend. Yeah, I guess I just don't get invited, is the answer. Everybody, jeez, louise. Yeah, we got to do something. One time Dan was like, hey, we should get pie together, and then they never got pie with me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we'll have to do something. Ok, we'll get pie Notwithstanding. Oh, if you like our show, give us a thumbs up or leave a comment, or subscribe I did it first.
Speaker 2:The perfect time to shout that out is right after we have a personal conversation on the podcast A big personal conversation, that's correct, ok.
Speaker 1:Oh, big personal conversation. That's correct, okay. Oh, someone was very critical of you because you you left the tarzan in the last the green hornet video. It said the legend of tarzan at the bottom, god damn it. So he was very critical. Who was it, todd? No, I don't know who was.
Speaker 2:The guy seemed to know who I was, so I'm not sure who it was and he wasn't well, you probably shouldn't say if they knew who you, dan knows who you are, don't worry, he's just joking I was gonna blame you really hard, but I didn't.
Speaker 1:And then he was like I was just joking. I was like probably I listen I posted that late.
Speaker 2:Anyhow, that was a whole day late. I I'm way off my game right now. I gotta get back on track. So let me officially apologize to everyone out there. I've been a little loosey-goosey for the past three weeks, but we're back on it today tony's back. I'm back, baby bucky larson, bringing it home.
Speaker 1:That's the movie we're watching bucky larson. Was it born to stardom? Born to be a star? Born to be a star? This movie tony picked why you tell us why you picked a movie like this, tony?
Speaker 2:well, I told you I picked it and, uh, nick swartzen's been on my mind lately because he had a meltdown on stage. I hope he's okay, we're sending him love and that he gets, you know, some probably help that he needs. That would be great. But he was on my mind and I was like, what movies did he ever do? It turns out not a lot of movies that he stars in. This is I think this is the only one he started, and for good reason. Uh, and I I had. I definitely saw this like I 100. I saw this when it came out. I do not, I did not remember it, I didn't. I remembered the. You know the bare bones, like he's a porn star and it was a gross comedy that could be fun to watch. It's not. It's not that fun to watch, it turns out it's also not that gross.
Speaker 1:Damn well we're gonna talk about that okay I had watched one scene from this movie, the scene on purpose I I guess it must have been on tv and I was like I'll watch a scene of this.
Speaker 1:And then I watched the scene and I was like huh, and the amazing thing is I watched the wrong scene to watch before you watch this movie, because then you think the movie is going to be like that scene. But the movie is very different from that scene. The scene I watched was the where they shoot the porno scene in. Oh, explicit warning this one's not for the children.
Speaker 2:No, this is.
Speaker 1:This is a dirty episode dirty episode the dirty, the dirty episode um where where they're making the, the, the film in the ice cream parlor. And then he, you know, does his thing, and I was like oh, okay Then. And I was like oh, okay Then, this movie is going to go for it, because then I read the reviews, and the reviews are all like. This movie is hilarious and then the other ones are like this movie is a zero. I wanted to kill myself.
Speaker 2:Well, the truth of this matter is this movie is neither of those things 100%.
Speaker 1:It's not the intense gross out movie that I was hoping it would be, and it's yeah, and it's not, it's not even a movie it's no, it's not a movie and it's definitely not a comedy.
Speaker 2:Uh, it's not funny. Let's, let's be very clear. So here's what. Here's what I'll say, dan. So back in, like my college days, you know we used to love a National Lampoon, sure, so they made some like real movies, like Christmas Vacation, right, but then they also did their low budget sex comedies. You know, your dorm days, your I can't remember all the names you know there's some really good stuff where it's just like low class they're, they're relatively funny, a lot of naked ladies, you know, like that sort of thing. And I thought that that's what this movie was gonna be like a sex comedy. Yeah, it's not, it's not, it's not that at all. I don't know it is, but it's not that. And I was super disappointed.
Speaker 1:This is a movie that I mean. I guess it's Nick and Adam Sandler, and I think one other guy wrote this movie.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know if I buy that.
Speaker 1:It is really devoid of jokes. There's just like there's no jokes. You're like where's, where's the jokes? And and so you're like oh, we're gonna set up these really gross situations, humiliating situations, embarrassing situations and and people are gonna go off on people and yada, yada, yada.
Speaker 2:You're just like nope, doesn't happen it doesn't, I doesn't, I don't get it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this movie's like Stephen Dorff telling one story and you're like well, that was a story, and not even a funny story, it's just a fact.
Speaker 2:It's just kind of what happened to him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and nobody punched it up. Nothing feels like it's punched up in these kind of movies.
Speaker 2:And yet it looks like a movie.
Speaker 1:The soundtrack is really good they spent the money on the soundtrack, soundtrack and the actors. You're like wow, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know. Is this like a pity? I don't want to be rude, I don't want to be mean today, but is this a pity project? Was Adam just like hey, I've got lots of money, you can make whatever movie you want and we'll just make it look good?
Speaker 1:Well, it's interesting you say that because there was, like some of, I think, that aforementioned ice cream parlor scene. I was listening to the sound and it sounds like they didn't do anything with it. They just were like okay, let's mic a couple people.
Speaker 2:And you're done.
Speaker 1:And we're done. They did not take this into the studio afterwards and go, let's, let's polish this up, and it sounds like they just sort of did it and they sort of went like well here it is maybe yeah, yeah, I don't know it's weird, you know, it's definitely weird. I mean, and adam sandler highest paid person in hollywood this year or last year?
Speaker 2:last year? What did he do last year? It doesn't matter what he does when. Okay, it matters to me when was uncut gems? Was that two years ago? It was multiple years ago.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a couple years, all right, but he just produces and you know he just he's making all this money off of whatever and you know, I'm sure netflix just keeps, you know, sending the dump truck of money to his house. And yeah, he got there because of this kind of garbage movie no hold on.
Speaker 2:I, as a a happy madison defender, here I'm. You know, I'm the guy that watched, uh, international memoirs of Assassin whatever the hell, that movie with Kevin James. I watched that movie. I watched the David Spade movie where he's got like an ex-girlfriend, I don't know, I watched all of the movie. I don't remember any of them, but I watched all of them. This movie is not those. Those movies have jokes, they have story. Those movies have jokes, they have story, they, they are at least a movie. You can they're. They're not good movies, but they are at least a movie. This is something different, dan. This is worse. This is worse than all those things I don't know.
Speaker 1:But I mean, is there? I mean, there's maybe more of a commitment in ways, but is this movie any better than pixels? More of a commitment in ways, but is this?
Speaker 2:movie any better than pixels? Well, do you bet it's not better than it's worse than pixels? It's way, way, way worse than pixels. I don't know, man, pixels, come on, pixels had some funny moments, yeah, okay, I don't remember the movie, but like the, the creator of Pac-Man was in it Right, and Like the creator of Pac-Man was in it right and he was funny for a minute right.
Speaker 1:I'm pretty sure it was Well, this movie does have one benefit is Adam Sandler's not in it trying to be funny?
Speaker 2:Whoa Shots fired at poor Adam, that's true, he had some hits.
Speaker 1:When Adam Sandler puts himself in a movie, he does allow jokes in there. He does not pull them off and he's not funny with them but he does allow, he, he makes sure that there are.
Speaker 2:There are joke constructs laying around him, dead now I'm sure we talked about this throughout our our years here together. Do you like any adam sandler movies? Do you like the classics? I like happy, happy Gilmore, billy Madison, little Nicky, didn't we watch?
Speaker 1:I think I watched the Waterboy.
Speaker 2:Waterboy, sure it wasn't good. Gatorade is better.
Speaker 1:I watched 51st Dates.
Speaker 2:I love 51st Dates Cute movie.
Speaker 1:Cute movie and I enjoyed it. I was like oh, here's a thing that he could do, and then he just slips back into that other stuff and you're just like. You know, they're like Jerry Lewis, but without the preciseness you know.
Speaker 2:Jerry Lewis, what I want to say about.
Speaker 1:Jerry Lewis is. He worked his ass off and he crafted gags and he made it happen.
Speaker 2:Just like Nick.
Speaker 1:Swartzen did in this movie. His movies, just they just feel so lazy and this feels even, this feels even lazier, right yeah?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, and so, like you know, what's a good comparison is, um that halloween movie, hubie halloween, because that's also a a character that was all terrible choices, right like, yeah, just like.
Speaker 1:Like the B side to the water boy, yeah, water boy.
Speaker 2:B sides. I still enjoy that movie more than I enjoyed this.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I mean yeah, cause there's at least at least some people are in there trying and and they make the occasional decent choice.
Speaker 2:And like why is Christina Ricci in this movie?
Speaker 1:How? Because she needed to get paid for a movie, did she?
Speaker 2:Is that how desperate she was at the time? Because that breaks my heart. Because she's a very talented actor, yeah, and she's done some very interesting things. I'm not saying everything she ever did was a hit, but she made choices, she took wild swings, she did some stuff that's out of the box. And then what are you doing in this movie? Well, I mean Breaks my heart that's.
Speaker 1:The other thing is you get on that Adam Sandler train and you know you meet Steve Buscemi in a bunch of these Adam Sandler movies and I'm sure, but he's always great.
Speaker 2:It's bought him a few houses you know, 100%, 100%. Oh, you know, big Daddy, that's a good one. I love that movie. Mr Deeds, that's pretty good. That foot, the foot joke when his foot's dead and he's like go ahead, hit it.
Speaker 1:Oh, I watched that. That was really bad.
Speaker 2:No, no, it's funny. And that's what is that? Winona Ryder in that one, I mean, he always gets like good actors. It's interesting.
Speaker 1:And that's the thing about all these movies is they hire very attractive actresses to be party to his very unattractive friends.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so and listen, glass houses. Right, let's look at this. Glass houses here. Keep that in mind when I say what I'm about to say.
Speaker 1:I buy it when it's adam oh no, I even buy it when it's rob schneider, you know, I bought it more in this movie than in those movies no way.
Speaker 2:There's no way that that's true. He is this is. He's so unlik, he's so creepy and so weird. To me, never in a million years, never. He is like a guy that if a friend of mine brought over for dinner one night I'd be like you need to be careful. He's going to cut you up and eat you.
Speaker 1:I mean he's sweet.
Speaker 2:He's sweet. He's not sweet though, he's just weird. I don't know. I he's sweet through the whole movie. He's not sweet though he's just weird. I don't know. I didn't buy it, I didn't like it. So we disagree on that. Okay, I'll take Adam Sandler any day. Bobby Boucher. So we start at the farm.
Speaker 1:We have a sunshine song going on. We have country images, we have a guy put peanut butter on his dick and then have the goats lick it.
Speaker 2:so and here's. Here's how I knew how the it sets up the movie perfectly, because you have like a normal scenario. I don't remember what the first thing was, but it was just like fields and something happening. And then you have a joke which is a guy getting pulled over and doing a dui test, but he was driving a tractor. I chuckled, I was like that's funny, because you know there's nothing to do out there doing the test. And then, immediately after what I thought was a cute little joke, they go straight to a guy smearing peanut butter on his nuts for goats and I immediately knew I was like oh, we're in trouble. We're in big, big trouble here.
Speaker 1:And yeah. So then we meet Bucky, who has these two buck teeth that sometimes look like they're integrated into his mouth, Other times they just look like.
Speaker 2:Look like they might be taped on to the outside of the bottom lips. It's weird.
Speaker 1:He's working as a bagger in the grocery store. And then what's his name?
Speaker 2:Curtis Booger from uh, revenge of the nerds, the nerds is the boss and then they get in a fight and he gets fired and it's super weird scene. Yep, it's not played right like the way that Nick Swartzen is like FIRED, it's all, just none of it's in the same world between the two of them. It's really weird.
Speaker 1:And so this old lady thinks that she got him fired because she asked him to bag her groceries and was talking to him. And then she looks at him and she says you are destined for greatness. I can tell, I really thought that she was going to proposition him and want to have sex with him.
Speaker 2:That would have been something. You know what I mean. I would have laughed a little bit, nope.
Speaker 1:You were making this terrible movie.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We know it's going to get very gross and terrible. You need to well, I mean ostensibly right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the idea.
Speaker 1:That's the promise of this movie is that it's going to be gross. It's a gross-out movie. It's a gross-out sexual movie. I'm like this old lady has to grab his ass, she has to be propositioning him, she has to be trying to take him home and it's just like nothing. She's just like okay, here's the thing. Well, that's the other thing. He has no character arc. He's just this guy that is that is pulled magnetically from point a to point b with nothing ever really happened, you know, with just things happening to him and him not being affected by them and not changing and not learning and not being emotional and not anything.
Speaker 2:Yep, that is correct.
Speaker 1:So we really have no idea if Nick Swardson can act or not.
Speaker 2:I've got a pretty good idea, tim. The answer is no, all right.
Speaker 1:So we go home, he's dinner with his parents. Parents are, you know, midwest stand-up people. We his dad does this thing about saying the one guy has six toes. But it's a joke. That was interesting.
Speaker 2:I didn't quite understand I mean, at least it's. It seemed almost like a character choice, like maybe, oh, okay, maybe this guy's gonna tell weird jokes, I don't know, but it nothing, it doesn't come back, it has nothing to do with anything, ever so the one piece of what thing that we're supposed to laugh at in this?
Speaker 1:well, there's two things. It just we never get there. And then they're like after dinner, what are we gonna do? We're gonna play yahtzee uh, full disclosure. My grandma, my mom and and me and sometimes gonna play yahtzee uh, full disclosure. My grandma, my mom and and me and sometimes we play yahtzee every night when we were kids oh, when you're kids, yeah, when you're kids yeah, me too, when I was kids.
Speaker 2:Also now, because there's yahtzee apps. So you, we play every night. Yeah, we play a little one game of yahtzee and my mom's this is a true story, my mom, we used to have little electronic Yahtzees. I don't know if you remember those back in, like the handheld game days, early aughts, as they say. So we would just hang out in my mom's room, we'd play that every night and we'd compare scores and then we would go to bed. Yahtzee is the best. Yahtzee is a great game. I love dice games.
Speaker 1:You know. So you know, it's kind of like King of the Hill has Boggle. This could have led somewhere.
Speaker 2:But I also love Boggle. There's also a great game called Clever. That's so clever I think it's German Great dice game. We play it all the time. Now, dan, there's a joke in here, sorta, where the mom says something like oh, I know you love the yachts. She shortens Yahtzee to yachts Sure, and I loved that. And then the next time they say Yahtzee, they say Yahtzee. Yeah, they say yachts one time. Yeah, you can't only say yachts one time. That has to be like their thing. Like, oh, you want to play the yachts one time. Yeah, you can't. You can't only say yachts one time. That has to be like their thing. Like, oh, you want to play the yachts, we got a little yachts going. Like say it more than once, otherwise it's nothing it was not and and they could have.
Speaker 1:They could have rolled into like a joke or two about you know getting the triple six and filling the inside straight. And you know you could have great.
Speaker 2:Look at that, dan.
Speaker 1:It's playing the yachts, it's not that hard. Yes, and is, is, is, and that's what makes you feel like this movie. They were just like, okay, oh yeah, we got that, take let's, let's throw it in the trash, it doesn't mean anything, because this movie doesn't mean anything yeah, that's.
Speaker 2:I mean, that's correct, it does. It feels like a lot of, so a lot of these movies like like Happy Madison and also like the SNL movies. They always feel like sketches, right, like just a series of sketches that you kind of throw together and try to make a narrative. This doesn't feel like sketches. This feels like someone wrote an it was like brainstorming ideas for sketches and wrote like a premise and instead of fleshing out the premise, they just kind of like say the premise and then they move on to the next one.
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah, you know what I mean. Like I don't know it was weird well, and it's like you know it's, it's the whole thing. Is we got to get him to hollywood? We don't really care about. You know it's like well, how do we get him there?
Speaker 1:well, he's he does feel that way he's gonna watch a porno that his parents star in. The parents are gonna be like this you know he's gonna you're destined watch the thing the parents. He's gonna go there, he's gonna have the stardom and the movie's gonna end and you're like that's the whole movie, there's nothing else yeah nothing happens in this movie.
Speaker 2:That is correct. He doesn't go through anything, he goes through zero. He is a guy, dan, I don't know. You live here, I do. You've lived here all your life. I'm from Minnesota, I'm from the Midwest, I am Bucky Larson. Okay, a little bit. Coming to Los Angeles is a huge culture shock.
Speaker 1:Yeah it is not to him uh, that's what I'm saying it is my first two years here.
Speaker 2:I was just like what the fuck is going on here, and now I'm like a jaded, angry old man. So la did its thing, but he is not affected at all. There's no like what's going on here. There's nothing. I don't get like that. There are so many jokes that you can make with a guy coming from the Midwest to Los Angeles and they don't deal with it at all.
Speaker 1:It's weird, it's interesting because that's the person. I am Right, I'm not affected by anything. Sure, sure. It's interesting because that's the person. I am right, I'm not affected by anything, sure, sure.
Speaker 1:And I mean I've gone to all sorts of places around the world and has anything ever affected me? No, not really. I don't have culture shock, it doesn't affect me. I'm like this. I'm just like the world is the way it is and I'm like another place. I'm like, yep, it's the same world. It's the same world. It may look different, look prettier or look cooler or look more terrible or whatever LA, but most people, I think, are more like you where it's like I'm used to a thing. When I'm out of that thing, I'm untethered and I bounce around In this thing.
Speaker 2:This guy never becomes untethered, he is rock solid, which is unbelievable because he is so infantile. This is the guy that would be shocked by everything.
Speaker 1:Should be, should be Should be.
Speaker 2:That's what we want to see.
Speaker 1:And that's what we want to see in movies. We want to see characters affected by characters and the world that they existed. But no, he's just like, okay, sure, let's do that. Okay, sure, let's do that, and then everything, everything works out and it's fine. Yeah, and that's why would it work?
Speaker 2:out. This movie shouldn't work out.
Speaker 1:Well, that's the well, that's the idea of movies. The idea is, you know, I mean, I think, uh, I think Kurt Vonnegut says a thing about that is, you know, the whole idea of this thing is to make a character and then, you know, kick him in the balls a hundred times, you know, just see what happens, yeah 100%. He doesn't say it that way at all, but you know that's what he says Of course, of course, yeah. And that's the thing You're supposed to put your characters through something. This character goes through nothing.
Speaker 2:No, everything just works out. What is the tension in this movie?
Speaker 1:There is none, and that's why, unless you like the sort of few gross-out scenes, you get nothing out of this movie, because then you're like nothing, nothing, nothing, gross out scene, nothing, nothing, gross out scene.
Speaker 2:And I did giggle at one of them. Oh yeah, I giggled a couple of times. The most, most of my laughs from this movie come from Kevin Nealon, which we'll get to, ah, but I don't know and I'll get to say Kevin Nealon the thing I hated the most in the movie. No, what are you talking?
Speaker 1:Okay, we got all right, we'll put a pause on that. I hate Kevin Nealon.
Speaker 2:Because you don't like negative people. What's the problem, Dan?
Speaker 1:Oh he's insincere.
Speaker 2:I never believe anything he says. Oh okay, you're saying you hate Kevin Nealon, I hate Kevin Nealon. Yeah, got it. I can respect that 100%. But we'll talk about why I like him in this movie.
Speaker 1:So he goes next door to his friends instead of playing Yahtzee, and then his friends are like oh, I found the 16 millimeter movie theater. We're going to movie projector, we're going to watch nudie movies from the past. And then we find out that Bucky has never whacked off. And so they're all like oh, we're going to.
Speaker 2:Not only has he never done it, he's never heard of it. Doesn't make any sense. He has no idea what it is. He is a grown man, I don't know. It's really weird. The whole premise is weird.
Speaker 1:And if you're setting this up.
Speaker 2:These have to be new guys that he's never met. That aren't his friends that are going to bring him in there to humiliate him. You're telling me this is the first time that these three guys all they're talking about is masturbation. They have a bunch of names for it. They talk about one guy does it 12 times a day. You're telling me this is the first time they've ever had this conversation with one of their best friends. Doesn't make any sense. Doesn't make any sense. So that is the thing they do.
Speaker 1:They give all these different names for masturbation one of their best friends doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. So they that is the thing they do. They talk. They give all these different names for masturbation. It is your classic list sketch. It is literally the least funny thing in the movie.
Speaker 2:I mean it. It fights for that spot. There are a lot of really unfunny things in this movie, but it's not good. It's not good.
Speaker 1:These three dudes are so unfunny they're not great right, they're very terrible.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're not good so they turn on the movie and it turns out that the movie is of his parents. They made uh sex movies in the 70s, and so he's masturbating to it, and then when he realizes it's them, he's unaffected. But at least he stops masturbating.
Speaker 2:I guess, Because I was worried that he was going to keep going and that would have been weird.
Speaker 1:Do you believe he was masturbating, or was he just saying he was masturbating?
Speaker 2:No, no, not in real life. I been weird. Do you believe he was masturbating, or was he just? Oh, no, he wasn't.
Speaker 1:No, no, he was just not in real life, I mean do you think the character I believe nick swartzen was.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, I the character bucky larson was nowhere near his genitalia okay. So he he wasn't actually actively masturbating, he was just doing things with his hands and you know that for two reasons One, because the movie tells you that he has a micropenis yes, not to get too crude. But two, when they do a close-up, his hands are at his head. He's doing this, he's doing this, which is just insanity. I don't understand. And the friends are just laughing at him, which is weird, because are they bullying? I don't know what's happening here.
Speaker 1:He has to leave this house crying and destroyed.
Speaker 2:But instead he finds purpose in life.
Speaker 1:Well, instead he leaves, confronts his parents. His parents are like it's perfectly fine.
Speaker 2:That's what we did and if that's the way that they feel, they would have had the sex talk with him earlier, because they're very open and honest and they seem very caring he would know what sex is. It doesn't make sense. Doesn't make sense. And they said we, we were gonna tell you on your 50th birthday oh, did they say that? I don't remember. They literally said that why, why? Why would you wait till his 50th birthday? I don't know what is that is. Is that when you think he's reaching maturity? I don't understand, doesn't?
Speaker 1:doesn make any sense. So they pull out the box of porno films. They made 86 of them. I don't know what that means. I know it feels like a lot, though, and so then he's like oh okay, this means my destiny is to be a star, I'm going to be a porno star. And his parents are like yep, you are going to. And so they take him to the bus.
Speaker 2:Do they ever talk about why they left the business? I don't remember.
Speaker 1:They just stopped they did because they kind of said they met some guy on the beach and then he made him do movies and then they made some decision as to why they stopped it didn't.
Speaker 2:It wasn't funny or didn't mean anything and right like I feel like they should have had a reason for stopping and then maybe not have been so supportive of Bucky going to do it. Maybe add a little drama.
Speaker 1:I like the idea Conflict. I like the idea that they're not ashamed of what they did.
Speaker 2:I like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's the most interesting thing about it, but I think there should have been something, something you know there should have been some, but instead they're like here you go, he gets on the bus, there's a guy with a pig, he hangs out with the pig, I guess he pulls out. He has a big wad of money and I'm like, oh well, here we go, big wad of money, someone on the bus gonna take advantage, someone's gonna take advantage of him, because that has to happen, because you disadvantage your character.
Speaker 2:It doesn't have to happen, dan. He's just so lucky that his dad gave him a bunch of money. That's all we're getting out of that.
Speaker 1:So he gets there, nothing happens.
Speaker 2:Hollywood Boulevard goes, which, by the way, is a scary place. I don't care what anyone says, I don't. I, to this day, still don't feel super comfortable walking down Hollywood Boulevard. It's full of tourists, I get that, but it's also full of some seedy people that are kind of scary.
Speaker 1:And he just immediately sees a porno store. Goes in the porno store and is like I want to be a star. And the guy is like go to the valley.
Speaker 2:He's like I guess be a star. And the guy's like go to the valley. He's like I guess I'll go to the valley, which is a funny joke. Go to the valley because that's where porn was, from my understanding, and they I don't know if it's, I don't think it still is, but I think oh, it still is, oh, it still is which part of the valley, because I'm kind of valley adjacent. I you know what if I just walk on over san fernando valley yeah, san f San Fernando.
Speaker 1:Isn't that where I am?
Speaker 2:Or is that not? Where's Glendale?
Speaker 1:You're in Glendale. I think it's the other way it's west of you.
Speaker 2:West, so it's the other side of the hill, because that's where all the warehouses are where they ship all the tapes.
Speaker 1:All the businesses, all the companies are out there. They, there, they always have been.
Speaker 2:I don't know this, but I love it. Yeah, I think so, alright.
Speaker 1:Because that's where that kind of business runs In the Valley. I mean, who knows now, since everything's on the internet but back in the olden days. That's where they would make the tapes and the DVDs and their distribution centers would all be out there.
Speaker 2:And then let's talk about that great joke that he makes, which is he saw a valley in Colorado and did he miss it.
Speaker 1:Wow, yeah, I didn't write that down.
Speaker 2:You didn't write it down. I wrote it down right there. It's right in my notes.
Speaker 1:He walks over to the Valley, finds a place called Tony's famous diner. Do you want to talk about his Iowa accent now?
Speaker 2:I have a lot of thoughts on on on that because, as I was going through the groundlings, if you remember, yeah, one of the big things that they say is an accent doesn't make a character. Yes, however, I got yelled at all the time because I can't do a midwest accent and they're like, but you're from the midwest. I was like, yeah, I've spent my entire life trying to not do that accent, that my entire life was trying to get away from that and to talk like a person that people understand all the time. So you know, I don't like that accent in general, but also people don't really have that thick of accent for the most part Like Fargo Bullshit, absolute bullshit. First of all, fargo not even in Minnesota, but the movie Fargo ridiculous People do not sound like that in Fargo. Fargo is a city, guys, it's a fucking city.
Speaker 1:Okay, so he goes, tony's famous diner, goes in there looking for stars. The waitress makes fun of him. Then he looks over and he sees christina ricci's character, the other waitress, kathy, who's super attractive. Um, he falls in love with her right there.
Speaker 2:Um understandably so understandably so.
Speaker 1:The boss comes out, go clean the bathrooms and then he's like he says I'll do it and she's like no no, you're missing.
Speaker 2:A great joke, though, is that the cranky lady went on break and it's her turn to clean the bathrooms, and the boss says something like she's got a horrible life. She's ugly as shit. Have some compassion. I was like what is he? Is he? I also laughed at his some of his lines he was kind of funny, he's he was a guy from god.
Speaker 1:What was he from? He was from hill street blues or something. He was from one of the cop shows oh no, he was okay I think he was from um what you might call it thePD.
Speaker 1:Oh, all right, I think it was from Homicide, all right. And then he tells her that he's here to be a star. She's like, okay, and then she's leaving after her thing and she's walking and then she hears something and then she goes to the bushes. There he is in the bushes, he's going to sleep in the bushes, he's eating a big cookie and he's got a flashlight and he's reading something. I don't remember what he's reading.
Speaker 2:Does it matter? I don't know. I don't understand any of this.
Speaker 1:It's weird. And so then she's like okay, come home with me, there's somebody at my apartment that wouldn't happen either.
Speaker 2:None of this would happen.
Speaker 1:First of all.
Speaker 2:If you're a single woman and you hear something in the bushes in Hollywood, don't go to the bush, okay, stay away from the bush, just walk home Please.
Speaker 1:So she brings him home or back to her building, and then we get to oh, he says that he didn't go to high school.
Speaker 2:Not only did he not go, he says his town didn't have a high school, dan, it just wasn't an option apparently.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know why you say that. Why did he say he didn't go to high school? What does that buy?
Speaker 2:you. Well, she said that she went to school or said something about school, and he's like, oh, you went to high school. And she's like you didn't. And he says, ah, my town didn't have a high school you know it's a joke. You know it's a really funny joke about how uneducated Iowa is. I don't know what that joke is. I don't know what that joke is either. Doesn't make any sense. What that joke?
Speaker 1:is, it doesn't? I don't know what that joke is either. Doesn't make any sense. So her one of the other people lives in her apartment complex is gary, played by kevin nealon. He's very creepy. He's hitting on kathy and then he shows in money and so he's all like, okay, you can stay here. Um, yeah, and he's creepy and we'll just do him now because I didn't write anything else about him in my entire time.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:At different times. He gets mad because he thinks that Bucky's eating his food, or eating his milk, or eating one of his grapes.
Speaker 2:Just what. So that's my favorite joke of the movie. That's your favorite joke of the movie. So at some point I don't remember what actually happened in the movie, but nick swartzen is crying and he's crying on his couch or something, and neil and pops up over his shoulder and he's like, are you crying because you ate one of my grapes? Like it's just screaming at him about one grape and he's like you're pathetic, you're pathetic. And then he leaves. It was, it was the hardest laugh I had in the whole movie, because he's crying and he says this about his grape. It's very funny, dan. I mean I don't like your face right now If a comedian had done that joke and they'd had a character that I believe.
Speaker 1:Okay, maybe. But, Kevin Nealon just has never made me laugh in any way.
Speaker 2:And then the callback to that was also funny, because then earlier you're right he was mad about Nick Swartzen going to borrow his milk. Because he's like whose cereal is that? And Nick's like oh, I bought it yesterday, did you buy milk? And Nick says no, can I borrow some of yours? He's like no, you fucking can't Like. He screams and he profanity. So then later, once he's making all of his money, nick Schwartz, and he buys a whole refrigerator full of milk and Kevin Nealon opens it up and he looks at him. He's like well, where the fuck am I going to put my grapes?
Speaker 1:It made me laugh. In a real movie, that probably would have been funny to me.
Speaker 2:It was funny. It got me through this movie, all right.
Speaker 1:He wakes up in the morning he goes to use the bathroom, his bathroom. Kevin Nalen's in his bathroom taking a poop and yells at him. He's like I got to use this bathroom because I wouldn't poop where I would shower.
Speaker 2:You can't shit where you shower. Great love that. That's a good line.
Speaker 1:That's a good line, so bucky leaves, or so that's the end of that. And then we see bucky washing brushing his teeth in the pool and christina ricci comes out there and she's like you can't brush your teeth in the pool. And then she points and there in the pool is, I think, a dead bird and a syringe. Yeah, 23 minutes in, that's my first laugh of the movie.
Speaker 2:I was like syringe in the pool yeah, it's gross man yeah, it's gross, it's actually gross, that's it's way grosser than any of the sexual stuff that happens later uh, he finds an actor's wanted flyer.
Speaker 1:He goes to an audition, goes into the audition. It's for mac and cheese. Most people hate him because he's horrible, but the one director guy is like I like this guy and you're like why does he like him?
Speaker 2:Why, yeah, why. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But that's just coming from a guy who's been to hundreds of auditions and no one's ever liked him. See if no one's ever liked him.
Speaker 1:See if no one's ever liked Tony, they're never going to like Bucky Larson. So, bucky Larson, they're like action. And he drops his pants, starts going at it. And then this is another laugh. I had the woman's like, oh my God, he's putting his finger up his butt or whatever, because his stupid friends had told him to do that while he's masturbating and I was like, okay, that's gross.
Speaker 2:That's very gross. That's gross, all right, and they're coming on that.
Speaker 1:They all yell at him he runs away.
Speaker 2:It goes on too long. No one in that room would allow this to happen.
Speaker 1:that long, that's all Boom, he runs away, the director follows him and it's all like I like you, kid, why did you do that? And then he's like my parents. It's a little creepy.
Speaker 2:They don't capitalize on this, but that's a weird thing to happen and it should be creepier.
Speaker 1:And if somebody follows him, they have to be following him to exploit him. They a hundred million jillion percent they can't be following him to help try to help, because they're genuinely nice people that want to help this poor iowa farm boy.
Speaker 2:What's going on here, dan?
Speaker 1:everybody bullshit everybody in this movie is nice.
Speaker 2:Like you're in Hollywood, except for Stephen.
Speaker 1:Dorff. Ah, poor Stephen Dorff. So basically, this guy's like oh, he tells him about his parents and he's like I remember them. I'm going to the biggest porno party in the world. Come with me tonight.
Speaker 2:What are the odds of that?
Speaker 1:And then boom, they're in a convertible going to the porno party. He's like you love the convertible, stand up. He stands up and he gets bugs in his teeth.
Speaker 2:Ha, ha ha, you didn't like the. Oh, it's still moving. You didn't like that joke.
Speaker 1:I mean it's just, it's so weird. I mean, you know why I didn't like those jokes?
Speaker 2:It's because you've got a million jokes you can make that relate to the situation Sure Right, sure, sure, sure this guy's a farm boy coming to the porno industry.
Speaker 1:There has to be something there.
Speaker 2:No, apparently there's not. There's no jokes to make on that, Dan None at all.
Speaker 1:So he gets to the party. Lots of hot girls. They play the hot mess song. Then we meet Stephen Dorff, who's called Dick Shadow, and he tells a story about how a bee Flew into his pants and he dropped his pants and his dick was so large that there was a gigantic shadow. Hence his name, dick Shadow.
Speaker 2:And then the bee just flew away, so it didn't matter. Oh sorry.
Speaker 1:One of the guys says what happened to the bee and he's like that doesn't matter and you're like wait a second.
Speaker 2:Why wouldn't that matter?
Speaker 1:This is the joke. You've set up your joke situation. This is what it's about. Everyone's only going to be asking about the stupid bee, the bee about.
Speaker 2:Everyone's only going to be asking about the stupidb, the b. Yep, that's the 100. We don't care about your dick, like what happened to the b. Why? Why did the b go in your shorts? Wait a second, what was it looking for?
Speaker 1:why was being your shorts? Yeah, I had a bit of honey in there. Don't you have a bit of honey in your?
Speaker 2:shorts, don't worry about the dick comes out what happened.
Speaker 1:And it's like when you, when you take the time to have somebody tell a story in a comedy, you've lost the comedy because that story's not going to be funny if it's delivered by steven dorf. I like steven dorf, he's fine, he's a fine actor.
Speaker 2:He's not a comedic actor, he's not doing anything.
Speaker 1:He's not saying. He's not even saying anything. Funny, that's true. You have to put him through it. It he thinks he's the biggest thing in the world. You've got to stick it to him.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:It's comedy. Don't worry about it. It's comedy, Okay. Okay, there we go. Boom, boom, boom. They introduce him to Dick Shadow. Dick Shadow's like let me see what you got. And he pulls down his pants and sees that there's nothing going on there. The same time Don Johnson tries to get into the party. He's an old-time director. They beat him up because I don't know.
Speaker 2:There's no reason. That's the answer.
Speaker 1:So Dick Shadow takes by up onto the roof, presents, has, has bucky to present himself to the world and they all laugh at him. And he pushes him off into the pool. And then a leather, leather boy jumps in there. I'll save him, and then it just cuts. It just cuts, which is very weird. We have a leather boy jumping in to save him. He has to be in the leather boy's cage. Something has to happen.
Speaker 2:We just cut. That's the end of it. You presume that he saved him, and then they all went about their night huh.
Speaker 1:Did he walk home? Was he embarrassed? Was he affected in any way by it? He?
Speaker 2:was not. I don't think he even understood what happened to be honest with, because it turns out that everyone loves him, so it's. It doesn't make the scene doesn't make any sense, because everyone was laughing at him and then a day later he's the porn king. I don't know.
Speaker 1:He goes back to the diner. Kathy consoles him Miles is there and then he's like oh, I'm in the porno business. I remember your parents. Okay, come to my place and we'll make a porn. And he's like okay, I'll go to your place and we'll make a porn. And he goes there and there's this really sleazy girl and then he drops his pants. So then they start the movie. He's using an old thing. He drops his pants and then she just takes off her sweater. She's wearing a brassiere bra, yeah, Like lingerie.
Speaker 1:And then he just starts shooting everywhere. He shoots somewhere, he does one giant shot and makes noises like a monkey.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, we don't have to dice.
Speaker 1:She just touches her breast circles like this and then he does it again, and then his stuff doesn't get on her, but it gets on somebody's shoe. I think and then the other one. We don't see where it goes, Nope, and I'm like wait a second. He just saw a brassiere and this happened. Why did this happen? Because I mean, if it's like the first time seeing breasts, okay, you've got to make the trigger consistent right?
Speaker 2:No, no, I wouldn't worry about that. It's just funny that he's doing it. You see you're confused, dan. What's funny is him going full monkey and then, you know, giving his business to random things that we don't see or make jokes out of. That's what's funny.
Speaker 1:I mean, shouldn't it be like shooting holes in the window? There should be a joke.
Speaker 2:There should be a joke about it. I don't know, maybe they were too scared to make an actual joke. You know jizz jokes aren't going to land every time. I'll tell you that right now no.
Speaker 1:But it's just like this, I mean it wasn't gross. It was just kind of like I don't really care and that's my thing.
Speaker 2:The movie it's not that gross. No, it's not gross at all. It thinks it's gross, I think. I think that they think anything sexual is gross. I'm pretty sure, I guess I don't know, but it's not that gross of a movie, it's just weird it. But it's not that gross of a movie, it's just weird. It's just weird. It's just like really weird. Yeah, it's really weird. So that was it. Now let me ask you a question, dan, because I've been thinking about this for a while now and you know 12 hours Thinking about it.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I can't stop thinking about Bucky Larson. It doesn't make sense to me. Thanks, tony, hold on. Wow, his trajectory Newsflash. So he is a nerdy guy who has no ideas about sex. He's so infantile, right, never been to high school. Never been to high school, never met a girl.
Speaker 1:Ostensibly, ostensibly never met a girl.
Speaker 2:Then he's going to the porn industry yeah, that's where he's going and they give him a very small penis yes, and the inability to do anything without finishing yes, and then they make him the biggest porn star on the planet because of those things. Yes, exactly, it's a movie. I mean exactly that. Those three things don't make sense together. Those it doesn't. It doesn't make sense to me, like, maybe, maybe and I was thinking about this maybe you could have the first one, where he's like this infantile loser, but then he's got a huge dong, which is why he doesn't know how to use it right like he doesn't.
Speaker 1:This movie would be about yes right, because that makes more sense.
Speaker 2:And then he could become a huge porn star because he's just like super well endowed but he's so innocent, you know. So he's non-threatening, yep, but also very well endowed and the ladies love it. Yeah, that would make sense to me. But giving him nothing to work with and then somehow still making him the biggest porn star on the planet, I don't get it.
Speaker 1:And they explain why that is at one point he's you know, when he becomes super famous, he goes and this one, and, and and they're all the people are.
Speaker 2:We'll do that, we'll do it all, right, yeah, yeah, put a pin in it, we're coming all right, I just don't understand the movie.
Speaker 1:That's all don johnson edits the movie together. It doesn't edit together. Uh, he tells his his nephew that works there, I do whatever you want with this shit. I hate it. Uh, he walks kathy to work. He's like kathy, what are your dreams? And her dreams are to be a waitress. He's like oh, you've got all your work.
Speaker 2:He's like Kathy, what are your dreams? And her dreams are to be a waitress.
Speaker 1:He's like oh, you've got all your dreams and she's like no, I worked at a real place and then I dropped soup on an old lady. A very bad story. That is not funny that she can't deliver. It was really weird.
Speaker 2:Could anyone deliver that? It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. She is. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life, she is. Let's look at this character real quickly. She is a waitress who aspires to be a waitress at a better restaurant, and the only thing that's holding her back is that she once spilled hot soup on someone and burned them so badly that they had to be choppered to a burn unit. Where was the burn unit, tony? Oh, I missed that part. Well, where is it? In San Diego? In San Diego, from Los Angeles? How would anyone deliver that story? Earnestly, dan, I don't know.
Speaker 1:And why would you say they had to fly her to San Diego? And we're going to spend 30 seconds talking about comedy. The truth about comedy is, if you say something that makes no sense, it has to be coming out of somebody's mouth. That makes no sense. If you're having a real person give you information that makes no sense ie, they're in LA and they're flying to San Diego that means everyone who understands the difference between LA and San Diego will sit there going like that doesn't make any sense and you're the serious character that's supposed to make sense. Now I don't understand what's going on and what you do is you lose the audience.
Speaker 1:Tony and I used to perform at the Groundlings and you'd have 100 people sitting there and perform at the groundlings and you'd have a hundred people sitting there and you could watch as the people got lost, as the people pulled away from the comedians when the comedians said things like that in an improv and if, if, the person standing next to them doesn't immediately say, yeah, because only in san diego, you know he has to say something. All the hospitals you have to justify why that makes sense and that's how you save the scene, and then everyone in there goes like oh, that guy standing next to the stupid guy just say, you know, said the thing that makes me understand why I do that and I'm not confused anymore. People do not like being confused. And when you tell them they flew her to san diego and it's just like it doesn't make any sense. This is your grounded real character.
Speaker 2:They cannot not make sense they cannot, not, that's right? Yeah, it's unfortunate.
Speaker 1:And that's what this whole movie does. It just keeps losing you because you're just like I, have no investment in anything.
Speaker 2:It never had me, Dan. It lost me on Ys as soon as they said yachts and then Yahtzee, I was done with this movie. You ruined it for me.
Speaker 1:As opposed to Tony. That will stick to the bit forever.
Speaker 2:I will drill it to death and you're either going to come back around and you're going to love it or you're just going to hate me, and I'm fine either way, because I'm going down swinging baby. At least he got you to feel something, that's right. You're going to feel something. It just may not be very nice.
Speaker 1:Okay. So Miles goes back to the diner and he says sorry, you're not good enough. Bucky goes, I'm Christ. Then we do the grape joke.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's right, that's the grape joke. Great, it's wonderful.
Speaker 1:So I guess that's the end of Act 2. Now we're going to Act 3?.
Speaker 2:I guess, yeah, that's fine.
Speaker 1:Well, it turns out, the nephew put the thing on YouTube and it got 3 million views because everyone the men, are watching it, because they feel better about themselves, because he sucks so bad.
Speaker 2:And then women are liking it because why it makes them happier with the person that they're already with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:Or something, something like that.
Speaker 1:It's not. Not a way anyone has ever worked.
Speaker 2:It's one it does. That's not emotions People would have to. That's not going to make them want to watch it, because it's what they're clearly saying is he's very unattractive and very bad at what he's doing. Why would they want to? That doesn't make any sense. That's not how anything works. Don't want to see that.
Speaker 1:Nope, don't want to see that.
Speaker 2:I don't know man.
Speaker 1:His penis is so small. Someone says does he have a pussy? Because there's nothing there. Boom, boom, boom. Now we're making this. No, so he goes to see this big producer who's there and for some reason Stephen Dorff's character is there because they had him for a number of days shooting and he tries to convince this guy to invest in the movie because it's doing well. And the guy's like this is not what I need, this is a joke. Or he says does he have a pussy? When he sees the video, I was like it's a joke. I guess yeah, sure, but he needed to make 12 more jokes like that.
Speaker 2:Sure, or at least three.
Speaker 1:The rule of three.
Speaker 2:At least give us something have they ever done.
Speaker 1:I mean they've done a couple list things. You know different names for masturbation that aren't funny and don't escalate yeah, do they? Ever do? Do they ever do that thing three times and I mean kevin nealon over the whole movie that's right, does that?
Speaker 2:that's it. That's the only one that I know and that's why I liked it. I was like this feels right. This feels really nice where the fuck, am I gonna put my grapes then? Great way to cap it.
Speaker 1:Thank you, kevin nealon kevin nealon's like writing that in the marginalia okay, then what's gonna happen?
Speaker 2:add this scene, and then what's gonna happen, and then what's gonna? Happen. He's like do we?
Speaker 1:really need to do this, kevin.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, yes, please, god, or I'm not doing, I guess I have to respect him. He's the only one that can do comedy in a movie there you go, you may not, you may not think he's very good at it, but you know he at least gets it so now we do the scene in the.
Speaker 1:we go to a? Uh ice cream store. We do another scene with him. He comes in there, the woman shows her breasts, and then it takes him a while to do his thing. She pops the breasts. Which is very confusing and I thought instantly we're going to this is where we're not. Instead of him doing it twice, we're going to do three times, four times, 15 times. He doesn't do it Because it's more.
Speaker 2:He doesn't do it Because it's more he doesn't do it. The first woman in a bra, the second woman, topless. That's better, you know what I mean? Ostensibly better. So he should just lose his mind. But nope, it's pretty much the same, maybe even less to be honest, does it twice.
Speaker 1:One of them goes off and hits an old lady outside. I don't know what that was about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, have you ever seen Grandma's Boy? I?
Speaker 1:don't know what that is.
Speaker 2:It's another one of their gross-out movies, kind of there's just Happy Madison, it's their group. It's funnier than this movie, I'll just say that. But they do a joke where one of the guys is pleasuring himself in the bathroom and I can't remember who walks in I don't know if it's the grandma or something of somebody and she walks in but he can't stop. So he's like I can't stop masturbating and just keeps going. It's very funny and just like keeps going. It's very funny. And I just am confused on how they can make one movie with funny masturbation jokes and then this movie. I don't. Are they jokes? I don't. I guess maybe they're not trying to be funny, is it? Maybe that's, maybe it's my fault and I'm assuming they're trying to make these parts funny. Yeah, and maybe they're not.
Speaker 1:it's not a movie um, it's not a movie. He shows this 30 seconds of footage, which I guess is supposedly a movie.
Speaker 2:I'm not sure how this is a movie or how anybody can watch it, because it's 30 seconds yeah it's not.
Speaker 1:he shows it to this room of sleazy distributors and then they make fun of him. It's not funny yeah.
Speaker 2:And then it's also very slow, Like they do say jokes, but they're all seated in a theater, right, and it's almost as if they're raising their hand and waiting to be called on to say their joke. So there's long pauses of silence in between jokes. It's really weird. It's really weird. It's really really strange.
Speaker 1:So then Kathy and him go on a date. She says that she liked the movie.
Speaker 2:She said that he was adorable in the movie. It's bizarre. I don't understand her character. She's super innocent because she also has never done sexual activity.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I don't understand. And yet she's like totally fine with him being a quote unquote porn star and she thinks it's cute that he I don't know, man, I don't get it, I don't understand. And because none of it makes any sense, none of them are human beings. Yeah, this is a weird movie. I can't believe you made us watch this.
Speaker 1:I'm not sure that's how it works. Tony Keegan-Michael Key comes in and he's like let me get pics with the beaver man because of his teeth. I was like, okay, that's kind of funny.
Speaker 2:He tried. I mean that might have just been him making a joke. You know what I mean? I don't know, Because nobody else really does jokes about his teeth that much. Not as much as they should, Not as much as they should. But this was like a very blatant teeth joke and you know, good on you. Is this pre Key and Peel? I don't know what the years were.
Speaker 1:I forgot to write down the years of this movie. I always write it down, but I forgot to write down the movies. I'll look it up and then he gets the hell out of there as quick as he can.
Speaker 2:He's like as you should. This movie was 2011. I've done my due diligence. Now I can leave. Give me my money, I am out of here.
Speaker 1:Pay me me and no one can get mad at me. She's like your teeth have character. And then another guy recognizes him and he's all like you're the tiny penis man from the movie and you made me feel good and you made my wife happy. Come for a free meal. And then he's like, oh, and then your girlfriend wants to be a waitress. Oh, come to my place and she can become a waitress and I'm like wait a second. Oh, wow, we're going to have a whole thing where she goes there and tries to be a waitress.
Speaker 2:That never happens in the movie. Nope, you don't need it.
Speaker 1:You can't promise a thing like that and then not put it in the movie. It's just extra character work we don't want to deal with, okay, oh, and then there's a pool party and we find out that he's hired, he's gotten money from the Vietnamese mafia to do the movie distribute. Okay, Is that a joke? Nope.
Speaker 1:Okay, Well, no it would have been a joke if something then happened with it. But instead the vietnamese mafia gives them more money and things go well, and then they just, they just buy out the vietnamese mafia, and it doesn't mean anything yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, good point when you borrow money from the mafia, something funny has to happen. That's just how we did it. We just said that's it.
Speaker 2:You're darn right, it is.
Speaker 1:I guess the joke was him saying I took a risk.
Speaker 2:I took a risk, bazinga.
Speaker 1:And then we have a montage of him helping kathy learn how to waitress again I also.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we forgot to mention this. The reason she says the reason she works at the diner is quote no trays. I have you ever been to a diner where there wasn't a tray? Because I have not. The food always comes on a tray, I mean if they're delivering.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they use trays at diners.
Speaker 2:I mean, if you're delivering more than two plates. You need a tray, bro. Yeah, like you're going to use a tray, I mean, at the height of my game at California Pizza Kitchen, I could probably do one, do one, two, three. I could probably do five plates without a tray. That's it. I wasn't great. I mean just straight up. You know I wasn't the best waiter in the world let's be honest.
Speaker 1:So while they're montaging her learning that they montage his movies. You know, there's like a silent movie, there's this movie, there's that movie, it's like, okay, whatever the jokes, they're not really jokes, they're just sort of like let's think of they're not funny names.
Speaker 2:One of the easiest jokes to make about porn is funny names. Yeah, why aren't there any good movie names in this? It's so weird to me. Aren't there any good movie names in this?
Speaker 1:It's so weird to me, because then you would have to have someone write those things. I guess he does this in-store signing where all these middle-class white people are waiting in line to get him to sign at a sleazy thing on Hollywood Boulevard.
Speaker 2:Would never happen. Oh, nope, nope, but it gets weirder. Then what does he do next, tony? Oh, I don't remember what he does he goes on the tonight show oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great stuff. He goes like all the porn stars that you see on late night family television then we hit the great thing.
Speaker 2:It's one. They do one joke like it's not, like they don't even make a thing of it again. It's just like he goes on there and ostensibly he did, he did well, he made a joke. He's you don't look like a porn star. He's like, oh right, because I'm wearing a sweater and that's all.
Speaker 1:You see, right, like the joke, okay jimmy kimball's writers, or not, jimmy, uh, j's Fallon yeah. Wrote him that joke. They're like here's a joke you can tell.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's it.
Speaker 1:And then you're leaving, you'll be in the studio for 30 seconds and you're gone. How happy is Fallon to be in a movie? You know like. Does he like not take their calls again after this?
Speaker 2:I wouldn't take their calls. I wouldn't have taken it the first. But that's just me. I mean, they're all friends.
Speaker 1:Now we get the. Now we get the middle section of the movie, the adult video awards yeah. He takes her with them. He takes, takes Kathy. His parents show up. He's seated at the same table as Dick shadow. She now says that she's his girlfriend, which you're like wow that's a big.
Speaker 2:That's a big step that we don't really deal with ever again.
Speaker 1:Pauly Shore does the emceeing. He's very terrible.
Speaker 2:I was so excited when they said Pauly Shore. First of all, I love Pauly Shore. He's funny, he's very funny yeah he's funny yeah, and they brought him on and he does zero jokes. Not a single joke comes out of his mouth.
Speaker 1:Doesn't make fun of himself, doesn't make fun of the people, just basically announces awards.
Speaker 2:That's what they Like. Why are you getting Pauly Shore to do that? Why, I mean, I'm sure, pauly Shore has hosted those awards, that's probably true. Maybe he really does and that's why they got him.
Speaker 1:I don't know so bucky wins best newcomer, he wins biggest load, he wins biggest bush, he wins everything. And then they uh, why? Because that's what they wrote in the movie, I think so why would you make him? I just don't understand the trajectory of just making him instantly the greatest porn star in the world, when he's terrible oh, because he, he's gonna get so high that we're then now, then what we're gonna see is he's gonna become a different person and then he's got further to to fall no different movie dan oh yeah, that's a movie.
Speaker 1:You're wrong.
Speaker 2:You're wrong, that's like an actual character arc. You're wrong, nope.
Speaker 1:So the big producer guy's like come, I have people you need to meet, and he's like okay. And we're like, oh, okay, here we go. Doesn't show us meeting these people. Nothing happens with that.
Speaker 2:Nothing at all.
Speaker 1:Instead, we need to have Dick Shadow talk to Kathy and ask him what magic he has, what's his tricks and, uh, why would he be intimidated by this ugly, weird guy? So?
Speaker 2:again, that's what I'm saying, like shouldn't he have like a huge dong? And then that's that's why he's intimidated by this guy. Because here's the thing, here's why the movie doesn't work, dan, the only reason. It's the only one reason it doesn't work, and that's because we get to watch the porn scenes that they shoot and they're not good. So then when he wins the awards, I'm like no, he wouldn't win that. Why would he win? He wouldn't win any of those things because they're not good. Nobody would like them, nobody would give him. Like none of it's good. So it doesn't make sense.
Speaker 1:The whole movie falls apart well, and the whole thing is, these movies are not voted on by the woman who's has a boyfriend, who has a tiny penis. They're voted on by the porn industry which is not going to reward him, because we've explained through the whole movie that the porn industry hates him.
Speaker 2:Yes, yep, yep. Doesn't make no sense, doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 1:So he wins everything. And then he wins male performer of the year or something, and there's big music. And we go back to the hotel room and he's gotten her a present which is a big metal thing, tray that says best waitress in the world. And then she's like you believe in me. And then we find out she's never had sex. And then they're like let's have sex. And then he's like I don't have any. She says you don't have any protection. So then she takes a straw and cuts off so it's like this long, and then melts the tip or something, does something.
Speaker 2:I mean I guess, but it feels very dangerous to do that.
Speaker 1:But that's fine. Ostensibly he puts this thing that is I mean, I don't know for micro penises. We're talking about micro penises. Whatever, I don't know for micro penises, let's talk about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they can't be that small. It's just not possible, that's just not. That's not, it's not human.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the quarter of an inch. That's not, yeah, even, it's just not not human, it's a straw, guys.
Speaker 2:It's not. It's not possible. I don't understand.
Speaker 1:I don't understand this joke. And then, and that's supposed, to.
Speaker 2:But is it a joke? Because it works. He's like, ah, it fits, and then they just do it.
Speaker 1:Is there a joke? I'm sorry, but a thing that is this big cannot stimulate a woman. There's just the math of what's involved it can't happen and we're all sitting there going like.
Speaker 2:I don't understand, I don't get it. What's happening? Why is this happening? It's all weird.
Speaker 1:It's like there was a walrus in the room and she's like I just had sex with a walrus. You'd just be like no what no, that didn't happen no, walrus, no, he wakes up in the morning. Great last night. And then she's like last night was fun. But I need to explore other options. I'm flying back to LA. I guess they were in.
Speaker 2:Vegas. Did we know they were in Vegas? I feel like maybe they said it, but I missed it. I thought they were in LA, yeah, which is I don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't know nothing so then he goes, he has breakfast with miles and says kathy's gone and he's like now you're gonna have sex with the girls. And then dick shadow is there, he makes fun of him. I'm like. So he goes what is why are you there? What I don't know. What are you doing there? I don't know. He was there. They go to his big movie shoot. Bucky can't perform. And then Miles goes over there and says oh, this is all my fault. I told her to leave because you needed space. I don't even know what he says.
Speaker 2:It's dumb. Whatever it is, it was dumb.
Speaker 1:So he rides off on a horse and he gets, and then we cut to a restaurant and dick shadow is there hitting on kathy for a noble reason and then he just sort of walks up and is like I love you, and then dick shadow's like oh, and then he just leaves, and then they just leave and there's no confrontation between the two of them.
Speaker 2:Correct. Yeah, because you know there's no confrontation at all in this movie.
Speaker 1:And then he, one year later, he owns a steakhouse in Iowa.
Speaker 2:Which was always his dream. Don't you remember him talking about how he wanted to own a steakhouse?
Speaker 1:No, me neither him talking about how he wanted to own a steakhouse. No, no, me neither. And then people both come there because of the great steaks and also because they watched his movies. And then, okay, I guess kevin nealon shows up. I think what is kevin? Kevin nealon shows up. I, I don't know I don't know either I'm exhausted.
Speaker 2:It's terrible. It doesn't make any sense. It everything just works out, but it doesn't even work out. It's just. I mean it works out because she's a waitress, she got her dream and he's like a rich restaurateur.
Speaker 1:I don't know this is the weirdest movie. This might be the weirdest movie we've ever done.
Speaker 2:It is, and you know what, not that gross. No, it's not. I thought it was going to be like a funny gross out that we could make fun of and it turns out it's just. The movie just doesn't make sense.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't know, I don't know who wrote this and was like yeah, this is a movie there are two scenes where he ejaculates, which you're like okay, that's it I mean, that's still not as funny as the one scene from grandma's boy that I will remember for my entire life, and that's why I'll never watch that movies because I don't want to remember that for the rest of my life it's pretty funny, though damn yeah, this is just a weird movie you're just yeah, it's super, it's super bizarre.
Speaker 1:This is is, I don't know, a miss on all levels yeah, it's a true miss on all levels where you're just like how anybody that has made movies and seen movies because they've made a bunch of them.
Speaker 2:Let's be very clear the people that made this have made a ton of movies. Whether you think they're good or not, they've made movies.
Speaker 1:They didn't write them jokes and they didn't write them jokes and they didn't write them a plot and they didn't write them the character arc and they didn't write them really anything to do. And the premise is just so weird, super bizarre.
Speaker 1:It's like I made a million dollars from selling a 30-second video, and it's not about this guy being humiliated. They're like we'll make it funny by not being humiliating. And it's not about this guy being human. They're like we'll make it funny by not being humiliating. And it's like, no, he would be humiliated Because the world says that, especially the way you built him.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:All the porn distributors sat there and watched it and they were like this is humiliating for a human being. That means 99% of the people watching this video will say it is humiliating for the human being.
Speaker 2:But guess what? It's not. Nope, we're going to do the opposite.
Speaker 1:The world is not the world Because we decided the world is not the world. Yeah, and the thing that people never realize is that's the most important thing about comedy.
Speaker 2:The world being the world Sure.
Speaker 1:Because then when you know know we watch dumb and dumber, right, those guys live in the world, they get, they take all the wrong cues from the world. They're not successful at the world, they fail upwards in the world, but they still live in the world. You know, the ice forms on them when they ride on a scooter to Colorado.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's good stuff yes, and. There's like a saying. What is the saying, dan? It's like straight man in a weird world or a weird man in a straight world. I don't have the words right, but there's like two different ways to approach it, and this does, uh, neither it does it it validates everything.
Speaker 1:yeah, yeah, he's supposed to be this weird character in the weird world and then somehow, magically, he succeeds, right, but that's not what happens, is he's? He's this weird guy, and just magical things happen around him and then the movie's over. But they're not things we want to see. Nope, nope, sure not, yeah.
Speaker 2:So really good stuff. Really great movie. Good job, tony. Real classic. This is a classic hate-watching episode, I can feel it. I'm even going to label it with the correct episode title. Okay, good.
Speaker 1:Now we talk about something we like New season of Taskmaster, season 17,. Just dropped yesterday 17?. They do two a year, but they've been doing it for almost 10 years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, wow.
Speaker 1:So great cast. This time it's going to be a good one. A lot of weird people. Nick Muhammad from uh whatchamacallits I love him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's just a delight. He should be working on the intelligence movie. I don't know what he's doing doing other things right now.
Speaker 1:Well, I think they shoot this like three or four months ago, just like three or four months ago, all right. So, taskmaster, you can watch every episode of all the seasons on YouTube on their special YouTube Taskmaster channel, which everyone is doing, and it's just a delight with people that actually make comedy. So you watch, people do comedy and people be funny.
Speaker 2:That sounds overrated. I don't know if I'd like that.
Speaker 1:Tony likes Nick Swanson. Okay, do yours, and then we'll talk about Nick Swanson.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, I didn't do any research. Did you do research? Okay, great, I've totally forgot. So I've got a couple of things I need to talk about. So I started watching Tacoma FD. Have you heard of this? It's by some of the guys that did like super troopers and club dread and stuff. It's a. It's a show where it's not very good. I don't like it, but I hope somebody likes it. I'm, I'm, uh, I'm through the first season and I'm starting the second season now I finished.
Speaker 1:You're starting the. You're going on to the second season. I don't show, you don't like I don't quit, so I gotta make it through.
Speaker 2:It's only four seasons I, I'll get there.
Speaker 1:Spend your time well.
Speaker 2:Finished Halo. Oh, two thumbs up. Oh good, second season's dope. I'm having a great time, can?
Speaker 1:I just watch the second season.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because they do like a recap of the first season of everything you probably need to know. So I think to know, um, so I think. So, yeah, I do that. Yeah, I think I think you're fine. If you need any, uh, I can let you know the there's only like one thing you really need to know from the season one, and they do talk about it, but you may not fully understand I gotta watch, I gotta do the expanse at some point.
Speaker 2:I gotta do that show I am waiting until I'm done with the book series uh, and I'm a slow reader, so you're never gonna watch it good, I'm five. I'm five books through. Good it's. The book series is unreal. It's a. It's a 10 out of 10. It's my, it's my favorite book series. That and the dresden files are the two my two favorite book series of all time. Uh, and then, dan, we watched argyle not nearly as bad as people are saying it is, it's. I think people went into it wrong.
Speaker 1:Oh, I'm so glad that you liked it. Now we don't have to do it on this show.
Speaker 2:I don't think we should do it on this show.
Speaker 2:Because it's crazy, like it's a very silly movie and I think people wanted it to take itself more seriously Because it's by the dude that did like Kingsman silly movie. And I think people wanted it to take itself more seriously Because it's by the dude that did like Kingsman and stuff and it's just the opposite of that. It's basically making, almost making fun of the King, like that sort of movie. It's a spy movie that just doesn't take itself too seriously. It's self-referential and it gets too silly and it's about 30 minutes too long. Those are my two complaints, but you know it's fine. Oh, also, henry Cavill's hair is just so bad in it. I don't know why. It's too tall for his head and it makes him look weird. It's hard to make Henry Cavill not super attractive, but they tried really hard.
Speaker 1:I don't know why. So Nick Swartzen went and did a show in colorado and, yes, yes, went on headliner. After 20 minutes they like took him off. It's it's not. It's not like michael richards, where you're like, oh, this guy needs okay it's like a guy, that's like oh yeah he's sort of on something and he just can't he.
Speaker 2:Can't quite do it.
Speaker 1:He just keeps on setting up the same joke and then never does the joke.
Speaker 2:Oh no, he's like.
Speaker 1:I'm going to do Jason Statham in something, something movie. Yeah, here comes. Here comes Jason Statham in this movie I'm getting to it. Oh okay, yeah, yeah, no Good, I see you right there, I'm getting to the thing. Okay, jason St. No good, I see you right there, I'm getting to the thing. Okay, jason Stephen, and you're just like oh, no, so it's not like. This guy, you know, needs to be stopped.
Speaker 2:It's not like depressing where you're like, oh God, this guy needs someone, rescue him. Okay, that's good at least.
Speaker 1:It's like you know, it's more like you know. They come out on the stage and put a blanket on him. They, they come out on the stage and put a blanket on him.
Speaker 2:They're like okay, she's like okay buddy, Okay buddy, Try again tomorrow. That's good, that's good.
Speaker 1:So he didn't blow up his career.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's good to hear. I mean, bucky Larson probably did it a long time ago, but it's fine. I used to love early Nick Swartzen stand-up was really great. Okay, he had this special where he did a joke about how his grandma's weak and she's always shocked at how strong he is. It was really wholesome and nice. Back in the day I feel like it's not that anymore probably, but I don't know.
Speaker 1:Oh, shoot my computer is almost full, so we should probably stop pretty quick.
Speaker 2:Well, we've got to wrap this up anyway.
Speaker 1:We've're going for almost 90 minutes, so so we'll see you later, next time maybe wait. What's the movie? Oh, we're gonna do, uh, we're gonna do the turning I don't know what that is okay, you're gonna find out.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm excited, great stuff.
Speaker 1:And we'll see you next time.
Speaker 2:Goodbye, everybody.